Relationship advice
By saor_celtic
On 05/12/2008 09:54:02
I've had conversations about my boyfriend with my family, but it's a little difficult, because I know they tend to see things from a different perspective because they are my family. I guess what I'm looking for is some Outside advice and perspective, so I'm turning to you all at DDN :) This is probably going to be long, so I thank anyone who takes the time to actually read and give any input. My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year. I truly do love him and I can see us getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. BUT. and this where I'm having clarity issues, i guess. I have outside activities, i dance once a week and sing in a choir once a week. during the month of june, every weekend i have a dance competition. That is usually the only month that i compete regularly. Otherwise it's a sporadic event. I have choir events once in awhile where we perform at certain places. Usually it's not that often and more towards the end of our season so to speak. I enjoy doing theatre as well. I haven't done it in a few years. but i was looking at doing it again. I know he'd have a problem because it would take away from the time that he and i spend together. I own my house. He owns a house. Lately I've felt like I'm never at my house anymore because I'm always at his. So i feel like my house is in disarray and I can't do the upkeep that I need or want to do. I see him mondays, usually going over to his house. tues/wed are for dance/choir. i see him and usually stay by him thurs, fri, sat and part of sund. He told me the other day that he wants to spend more time with me. I know partly for him, that means staying over. He has asked me to live with him several times. But I'm old fashioned in this and I told him that I wouldn't move in with anyone unless I was engaged. Just something that I firmly believe in. Well, he's also in the process of getting an annulment. which takes about a year to do, so he's not in a position to propose, although we have talked about it. But i'm not sure how to see him more without giving up on 1. my beliefs, 2. giving up what i love to do and have a passion for. Oh and did i mention that he doesn't like coming to my house because of my dog. He feels that it "smells" too much like him and that my dog has ruined my house. Because I've mentioned this many times as what i think is a decent compromise. He isn't involved in any outside interests. Which I've told him several times, that he needs to get involved in something, because it's not healthy to just sit around and wait for me. He admits that he gets lonely very easily. his one good friend lives in the city (he's in the 'burbs) so he never really gets to see him. plus his friend has a baby who's around 10 months old. So he can't go out as much as he used to. but sometimes i feel as though because of his own insecurities and his inability to address them, he's taking them out on me and making me feel guilty for having other interests. Ok, back to the biggest issue - my dog. I have a male yorkie, who isn't the most disciplined animal. I admit that it's my fault, I didn't have the time to properly train him when i got him and Partly because right when I got him, i broke my ankle. I was living by myself in a different state, so my family wasn't around to help. i had about 30 stairs in my apartment to get down to the garage and out the door. so i couldn't always make it downstairs in time before he had to go potty. But he also is a dog that needs a lot of attention and love. So it competes with my boyfriend. My boyfriends doesn't like that in the morning if i'm staying over by him, i get up and leave him to go take him out. At my house, my dog is allowed pretty much anywhere with the exception of a few rooms. Usually i gate him off in a room that i'm in so i can keep an eye on him and at night he is in my bedroom. At his house, we keep him in the kitchen and at night crate him downstairs. So he barks a lot when i'm at his house. He's 2. so he's in that puppy/adult stage. I need to train him. this i know. he goes thru spurts where he's ok one week and regresses the next. My boyfriend claims that when i'm not around the dog is depressed and just sits there. (he works from home fridays so he usually watches him). He doesn't like my dog and has told me that he doesn't want to spend the next 10 years being stressed out by the dog. I've told him that i'd never get rid of him. When i got him, i accepted that commitment to keeping him. I think it's cruel to get rid of him and send him off somewhere. I've tried to ask if my dog stresses you out, how would kids be? and he says that it's completely different. I think the principles for the most part are the same. So aside from my dog issue. He doesn't feel our relationship is balanced enough because weekends are usually when i have stuff planned (like choir and dance). For example: the weekend of June 7th. 1. It's my mom's bday. 2. i have a dance competition out of state. 3. i have a choir performance.aside from my mom's bday. I've had the dance competition planned since around January. The choir performance i am not attending because i won't be back in time. Saturday, he gets a call from his best friend inviting us to their daughter's party. He gets all mad because I can't go with him to the party and tells me I should give up my events to go with and How it's not fair that i have tons of events planned. So i've told him to start planning things. (i don't get much of a response). The other day he made a comment to his dad about how it was good that he didn't spend every minute with his mom. I said see, you just proved my point. His response was but they've been married for 50+ years. grrrrr. He is very generous. He pays for everything. Which i totally appreciate. He feels that because i have the dog and do other things, it's only right that i stay by him. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm the one who is making all the compromises and sacrifices. Am I totally off base? Ok, kudos to those who got thru that. Any thoughts, comments would be appreciated. S_C
re: Relationship advice
By Chaconne
On 05/12/2008 21:27:47
A bit of this sounds like my daughter and her husband. She didn't get married until she was 37, largely because she spent much of her 20s with a fellow, much older (kids older than she) which ended up going nowhere. They broke up, though they are still friends. My daughter is a school teacher and another teacher set her up with her brother who was in the final process of getting a divorce. He was in the final process of getting a divorce after a long separation when they met. After three years of dating, they did get married and at present they have a son age 2 1/2 and another boy is expected next month. He also has an 18 year old daughter by his first wife and he had custody until she turned 18. The daughter no longer lives with them (and is something of a soap opera by herself.) This marriage involved the combining of households as both owned houses. He sold his house after they were engaged, in large part to provide for some private residential schooling for his daughter who had drug and academic problems in her teen years. Both had dogs and still have them, though both dogs are quite elderly now roughly 13-14 years old. My daughter is now 41, her husband 45. They really give each other their space. My daughter has her interests aside from being a Mommy and a teacher. He has his interests as well and they are often quite independent of one another. He does come to all our family affairs and she to his family's. He is a computer professional and he does work some wicked hours and she is happy with that because her teaching duties at home are fairly intensive. So clearly they do not spend every free hour with one another. My daughter is used to this as my wife and I also have many independent interests in which the other does not participate. So far my daughter and her husband have seemed to make this all work, recognizing that their marriage is a bit atypical and recognizing that people who marry somewhat later in life have developed some very independent routines. Two things you describe seem to raise "red flags"...the non-acceptance of the dog "Love me, love my dog"; and, his apparent lack of any independent interests. I'm somewhat "arty" being as I am a very skilled and very in demand concert violinist on an amateur level. My wife knew at the time we married that she would not dare come between me and my violin. Ironically, when we high was the during the two years I gave up the violin only to return to it in late high school and all of college. Now that we are both retired from our careers she knows that this is what I do. She has developed some interests of her own in retirement, things she did not do when she worked because she was both a mother until the kids grew up and a school principal for the 2nd half of her career. This was very all-encompassing career. She has done very well getting interested in crafty things, swimming, workouts at the Curves salon, developing a social circle of her own, church work and of course now doing quite a bit with our young grandsons (Our son also lives rather nearby and has two boys one nearly 5 and the other only six week older than his cousin.) I'm not quite sure if my daughter and her then fiance co-habitated because they were engaged; or, if they got engaged because they were going to co-habitate. The issue of his daughter needing special help was probably the bigger issue there. They lived together for about a year before the wedding. These are the issues that folks do have to sit down and thrash out ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page. There really is no room for surprises. He is not likely to change too much and I suspect that neither will you. If both can accept that, things can probably work out. You sound like you are at the stage where this should become topic A and either resolve it or move on. With my daughter's first affair, it was clear that although her love at the time was a nice fellow and loved her, there was the extreme age difference, and his unwillingness to raise another family and my daughter felt she had to move on. I wish the best for you however this turns out. Jon
re: Relationship advice
By saor_celtic
On 05/14/2008 12:12:25
Thank you both very much for taking the time to read my novel and respond. You have both helped me realize the steps we both need to take if this is going to work out for us. He does have my schedule, in fact, we have a joint online calendar that we update daily. I think going forward it's a matter of us putting a joint activity and following thru with that activity. He is very supportive of my dancing and singing. He's the one usually at my competitions or concerts, my family rarely comes. so i appreciate that more than words can say, so i understand his frustrations, but when he doesn't have a comparable activity that he enjoys that i can support, it's difficult. I think that's something that he needs to fix. Ima - i like the idea of finding a new activity that we both enjoy. I think that would be good for us. Thanks again. S_C
re: Relationship advice
By divamom1
On 05/22/2008 07:30:53
Hi- It sounds like you really are commited to the relationship, and are willing to make sacrifices for the good of the relationship. Your partner is not willing to sacrifice anything. In fact it sounds as if you partner is selfish and manipulative and a control freak. DO NOT give up anything to be with this person!! Give up the things you love so you can spend more time with him? He wants to control your life!! Honey, the warning alarm bells are going off- ABORT!! ABORT!! And yes, the way he treats your pet is a preview of the attitude he would have your children- No, do not move in with him!!
re: Relationship advice
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re: Relationship advice
By Nedion
On 03/30/2021 11:05:14
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re: Relationship advice
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re: Relationship advice
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