Hi, This is my first post, so please let me know if I did anything wrong.

My daughter is 17, she is my only child and she has only been dancing for 5, going into 6 years, 4 of wich she has been compleating, all four she's had solos that have ranged from ballet to modern, to jazz, to open, and tap that have all gotten high golds to platinum.

She has expressed an intrest into going away to a summer intensive, though now that deadline has passed, she's pulling for a winter one, I really can't pull myself to let her go. She has a dream of being a professional dancer, and I want that dream for her because she has found her passion and has such a natural talent. However, I cannot pull myself to let her go.

I've watched my daughter excell so much in 5 years, and she does this by pushing herself. I've seen her many times between her breaks in class, wrap an ankle and tell me she'll be fine, then limp off into class, hobble out of the studio, compeat after an "ankle breaker," fold herself in half, dance for 14 hours straight, come home shower, pop some pain killers and go to bed, this kid is CRAZY! I'm scared of what she'll end up doing to herself if I send her away for three weeks...

Should I let her go and persue her dream, or should I set her out when she's graduated to do it then?


Thanks,
Darlene

Yes, Yes, Yes...let her go. About the ankle...Well it's a risk, but the lesson I learned in management school (where we were dealing with political things in the world that involved REAL risk) was that you manage risk. If she is OK at the time of the intensive, you let her go, you equip her for emergencies, but you cannot avoid all risk. Crossing a street, driving a car, even going down stairs involve risk and most of us have learned to manage these risks. Sometimes things go wrong. I managed risks very well on a personal level for about 60 years and then I tripped carrying a bag of leaves for pickup and tore a rotator cuff which required surgery to fix. Do I avoid raking leaves even now that the shoulder is fixed seven years later...of course not. I perhaps manage the risk better than I did then.
So too with your daughter. She will be doing things soon outside of your total control on both a legal and a practical basis. It is best she learn how to handle being away now, how to cope with a class, how to cope with small emergencies on her own.

I was once asked, when my kids were a bit younger than you daughter about what a fellow worker should do about her daughter, who was then 15. The daughter wanted to do some activity with her friends in the big city. The mom asked me in some desperation "would I let my daughter do this sort of thing?"

My response was that I had let my daughter go to Spain and Africa when she was 15 (which was true), of course with a chaperoned school group.

Jon

Darlene,
I wish I had your problem. If I knew for certain that my daughter loved her dance as much as it seems your daughter does...I would be very happy.

Jon (Chaconne) has an interesting story about his love for music, when he was young, that continues to this day. Being great at something isn't as important as loving what you do. Being great at something you love to do, is icing on the cake.

You should consider yourself blessed. My daughter is exceptional at dance (she dances over 10 dance forms at advanced level and could be considered a pro., at one of them...and she's only 15)....but it seems like she could live without dance, in a heartbeat. The thing is, if I stopped supporting her....I have to do it without saying a word. If I ask her....she will say...no dad, I don't (and won't) stop dancing. I get the feeling that if I just faded away from her dancing...she will stop dancing.
This would be difficult for me, because she is such a wonderful dancer. Also, I have near $100k invested in her training already. (...a very complicated situation).
Believe me when I say...your daughter seems to be dancing for the right reasons.

For me, I am prepared for my daughter to stop dancing. I just need to hear it from her..."Dad, I don't want to dance anymore".

hya, I can sympathise with you. I have three boys and one girl (the youngest), she is 17, ruined and spoilt rotten. I have learnt to just go with the flow and try and support her with anything she chooses to do. She has given me a few heartaches along the way and to be honest at times, I hate her (but still love her). Let her go, I know it is hard but you have to let them make their own choices. We as mothers are in a no win situation, dammed if we do (and things go wrong), dammed if we don't (for not letting them). I hope I have been of some help. good luck.

Hi Darlene...your post looks just fine...

Children grow up so quickly sometimes it's hard to let go. But think this through for a minute.

Would you rather she stay home for fear she might get hurt? Or fail? Would you want her to have a life of regret..."What If?" or, "If only?"

When is the right time to trust her to use all the lessons you taught her? When she's 35? When it's too late to find out if she can do it?

Of course not.

Make sure she knows that this experience is a privilege with certain responsibilities attached. Review the rules about safety, nutrition,proper rest, kindness to others, making choices. If she doesn't have a cell phone give her a phone card. If she has a cell phone, make sure she packs her charger... And all the necessary paperwork "just in case"...emergency numbers, health insurance cards, tissues, a "smack and go" ice pack, and an ace bandage. If she has all these things, chances are she won't need them. Establish a set time to check in every night and if she doesn't call you, call her. But only ONCE!!

Just as you taught her to feed and dress herself and use the toilet when she was a tot, managing these times away from home and family are lessons of self reliance needed to succeed in adult life.

And please, don't be nervous yourself. The professional adults running these intensives have been dealing with young adults and teenagers for years. Dancers, especially, tend to be younger and younger. The professionals can be trusted to do right by your child.

Hang in there. I'm sure she will do fine.

xoxo

If she is this motivated at 17 to work this hard and pursue her dream... than you should let her go!


Most teens her age are getting into trouble and have little goals for the future.

Consider yourself fortunate that she wants to go somewhere to better her future career.

I think you should let her go. She's old enought to take a responsibility for her life. She will come to you when she need it.

Let her go! One advantage she will gain is peer modelling -- what do the other dancers do if they want to push through or take a rest, etc? Also, she will be exposed to other teachers and other dancers and see where she "fits" in the wider dance world.

What style of dance is the intensive? Have you checked it out, to make sure that it has appropriate flooring/studios (to reduce injury risk), access to medical care if needed and/or a PT on staff?

My daughter started going away to summer intensives at age 12...it was scary to watch her go then, but now, at 16, I am so pleased with the mature person she has grown into, who knows what she wants, and how hard she has to work to get it. Also, she's learned that she has to work safely -- her body is her "tool" -- and it does her no good if it breaks.

If she's looking at a professional dance career, she's got to go -- part as an assessment as to if she really wants to do this for a living (intensives are all about dance...dance...dance) and to be "seen" by a wider dance world. Is she thinking of a dance major in college, of more advanced training, or of just heading out there to audition? Commercial work or classical ballet? LOTS to think about...and the intensive will give her people to sound out.

Good luck to you as you make the decision that's right for you and your family.

I agree with what pointemomma has written. You really should let her go. She will learn a lot about herself in the process. I know that as parents we can't help but worry, but at her age she really needs to test her wings, especially if she is considering a dance major ir professional dance career.