I want to feel love.

I want to feel like I'll be good enough

I want to feel half decent about myself, and feel pretty

I want to be in a relationship

I want my first kiss

I want to be trully happy

I want to stop feeling sorry for myself

I am a straight guy, but I love wearing my dance tights everyday under my work clothes.

Sometimes I even masturbate in them.

I once, in a moment of weakness, questioned the fluffy, golden-brown authority. Please forgive me.

i hate my body! everyone thinks i have this great body and stuff, but i hate my body! im a little under five feet tall and done growing and i weigh XXX lbs! this is the most i have ever weighed in my life and i feel discusting. i want to die! i dont even fit 0's anymore! i used to tell my friends how gross i felt but they all got incredibly sick of me and i quit doing it because i dont just feel like this for attention, i want to a be a ballerina and ballerinas cant be fattys.

I tried on a pair of my sister's pants today that she didn't want. They were too small and they were a size 3. I almost had a panic attack and started freaking out. I can't eat tomorrow. I WON'T eat tomorrow.

I could never tell my friends what happened not because i don't want to tell them that I never want to eat again, because I can't admit that I didn't fit into size 3 jeans. I feel removed enough from them as it is because I'm bigger than all of them, but THIS? No, they could never, ever know.

I feel like I would be pushed even further away from them after this

I am so jealous of my best friend. She's pretty, popular, and it seems like she gets everything she wants.

I'm so sick of being a virginal little goody-two shoes. But, at the same time I'm scared of screwing up my life. I've never even kissed a guy or had a boyfriend. Sometimes I think I will be alone the rest of my life.

I care way too much what other people think of me. I am constantly wondering what people are saying about me or thinking about me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to go to college and not having a set plan freaks me out.

This is so incredibly pathetic, but I'm jealous of the "popular" and "prominate" members of DDN. It's like wow, I can't even be popular on the internet. How sad is that.

I have serious issues with body image, and I know about eating disorders. In fact, my best friend battled bulemia for a long time. However, it pisses me off SO MUCH to hear all of these girls complaining about how a size 0 is to small. I'm a freaking 14/16 (american) I would give anything to be a size 10, let alone a 0. Hearing all of these people calling themselves fat I think, "god, what do skinny people think of me. I must seem like a whale to them!" Yeah, I know ED's are all mental, and they are a serious problem. But really, I can't believe that society has such a warped idea of bodies that these size 0 girls think they are fat. Gah, it makes me frustrated on so many levels.

exactly. why didn't mods make this a sticky, anyway?

I tried on a pair of my sister's pants today that she didn't want. They were too small and they were a size 3. I almost had a panic attack and started freaking out. I can't eat tomorrow. I WON'T eat tomorrow.

i dont even fit 0's anymore!

I was mugged and raped 2 weeks ago. I have only told my room mate. She blamed me because I was walking alone at night. I feel so stupid and so violated. I can't sleep at night without having nightmares. I have not gone to class since the rape. I have not told the police, even though I know I should because it might save other girls. No one tried to save me.

I was molested as a child by an uncle and a grandfather, and had just recently began to accept myself again. I am a Christian, trying to be pure, and that is no longer an option -but it wasn't my choice!!

I don't like myself right now, and really wish I could just be someone else. I'm too chicken to do anything about it. I don't want to tell anyone else, because I don't want them to know how stupid I was. I should have called someone to pick me up, but I thought I would be okay.

Advice is welcome. I need to pull myself together again.

I have not gone to class since the rape. I have not told the police...I was molested as a child by an uncle and a grandfather, and had just recently began to accept myself again.

i feel so stupid and worthless right now. nobody loves me. really. nobody. i have no friends at school, i only just realized how absolutely profound that is, i mean NO ONE is a friend to me. they used to be, i dont know what happened though, but i dont belong anywhere now. i tried to tell myself that its okay, at least i've got my boyfriend...well... he said he would call... an hour ago... i've just absolutely had it with life, with everything. it isn't ever going to be better because it's all my god damn fault. i'm too antisocial or whatever! screw it. i want to get real messed up tomorrow... pot or something! but maybe, screw it... i'd be better off dead. nobody here cares anyway.

I cry every night, even when I don't know what I'm crying about.

I cut myself, tho not as often as before. The reason I don’t cut as often is because I cut
deeper now, so rather than making new cuts, I pick off my scabs just to watch the blood. I
love to watch myself bleed, and to look at a bleached white Kleenex stained red with my
blood- there’s a lot of reasons I like it: I like to focus on something other than my
emotional state, and I like to feel like there’s something I can control, even when there’s
nothing I really can.

I think I may be developing an eating disorder, and I like it. I eat one meal a day, and
every few days I won't eat a meal at all. It gives me something to focus my energy on.

I think I may be developing a dependency on alcohol, and I like it. I throw back a couple
of shots nearly every night by myself before bed. I like not hurting inside afterwards.

I force myself to sleep. I take three times as many sleeping pills as the recommended dose
at a time. I do this the nights that I don’t drink, and sometimes I combine the two. I also
force myself to sleep in until just before I have to go to work because I don’t hurt when
I’m asleep. I also take these pills sometimes at 7 or 8 pm on my days off so I can go to
sleep earlier and not have to be all alone in my apartment with nothing but my thoughts
for company.

I have a friendship with a man 10 years older than me, and it is one of the most important
friendships in my life. He’s a coworker, and because I see him at the office after hours
when he comes in to clean, and because we often make sexual jokes towards each other at
work, people are starting to make rumors about us. What they don’t know is that even
though I wouldn’t say no to him, we aren’t sexually involved. He is one of the only
people that truly make me happy.

Another man that truly makes me happy also causes me a lot of true misery. I’ve made
him cheat on four girlfriends since we’ve known each other, but he’s never really resisted
much. I love him, and he knows that. He takes it for granted, and I let him. He doesn’t
know that if he were to ask me to marry him, I wouldn’t hesitate. I’ve also seriously
considered telling him I’m on birth control pills again and having sex without a condom
with him, even though he’s with the fourth girlfriend still. I want to get pregnant and have
something of him with me forever, should we never figure our situation out.

I honestly, truly wonder sometimes if I’m going crazy. And it scares me. My friends laugh
at the weird, odd, nonsensical things I do, because they’ve gotten used to it. I laugh with
them, but inside I’m terrified, because I can feel myself losing my grip on reality when I
do these things.

More and more I detach myself from reality to avoid the pain I go through everyday. And
it seems like everytime I do, I come back to reality a little bit slower.

I can feel myself losing control of my life, and that scares me too. I do all these stupid
things to try and numb the pain, because I can’t afford counselling, and I’ve spent the past
6 years of my life trying to fix this all myself, and nothing works. The reason I like that I
may be developing an eating disorder, and that I like that I cut myself, and that I like that I
drink all alone late at night, is because it gives me something solid that’s wrong with me.
For the most part I have a really good life, so I never feel I have a right to complain. I
always feel like I’m not worthy of feeling depressed, so having something like an eating
disorder gives me some THING that’s wrong with me.


My parents never pressured me to be perfect. I always did that to myself. The few times
I’ve gotten the guts to go to a counsellor about my problems, I always water down my
answers to their questions so that I don’t sound so messed up, so I’m closer to perfect. I
didn’t tell my parents when I went on antidepressants, and I never cry in front of them,
because doing those things is admitting to them that I’m not perfect. And I know that to
them, that doesn’t matter at all, but to me it does. I know that they just want me to be
happy, and that they want to help me be happy, but knowing those things doesn’t make it
any easier to admit I’m messed up to them.

Sometimes I wish I could just talk to random people that I don't know about my problems. People that don't know me, and won't try to sugar coat what they tell me.

Today i sat there in class.. at a group with people who used to be good friends and now they dont even talk to me..

my friend told me its because i dont talk to them.. but what the hell, i do. All the time- they just dont hear me. I really am invisible..

I wish i would just die in my sleep tonight.. i hate my life... its like this every day. If i was strong enough i would just end it myself.. right now

most days i just want to die. My friends dont care. They all used to, but some grew apart, some just ignore me because they dont hear me. I cry out. but they dont hear me..

if i were screaming.. and dying would they even care? I dont think they ever would..

i feel so ugly and worthless.. i would give anything to be a size like 5 even.. i want an eating disorder to feel better about myself.. but my luck, it would never work.

i want to cut.. i havent done it for 2 weeks= almost three, but i NEED to

i want an eating disorder to feel better about myself..

I've always posted really personal diaries on ddn. I spill almost all my secrets into them. I post here too, for the secrets that sound better anonymously. (or for the times when I really don't want to use my diary - like now)

I received an email tonight, from a guy I know from uni. He said he wondered why my flatmates sign in name is that she is a god of £$%^& (that's not a bad word, but I don't want to be identified...) and why not a goddess. So he assumed it was a reference to something, so instead of asking my flatmate (as you would assume would be the smart thing to do) He, in this, amazing, faceless society, where we need so little personal contact that people are beginning to feel lonely because they spend too much time on the internet, googled the reference. As the reference was "Jane* is the god of £$%^&" (*that's not her name, in case you hadn't guessed) He came up with a link to ddn (hence why I'm not saying her msn screen name here) and it was a diary of mine.

He read a lot of it.

There's one reason why I don't tell people the name of the dance website I come onto. It's because of the personal things I put into that particular dairy. That one thread that I never wanted anyone I know personally to read, because it has my opinions of them and reactions to them and their personalities in it. He read it. He read the entries up until Christmas.

I never want to speak to him again. Ever. It's going to be difficult, since he considers himself a friend of mine. It's my birthday soon. He is one of those generous people that spends lots on people he considers friends (although the girls (yes, only girls) that he bought presents for at Christmas don't consider him a close friend at all) If he gets me anything for my birthday I'm going to refuse it. I'm a Christian. He's a Muslim. He bought Christmas presents, which totally belittles my faith. What a w*****. (yes, I realise you're going to have to edit that word. I don't care, so long as you get across how pissed off I am)

I fell in love with someone's smile the other day. I can't get it off my mind

I like him so much, it hurts.

I wish he could know how much I care for him.

I see him everyday and we smile everyday.

but it can never be more than that.