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Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By oz_helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11196, member since Sat Aug 10, 2002
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 05:22 AM


Inspired by both real-life experiences and happenings on various parenting boards, I thought I'd see how other parents felt about this issue.

Helen

46 Replies to Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?

re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 07:08 AM
This was epidemic and endemic in my wife's family where there were a lot of aunts who were always willing to butt in. It drove some of my wife's sisters who remained nearby utterly nuts.

Our solution to this was to live 900 miles away. We did just fine.

Jon
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 07:24 AM
My aunts offer up all sorts of advice, all the time, without my asking.

I have one aunt, in particular, that has a bit of a flair for the dramatic.

In fact, at two months, when I mentioned that James only had one poopy diaper a week (which his pediatrician was well aware of, and perfectly OK with), she told me that I needed to start giving him juice.

And the other day, when she saw him walk, she suggested that he put casts on his feet, in order to stop him from turning his feet to the outside.

Um...he's been walking two weeks. He's not exactly perfect at it.

She makes me nuts. I know she means well, and I know that she wouldn't tell me to do anything that was wrong, or bad, but she makes me crazy.

James' pediatrician told me that no pediatricians have done casts in probably 20 years, which would have been the last time she worked with any kids. She's a former pediatric nurse, and fancies herself quite the expert. Heh.

t
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Celebrianmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7921, member since Thu Mar 31, 2005
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 01:14 PM
If I ask for parenting advice, I've got to be prepared for what I get, you know? You can't post for advice on DDN or ask for advice from people in 'real life' and then get angry at what they say.

But when I don't ask for parenting advice, 75-80% of the time it BURNS ME UP for someone to butt in. If it's some really good advice I never even thought of I'd have to begrudgingly give it respect and maybe even try it. But most of the time, it just pisses me off.

With anything not having to do with parenting, I don't get angry that easily. What is it about having these little people that makes us hair-trigger angry with anything anyone says about them that's possibly negative?
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 09:59 PM
^Oh, on ddn, that's a whole other story. If I'm posting questions, it's because I want the advice, or at least the experiences of those who have gone before me. Heh.
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By oz_helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11196, member since Sat Aug 10, 2002
On Thu Sep 06, 2007 10:20 PM
A lot of the time I'll just ask how other people have done something or coped with something rather than asking how I should do something.

I was mainly asking about the whole "unsolicited advice" thing. I wish I had the guts to tell people where to stick it. In my head, I'm telling them where to stick it. But on the outside, I just smile and nod and let it pass.

Helen

Comment #6398405 deleted
Removed by Theresa (28613) on 2007-09-07 22:54:05 not a parent

re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By PRODUCTIONSBYKJ Comments: 21, member since Wed Aug 23, 2006
On Fri Sep 07, 2007 11:06 AM
Yes it bothers me a bit, all though I dont show it to many people. I think the first time it bothered me was when my daughter was 3 months old. We were in the grocery store and this woman out of no where walks up and says YOU need to get more blankets on that baby she is freezing. Mind you it was winter she was in a full fleez zip up outfit in her stroller and covered by a big blanket, and sweating ! lol
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By DeeDeesPremium member Comments: 4147, member since Fri Jan 26, 2007
On Wed Sep 12, 2007 01:37 AM
Depends on advice given and who given by really.

My Mum didnt interfere much but mum-in-law was (is) always saying things she did or more often, didnt approve of.Eg not picking up baby too much, weaning at 3 months, my breastfeeding on demand etc. I politely turned a deaf ear and did my own thing. But I took good advice other times too.
Depends really.

D
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By dancersmum Comments: 1051, member since Fri Feb 21, 2003
On Sun Nov 11, 2007 03:29 PM
yes and no if i feel someone is butting in then yes if its advice no, i work in a childrens home for challenging behaviour and i am trained in behaviour management i sometime feel like butting in myself never do though lol.
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By momofthreedancrsmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 971, member since Mon Jul 12, 2004
On Sun Nov 11, 2007 06:01 PM
I take all the aunts and grandmothers advice with a grain of salt... I have gotten the most advice with my youngest, and she's the easiest since I've been through it already twice before with her brothers... I just nod and shake my head... You would think after the third one I wouldn't need so much advice, but alas you haven't meet our family..lol
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Angeldanie Comments: 133, member since Sat Jan 07, 2006
On Wed Nov 28, 2007 08:58 PM
It drives me nuts to have some one come up and tell me how to raise my kids. I try to be nice about it, but when it is some one you see often it can wear on you.
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By bopsnrachmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5088, member since Tue Jan 22, 2008
On Thu Jan 24, 2008 08:17 AM
Hi I was always better at taking advice from my own family than my ex's. However now we have divorced none of them have any contact so its definetly easier. In general it is hard to take even though you know your not perfect all the time.
Tinax
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By bunheadmom Comments: 54, member since Fri Apr 06, 2007
On Thu Apr 03, 2008 05:57 AM
Coincidentally, this was something I was venting about yesterday with a friend. Ihave 3 older sisters with grown children that constantly remark (negatively) about how I am raising my only daughter. They feel I am too involved, they think she is too skinny, they think I am too lax in some areas - too tough in others.
Strangely though, somehow dd is a A student, top athlete and talented dancer. She's compassionate, loving, happy and fit.
Strangely enough, of my 9 grown neices and nephews, not one has gone to college - I love them but almost all were capable of more.
I wish the 'sisters' would see my child is the way she is because of my choices rather than in spite of them.

Thank - you - its good to vent a little :)
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By reelycutemember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1197, member since Tue May 31, 2005
On Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:21 AM
when jack was first born it used to really annoy me when people tried to tell me how I should be doing things, my MIL used to be forever telling me what was 'wrong' with jack when every he cried and it really drove me insane, I think she finally caught on after awhile and no longer says much conserning how Im raising my son. My Own mum really drove me crazy when she came to stay at christmas by forever taking over but I no she didnt mean any harm she aint half as bad now and I think she realised im capable of doing things myself. But I do understand that they both more then likely thought they were being helpful and that they just wanted to give me advice as they have both been there, I guess ill probley be the same with my grandchildren lol! ;)
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Apr 07, 2008 09:20 PM
Mine was not on the list.
No, Though I rarely get any advice that would be new to me, I get a kick out of someone offering advice. It opens up a conversation where I usually talk their ear off. After a while, I am guessing they regreted offering me advice. (I love talking shop).
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By crunchyPremium member Comments: 4810, member since Wed Nov 05, 2003
On Fri Aug 15, 2008 02:57 PM
Edited by alyrie (77200) on 2008-08-15 15:01:30
Celebrian wrote:

If I ask for parenting advice, I've got to be prepared for what I get, you know? You can't post for advice on DDN or ask for advice from people in 'real life' and then get angry at what they say.

But when I don't ask for parenting advice, 75-80% of the time it BURNS ME UP for someone to butt in. If it's some really good advice I never even thought of I'd have to begrudgingly give it respect and maybe even try it. But most of the time, it just pisses me off.

With anything not having to do with parenting, I don't get angry that easily. What is it about having these little people that makes us hair-trigger angry with anything anyone says about them that's possibly negative?


ha! I agree with all of this 110%

My cousins are visiting for a few weeks, and one is in her 50s...no kiddos, she's an only child, never been around a small child a day in her life, and yet she knows more about my daughter than I do, and knows exactly what *I* need to do with her under any given circumstances. It's incredible!

*gags*

It has taken every single bit of willpower I possess to not slap her and tote Olivia back to my house. I just have to keep repeating "Only X more days. Only X more days."

I just don't understand why everyone feels the need to offer up unsolicited advice. I'm sure some think they are giving you golden nuggets of info...but info I know is bad (my sister in law telling me to look for a used carseat on craigslist), I will either correct them with the right info, or if the person is obviously going to try and defend their post, I'll just walk away. Not worth my breath most of the time.
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Fri Aug 15, 2008 06:25 PM
As most of you know, I'm old enough to be retired and a grandparent.

Soooo, last week on my visit to my home town, I dropped in on my Uncle (age 93) and my Aunt (age 89).

So I, who has been awarded two college degrees, graduated with honors from high school and grad school, had a high level career etc. etc. had to listen to my aunt tell me that she certainly did not approve of the way my parents and particularly my mom (her husband's younger sister) raised me.

She said she really objected that my mother worked full time when I was in grade school and that I was a "latch key" kid e.g. took care of myself after school and during the summers.

I told her I thought I had an ideal childhood and developed independence at a very early age.

After we left their assisted living residence, my wife and I doubled over in laughter.

Incidently their two girls, my cousins, never left town. One does have a college degree but works sewing curtains in a department store. Her sister never went to college and age 57 finally has her first full time job. [She's had a succession of numerous and simultaneous part-time jobs all paying minimum wages.]

Jon
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By EvieandIslasmummember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3028, member since Mon Jan 30, 2006
On Sat Nov 22, 2008 04:39 AM
It bugs me!! lol.

I have people saying "I wish I'd of had twins"...hmm lol Or they say "I have 11 months between mine, so it was like having twins" No it's not! They have the same needs at the same time, different ages have different needs! lol.

I know people are trying to help but I will make my own mistakes and learn from them. How else can I be a mother?! It's a learning curve :P

Keeley x x
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By schuhplattlerPremium member Comments: 3037, member since Sat Dec 23, 2006
On Sat Nov 22, 2008 07:08 AM
If someone ever gave parenting advice humbly, it would be far easier to accept, but too often I find that this is the only sound reply:

"I fully realize that you, not I, have the first hand data of what has gone on between my child and me and that I do not.

"But it is our lives, we are the interested parties, so please fill us in, minute by minute, so that wee too may know."
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Sun Nov 23, 2008 01:04 AM
As a first time parent, I LOVE advice. My grandfather in law told me when Digory was born that I NEEDED to leave him alone for at least 2 hours at a time no matter the circumstances to get him used to being independent. Of course I thought that leaving a newborn alone to start being independent was ridiculous, but I DID start letting him have a little more playtime to himself with me nearby. Now, my GIL has told me to 'keep doing whatever I'm doing' because Digory is so alert and outgoing.
I think that anyone giving me advice is only doing it in either my or Digory's best interest, and although I may or may not use it I do appreciate it and give it serious thought before dismissing it (if I do).
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By LittledancerJessmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1892, member since Tue Nov 25, 2008
On Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:53 AM
I'm quite stubborn really and it depends whos giving advice, I will willingly take all advice from most of my friends and family but sometimes when a person who you know themselves isnt doing a top job with parenting and there are many comments you could make but dont and then they try to tell you how to bring up your kids when they have one child just past being a toddler and you have four and two of them are almost teenagers now that winds me up lol
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By missannie Comments: 276, member since Wed Jan 12, 2005
On Mon May 04, 2009 02:25 PM
YES!!! If no one askes, don't comment!
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By annie_omember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 5188, member since Fri Nov 17, 2006
On Mon May 04, 2009 05:05 PM
it drives me NUTS!!

it's a total nightmare situation listening to someone tell you how you should bring your child up especially when they have no experence of there own!
my aunty A gave her children away all 3 straight after they were born to my other aunt B, aunty A still talk's about them growing up as if she actually brought them up herself !! huh she never even sent a birthday card never mind changed a nappy to potty training, yet when i was potty training my son i used to encourage him to leave the house in his big boy pant's and try to use a toilet whilst we were out, he was confident and asked not to have a nappy put back on so we gave it a go!! on this occasion we were visiting aunty A and he went to play in the garden he came in asking for the toilet but never quite made it and wet his pant's....
WELL she was outraged and said i was going to put him off toilet training completly because he was so upset?? i would scar him for life giving him bad experiences like this as his small mind could not cope with the confusion?? i was far from confusing him he chose not to wear a nappy and keep his big boy pant's on, he was upset yes but because he had to come in from the garden to be changed lol not because he had an accident, it's a part of toilet training accident's happen!!
she said he was WAY to young to potty train, he was 16 month's and doing very well in my eye's, and boy's are very lazy and wont potty train untill there atleast 3 lol OMG where did she get it from??
what made her mother of the year??
in the end i had to stop visiting as i just could not keep my thought's to myself!!
i dont mind the advice i just cant cope if they take over the situation when i have it at hand,
my sister undermind's me all the time with my eldest son, she has a soft spot for him and when him and his sister fight he is never in the wrong in her eye's,she take's him to one side and as she comfort's him she tell's him i wont stick to the punishment as im too soft! then whilt's im telling them there in there room's for fighting she tell's him to say im nasty and i always take the girl's side!! she make's me feel really guily and end up thinking i have treat him unfairly lol
i bite my tounge but one day i will snap!

sam x
re: Does it bother you when other people try to tell you how you should parent?
By hmay Comments: 22, member since Wed Jun 10, 2009
On Sun Jun 14, 2009 01:46 PM
most definatly they do not live your life so cannot judge or tell what to do.
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