Forum: Advice / GLBT PG-13

The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By quelle_nightmaremember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:19 PM
Locked by quelle_nightmare (105554) on 2006-10-19 14:42:27 Old!

Hey everyone,

I guess this is more of a vent than anything else, but lately I've been really questioning my sexuality. Not that I think I might be GLBT, but I think i might NOT be! For the past four years I've been out (to most/some people anyhow) as bisexual, but right now I'm in the most amazing (straight) relationship that is making me question everything. I've been dating this guy for just over a year and a half, and both of us are starting to think this could last awhile, and it's kind of making me question...everything. Over the past year or two I've gotten progressively straighter (in so many ways, less radical, less super-politically-charged, less openly queer - I guess there's not as much of a need to be openly queer cos I'm with a guy) until finally I feel like I'm...straight.

It was my boyfriend who pointed this out to me - we were on the subway, on PRIDE SUNDAY, and in Toronto, Pride is MASSIVE because we have a really really strong and loud queer community. But we weren't going to the parade. We were going to a ballroom dancing class. ANn the day before, we went to the Home Depot. For fun. Tomorrow, we're going to a "graduation" social dance for our ballroom class at a ballroom in the suburbs. He just looked at me and said, 'Wow, look at how straight you've gotten.'
Four years ago I was wearing Docs, a member of the Squad 416 Radical Cheerleaders, completely and unrequitedly in love with my best (female) friend, and questioning whether I was straight...at all.

The biggest thing for me has always been that I don't think bisexuality is just a phase you pass through - I think it can be for some people, but that's bisexuality - that's healthy sexual exploration. But I never thought it was just a phase for me - the feelings I had, they felt too real to be a phase. While I never actually dated a girl (I've really only dated two guys in my life - one guy for like a month and my current boyfriend - and I'm pretty sure the first guy was gay anyway) I spent a year trying to get in my best friend's pants, and if the nights up, the letters sent back and forth, the eight-month long knot in my stomach wasn't insatiable love then I don't know what is!



So basically, after that big long thing, I'm asking if anyone's experienced anything similar. A gradual...straightening, if you will? So few people in my life now know - my boyfriend is really one of two or three people close to me who are even aware of my sexuality, and I'm starting to question whether or not I want to come out to my family ever (even though they are so supportive, so left-wing, and would totally be fine with it).

So, let's talk.

9 Replies to The neverending confusion of bisexuality

re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By Earilmadithmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:50 PM
Hmm... I realized I was bisexual around six months ago, and before that I'd never looked twice at another girl. Since then, by boyfriend of almost 18 months dumped me a few months ago and I've been with the most wonderful girlfriend in the world. She's a lesbian, so when I'm with her and we're talking about other people and whether we think they're attractive or not, or gossip or things like that, all we talk about is girls, since she is msot definitely not attracted to guys. Since I've been with her and not with a boy, it seems I've thought about guys less and about girls more... Maybe our 'polarity' changes depending on who we're with at the time, and who is making us happy.

Since you've never dated a girl, or presumably felt attracted to anyone but your best friend, it could just be a one-time thing, and you're really straight, or your attraction could have just been misplaced feelings and hormones and rebellion smooshed together.

Also, as you get older you're probably just mellowing a bit, the hot blood of youth cools down and you start to slowly, but surely, transform into a soccer mom. Enjoy the ride (in the SUV)! Hehe, I joke, I joke, but as life sorts out, your sexuality will too. I hope. Good luck!
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By Boogledoomember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Jul 30, 2006 04:37 PM
well im not bisexual but i often wander in here lol,
maybe its just that you fall in love with who you fall in love with, if you fall in love with a guy you think about guys. if you fall in love with a girl, you think about girls. My friend is similiar..se thinks of herself not as bisexual but open to love...i suppose its just another way of saying it lol
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By snackcakemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Aug 01, 2006 12:57 AM
I agree with Boogedo, being bi is just being open to love-with anyone, male or female. Its wonderful knowing guys arn't the only ones you can go after..hehe.
but I do understand your situation, although backwards.
See, I have always felt some sort of attraction toward females, and have always thought that the female body was beautiful and I enjoyed seeing it more than a males, although I was also very attracted to males.
But, since I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of almost two years, I have noticed my atraction towards females is becomming stronger. I probably check out other girls more than he does,haha. I haven't exactly told him how I feel about females, but I've always said to him what if I were bi. and he never seems to mind..but what guy would..joking. Its not as though he is turning me bi, or even gay, actually I don't know what it is to be honest.
As for you, you may be straight and just have been confused before and experimental, or maybe since you have been with a male for a while, its hard to be attracted to a female, not sure.
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By greeneyed_barbie
On Thu Aug 03, 2006 07:31 AM
I know how you feel snackcake! I was in exactly the same situation you are discribing not too long ago.
I like your Soccer mum joke Earilmadith. (One of my best friend is the hottest gay soccer mum ever) :)
I also like Boogledoos friends outlook...somtimes I agree with it somtimes I dont. I think its definatly a healthy way of looking at it for some people though. Sexuality is a very fluid thing, it can change all the time (my hott gay soccer mum friend told be that):)
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By aStarForTrying
On Sun Aug 13, 2006 11:44 PM
This is a rather difficult thing to explain because it is so different for everybody so I will tell you my experience and hope it sheds some light.

My sister and my best friend and a handfull of other people know I am bi but alot dont...i have just come out of a very long male/female relationship and right now nothing repulses me more than a guy. However when I was in the straight relationship I didnt really think about the same sex at all. I guess it just depends on your surroundings and how you feel about the person you're with. I have a crush on someone right now and I told my sister and she said "I thought you were over the whole Bi thing" I told her that just because you're in a straught relationship doesnt mean you just "stop" being Bi.

i hope this makes sense
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By tapislove
On Wed Aug 23, 2006 10:01 PM
"I have a crush on someone right now and I told my sister and she said "I thought you were over the whole Bi thing""

same thing happened to me! i was telling my friend about this girl and shes like"oh my are you going bi again?"

i was like err..its not a thing you can really stop.
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By l3m0np34rmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Sep 23, 2006 04:46 AM
Edited by thefunkygibson (115594) on 2006-09-23 05:01:25 Silly mistakes lol - sorry it's such a long post I guess I needed to vent too!
Edited by thefunkygibson (115594) on 2006-09-23 05:21:38 damn smiley!
Ok, wow, I'm freaked out - I think we are the same person!

Well not quite - I was going out with a guy for about a month who I told everything to, we broke up last week and last night he told me he's gay and then my friend told me he'd outed me to loads of people. That's another story entirely but I'm not angry at him really. And before that I was in love with my best friend for a year - and like you said "I spent a year trying to get in my best friend's pants" - I totally know where you're coming from!! :D

When I was going out with this guy I realised that I really loved his masculinity - I just liked the feeling of being with someone bigger and broader than me (I'm 5'2" and he's 5'11") - girls just don't have the same broad shoulders, but then guys don't have the breasts... ;) :P

I suppose I've not really been thinking about being attracted to people recently, I'm not really looking for a relationship because I daydream more than is healthy and I've got major exams coming up and need my concentration! I still find girls attractive and in some ways preferable to guys (who likes football anyway??) but since I fell out of love with my female crush I've been wondering if I was just really confused with loving her as a friend or romantic love and if I'm actually bi. But I think I'm less opposed to guys now - even if I know now that my type of guy is in fact a gay one :D

I still believe I fall in love with people and not gender, and I agree with Boogledoo in that I was into girls and into guys at different times. I think just now I'm just waiting for the next person to come along and make me fall in love with them!

Anyway, good luck, I hope everything turns out well for you - your relationship sounds wonderful! Follow your heart I guess, and just have fun!

Jane xxx
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By sweetyface17
On Thu Oct 19, 2006 10:00 AM
I've been going through a stge of confusion. I've always been "straight" (I think everyone is GLBT to some extent), but being in Musical Theatre and Art, I find almost all of my friends are bi or gay. The weird thing is, I have this sort of crush on one of them (female). See, this is why I don't like labels. If you love somebody, that's all there is to it, why make a fuss over the gender? People are people. I try to focus more on who I am, rather than trying to fit into the stereotypes. It's way too hard to conform to one idea of anything. I don't have to choose between pancakes and waffles, do I? Why should sexuality be any different?
re: The neverending confusion of bisexuality
By NeoSoulchildmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Oct 19, 2006 02:11 PM
Just because you're bisexual doesn't mean you HAVE to be with both sexes at the same time. You're with your boyfriend, you love him, and you don't look or want anyone else- even girls. GOOD! That's how relationships are suppose to be whether you're gay, lesbian, bi or straight. You're bisexual if you're opened to dating or having sexual contact with a girl- involved in a relationship or not. I'm dating a guy, and I plan on being with him for the rest of my life. However, I know that if this doesn't work out, and I'm single, and a nice attractive girl I like wants to kick it... I'm going for it!

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