Forum: Arts / Religion

Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By Cosine
On Tue Aug 12, 2008 06:50 AM
Edited by Cosine (195435) on 2008-08-12 06:50:55
Edited by Cosine (195435) on 2008-08-12 06:54:21 Another typing mistake
Moved to Religion by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2008-08-14 21:50:52 moved to more appropriate forum

I'm not exactly what one might call social, though I do have good friends. However, I seldom tell them my very personal problems, so they don't know me too well. However, I met a friend who is so kind, and he's always "there". He's a genius, and he helps others so willingly and quietly that few people notice. At first I admired him, but now I feel something else I can't explain. I think about him all the time, try to look prettiest when around him, and have an irresistible urge to help him in any way I can.
Many girls are dating, and I'm their age (almost fifteen), but I'm not them. I think about ambitions instead of crushes and love because I think love will come for me when I am ready. He is also that type; he does not flirt or date. We have so many similarities--we both believe in working hard and serving this world, thinking of others no matter what they do to us, and doing what our age calls us to do (like studying at fifteen and dating at eighteen). But I am Asian, and he is from Greece and India. And, he is Hindu. Is it possible to start a relationship with him at all?

I hate to be governed by people, but with him I feel different. I actually like to serve him and be docile with him, and he is gentle with me, though not as so with others. I love his religion; I believe it even when I worship God. And, I feel safe around him because he always makes me feel so good. One of my other friends (a flirty party girl) says he had a crush on me (that was before I felt this way about him); she even talked to him, but she says he just blushed. I'm not sure if that's true, but suppose he does? He is very kind, but I noticed that he sometimes seems to read my mind; he knows my unspoken ambitions and cheers me on when others are unaware of what I want. Perhaps he'll soon see this change in me?

Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this new feeling? I want to always be with him, but am afraid that if I say anything our friendship will be lost, and I can't bear to lose such a precious friend.

Thanks in advance.

9 Replies to Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...

re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By jazzy6member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Aug 12, 2008 01:00 PM
Hello :)
Aw that story is so cute!
Right what i would do is chat like you normally do then casually bring up the subject and then let him know how you feel about him and then hope for the best!
From what you say above i think he likes you !
good luck and tell us what happens!
Jazzy6 xxx
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By CheesePlusCakemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Aug 12, 2008 01:02 PM
I am friends with lots of strict Hindus. None would ever date a non-Hindu. I guess it depends on how strict he is.

I'll tell you my experience...I had a major crush on a strict Muslim boy for 2 years. He is not allowed to date non-Muslims. We liked each other for some time, and it just ended in heartache. This year he finally asked me on some dates (that his parents couldn't know about or he'd be in deep trouble...and he doesn't date at all) which were cute and all, but in the end things didn't (and couldn't) work out. Our friendship (we used to be best friends) has basically deteriorated after that (which left me heartbroken in a non-romantic way).

My advice is to be very careful. Make sure you know how he feels about dating out of his religion before you try anything, even if he does have a crush on you. Think about what you want. You're young, so it's not like you have to worry about marrying him.
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By Cosine
On Wed Aug 13, 2008 06:53 AM
CheesePlusCake, that sounds like a tough experience. I hope you feel better and that you can become friends with him again. And, thanks for sharing your experiences.
Maybe it would help if I told this: my friend is half Greek. He is raised in the Western tradition, and probably has a Christian parent. Since he goes to Greece and speaks Greek and loves the country dearly, I assume he tolerates the religion.
Also, I did some research. Hindu peoples believe in one God and many others who work with Him, so they respect other religions. It's a good thing I'm not Muslim because then I might be forbidden to date him because of conflicts in the political world. However, my parents both scorn religion.
I've been recently giving him my old piano books and leaving notes on how to practice. And, I speak to his younger brother (very sweet boy). Is that a good way to get closer to him?

For Jazzy6 and CheesePlusCake, thanks for the replies!
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By lottiekinsmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Aug 13, 2008 09:05 AM
I think you really need to talk things through with him.
Discuss the religion situation and see if you can make work as a relationship rather than just a friendship. You need to find out how important his religion to him.
Good luck with it! Keep us updated :D
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By FCB2010member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:08 PM
Edited by FCB2010 (191926) on 2008-08-13 12:20:27
Its definitely possible to start a relationship!!!! I think you should go for it he seems like he would be a really great guy for you considering that you have the same goals in life.

However I think you should talk it through with him and see just how important his religion is to him, and tell him EXACTLY How you feel about it. Communication is definitely the key here though!!
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Aug 14, 2008 10:13 PM
Being an ex-wedding photographer I saw all sorts of permutations on the "mixed" marriage thing. I don't do that anymore, but I follow the New York Times weddings and there are an amazing number of weddings between people of differing cultures including the ones you mentioned.

My best friend out here is VERY Jewish. For years he said he would only date Jewish girls. A half dozen years ago he and I went out for dinner between Nutcracker performances we played in (we are both violinists) just before Christmas. On a whim I invited his stand partner a very cute Asian girl. During the course of our dinner he asked me what do I as a Christian actually DO on Christmas Day and I told him what my family does. He responded "Well Jews go to the movies and eat Chinese food on Christmas." And the Asian girl chimes in "That's exactly what we Chinese do." So I very flippantly said "So why don't the two of you go to the movies and eat some Chinese food on Christmas."

And that was what actually happened. By New Years, they were an item. They got married last November.

My own mother, as a teenager, was enamored of the fellow who sat next to her in several classes in high school (they both had surnames ending with "Z" and most teachers assigned seats by the alphabet back then.) He was Catholic, she Lutheran. Her father absolutely forbid her to date this fellow. She dated other fellows and ultimately two years after high school dated and married my father who was also Lutheran (sort of.) They had by all indications a happy marriage. When my father died at age 71, some 21 years ago, my mom remained a widow for over five years. She went to her 55th high school class reunion and met this fellow she was not allowed to date, by now a widower, fell in love almost instantly, got engaged three weeks later and married three months after that. That was 15 years ago and they are still married at ages 88 and 89.

Love conquers all. Many Hindus marry Christians, Moslems, Asians of all religions (or none.) People are starting to ignore the silly taboos their religions put upon them. Even some of the sects are beginning to realize that they must live with this or they will lose all their membership. Today, over half of the Jewish weddings now involve marriage to someone who is not Jewish and who doesn't convert.

Jon
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By Cosine
On Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:56 PM
Mr. Jon, that's an amazing story! It's very inspirational, too, and reminds us how important tolerance is.
Thanks to everyone for the helpful replies. I just found out that my friend's father is Christian Greek, even though he is Hindu (probably his mother's religion). Perhaps the problem isn't how to tolerate the religion, but how to let him know that I feel like more than his friend.
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By dreamyangel
On Thu Aug 21, 2008 12:06 PM
I think the thing you need to consider most here are his parents. Are they very religious people? If they are and you are of a different faith, that may be a big problem. I know you two get along well and could have a relationship but at your age, parents are a huge factor. They still get to call the shots.

I dated a guy I had known since high school. I left my senior year due to illness but got better in time for freshman year of college. He ended up at the same school as me and we were so excited to see each other. He didn't have religion and I am very Christian but we got along and fell in love. We dated for 6 months. His parents, however, hated me to no end. They decided I wasn't good enough for him. They even eventually broke us up. The dad was Jewish and they were all from Ukraine. Anyway, my boy didn't care about our differences and even came to church with me to see what it was like. I got him to quit smoking (all things) and drinking. He really turned his life around for me.

His parents wanted me gone so badly they started introducing other girls to him they met through other Ukrainians they knew. They said go have sex with all these girls just leave dreamy (me). As I said, I have health problems that effect my day to day life and they would, in front of me, call me a cripple and a burden. He would tell them off and say how they didn't matter but that just made them hate me more. So, they took away his car, made him pay for all schooling and anything else he needed and said they would kick him out if he didn't break up with me. I wasn't worth all the trouble to him so he ended it but I learned quite a lesson from it.

All I can say is be careful. Take it slowly and see where it goes. Get to know his parents and let them know you are no threat to him. When you take a friendship to a relationship, things change. That is pretty enevitable. Just be slow about it. From what you say, you both seem mature and level headed which is all good ^_^ Religion is tricky so just be mindful of that.
re: Maybe in love with my best friend with a different religion--advice really appreciated...
By JwshIrshdancer
On Sat Sep 20, 2008 02:44 AM
A lot of this depends on the two of you. If you both really want it, but families will make it difficult, know that it won't be easy.

I'm very much a person of openness. I'm a Jew by choice, and always thought I would only date Jews. Then I met my BF who at one time was very active in the Native American church. Lucky for us, religion hasn't really gotten in the way of us. I celebrate my holidays with a Jewish family I met Irish dancing and they've pretty much adopted me, which is great considering both sides of my family are Catholic. Coming from that background though, tradition (think, Fiddler on the Roof), is super important to me. Although I don't think I'll ever have a Christmas tree in my own house, it is still very important to me that I go home every year for Christmas, and put my ornaments on the tree. It's a part of tradition. Just like my Grandma, who had given us all stockings when we were born. Last year she gave us all our stocking because the family is getting too big for her to handle all of the gifts. I in turn gave my BF's mother my stocking because it's important to me, that someone carries on that tradition for me, regardless of my religious background now. Last year was our first Christmas together and she got me a little something for St. Nick's day, but didn't get me a stocking as to not offend me, so it was a nice way for me to still get use out of mine.

This year I'm pregnant with our first child. He's all about lineage and blood line because of his Indian background and said raising the child Jewishly is important to him because I'm the mother, in Judaism, the line follows me. I'm glad for this, but at the same time, I majored in American Indian studies and want our child to learn about his other people as well. It is very important to me.

That long story being said, you are fairly young, but these are important issues to think about for the rest of life, those you may date along the way. Intermarriages can work, but they take work. A lot depends on the individuals, and sometimes their families. It may not be easy, but you love who you love. I don't think it's fair to always stay within your box. Sometimes love happens outside of our boxes (religiously, racially, whatever the case may be).

Know that it may be difficult, but it can be done. If you want, it go for it and good luck!

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