What do you say to your insecure students who are always playing compare and contrast with others?

I've had a rash of this lately with little ones who are insecure with themselves, constantly fault finding with others. Whether it's "She's not sitting with a straight back" or "I'm the tallest one in the class" or "She didn't do that right", it seems like I have more than the average amount of "comparers" lately.

I know how I usually respond and it's generally caustic, but these are little people and I'm looking for your "rainbow and butterfly" responses to kids who are outwardly fixating on others.

Hmm, Suzie, how about if I be the teacher today? You just need to worry about yourself, not your friends - that's why I'm here!

^^^^ I used that yesterday with one group. Hopefully it will work. I will try it across the board. What generally happens is they stop for the class, but as soon as they are back the next week, they start in again.

Sometimes they compare things that are not skill based, so "let me be the teacher" doesn't apply. "Look... my leotard is prettier than hers...it has a sparkly skirt." Yesterday it was..."I'm the TALLEST in the class" with a boasting undertone.

I have that going on and also have a few of the "woe is me" kids. "You never pick me first"..."I'm always last"...

It's like you can see which kids already are destined to succumb to victim consciousness at the ripe age of 6. Bizarre.

I don't know, maybe I'm callous but I have the "Woe is me" kids too and when I get the "You never pick me first" etc. drama. I'll say "okay dancers, Susie is having a "poor me" moment, then we all put our hands on our heart and go "OHHHHHH, poor mee!!!!! " then I immediately give her a quick hug. This (usually!) causes everyone including little Susie to burst into giggles. I also respond the way Sumayah does with the "just worry about yourself" advice. I'm not sure where the victim mentality comes from but it may be that this age group is starting kindergarten or first grade and being exposed for the first time to the occasionally ruthless comments of their peers and this is their way of reassuring themselves. And that's my inexperienced "Sidewalk Psychology" for the day!

Truth be told, I believe that some souls are just born with that perspective and then it's exacerbated by their life experience, whether in their home or in school. It's clear that they will grow up with that perspective firmly in place.

I usually do respond like you do because I am wickedly sarcastic and have little tolerance for "please validate me 500 million times in class."

I'm with you! I must hear "Did I do good?" after every chasse, skip, or whatever combination every class. Sheesh!!!

Exactly!

Ok, think about when you are born. You cry, someone feeds you, you cry, someone holds you, you cry, someone changes you. Life is ALL ABOUT you and as far as you are concerned, you are the center of the universe and everyone else are your servants, always at your beck and call.

Then one day and strange and unhappily awesome thing happens. Someone says, "NO".

"What?!!! I am the center of the Universe, how can that be?!"

Point made... we are born selfish and all about "ME" and the big people around us must teach us that we cannot be that way (at least smart ones).

So, now you, me, and all the other adults of the world, who KNOW that we must teach this lesson, must start over with each new group of children, to teach them that life is not all about "ME".

End of story.... LOL

JLL wrote:

"What?!!! I am the center of the Universe, how can that be?!"

Point made... we are born selfish and all about "ME" and the big people around us must teach us that we cannot be that way (at least smart ones).

Hysterically accurate!!!!!

The other scenario is when little people are denied proper nurturing as a baby and their needs are not met and they spend the rest of their being in the "what about me????" moment.

The big people around you should teach you your place in the world, except sometimes you have the mom's that are still "what about me???" and the kids end up copying that silliness.

I am stunned at how some kids spend the majority of the class fixated on "when is it my turn" or "look at me...I'm SO much better than everyone else"....even down to the silly sparkly skirt.

You can see that they view their world through this alternate set of glasses that sees everything as either "with me" or "against me". They can't even take dance class in a pure way. It's based on "me against the world."

They pout. They complain. They boast.

It is ridiculously annoying.

You have to wonder how they will grow up...actually you don't. They just end up adults with underdeveloped minds. "Look at me...I have a SHINY car!!!"

And there's my "armchair psychology" to add to terpsidance's "sidewalk psychology"

Oh, yes!! Kids will mimic their parents, usually the same sex one the most, and sometimes you can just tell what kid belongs to whom just by their behavior!!

I have had kids as young as 3 tell me that they are fat. I spoke to the parents and they said, "We never say that to her," but then I will hear the same parent say that to another adult. Kids hear that and mimic!!

Its the parent who put that child in the overly sparkly skirt and told her she looks prettier than everyone else because of it...

I have two stories exactly like that.

One little girl that is 4, would get up from sitting and make this "ughhhhh!" sound everytime she got off the floor. I couldn't figure out why she sounded like she was a 70-year old woman. Then on observation day, her mom came in giNORmously pregnant. Then the mom heard her make that sound and said that she makes the same sound getting off the floor because she's pregnant.

Then, I had this 4 year old child who was never engaged properly in class. After a couple of sessions, I took her to mom and said I don't think she is happy in class. Then the mother asked if she was having a good time and the child responded "this class is stressing me out." The mother turned to me and said "Did you say that in class?" I said "No...do YOU use that phrase?" and she said "Well, yes..but..."

Amazing.

dancingdiva83 wrote:

Its the parent who put that child in the overly sparkly skirt and told her she looks prettier than everyone else because of it...

Hello!!! Exactly!!!

terpsidance wrote:

We are good aren't we i_ am_ me

Yes. And I don't even need a sparkly skirt to know that. hahahaha!

I simply say quit being a tattle tell. If I think they are doing something wrong I will fix them not you. or when you own your own studio you can say what you wish but until then we will do it my way. If they complain, I usually call the whaaambulance... or say I don't like it when you say that so please stop. That usually works the best. If they are bragging, I am glad you are proud of yourself but it is an opinion of who is better than someone else and you do not get to make it about yourself.

Monkey see, monkey do.

Over the years I've had several..."picky farts" and the kids act just like their parents(a few come to mind) and they are the spitting image of their moms....down to the hand on the hip, attitude, eye rolling etc.

I took it as my personal mission with one kid(who turned into an obnoxious teen) to put her in her place - I also had to do it w/ parent.....sad - how many parents screw with the kids mind.

They are mind Jedi’s but in the wrong way.

CoachT wrote:

They are mind Jedi’s but in the wrong way.

When you play Jedi mind tricks with your baby, you end up with a Darth Vader.

I agree, parents don't understand that they teach their kids to fear and to feel different things. Mom brings her daughter's recital dance dress and daughter into the office and complains that it's too small and that it looks awful on the girl. It's a short babydoll dress and the girl has longer legs. But way to go mom for making your 4 year old feel huge and doubtlessly giving her a complex (I can see how this will manifest itself later in life - 'Suzie those pants are too little for you, you need bigger ones' when she needs longer ones). Or the parents who tells their preschooler 'don't be afraid onstage.' Great. They weren't going to be afraid but now that you've said that they will. Thanks.

Personally for the I'm taller or my dress is more beautiful or look at me look at me Ms. Sumayah watch me I include everyone instead of being specific. My mind goes to that quote from Fight Club in these matters, "You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." I'm the tallest. I love all my dancers, tall and short. My dance dress is the most sparkly. I love everyone's dance clothes. Watch me! I'm watching everyone dance. After a while of giving them the same answer and not singling them out, they stop asking.

My issue is when it causes hurt feeling for others. I'm the tallest! No you're not (says they shorter dancer). Yes I am too. No you're not! *bursts into tears* Suzie, stop crying. Jane, your bragging hurt Suzie's feelings and you need to apologize to her now. *eyes downcast*sorry* Suzie, everyone is different and it's okay not to be the same as everyone else but it's not okay to argue with a friend in my class, do you understand me? Say yes Ma'am. *mumbles*yes ma'am* Jane, it's not okay to brag in my class and hurt your friends feeling, do you understand me? Say yes Ma'am. *mumbles*yes ma'am* Good then if I hear any more bragging or arguing you will sit in time out, do you understand me? *chorus of*yes ma'am*

Ugh. Or it's that child who has their bestest friend ever in class and refuses to sit by other students or hold anyone else's hand in circle time and I have to stop my class to explain that we're all friends and it's okay not to sit by Suzie, she can sit by other friends besides you and it's okay. Makes me want to punch parents in the face for encouraging this behavior. If you wanted to expose you child to new people and friends then for all that is good and sane don't put her cousin in the class too, let her develop as her own person and not as a separated Siamese twin. Just because she likes purple doesn't mean you have to like purple too. Argh!

I've taught a few classes in the 10-13 group, and I think there are two kinds of dancers in this category:

1.) the dancers who think that if they say "She's way better than me. Woe is me" they will automatically receive compliments and are "fishing for compliments" from other people.
2.) the dancers who are not very confident and insecure because of their personal life and/or a perfectionist who doesn't see how talented they are.

Sumayah wrote:

I agree, parents don't understand that they teach their kids to fear and to feel different things.

You know, babies sense their mothers fear. If the mom is terrified of their shadow, the baby picks up on it. This happens in vitro as well. The chemistry/adrenaline that is coursing through the mom is ALSO coursing through the baby.

I knew a woman who could not properly dress her newborn, because she was afraid she'd hurt him. I was like "what ARE you DOING? PUT his arms through the t-shirt hole!" And she said "I'm scared I'll hurt him." HELLO... Your baby senses ALLLLL of that!!!! If you're scared what chance does this kid have at bravery???? If you happen to have a hypersensitive baby, your baby is just feeling fear 24/7....ummmm that's PROBABLY gonna make them FEARFUL!!!

Sumayah wrote:

But way to go mom for making your 4 year old feel huge and doubtlessly giving her a complex.

Or the parents who tells their preschooler 'don't be afraid onstage.' Great. They weren't going to be afraid but now that you've said that they will. Thanks.

HAHA! Precisely. My favorite is the over reaction when the child falls. Unless I see/hear bone on floor, I have the "ehhhh...they bounce...it's all good" attitude. My little ones just look at me when they fall. I check in visually.."yes, I saw you...yes, you will live." We exchange smiles and they are off and running again.

Sumayah wrote:

let her develop as her own person and not as a separated Siamese twin. Just because she likes purple doesn't mean you have to like purple too. Argh!

Can I get an independent thinker in the house? THANK YOU!

Speaking of not overreacting with kids, my granddaughter does this (she will be two next month)... she falls down, looks at us and says, "I okay!" and that is because we all say, if we can see she is okay, "You are okay."

I see kids fall just like her and the parents run over, "OMG! Are you okay! Let me see!!" and the kids start screaming because something must be wrong because look how upset mommy is!

I talked to a grandparent of one of my students today who is a psychotherapist and asked her what she thought.

I started another thread with her response...

www.dance.net . . .

LOL JLL!! I do this all the time with my 2 year old. He falls, he looks up at me with the lip wobbling, and I go 'It's all goood!' He laughs it off and says 'all good mommy'. I also see those parents that shriek in horror if their child falls, so its no wonder kid starts crying.

I also use that in class with my dancers. Unless I hear bones cracking, I'm guessing they'll be good. A quick check, a big smile and they are good to go.