Forum: Arts / Poetry

Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Sun Aug 03, 2008 04:26 PM

Life is ruff....
Life is tough and tuff

superhard dowell runs up from
base of spine (I could say something different.. but it's too gross...) to top of head.
gritting teeth... to the point of popping gums...
shattering, the pain.. some days it's higher...
When is sleep...
To so many a given... but to me, a minute possibility?

when the boiling whistling kettle brings not a smile, but
a big grimace, "Jeez! Turn it off, TURN IT OFF!"

Minute by Minute.. thunder rolling in the distance...
Hobbling around the house.. windows, cat in, windows cat in.

The hissing, roaring, sopranino-trapped cicada in my left ear
the endless throb of the bunions...
If I do neck circles, it may just come off...
the conjunctivitis.. as it accumulates on my right eye...
The knife in the back.

And they say I'm supposed to be better.
And they say that I'm supposed to be at my prime.

Sorry, I have NOT opted for the body building route.
And I haven't fought fires.. for quite awhile.

I wish I could have said something like that.
To be able to move as well.
Sorry... I'm stuck with the stick...
Chained to the cane...

NOT looking forward to Hearing tomorrow.
Going to pack heating pad, Flexall gel...

Sick and tired of being painful and tired.
The pain which seems to never stop.

Though I pray.. for a day when I don't need to grit my teeth.
When I don't need to force myself into a Positive mindset.

Humidity is high.. lightning strikes... and I feel it.. everywhere.

These are only words... depicting that image...
Hardly. Barely a thousand.
But, still, the unitard of pain remains.
the mask... undimmed by medication.. and, probably stuck in the goiter.

I'm supposed to lift and carry ten pounds easily.
Yuh, right!

No energy, no life, no feeling... just the pain.
The pain is all that remains.

Trying to be sociable, in spite.

Trying to act friendly, and amiable, in spite.

Stupid youth by the side of the road:

"She's so fat, and has a big butt."

"Yes, and you are SOO superior... I'm sure I look COMPLETELY wonderful after this back surgery that worked.. but the patient is STILL in pain! Ah! I know. 'The Patient is all SCREWED up!"

Si, La Vaca tiene mucha duele!

So much pain... so it's impossible to exercise.. and painful when I try.
So much pain.. and I can't sleep.
So much pain.. and I can't even drive three blocks.
So much pain.. and they don't have mobile heating pads...

No one believes how much it hurts when the T starts and stops.
The laughter when I try to walk.
The embarrassment, the humiliation.
the burning NEED to dance, run, and the tearing, crying knowledge that I CAN'T.

If pain be the price of a commission, I think I've just reached Colonel.

can't we just have the hearing HERE?

Pain, misery... No sleep... Life should be so good.

What would happen if the bigwigs at the worker's comp insurance had back pain such as this?????

More injections, more shots... more meds.

when will it end?

Not soon enough!


Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

S.

11 Replies to Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?

re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:57 PM
Peace. Settlement. Gratitude... Wonder. Awe.
Damn, he's good!

Tongue-tied. Embarrassed because of same.
Sitting there in the room...
Fatigue.. pain... the endless accompaniment of the tinnitus...
Okay.. say something remotely lucid.
Answer: blueoatyeiutptpeiheheaktljthehahthjrhgwoethe.
Huh? Whaaaaaa?
Where?

The shock hasn't worn off yet.
HOW did he do that?????
Realization..
Security??

Investment?
HOW to think with the lump in left temple.
HOW to want to do anything.. when she comes who purrs.
Missy's and my "head dance" -- soothing on this day.

Still.. the feeling of wonderful gratitude..
As...... what?

Evidence is proven.. when I'm down to the "batteries"
And that's all that's left...
My poise will remain intact.

I just wish I was moreso.
Maybe, in time...

THANK YOU.....

S.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:03 AM
spazz the cat.. down the stairs....
Whip into the kitchen... slide on the way in...

Just wait for Slowpoke here! :)
Food, can't come out soon enough.
Man, can't I have TWO spoonfuls of that stuff????
Hmmmm. I think you'd do better with just one...
the sound of Munch.. well, she's enjoying it.

Feeling the joints creak and the ligaments squeak....
Better wait for the next installment of the oil can.
Will there be a time when I WON'T feel as if I have an ultra-tight piece of cord instead of this frontal incision????
I get ready to go up to bed... WHAMMO! She's pelted into the hallway.

No No No No NoNoNonOnO!

Deviant cat, complaints and yowls.. picked up with love...
hissing and growling yet..
Deposit on her sleeping place... she's stalking around.
She makes for the door again... wish my body was as limber as my reflexes....
Brat kitty.... she slunks around.. I know my name is grit.
I can expect her to jump on the bed tomorrow.. right into the tender spot.
Gonna have to watch my ankles.. wild kitty on the loose.
Beware, couch, fingers, and string.
Just as long as she doesn't fall in the tub...... :O

S.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By Kaela
On Thu Nov 13, 2008 05:36 AM
I just have to say this. Words, Cannot express how much I adore your poetry, it's almost a little reminiscient of the erratic yet decisive use of punctuation by Emily Dickinson, or the descriptive and detailed stanzas that can closely be found in any Ian McEwan Novel.

I am blown away.

Kaela x
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By festivaldancer
On Fri Nov 21, 2008 07:42 AM
WOW. fabulous!
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri Nov 28, 2008 08:51 PM
Back door tribute! Wow!

Measures upon measures...

Triplets passed around, who is on "1"?
And I sit.. feeling the iron in my throat.
The high frequency between my ears.
Two violins go to harmonize.. and miss the pitch... well, they got the next one!

Eggs and Anchovies within 24 hours of pie, pie, and more pie.
Too much food for me.
Still, I'm down there, peeling clementines, creating celery sticks.
A cherry tomato gets away from me; Missy hits Ronaldihno mode.
Then demands to go out. Now?!
Then, as I shake my head no, she does four revolutions of "tail chases the head."
If we had a pocket of quiet, I'd play "chase the pen" with her.

Fugue. Trio of "damn, that back stinks"... all repeats.
Fatigue. Back has given up way too soon.
cranial funk, trying not to be a "lump",
Played St. Vitus A la vaccuum cleaner.
Well, got one room completely immaculate... and a portion of a second.
Missy, in my wake, eyes loud and bulging.
Tail curled within body... withdrawn...
"What IS that thing?!"

Rear assault, and she jumps out at me.. tail at "Aha!" position.
Then, she dodges away, all too aware of that loud noise
and plunging vacuum head, as I try to get those crumbs that went down from the pecan pie.

I keep vacuuming, and see a long thing on the rug.
Long, thin, white.
Little tendril.
Little whisker donation, left by the beloved one.
So precise, such a marvelous sensing device.
Add it to the collection of the claw sheathes she's left on the puff.

Later, to fall into bed. Shaws Nyquil caps in C (vitamin C),
and, maybe kitty between knees.
Maybe THIS time I'll be able to sleep without Le Pounce attacking toes.
Purring lullaby soothes congested hackles.

Two hours, and she'll have pushed me right out of the bed.
:]

S.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri Dec 05, 2008 06:36 PM
Just sittin' here.
Jus perusing around, and sitting here.
So, she comes.
Bottom line: I'm here, so you better give me food!
EEEYUH!
Needed the WD-40, Golf-style bend over, to start the pats.
She purs, and, so elegant, hops up in the chair behind me
And starts to push.
Hey, Hun! I NEED to be in this chair, for the back support.
She presses her feet into my back, and starts purring louder.

No, just because you are purring back there does NOT mean that you can get comfortable.
Leading bar of the chair is digging into my butt.
she is SOOO happy, and begins to wash.
I go back with a hand, to stroke her; I still love her, of course.
I feel the gentle clench of her teeth upon my hand.. as she very gently reminds me that she's hungry.
The paw, claws sheathed, all-so-gently moves my hand.

Then, as I let my hand move, I find her chin,
My hand begins to work the fur down there.
And, I hear a large swell come roaring in to crash on the beach,
as she purrs as loudly as she can,
and I feel two paws, claws OUT (yikes!) comes to grasp my hand.
But she just holds my hand in her paws, and rakes her head across it.

Then, she starts to begin biting again. Gently, though.
I get up to do something.... find some paper for the printer.
She is suddenly up on the desk. Next to the computer.
Her purr has become 100% mischief.
Uh oh.
I watch, rolling my eyeballs, as the letter opener,
with the help of a forepaw, gets pushed.
Sliding metal, and it goes closer and closer to the edge.
Her eyes are fully dilated.
"Eeee -- MROWWWWW!" I say.
and begin to pick her up.
"Errrurrurururururuuurururruru!" she complains.
I swing her up to "port arms", and she struggles.
but just a little.
The siren starts up once again.
"Reearrrr !"
"SZAWEEEEEESCHHHH! MRRRR OW!" I bellow
And she is still. I put her on a chair near mine, so I can pat her.
And she is actually calm!
heh. Not for long.
"Hrrrrrr!" with a chirrup, she's back on the desk.
And I reach for her.. a paw comes defiantly towards me.
"Meh!" I say, and stretch out a hand.
She holds the paw in the air, thinking about it.
I am thinking, too.
Now, is it going to be the other letter opener,
and THEN Daddy's magnifying glass?
Or, the calculator, and then the letter opener.
Or, the box full of print checks, and then the two empty printer cartridges.

But, the bottom line is: None of the above.
The door has opened, and my mother has stuck her head in.
Missy jumps down, sending three things flying (which are none of the above).
And dashes out of the room.
I'm going down now. I'll see her curled up outside the room door.


Princessa of Mischief, you know no bounds!

S.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By DancinSweetheartmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Dec 14, 2008 05:23 AM
Your poetry just makes me smile, your cat sounds so amazing :)
Love B
X
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Mon Dec 29, 2008 09:31 PM
^^ Yeah, Missy's pretty cool. She'll come snuggle for just about anything.. and she'll play with anything that moves. :)



spazz brain.
Starting again.
Finding hope and clawing for the motivation.
Dreading pain, and enduring the aggravation.
Will it work this time, will I succeed.
Trying to exercise, angry heat in back and knees.
Endureth, we go forward, step by step.
Feeling the music rock me forward
Stretch and bend.
Whip those arms.. I'm warmed up; it feels so good.
Still dread when I cool down, try not to glue...
But, as I go through them, I feel the triumph
Limbs are loosening, muscles get to it.
Each exercise, I'm climbing up
That tricky ladder, mistake -- and I get stuck.
PLEASE let me do this.. I'm sick of the pain.
Let me be a dancer, who can give and go again.
Let me be a vehicle, where the dance can take over.
Express, feel, emulate the motions overflowing.
Yes, I'm still this big.. but maybe I've made a dent.
I can't give up now... I'll get there yet.
Shadow.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Verve. Feels like a number.
Energy.. feels like a full gas can.
Weight. My back can testify.
Motion. Moon floats by.
Ear. Feels like a river (tinnitus).
Neck. stiff and set.
Eyes. Squint and blur.
Fingers. Typo, oh DUR.
Shoulders. Hunch not, thy guilty folks.
Elbows. just bending, holding the yokes.
Teeth are yellowing just like me.
Try to smile, and simply let be.
--Shadow.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:01 PM
In hiatus.
Life is stagnating.
Should be doing six things.
And each of them require a working back.
"Just go get a job!" she says.
Yeah, with THIS kind of body?
I hate it, I hate it.
Depressed.
Don't want to bathe.
Don't want to dress well.
For whom?
Fighting minute by minute.
We DID get her medical procedure done.
She'll live. She's gorgeous.
Me? I need a black hole for sensurround.
My life is filled with cold, dark cringes.
Every minute of every day.. and I'm struggling.
Either it's the back, or the feet, or the knees.
Or all three.
Still in a holding pattern.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Sometimes I can get a cat on the bed.
sometimes she is just waiting at her food dish.
Sometimes it helps to draw and color and paint.
and then, she says, "Well, you could do much better."
Oh, thanks.
don't want to rush the process of the Mandala Meditation.
Where each color says something in the inward process.
Has she ever done this, where she meditated on what color came next?
No, she's too busy with her own life.
And the expectations for me.
go do this, volunteer for that.
Well, I'm WAITING to volunteer for some pain management.
the agony of the back.
Which never seems to stop.
The agony of each passing minute.
Each passing hour.
Each passing day.
She wants me to go do something.
I just want to cringe away from this awful looking person
I see in the mirror.
but, I HAVE to do something. whatever I CAN do.
It's so hard.
When I want to run, dance, play... and my body quits.
And there is no response from ANY of my treatment people.
I'm ready to cry between a cataract and an enema.
Dammit!
--shadow.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:56 AM
Swirl.. foam.. swish.
drop, wattle.. BAT.

yeah, she's found it.

That adorable, crazy cat!

Poing! And the pen is on the floor.
"mrrrr ?" she asks me?
"hrrrr -- ?"
I reply.

I put that mug of sugar-free cocoa down, and wipe the chocolate- foam mustache from my upper lip.

Okay.

Using the "golf ball lift" I reach over and pick up the pen.

She moves so that she is between me and where I am going to throw the pen.

I bring my arm back... and, while I do, she crouches down, wiggling, to set her rear legs into the carpet.

I watch her eyes get big, and her ears prick forward.

"Meh!" I say, I pitch the pen forward.

Suddenly, she is "Athlete kitty" -- like a combination of basketball and volleyball player, she leaps for that pen, and swats it out of the air.

"RRRR !" :] I say with glee and pride.


She is off.. I hear her feet pounding the floor from the kitchen, down through the butler's pantry, into the dining room.

And on into the living room.
All it takes is one spring.. from floor, to a higher level--

My father, on his couch, is unprepared:
"Whoop!" he exclaims, and newspaper pieces fly like big, diving soaring swans.
They settle down all over him, covering him in carbon ink and baleful newsprint.
Trying to sort things out, he looks around, bushy eyebrows furrowed, in search of the feline culprit.

Well, yeah, she's long gone.
I begin to walk towards the front door, where the thermometer is, to find out the temperature...

And she jumps out from behind a chair at me, paws up the air... she's ready to play even more.

Okay, no more pen. We're going for the ping-pong balls this time!

Okay, Miss! You ready?

The tuxedo-bullet gets ready for launch. Again.

She'll get tired.. maybe in two hours?

Me?

Nah. :P


S.
re: Sure I'll be there! What pain meds can you give me?
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri Mar 20, 2009 08:49 PM
I've been stabbed in the back.. yet again.
I SHOULD be used to this.
I should be just shrugging it off.
But, it hurts very badly.
I'm quite crumpled... I'm quite sad.

I'm trying to help... and in return, she jumps down my throat.
I do what I can.. and I do my best....
I drive myself.. until I HAVE to rest.
And, this is the reward I get.
Don't bother me! don't do that!
And I get verbally hit, and beaten.
and get verbally cut, and get verbally condescended to.
When I'm almost doing her work for her.
When I offer her an out.. and she takes it, and throws it in my face.
Such appreciation.
And then, starts to dress me down, quality by quality.
Picking and pulling apart, and picking, and pulling apart.
It hurts so much.

I've done as much as I can, up to and including...
what with the goddamned back, AND, the tinnitus, AND the foot, AND the Ovarian cyst problem.....

And I get slammed. I don't want this life.

I guess I need to move on.. but how and where?

I'm soo upset.. I'm supposed to be going on this trip with them...
I think I really need to say no, and cut the losses.

I can't deal with her constantly cutting at me.
I can't deal with trying to do well.. and being slapped for it.

I guess I approached her when the timing was just absolutely so wrong...
but, when the need is from THEIR tenant.. who just sits there like a femme fatale.. but has NO problems about taking over.

Who goes off.. and takes one who could be loyal... and I'm left here.... solo.

Um, thanks?

I guess, it's just my moment to be fragile.

The four-legged one sees, and notices.

And I? Am still cut upon, and brutally flattened...


WHERE is the drive, the will, the need to do music to continue?

I hurt. I really hurt.


Thanks, my dear, for all the cutting you've given me..

I feel as if I've had more than my life's worth.. but, it keeps on coming, and coming, and coming....


WHY live longer?

When I'm just a punching bag for them...

No gratitude.. just simply condescension, cutting remarks, sarcasm.


I need to just pull away.. find some space.. and think.

Again, the knot of the rope is bristly.


Thanks so much.

Sorry I'm around.

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