Forum: Arts / Poetry

Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Wed Nov 26, 2008 11:02 PM

He asked me if I could still dance.

silly question, I mean.. but...

Well, OF COURSE...

But, there's still the.. and now my sinusitis...

Dammit, I don't want any more excuses!

Pick up that fiddle, make sure it's in tune, I'll plunk an A, and we can kick up our heels. Well, in moderation.

The cranberry relish. The stuffed dates. The blue boat veggie tray.. Holy Nuts! The placecards!

can I still dance?

Can I still go out without that lung-scorching air from without?

So dumb. Being in the ER with that hydrated oxygen (which isn't really an oxymoron -- though I fee like an oxymoron.

blessed are the rhinosinusitis. Because without him, we realize that our smellers can't smell.

Well, I certainly smelled those onions this morning.

Meat grinder steadily munches up cranberries and orange sections... happily making it's crunch and squish sounds. Many a memory. I've done this job so many times... put the brain on automatic... and...

Mum stuck with the bird. And she's a vegetarian. That bird. Almost bigger than Missy.

Whole bunches of things to do.Maybe even having some quiet time for me. Heh!

With the Nok Hockey going?



13 Replies to Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Mon Dec 29, 2008 10:30 PM
I sat here.. and you walked right past.
I sat here.. a lump on a chair.. benign.
I sat here.. and I thought I had stagnated.
I sat here... and the world's minute hand kept ticking
I sat here... and the clouds shifted overhead.
I sat here... Watching the sun move the shadows.
I sat here... just waiting.
I sat here... my rear end becoming one with the chair.
I sat here, and you still weren't there.
I sat here... and the light blinked.
I sat here... my fingers twiddling, waiting for inspiration.
I sat here... feeling emptiness.
I sat here.. thinking of spring birds and crocuses.
I sat here... the pull start rope of the snowblower, waiting.
I sat here... disgusted.
I sat here... And felt my spinal cord push back onto the nerve root.
I sat here... damn, I've been sitting here for a long time.
I sat here... the two modem icons shifting back and forth.
I sat here... overwhelmed with my inadequacy.
I sat here.. wondering what I should try to prove.
I sat here, wondering if I should prove ANYthing.
I sat here, the grit from supper coating my teeth.
I sat here.. while contra dance music wafted over the speakers.
I sat here... my thoughts trailing about like a kite in the wind.
I sat here... and the kite swooped... train of thought derailed.
I sat here.. gazing at the end of the carrot left behind.
I sat here.. and he mentioned I'd left the door open.
I sat here.. And there was no cat to snuggle in the back of the chair.
I sat here.. the white nail polish being an offensive finger in my vision.
I sat here.. and thought of tomorrow.
I sat here... rubbing my thumbs.
I sat here.. and thought of all the computer work needing to be done.
I sat here.. and thought of snow driving, and rocking cars.
I sat here.. and thought of escaping to Florida.
I sat here.. and entertained the notion of asking to deplane every 45 minutes to rest my back.
I sat here.. and giggled with mirth about that. Yeah, RIGHT.
I sat here... and realized it wasn't just getting late -- it was getting REALLY late.
I sat here.. and remembered that I hadn't remade my bed.
I sat here.. and decided, "Go to bed, dammit!"
I sat here.. thinking of unmentionables.
I sat here.. listening to the tinnitus, and thinking.
I sat here.. the fan on the computer whirring patiently.
I sat here... and suddenly realized that life moves on, and so should I...
I sat here... And watched Time.
-- shadow.
re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Wed Dec 31, 2008 09:27 PM
The wind roars.
I feel cold chills creeping in between those green shades.
Snow sparkles secretly without.
Yeah, here we go again.
New Year's Eve... and another door has closed for me.
And the back has reared its' ugly habits.
I actually had a chaperone when I went in to speak with her.
Did she not trust me?
Yes, I said I was ready to smash something.
But someTHING, not someONE.
A little difference there, people.
And, once again... the waiting game.
The game to find out how to fill the vacuum.
The game to find out how to spend the hours.
My spirits have once again gone into the basement.
Old, sore back over here.. as the chair gets tighter and tighter.
I can't stand it.
Holding on with dear life.
What do I do now?
Which person do I contact first?
Trying to prove to myself that this is NOT worth the Rune of Ending.
Trying to prove to myself that there is another door that will open.
Trying to prove to myself that I still have advocates.
Trying to prove to myself that I will be lucid and say the right things in the days to come.
Trying to not panic.
Trying to not do something drastic.
Thinking about the workout that I had two days ago.
And, well, it DID hurt royally. Now.
Trying to not self-injure or punish.
Trying to stay calm.
Trying to stay grounded, and lot let my imagination run away with me.
Trying to look forward and be optomistic about tomorrow.
Trying to feel my way ahead.
It's the holidays.. so I have to wait.
Until what? January?
I've been in this holding pattern for long enough.
Stagnation and dormant weight gain = downside for spirits.
Shadow -- HEAL thyself.
Hold on tight.
Think of positive things.
Feeling the tremblies starting up again.
Think of the possible jobs -- With THIS back?!
What else will the back wreck.. what else will I lose?
Too depressed to cry, to cleanse, to empty.
The Loudmouthed idiot who broke confidentiality did NOT help.
Is that how things are?
Wanting to isolate already.
Wanting to pull that insulation up over my head.
did I ask for the upset stomach; the tummy virus?
Did I ask for the resultant periods in the bathroom?
I don't think so!
To trust a company that exploits a small corner in the window.
When they go out and spend thousands upon thousands for advertising.
Fickle hypocrites, they.
When I struggle, to try to heal, to try to move forward.
What a great thing.. to see a bottom line.
To send a letter, "well, I guess in the end, we finally did things together, I think I'm healed."
Whom am I kidding?
Will they EVER hold up their end?
Will they EVER come through with what they promised?
Is the signature of a Judge so unimportant?
The implosion. The wreck.
The screaming wind, which stirs the change.
I'm scared.
I feel so alone.
I can't give up.
I need to figure out how to say the things.
I need to figure out how to do the steps.
HOW do you say this?
In 35 minutes people will be raising glasses of bubbly.
In 35 minutes I feel as if I'll have another year of struggle to begin.
Don't dwell. Don't exaggerate, don't embellish.
don't go into victim, self-entitled mode. That's cheating.
Lawyer or Exec Asst. Or Doctor's office.
Which one first.
Her Monday will be crazy. His probably, as well.
Holding on with my fingertips. the ends of my nails.
Clenching my fists.
Help me to decide. I have to make the choices.
I want a life. I want to dance.
I wish I could have these things..
WHY did it hurt so much, when, during it, the workout felt so good?
Oh, for a working back, and a working body.
One day at a time?
We hope.

:( :C

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST! (karma: 1)
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Wed Dec 31, 2008 09:34 PM
Funny cat.
feline brat.
Sitting there.
Looking expectant on that chair.
yeah.. you'll get some food.
But, we just fed you, I thought that was understood!
Narrowed eyes, and you're looking at me.
Oh, come ON! It's not as if we fed you years ago.
Quizzical ear.
I raise a hand to pat.
and the head draws back.
And a paw comes up.
Whiskers retract.
She looks at her tail, pondering.
Maybe a few rounds of Tail Chaser.
Yeah, the tail tip is flicking.
This one knows Just how to do "cute."
The head turns playfully.
Kid -- the way to your heart...
is,unfortunately, sometimes through your food dish.
And no, my fingers are NOT an appetizer!

Come, and Munch, dear Miss!


re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Thu Jan 01, 2009 12:34 PM
Coming soon, they'll troop in, with their instruments.
And music will fill the house..
musical snowflakes.. swirling and blowing.
Brahms will be done justice.
and I sit here.
the prelude before the first movement.
feeling utterly depressed.
I'm sore, and fat, and not feeling good.
I feel the weight of the new year.
I hope THIS TIME I'll make progress forward.
Geez! It's been five years.
Since I got this damn injury.. and it's STILL ruining my life!
I feel as if I want to hide myself.
I feel as if I want to run away.
And I need to put on the party face.
And I need to be pleasant, and cordial, and "how happy to see you."
The greeter and sub-hostess.
Easier said than done.
Watching Mum do everything: cooking, cleaning, shoveling.
While the Diva is up in his room, depressed.
And she's doing HIS share of the driveway.
His car an eyesore in full view of the window.
I wish I could have done that bit of shoveling.
And just PUT UP with the back being that bad.
Well, Maine day after tomorrow.
And more company, more eating, more socializing.
I'm heavy enough!
Get officially obese, get put on a diet, lose 65 pounds
Get injured, get depressed, and the weight comes right back on again.
This is COMPLETELY uncool!
I'll be able to work on the salad while they play.
I'm ready to do a full-scale mandala meditation right now.
Gimme the colored pencils.
I have to dress. Put on social clothes.
And I don't want to.
I hate how I look.
And, I'm ready to kill myself doing exercises again.
And the back will whiplash, just how it's always done.
It's not fair.
And that damn worker's comp outfit, getting fat on all the proceeds.
It must be SOO wonderful.. to be a company without a conscious.
CAN I contact the Better Business Bureau?
I NEED to make a point to call the Pain Center tomorrow.
I wonder if they will even be there.
I want to cry.. and I have this feeling of guilt.
That this is my own fault.
Oh, Nuts! NOT that "victim" crap again!

And they're here. The bell is ringing.
I need to adjust and move.
I need to paste the "Receptionist" smile on my face.
I need to be good company. Good people.
Damn, how much easier said than done!
Forward motion. Feel both of the Brahms..
Witness the music.
Still, suddenly I feel as if I'm stagnating instead of progressing.
The alcohol is right there.. but it's one HELL of an escape.
Nah, it's too easy. It's too simple... and it's one of a goddamn escape that can blow up out of proportion.
No, I want to DRINK AND ENJOY my alcohol, NOT to escape into it.
Needing to cry. Needing to dump.
Needing to do my part.
Needing to feel less engorged, less large, less grotesque.
DON'T leave Mum to do it all.
Go and do my thing, and help out. That salad is waiting.
I'll do it as only I can do salads.
And I'll leave the dressings off... they can choose what they want.
But it's so hard.. when you feel so ugly.. and want to isolate.
When you want to grab a cat, and curl up in a bed.
Just not think or feel.. just... let time go.

I need to be down there.
And I don't want to go. Even when I know them all.
Even when I know they'll understand.
Even when I know they'll care and listen.
I HATE feeling like this.
I HATE feeling like each step I try to do, some exercise, some shoveling, some ANYthing, I get pushed back. I have to pay a penalty.
I HATE life right now. I just have to dig my heels in.
To get purchase on that fickle mountain that I have to climb up.
Sisyphus, push over.. I'll join you on that boulder.
We'll talk and laugh together.. and think of our ilk.
Man, DON'T let this next year be like the previous one.
Please, let me have some progress forward.
Even up to and including surgery. Again.
And, please let it be right this time.
I can't stand this.
I so goddamned gross.
I hate this injury, this pain, this life.
-- Shadow.
re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By smileywomanmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 01, 2009 04:54 PM
Chronic pain sucks! Mine is no where near as bad as yours my lovely friend. I wish I could use smiley magic and take it away for you. Your poem seems to be an excellent vent for all your feelings. I hoped writing it all down as cathartic for you.

I'm wishing you the best 'give Shadow less pain in 2009' New Year that I can muster!

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Thu Jan 01, 2009 07:07 PM



Thanks so much.

It just is SOO frustrating.. and it DOES feel as if the pain will never end.
So, I just have to take things, one day at a time...
But, when the future seems so bleak.
Yeah, safety net -- take things one day at a time.

And thanks, KK. You're right, pain IS quite wearing.
No fun, and no joy. And no action.

Brahms was a life saver. I just sat down.. and enjoyed and appreciated the music.
Didn't do anything; had printed out a mandala to work on...
Didn't even do that.. just let the music do its' thing.
And Brahms, between opuses 18 and 36, did the job handsomely.
so, we hope for better times ahead.
Gonna try calling the Pain center at my local hospital tomorrow, see if they've received anything.
If not, I'm calling the orthopaedic Surgeon's Exec Assist, and then my worker's comp lawyer.
I've waited LONG ENOUGH!!

Thanks so much for what you've written!

{{Maria}} {{KandyKane}}

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Wed Jan 07, 2009 09:44 PM
Moving right along. Just don't let me slip down this icy sidewalk.
C# ain't so much fun.. because I will B-flat.
Crooning kitty.. endless affection.
She raises up on hind legs.
Kicked out of the group therapy outfit. Again.
Kicked in the lower part of the back.
How many great things will I lose?
How many more bills will I need to pay?
And, WHY is it taking so damn long for the paperwork to go through?

Walking around.. upper thighs loosey-goosy..
Calves and knees so tight, it causes hip-lash.
Sending out emails.. yelling into the void.
"Hey! Yo! Over here!"
"Hey! We got STUFF to do! There are things pending!"
Still nothing. Somewhere, a piece of icicle falls...
Stalactite.. onto the slippery, icy, hard surface below.
Sounds like a breach of communications.
And here I am, back to...
Back to...
back to... this sore, post failed back surgery syndrome.
With endless pain.
Where the good orthopaedic surgeon's office REFUSES more pain killers -- "we haven't seen you since June!"
Which is a catch-22.. Sure, I'll trek down there..
On a T, where I'll be in ultra pain;
and the cars like to wham themselves around corners.
where the T slows/stops/starts without warning.
where the cane is NOT a good shock absorber.
And even if I drive.. well, all the red lights..
where I have to push down on my right side.
Aggravating the right hip, which
aggravates the right knee which
aggravates the lower part of the back on the right side.
So, I'm stoking fire, instead of smoothly braking a vehicle.
The prime reason why I wanted to change hospitals
was so the treatment I could receive I could have
WITHOUT having to endure the agony of all the commute time.
Until the back is better.
But, idiots that they are.. I'm caught in this holding pattern.
With pain that never ends.
With pain that is SOO exhausting and depressing.
And, I seem to be blocked. In whatever I try to do.
When utter stillness and no heartbeat seem to be better.
When I have to struggle to think about the next day.
When I have these pipe dreams about fleeing, flying.
And knowing that within an hour and a half on the aircraft
I'll be in extreme pain... and will barely be able to sit.
Three months.. she said.
Three months more.. when I had to wait, and wait, and wait...
And they wouldn't pay for the surgery.
And they wouldn't pay for the physical therapy...
Which I SHOULD have had a LOT sooner.
And, now I'm even waiting on that lawyer.
What next?
Why should I still wait?
And Madame Case Manager is out of the office more than she's IN it.
I hope she's happy.
I just wish I could either have a tremendous dose of body-wide Novacaine,
HOlding on with my fists, and crying again.
Somebody PLEASE do something for the pain!
-- Shadow.
re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri Jan 16, 2009 11:26 PM
Is it possible?
Could/can it be real?
Can I believe it?
Pinch myself.... and I'm actually scared to.
But, the initial Pain Management appointment.
Paperwork is all done.
And I sit here.
With all this weight around me.
Half excited, half petrified.
Feeling the flesh on the burning icy-heat of
my pedicle screws in the back.
And the feeling of icy, piercing cold.
DON'T wanna take percocet tonight.
DON'T wanna take extra pain killer.
DON'T want to have to stay up as long as the last few days.
Once I get to sleep.
But, I'm sooo excited, soo ready...
And TWO WEEKS to wait.
Two weeks until.
Can they think of something?
Will t/he/y know what to do?
Sick and tired of depression.
Sick and tired of not full-bore cardio.
Feeling my spirits dip and rise, dip and rise;
can't continue this much longer.
It's been too damn long already.
soon, as the sun rises...
soon, as that fickle second hand moves.
Maybe some relief.
Want to get my hopes up,
but DON'T want to get my hopes up.
It's been SIX years...
Six years of argh.
Six years of "Crap! There it goes AGAIN!"
six years of not wanting to see the next day.
Oh, come on, please?
Let this be real.
Let this be an improvement, finally?
I THINK I can handle additional surgery....
If that's what it takes.
Oh, please, LET the improvement FINALLY happen?!
Before something else does.

I'm ready; I've waited.. so long.
I want to LIVE again!
re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri Mar 13, 2009 09:04 PM
You know you're home.
In spite of the pain, in spite of the pressure.
You know you're accepted.. the drink is on the dresser.
No, it ain't alky, it's more tame...
And she promptly jumps up to re-start her game.
Claws a-flashin' and tail wagging...
She loves you just the same.

You KNOW you aren't supposed to lift anything,
but she is a known commodity, and to leave her groundbound... no way.
Resting can continue for another day.
She purrs, and crouches.. her eyes are sparkling, la Mischiefa.
Not knowing her motives.. you sort of let her get away with it.

and she comes, purring, meowing, into the computer room ...
Door gets pushed wide open.. and stays there...
And, while you type, she explores, investigates, ponders.
The linen closet, the gift wrap closet, the sewing materials closet.. and then,
At long last.. she is where she wants to be.
As she clambered up.. and lowered herself gently down..
behind my seatbones,
In the back of the chair. and begin to relax..
Stretching, purring, and, proceeding to push you out... so that she can get her evening din-din earlier.

Beloved love is one who can handle stomach cramps.. and a cat pushing them out of a chair.
And, post op D&C... Love is all that.. and more.

Hey, Miss.. ♥ ♥

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:13 PM
The Music was there.. always. (c) Shadow Luna craziness

I staggered into the dawn.. my knees aching, from crawling..
after all, how ELSE are you going to get around at 8 months...
I heard the radio.. classical... and Dad playing music.
I walked to school... feeling the warm breeze on my face.
Feeling the flowers around me, the soft aromas drifting by.
He came, and began to be where he shouldn't... to him it was a game...
Crisis, stimuli explosion, inability to cope...
The deep, dark, frozen cold of absolute zero.. not being able to feel.
Trying to move on... reaching out for ownership... and not getting it...
Thaw... and the suffering of she who was trapped inside.. the tears flow over... utter despair.. but healing.
The path within. Jagged stalactites and stalagmites... having to wend my way around them.. torn and livid pools of grief and violation...
The love, the trial of the physical love.. will I let ... the struggle.. the fear
The nightmares.. waking up drenched in sweat, waking up, breathing hard... like a chest burster is in there....
Trying to turn my back on the pain. Trying to wall up the agony.
Screaming, hollering, yelling. they want it; I'm not about ready to let them have it.. it's MINE... I've finally reclaimed it...
The vacuum of no-man's land.. I'm trying to find peace.. resolution... and it's slow to come.
Progress forward.. and she stops screaming.. but still, there is pain, suffering.. betrayal.
Now, walking forward.. sometimes pushing, and struggling to make the hurdle. The angry voices have quieted... the fierce crying has ceased.. only rarely.. the flashback to the hurt, the pain.
And the music is there.

That music.. has kept me going.. The rich strains.. so uplifting.. so soothing.. sometimes so angry.... sometimes feeling like a cushion,
sometimes feeling like the vehicle to a means for an answer.
The melodic line that presents the emotion...
When my heart was slashed... when it was bleeding

The music has helped me to live on.

Because without the music.... I would be bereft.

re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:34 PM
Sitting here, waiting.
steel and flint...
Ponders over wandering raindrop footsteps.
A stumble.. and a spike is heard.
Change of scenery... once was warm.. is cold, is warm.
This, and a flash... nature's strobe going off.

There, and the rumble of the tympani...
While the giants roll their pianos..
so that they can partake.. in the wild music creation.

Changes.. which need millions of candlepower..
for a split second... driving jagged spikes through the sky.

Sitting here in wait... listening.. the raindrops play a drumroll
Thinking about the open windows in the car
Thinking about those who came late...
And who are traveling.. who forgot.. their umbrella
sitting dormant in the stand, by the door.
Hair.. becomes a saturated swamp... the drops turn into cataracts
Nature-born tears down the face.. rivelets...
And.. the hush... followed by that jagged spike
and hiss... the big flash... nature's wild camera
As the nimbi play "bump and dodge" though out the night.
As those of us try to sleep, those of us try to study
While nature is having too much damn fun
doing bumper cars in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately, I don't think the cops will respond to this "noise" report.

Pity. :P :) :]


re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri May 22, 2009 09:28 PM
Thus and such.
Cat on the chair.
Oil in the hair.
Feeling the vertebrae grind as I walk.
Feeling the pain, which doesn't seem to stop.
Up and down, up and down...
I'm in my bed, I'm pacing around.
Narcotics not the way...
But pain persists all day.
Crying inside.
Love from a yin-yang kitty.
Work myself ultra-painful...
Result: a snide mum.
Don't need the put down,
don't need her ultra-control,
backdoor manipulation, passive aggressiveness.
Because the hurt is there....
Still, the hook is evident:
Do what *I* want you to do...
Screw what your intentions are; mine are more important.
We'll look at this, and this, and we'll do THIS.
me: Well, what about THAT?
Her: I hadn't thought of that, I want to go here, and here;
we're not going to do that.

I think I'm going to chill in the house, Nance.
I think I'm going to try more physical therapy,
which is much easier for me to do at home...
Then to ride in a car for a long amount of time.
When it's hard to move.
And, then, I have to endure the manipulation.

While I summon up the guts to promenade about on that
outrigger of a cane.
Such is the stuff.
While I grit my teeth, and use pendulum motion
to put one foot in front of the other.
while I watch my yin-yang cat, full of love and fun,
Trot into the garden, and flop down, in the loose soil
and dirt, oh! Pat me! Pat me!
Silly Girl!
And then, watch her chase a chipmunk..
Gravity cannot hold her to the Earth.
She is unbound, springing so gracefully around,
I feel like an old, doddering galumphant.
Yes, Mum, dear, sorry that I ... embarrassed you.
But, when it hurts to shrug, maybe that makes sense
about how I feel, as I am WELL AWARE of my condition.
And, once again, you get to "put me in my place"
when another is present.
Are you ultra happy?
Thanks a stinkin' LOT!
I guess you had your reasons.
I'm sorry; I'm only human.

(c) Shadow 5.22.09
re: Oh yeah! Let's have a FEAST!
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member
On Fri May 22, 2009 09:43 PM
link from older poetry thread.. so I don't COMPLETELY lose it: . . .

But, maybe I've lost it already?

another one.. huh?

Trala la BOOM deyay!

Me falla down.. "And go boom!" the veteran Marine said.
right knee el bleeding lo wetly.
Embedded dirt in the knee.
Dumb, stupid catastrophe.
Not a contusion, but an ABRASION, thank you very much.
STupid knee, numb and painful to the touch.
To see, yet NOT to see.. those barricades,
Which merrily got me.
Those others, quickly turning their heads --
Don't get involved! It's NOT our place!
To watch this plump bitch fall on her face.
(Well, I only slid about three inches.)

And then, with the security guard, wheeling me down
to the ER... me with red face, and redder knee.
And, the three-hour wait... was infection setting in?
Just sitting there, watching others get treated.
Yeah, they gave me one of those little slips.
thanks, Me slips just fine!
Yeah, but for some cash in food/gift shop/parking,
and all this time, I've been waiting,
was I too "barking mad" (to quote Rowling) to wait
Should I have gone home, treated the thing instead?
No, because I had done it on hospital property,
Still, to wait three hours.. when I could have been
zinged in, and then, zinged out.
Come ON, people,
the wait is NOT what hospital care should be all about.
And then, even when I got inside, I waited longer.
x-rays, and what else, I probably SHOULD have bothered.
The pedicle cage, I hope survived.
I THINK everything's okay,
Oh, pain, PLEASE abide!
Please don't take too long to heal!

(c) Shadowluna cat


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