Forum: Advice / GLBT PG-13

Not enough...
By Elfinn
On Mon May 28, 2007 09:23 PM

Hey, just wondered what you thought of this. My girlfriend and I have been talking about breaking up recently (I mean in terms of when the time comes, not talking about ending it now). A few weeks ago, I told her we needed a bit of space from each other (cos we were constantly by each others sides all day everyday and of course, it gets a bit much.) Naturally, this upset her, but we worked it out just fine. Then last week I suddenly freaked out cos she was told that this guy fancies her, and he's an Usher look-a-like so ya know, its competition in my mind. It jolted me into reality and made me face the possibility of losing her, and I admit, I went way off. I think this has scared her off a little bit, despite the fact we've been together not short of a year now. Anyway, last night, we were talking and she said she had a feeling that our relationship was gonna end soon, even though its the last thing she wants. She's straight, but for some amazing reason, she fell in love with me. She really hurt me tonight, as we talked about it again, and she said how in the future she thinks she's going to need a guy. I mean, this sent me reeling (in a non-positive way..) and it felt like my heart and stomach had been stabbed repeatedly. To feel like you're not enough for someone (even though it is just physically) is a terrible, terrible feeling. Just wanted to hear your views on this and if any of you have experienced not being enough for your girl/guy, just because you didn't have the right parts. Cheers!

2 Replies to Not enough...

re: Not enough... (karma: 3)
By VeniciaDansaPremium member
On Tue May 29, 2007 09:07 AM
I don't believe this has anything to do with the 'right parts' as much as the right chemistry. Let me try to explain.

Love, deep love, can be for many people, animals, memories... it really has very little to do with - sex - . You can be heartbroken about the loss of your cat, for example.... more than you would over the loss of a grandparent that you rarely saw or that lover that you had crazy intimate sex with and little to no feelings for.
Its about the time, care, affection and interaction that we have.

Relationships, although they are on a different plain than say your family or pets, are similar- we just get it all confused with sex. You can have deep affection, care, concern and interaction with many "lovers" in your lifetime, but some of those "lovers" may never be sexual lovers. Having right parts does not deepen the feelings you have another person... at least that is what I think.

Having been down the road of "not being enough" for someone... I can understand your hurt, but can assure you... it has NOTHING to do with your parts. If your girlfriend (and yourself) identify herself as straight... then you both knew that her long range plans have always POTENTIALLY been to be in a straight relationship. This does not belittle the fun and the feelings that you have shared... but the fact that she has obviously always presented herself as "straight" means that she will eventually want to "live a straight life" (whatever that means). She sees herself as being in a serious long term relationship with a man... not a woman. This does not mean that she does not love you or appreciate all that you have to offer, it means that she sees something else as her future.

Do you want to be in a long term love relationship with someone who identifies themselves as straight?
Do you want to be in a long term love relationship with someone who is clearly gay, and wants a female/female relationship with you?

Is this any different than the heterosexual couple with one partner always identifying themselves as bi-sexual or gay? No. In a past relationship I had, my partner wanted the bi-sexual relationship as part of our relationship. I wanted to be with ONE person who only wanted to be with me. Obviously this was not going to work... it wasn't about my parts... or lack of, it wasn't that we didn't love each other. It was ultimately that we wanted different lifestyles and held different ideals. I did not love him any less and he did not love me any less... but our relationship or depth of love was challenged or limited by having different fantasies and hopes. I simply could not see myself starting a family with someone who I felt deep down that I could not trust to always be there... because they actually wanted to be somewhere else.
Does that make sense?

I could not hold back the man I loved from being who he was... nor could he impose on me to be someone that I wasn't. It was a very difficult split... and not the first for me (as it turned out), my next partner had the same ideals as my ex.

For some people, they can choose to accept these kinds of "terms and conditions" in a relationship... I could not. I want romantic and unconditional love. I think that is what you want too... so you need to let go and be ready to open yourself to someone else. As painful as that sounds, it is clear. And I think you have known that for a long time.

Love comes into your life in many ways... and many times. It surprises you, it scares you, it hurts you and it sweeps you away. It is unpredictable, and yet... we all know the seasons of love so well. Read some poetry, some Shakespeare... lose yourself in the tangle of feelings... and you will find that real, deep love has absolutely nothing to do with "parts"... and everything to do with trust, care, and honesty. If nothing else, your girlfriend has been honest and fair with you... and that is a huge gift.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E E Cummings

Good luck... pm me if you need to.
re: Not enough...
By Elfinn
On Tue May 29, 2007 11:29 AM
Wow, karma to you!! That was a very beautiful answer, I really really appreciate everything you wrote in there. The poem was also extremely beautiful, I will keep that for future reference :D.

The relationship I'm in would be perfect (well, for her) if I was a guy, we've got the deep deeep love, respect, ability to make each other laugh and feel the most special person walking this earth etc etc. You're so right about me needing to let go; it's strange you said that because it has been a major issue for me in my life so far with friends (as this is my first relationship). The time hasn't come for my girlfriend and I to split yet (thank goodness) but I think this is a lesson I have to learn sooner or later.

Being in a gay relationship with a usually-straight partner is very very difficult, I mean seeing guys flirting with her right in front of my eyes (they don't suspect or know about us) kills me. It's hard to see in front of you when you're in an immense pool of love, especially when it's your first love! I can't bear to think of me OR her with anyone else. This is where I need the letting-go skill, eh?!

Anyway, thank you again so very much for your reply :)



Powered by XP Experience Server.
Copyright ©1999-2018 XP.COM, LLC. All Rights Reserved.