Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sat Mar 23, 2019 05:38 PM
It’s totally normal to sit here and grip the back of my neck because my burgeoning migraine is coming back, right? It was developing earlier this week and I went with K to her chiropractor (she goes to the Joint, so no big deal about doing a one time walk in) and got my C2 adjusted, but it’s out again. Cool yeah. Yeah.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:20 PM
So, I don’t know what you might read into this, but I had another sex dream last night. This time it was with a guy. I wanted to, I was ready, I was on top and easing back to insert his penis and he said no and made excuses and we stopped. No sex. Anyone want to stab at what that means? +sigh+

I... I’m trying to decide how much I actually want to share. I’ve shared so much, and I’m not sure if I want to keep this close or not. Maybe I’ll generalize just to get it off my chest. I’ve finally been honest with myself with something I’ve been lying to myself about for quite a while. Expressing it was both cathartic, because the constant tamping down of my feelings has been deeply detrimental to me and I think has actually contributed to some of my impulsive and destructive behavior, and hurtful because admitting it was painful and not without consequences. I knew that saying it out loud would have serious and lasting effects, and they would be painful to deal with, but if I didn’t, I’d continue down this sick course of denial. So I hope that by admitting things, eventually there will be healing and moving on and maybe repair.

My problem is I want to fix things. It’s part of my trauma. I used to think it was my personality because I don’t want to see people hurting, but lately I’ve started to think that it’s actually a response to my ex. Much like my cleaning trigger, I think it was something he exploited. I am a sympathetic person, but because I needed to create peace so I didn’t get more abuse, I would try to fix everything.

Right now, this isn’t a fixable situation. I need to leave it alone. Sit with my feelings, with my past feelings, with my actions, with my intentions, and not interfere and just let it be. Just feel the consequences. Know that it will be what it is, and I don’t have control of it. I hate that. I hate that so much. But it’s the best thing I can do.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 27, 2019 03:04 PM
This is going to be a very stressful 24-48 hours. Just making it through to Saturday with so many unknowns is painful. So much of my life is out of my hands. I need something to reconcile. I desperately need +something+ to reconcile, good or bad.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 27, 2019 08:48 PM
You know? Even if everything works out in my favor this week, if everything turns out how I want it, I’m not sure it’s good enough? The job I’m hoping for will make a mess of my classes. And frankly, you’d think by now I’d be used to the world beating me down, but I’m not. Everything feels like a personal attack at this point. To be fair, some of it has been.

I deactivated my Twitter. It’s not healthy for me. Or rather, I’m not healthy for it. I’m this black cloud and I’m tired of people apologizing to me and telling me how bad they feel for me. I know. Believe me, it’s why I’ve taken to this outlet to complain. I don’t want sympathy at this point. I don’t want virtual hugs or love. I want to see the world burn. I feel like I’m full of hatred and negativity and so much self-loathing and I despise myself so much... I just want everyone to hate me too.

I want people to tell me I’m awful. That I deserve all this shit that’s happening. That I’m a terrible person. That I just destroy the good around me. That I spew such vileness, I need so much and give so little. That all i do is take. That I’m worthless and don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve love. I don deserve to be loved. That my brain is right. That all these years I’ve spent fighting so hard to live have been nothing because I would be better off dead for everyone’s sake.

I hate myself ao much. I’m letting this week play out, but I think I may write letters to the important people. Get my will signed by a notary. Get my affairs in order. Because I cannot do this anymore. It’s time to let broken brain win. Because I am so exhausted from fighting. And for what? To keep getting kicked down? Everytime I try to heal, everytime I try to show strength, everytime I try to move forward, I get slapped in the face. I left an abusive marriage. I can only see way to leave an abusive life.

I think I may text the crisis text line because my brain is not in a good place right now. I’m safe. I’m in bed. But I just want to die so badly, I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so, so tired.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 27, 2019 09:53 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-03-27 23:15:58
I texted. Am texting. Gonna sleep soon. Tomorrow I have my gynecologist appointment to discuss my PMDD. I’m... safe.

I definitely feel calmer. I think before I sleep, I’m going to take a lazy shower, brush my teeth, take out my contacts, and some basic self care. I think that tonight especially, I need to be gentle with myself and do some self care.

I started the text conversation at 9:48pm and it ended because I’m exhausted at 11:13pm. I just needed to vent everything out. I think I know why SM hasn’t responded to my messages. It’s more of an investment in time and emotion then they’ve had to give. I monopolize your time. Something is always going wrong in my life. It’s never a quick conversation. It’s setting aside time to deal with me. I’ve stopped being a friend and I’ve just become A Problem To Deal With. And frankly, they have their own life. I can’t fault them for not having time for mine. I just wish they’d say that. Even though it would hurt me, and I know I’d cry and it would probably be a little triggering at first, I’d rather be told straight out, get your life together, I can’t sit here and be your surrogate therapist. I don’t have the time or emotional energy anymore. I’d rather know for sure than to speculate endlessly. At least then I know. I’d rather be told outright that I’m too emotionally needy, that I’m too codependent, that I need to learn how to handle things on my own. That I’m abusing what friendship is and have turned it into a chore. That I’m just too much work.

It’s not like I don’t know all these things about myself. I do. I know they’re huge flaws. I know I’m a pretty shitty human being once you actually get to know me. Selfish and self-centered, I only look out for myself, I only think about myself. I know I’m not a good person. But this open ended silence hurts worse. The ex used to give me the silent treatment. He’d physically ahut and lock the door to his office and not speak to me for hours and hours. So communication - even with friends - is one of my weird things. Even a thumbs up or a heart is all I need. Just so I’ve been heard, recognized. Acknowledged. A short sentence. Something. If you don’t want me in your life, say that. It doesn’t have to be a letter, or a paragraph. Hey, I’m done with this friendship, I wish you all the best. I hope you continue to get better from your depression. I can’t handle it anymore, it’s negatively impacting me. I don’t know. Something. Some closure. But not just a virtually closed and locked door. Tell me you hate me. Or you hate my behavior. Or you hate what depression is doing to me. Or you can’t watch while I spiral, because with so many close calls and suicidal thoughts, watching me destroy myself and maybe end up dead is unbearable. Whatever the reason I’d rather know it, hurt and grieve the relationship, then not know. I don’t know.

And it could just be my stupid brain.

My brain may be blowing everything out of proportion because depression. And maybe I’m inventing conflict because I need conflict? Because I’m so used to living with conflict? Or maybe I’m looking for permission? That one sort of scares me. That I’m seeking validation. That I want someone I care about to tell me that I am as bad as my brain tells me I am. That all those things my brain has told me arentrue. That I am everything I believe myself to be. I want to validation so it would give me permission to believe that I’m right. That my brain isn’t a liar. That no one would sad if I were dead. Well, I mean, people would be sad, like I expect some folx would be really bummed out by the ordeal but beyond my family and K, I doubt anyone would really shed too many tears. Everyone would be sad for a day and then they’d get over it and life would continue on the next. There would be a sad Facebook post or a sad Twitter post, but shortly after everyone would be posting memes and talking politics again. I’d pass through like no big deal.

Because that’s who I am. I’m a ghost, I’m a creature of the shadows. I’m a NPC in my own life. I am not and have never been anyone special. I’m not smart enough to make any real impact anywhere, I’m not creative enough to leave a lasting mark, I’m far too introverted to be remembered. I will have existed on this earth and done nothing. I will have spent the majority of life sick or depressed or being abused. I have nothing to show for my almost 40 years on this planet. I’m a loser. At 40, I shouldn’t be acting like a 20-something year old. I should be a proper adult. And do proper adult things. I should be able to take care of myelf, my house, my life. I should be the typical 40 year old.

Why am I not?

Shouldn’t I be thinso-thin and spend my time at the gym and getting tan and like shopping at Lululemon? Shouldn’t I be walking a medium sized dog around who obeys my commands while I sip wine and talk about yoga? Shouldn’t I be getting my hair colored professionally and getting haircuts and manicures and pedicures and taking ski vacations? Taking pictures in the waves in my bikini at beach? Showing off my hard earned abs and perfect partner? Isn’t that what 39 is? Having a girls night where you go out and everyone drinks too much wine and they talk about their SO’s and ricing cauliflower and eating high protein and whatever?

Because... I’d hate that.

It sounds awful.

I just want to heal. I just want a chance to be me. Even if who I am is not a 40 year old woman. Even if I’m obese and a solid 45 pounds from my ideal weight. I want to be silly and have fun and... no one is ever going to want someone who is old with veritable Peter Pan syndrome. I feel like I need to weed put almost all of my graphic tee-shirts. They used to be fine but I can’t anymore. I’m supposed to be mature. I’m supposed to have this adulting thing figured out and adults wear real clothes, not graphic tees of cartoon characters.

Oh. And if I get this job. That I’ve been waiting a month to hear about, that I actually would love to get, not only will it mess up my dance classes, but my 40th birthday? I had wanted to have a party! An actual +real+ party with balloons and streamers because I’ve never gotten to have those things. My birthday falls on a Sunday, and if I get this job, I will be working Sunday, so I’ll be working on my birthday, and it’s the last day of my week, and the day before everyone starts work, so if I get it, I won’t bother celebrating at all. No party, no friends, no balloons, no streamers. No point. But a solid job is better than celebrating my 40th birthday. Jobs are way more important - especially when you don’t have one. Besides, I can always have a big party for my 50th. Or maybe, it’s not like I got to celebrate my birthdays for the bulk of my life, maybe this is just life telling me, I don’t need to start.

Or I don’t get the job after waiting a month to hear back because that’s just how my life is gonna roll.

Either way, nothing is ever truly good in my life. There’s always something to keep me humble and to keep me from feeling like maybe it’s all going to go my way for once.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 28, 2019 03:00 AM
Brief moment of 4am clarity. It’s the PMDD. The timeline fits. From last Friday to now. My period will start tomorrow. So all the more reason for this gynecologist appointment tp figure out how to control it. Blood test? Check my hormones? Get referred to a different specialist? Something has to give.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:21 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-03-28 10:59:18
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-03-28 12:58:17
I still don’t know about the job. I’ll be trying Lupron for thrree months to see if my PMDD is hormonal and if so my gynecologist is open to doing a bilateral oophorectomy. But basically I’ll be hitting menopause as soon as I get the shot. Fun? :/ But if it means I’m no longer suicidal, I’ll take it.

The other thing I was stressed about? I didn’t get it. I can appeal, but after all this, I didn’t get it. I want drive my car into an overpass and just be done with everything. I want to reach out but...

Eta: I tried K and SM. Neither are answering. I’m sitting in a parking lot. I appealed the decision. But I don’t see the point. I don’t see the point in any of it.

Eta2: K finally texted back but she hasn’t slept in days. I grabbed a knife from the glovebox and dug a hole in my wrist, let myself bleed enough to get home. SM isn’t answering, I sent her a voicemail, I think... this where things end? That hurts but they’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all been me and my stupid brain making things awful and destroying our relationship. I got home and counted out my sleeping pill prescription. I could take them all and it would be enough to not wake up.

It’s not that I didn’t get unemployment, it’s that my boss lied and said I volunteered to quit. It’s that when I tried to refinance the mortuon my house to make my debt more manageable, even though I had pay stubs through closing, she said no I wasn’t employed and the loan fell through. It’s that I was forced to resign, and I’m jobless and I just have no hope. I have nothing. And I’m trying to decide if going to aleep and never waking up again, never seeing my cats, is what I really want. Everything is so heavy on me. I’m just laying here with the bottle next to me, 21 pills, and trying to decide if life is actually worth living. I hate everything about myself. I hate my life. Why is this decision so hard?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 28, 2019 04:18 PM
Small update. I cried my to sleep briefly. Woke up and cried more. My teeth ache from crying. I’m safe. Right now I’m safe. I’m about to get dressed and go teach my class. My sister will be home when I get home. I’m so tired of everything.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:33 PM
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof... (karma: 1)
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 29, 2019 03:06 PM
I nuked my Facebook yesterday. I still have my messenger because I have friends that that’s the only way I contact them. But right now shedding all that unnecessary social media is so goddamn freeing.

My brain is quiet today.

I have a migraine.

But I no longer am the beholder of graphic torture porn of my own making.
TW: graphic description


In my head, my brain is conjuring feelings of laying peacefully on a table, having a butcher’s knife cleaver my hand off and the relief I’d feel through my body palpable. Of carving knives plunging down through my forearm, slicing through the muscle, blood pooling under my limbs, stabbing into the soft flesh of stomach, my thighs, just carving the muscles from my bone. The feeling of speeding up faster and faster and turning my car into the cement divider, the impact, the crushing of metal, the splintering as I spin out, my bones crushed, the absolute adrenaline and release and freedom of it.

And then there’s the sobbing part of me. The rational part of me. The part of me that pulled off the highway because the urge to follow through was so strong it scared me. The part of me that knows that those thoughts are not okay, they’re never okay, and is so worried that I’m going crazy. Literally while my brain is creating these scenes of absolute terror, I know rationally know they’re wrong. But I can’t stop the thought of this self-mutilation, self-amputation, self-destruction with the blood pouring - draining - from my body as I lay or sit there calmly, euphorically. It’s SO terrifying.

And today?

I’m fine.

Absolutely fine.

Like there’s not a centimeter of flesh under my bracelets knitting back together from the hole I made yesterday, the knife on my floorboard. That hole is what got me home safely though. Modern day blood letting, I swear. Just enough pain and just enough blood to keep my brain from overriding my rational self and crashing the car. Who does that?! Me I guess.

But today? Today? I went driving down a country road and just found my breath. Windows down, watching the horses and cows and bluebonnets. Today I feel good enough (migraine is only a 4) and confident enough to text the cute girl I connected on Tinder with to see if she was back in town and wanted to meet up. All it took was my period. By the way, she was super happy I textet and only just got back in town. So.

Anyway.

I just finished therapy and yeah, I’m fine today. As bad as the past two day were, I’m absolutely fine today.

re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sat Mar 30, 2019 04:47 PM
Pro-tip: on rxlist.com always look up the Medical Professional list of side effects, not the consumer one. Because after a small blackout/greyout this morning in my pointe class (I went from sitting to crouching) and having it happen twice last week, I decided to double check medication side effects and see if there were any anything that be creeping up on me. Actually yes. So orthostatic hypotension and syncope is a side effect of my antidepressant. I already have low blood pressure and vasovagal syncope so, this makes more sense why it’s been happening more frequently. But not anything to worry about I’d say. I’ll mention it to my psychiatrist when I see her in a few weeks just to add to my chart.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Apr 01, 2019 01:44 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-04-01 15:21:51
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-04-01 19:27:00
I’m trying to be so patient about this job. But good grief it’s been a month. I’ve waited a month. I need to know. For better or worse, I need the city to get back to me. Ahhhh. I think I’m going to call...

Eta: I called. They’re closed on Monday. Whoops!

Okay, so I did some productive stuff. I checked on the last two hospital bills and my auto insurance took care of the $282.88 and $540.74 that was left. I think that’s it for hospital/doctor bills? As of right now, not including what my health insurance paid out, my auto insurance paid a total of $8080.23 for my wreck in December.

I’m both simultaneously relieved and grateful and furious. Obviously relieved and grateful because I made the decision to add uninsured/underinsured to my policy, I chose to invest in personal health insurance. If I had still been married, I would have had neither of those protections. But because I chose me, because I chose my life, my happiness, my health, I am so well cared for from this wreck. That’s because of me. And I am damn proud of me for being proactive in taking care of me. For all the terrible shit I’ve been dealing with, through it all, I have been trying to do what’s best for me. I mean, even the suicidal ideation, there’s always been the voice telling me to fight, grounding me and keeping me here. And I am damn lucky my friends understand that for as mentally ill as my brain is, they also see that I genuinely AM trying to find the right medications or treatments or diagnoses so I can make progress and not succumb to the depression. That they know I hate my behavior and actions while depressed and I want to change, I don’t want to be that person, that I don’t want apologize for my actions, I’m ready to genuinely move forward and be less ill.

So why am I furious?

$8080.23 paid by my auto insurance, $2102.81 paid by my insurance and I had to take a week off because the doctor at the hospital wrote me a note telling to do that. I had whiplash and a concussion and my insurance combined paid $10,183.04 due to this hit and run, and because I had no sick leave and my vacation time was used up, I was back at work the following Monday. I still, today, have significant difficulty with word retrival from the concussion. This happened December 10th and in January, despite having 10 days off for rest and coming back with a positive attitude, I had to deal with a write-up concerning December for not doing enough in my job.

I’m furious that I didn’t make her fire me.

I’m furious that I was written up for having depression, for being upset and dealing with emotions while in DBT IOP and getting written up whike still actively attending, for getting written up after getting in a major wreck. For all that happening and for my boss exploiting my past history of abuse to cowrce me to quit, instead of firing me directly.

I think I’m going to go destroy something.

Don’t worry, it’s Audrey II. It’s out of control, done blooming, and is attacking when you try to walk past. It needs to be cut back severely and I think today is the day.

ETA2:?By the way, without health insurance, my total hospital bills would have been $18,762.60. But because of insurance discounts, it was a fraction of that. And I get written up for not performing up to expectations. Yup.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Apr 11, 2019 10:02 PM
“Hey there. So I’m not feeling good about doing this, but I need to cancel tomorrow. I am just not really feeling it for a date. I think you’re super intelligent and you have a lot of amazing interests and I’m sure you’re super sweet. But we are in such different places right now and I don’t think it’s going to be a good fit. I do, however, wish you all the luck on your new dating venture! It’s super exciting.”

So.

Image hotlink - 'https://giphy.com/gifs/soultrain-soul-train-bad-luck-3ohjV5uukLAvnhS7vy'
I’m glad she was honest and upfront about it. Didn’t make excuses. But... I was really looking forward to tomorrow. I think I’m going to just delete my online dating apps. Women don’t want to go out with me. And frankly, I kinda needed the ego boost that even going on a date would’ve brought. No job responses except for negative ones. No unemployment. If I have heard something by the 15th, I’m applying at Costco or Whole Foods 360 and... I’ll die a little inside and just... go to work and pay bills. Because that’s all I get.

I was too much of a waste of time to even bother going on a date with.

That, that hurts way more then meeting up and realizing there’s nothing there. I’m a waste of time, so she isn’t going to even bother.

I’m going to go crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself and cry a bit. My ego took a pretty big hit. This isn’t the first time I’ve been told I’m a waste of someone’s time. The ex told me that. I think that’s why it hurts as much as it does. I’m not worth spending time on. Well, I’ll get my garden finished so that’s something.

I think I give up on dating. I’m tired of wanting to be wanted and no wanting me. My whole damn life. I just wish so badly for someone to want me, no strings attached, just for fun and making out and yeah. Just being touched. I want it so bad. I just want someone to hold my hand or sit with me or just want to be with me. Just someone to have fun with. I’ve never gotten to have that. Ever. I just want to be wanted.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Apr 12, 2019 08:19 AM
Honestly, I’m still upset/sad. And it has less to do with the woman than it has to do with me. I mean canceling the night before is kind of shitty, but that’s her call for her life. I also don’t flirt over text. It goes completely over my head. Looking back, I think she was flirting and I just obliviously missed it. So I guess I can’t blame her. I appeared to lack interest.

Maybe I did? She was cute. Cute enough for me to swipe right. But not my type exactly? But I’m not holding fast for my type on dating apps, because I figure at this point, it’s more important to put myself out there and make human connections and meet different personalities and figure out who my type is, not just visually what I prefer. So at the moment, I’m really open to everyone, so long as there’s some attraction. And she was one of those. Cute enough, bio seemed fine, but wasn’t anything I was super excited over? Other than the fact that she matched with me and wanted to go on a date. I was +super+ excited to go on a date!

What I’m most upset and sad about is how easily triggered I am. How quickly her not wanting to meet made me immediately jump to I’m-a-waste-of-her-time because that’s what B had told me. That he couldn’t bother to cuddle with me for even ten minutes because it was a waste of his time - just months into our marriage - and how that closed me off. So here I’m trying to be open and vulnerable, and I interpret this rejection as me being a waste of her time, time she could spend better off. And that’s what made me cry, makes me want to cry now. The past trauma rearing back up and triggering my emotions now.

Well, I have therapy today. And now we have a lot to discuss.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Apr 15, 2019 09:18 PM
I’m going on a friggin date with a hot waiter I’ve been flirting with who I gave my number to on Saturday. I’m fully prepared to have really hot sex with him too. And boy-o looks easily 10-15 years my junior (or more). You know what? Imma embrace the cougar. Them demons can fork off.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Apr 16, 2019 04:38 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-04-16 04:48:04 he’s younger than my nephews, let that trip you up
Hey y’all: i just spent the night with a 23 year old. Aw yih.
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