Wanted to read some opinions and thoughts on what others feel are some of the most common reasons of divorce our present day. Do you believe the statistics are accurate? Do you believe that even though there were less divorces recorded decades ago, have the reasons remained the same?

**Those of you who are married, what do you believe has been your "strategy" to a successful and fullfilling marriage? What motto do you live by? : )

If I have left off some other major factors please let me know.

Thank you,

DbG

I put finance. One thing that a lot of people don't realize when they get married is that they've been raised differently when it comes to finances. So when one person thinks it's totally fine to spend $5 on a bag of chips, the other might that that's a ridiculous price to pay for something unnecessary. If they can adapt and compromise, it becomes easier, but a lot of people don't do that.

What makes my marriage work? A lot of understanding on both sides. We realize that we're both human- we both make mistakes, and we both have basic human needs (love, affection, assurance, etc etc). As long as we keep that in mind, we've gotten through a lot of tough times.

Money is without a doubt the biggest thing. My husband and I have struggled our whole marriage with money and I know how hard it is to not play the blame game. Nyssasistic nailed it though. Just the difference in what and how much something is worth can be so frustrating.

As far as strategy? There are 2 big things for me. First, compromise of course. Second I always ask myself, is this really something to get worked up over? If so to what extent? I've found in the long run there are very few things that are worth fighting over.

According to my ex, it was very simple: I was ruining her life and she had to escape for her own sanity. No discussions about it, no real communication, just that I was the root cause of all the problems.

That was 12 years ago. Tonight I took my youngest daughter (13 years old) to the theatre to see Harry Potter, after which we went out for milkshakes. Dropped her off at her house where, like every other time, my ex ignored me.

If I have left off some other major factors please let me know

My point: the causes of a divorce are seldom as simple as one person and one problem. I tried to discover the real causes of the divorce, my ex wasn’t interested in that. But she was interested in pointing the finger of blame. And here we are, over a decade later and she’s still pointing that finger, while I’m having fun with the kids.

Divorce can be as painful and drawn out as you want to make it. Or you could get on with your life.

FeisDadAndre wrote:



My point: the causes of a divorce are seldom as simple as one person and one problem.

Divorce can be as painful and drawn out as you want to make it. Or you could get on with your life.

Thank you FeisDadAndre for your perspective and insight to this post. I do agree with you. We do not live in a Black or White world, even though are solutions tend to contextualize it that way.

DbG

Communication or rather the lack of it.
Everything else can be weathered as long as communication remains open.

Helen

I'm going to base my answer on the most recent divorce I have witnessed - my finance's parents. They were married for 26 years, raised two sons both had careers and were both open communicators and apparently very happily intimate literally right up to the day before they split (that was future father in law pouring his heart out to anyone who would listen!)

Now for some background info - they married when she was 17 and he was 22 - neither particulaly educated. Had fiance 2 years later and his brother 3 after that. I think during this time he did a boilermaker apprenticeship and then a few years later, she went to university and became a teacher.

Fast forward to the boys growing up and leaving home - he pretty much does the same thing, he's more or less a manager now but he still works in the same industry and is happy where he is in life (no frills kind of man). She on the other hand moved on from teaching to working in the education department head office and began concentrating on advancing her career. Now, I'd never really say they had lost the ability to communicate or that they argued more or anything, but I think they just grew far apart in terms of she wanting to advance her career and he just being happy where his was. I think they began to lack common interests etc.

It was about this time the she met another man at her work and they have everything in common - love the finer things in life, travel, wine, health foods, fitness etc. She ultimately decided one day (while away at a seminar) that that was it, she wasn't coming back to her husband, but moving in with the man from work. They're happily together two years later.

He (fiance's father) met another woman also a few months later and he's just recently proposed to her - they seem to be just perfect for each other also, same sense of humour, never a quiet moment between them and they're just happy where they are kind of people. Two years on, it's so hard to believe that fiance's parents were actually married to each other.

I think their divorce might have had a little to do with marrying so young - they eventually just grew apart - perhaps she was always more aspiring than he was and perhaps they always had different interests but their children and the stage of live they were at kept them together - I really don't know. I guess it was a little unusual and definitely a shock for all involved. They still had such a good relationship with each other, but someone better just came along for her.

My parents are just coming out of a 'bitter' divorce. To be honest, I knew it was going to happen long before they told me. They were just too different...it was like living with two different lifestyles for parents. There was not enough room for them to be themselves and be together. Dad likes the outdoors, he likes knowing lots of people and going to new places constantly. Mom likes staying indoors and is too introverted to like lots of people. She likes patterns and stability, and predictability. The romance when they first started was how different they were to each other, but in reality--the lives they ultimately wanted weren't with each other. It just took them a while to realize it, then deal with it. I know it's not like that for all couples, but it seemed a logical reason for them to divorce to me. Albeit their timing sucked, but they had good reasons.

I think most people just don't think about life-commitment when they get married. They're short sighted, which is exacerbated by the fact that divorce is more and more socially accepted. And I think divorce should be socially accepted, but those who pick right at the beginning and have long and happy lives should be praised as well.

I learned something reading some of the responses here. I've never been married and from this viewpoint it appeared to me like domestic violence and infedelity would be the two main reasons I would instigate a divorce, but money is absolutely a key issue and I overlooked it. Good example - my stepdad is very very silly with money, he insists on buying new cars when you can buy a car with one previous owner for thousands less that works just the same, and him and my mum are in so much financial difficulty for it. I don't know how i'd handle that situation myself.

After reading this I was quite intriqued and shocked to be honest!.
I am getting married in a couple of weeks so class me as lol. The only thing that would make me divorce my hubby would be infidelity.

My reasons why???.....
I could never TRUST him again..ever..

no matter how much effort I would put in...I would still be imagining my hubby and the 'other person involved' doing something that should only be shared between a couple..whether married or not.

In my opinion, all of the other reasons can be worked out if the trust and love is still in the relationship is still there. Of course im not ruling out 'drifing apart' but that kind of thing should happen BEFORE the exchange of rings..right??.

Finances can be tight, and are tight for most of the world at the moment, it doesnt neccessarily mean the big D. sometimes having a family (hubby and/or children) can help through the hard times. I know my man has and always will.

Also has other people noticed that the media is accepting infidelity and the forgiveness of it?...flims like sex and the city, the women??.

I dont know if that is a good thing or bad thing to be honest..society accepting cheating hubby's...would it be so accepting if the roles were reversed??

I know I have gone on and stated more than my views but I have a real interest in relationships.

olderdancer,

Preach it sister!

DbG

haha!. sorry if it sounded religious (im not religous!) or imposing but those are my views on the big D.
Am I the only one that has noticed things like that??.

This is a very interesting thread. While I agree with olderdancer that infidelity would be my one deal breaker as well. I don't think most people are like that. I said Other and for me that was about the 2 Cs. Communication and Commitment. I think Finances are listed as one of the most common reasons for divorce, but my feeling is those relationships had much deeper reasons for failing. Financial conflict is just a symptom. The truth is staying happily married is a challenge sometimes and it takes work - hard work. Sometimes both parties are not up for the work and that is about commitment. Now communication takes constant effort. Knowing when to let something go and when to make an issue of it is not easy. But good communication is vital. I speak from experience my husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have had our moments. We have both struggled with communication and paid the price, but what will keep us together beyond our love for eachother - which quite frankly is not enough - is the fact that we are both willing to do the work on our relationship. Good luck olderdancer. Being married has been the most fulfilling and challenging experience of my life.

I know we aren't allowed to discussion religion on here, but can I say that religion can be a cause of divorse?
If one parent is a christian and the other is a atheist...how would they raise their kids? Do they send them to church? Mass? Sunday school? Do they pray in the house?

This could cause A LOT of friction when trying to raise a kid.

I heard a saying once that said "The marraige is over when 2 people fall out of love at the same time." I think love like everything in life is cyclic and sometimes you feel it more than others, the idea is that one of you needs to be willing and invested enough to fight for both of you during that period. I htink so many people marry for the wrong reasons to begin with and are simply doomed from the start. You can only pretend so long befor eyour world crashes down. I am on my 2nd marraige and it's much healthier and happier than my first.

J1ll,

I believe your post is very true. I think that provides a sense of understanding and compassion that hopefully, if any of us go through a stage in the marriage such as that (and many do), our spouse would be committed and devoted enough to us and that love to be the strength to get us back on our feet and to renew that love we once had. If not, then like all things...it will be a life lesson and everything happens for a reason in time.

DbG

In my case, the reasons are all of the above, with some abuse thrown in there. I wish you had listed abuse (mental, physical or otherwise) as I feel that is a very strong reason. I can't speak for others, every relationship and every split is different.

The only reason I hvae been able to tough it out til the kids are grown is because we do not live together and haven't lived together for over a dozen years.

kk~

My husband and I have had tough finances and don't always agree about everything in raising the kids. We fight and argue. But we love each other and that keeps us together. We may argue and need to go cool off and think. But we always end up discussing things and working them out in some way.

Love is work. Love grows deeper with time as you learn more about each other and experience life together. But it is not easy.

I voted other.

Having been married for twenty years this year I've watched a lot of friends who where married at the same sort of time I was fall in and out of love, marry, divorce and remarry. Most of them have unrealistic expectations of what their married life will be, some people even think it will solve some of their problems and when it doesn't they quickly become disillusioned and then the blame game starts.

It's not a happy ever after, it's not easy, as Chepyl says it's hard work and a lot of people just don't want put in the graft.

One of the things my mother told me before I got married was, never go to sleep on an argument, it only festers and will become bitter resentment in the end. She and my father have been married for forty three years now they've been through all of your listed reasons for divorce and they sorted all of them out because they both wanted to. They where married when mum was 18 and dad was 21, they're not paragons of virtue, they're regular people who after having had their screaming matches at each other, and they do have plenty, just decided that they really wanted to be together in the end.

My parents divorced due to my dad being a serial adulterer. My mother tried everything to keep our family together, but it was destroying her and she eventually trew her out.

Fair play to her I say!

I get married in a couple of months, and the things which would result in divorce for me is if he ever hit me, abused me in any way, or cheated. I like to think that everything else can be weathered, but perhaps thats just me being naive. Who knows...only time will tell.

Wake up one day and realize that you settled with a nice guy who is non-supportive and not committed to working on keeping the working relationship alive. Actions speak louder than words. Don't do anything to make your wife feel loved or appreciated. Make her the primary bread winner AND be responsible for 90% of the childcare. Criticize her desire to improve herself (i.e. go to school and earn her degree).

I stayed with my first husband for years because of I believed that's what you do, especially when you have kids. However, when you do everything to try and make it work and they make excuses and refuse to do anything to make it work?

Oh, let's not forget fundamental differences on having kids, or religion after 12 years together can definitely make you realize that you made a BIG mistake.