I was showing a pointe class how to break in shoes the other day and got a letter today that a mom thinks that I broke one of her daughter's pointe shoes.

I am always very careful and do not think that I broke the shank but she is mad as He--. So, I will buy her a new pair, no matter what. More so because the daughter is so upset.

I am so used to, after all these years, of showing the kids how to do it and never, ever broke a shoe.

I am very upset because I hate having people upset, especially the kids.

Just venting. No solution needed, just needed to vent to my dance.net pals. I will be fine once it is all settled but right now I am bummed out and moping. It did not help that I did not sleep well last night, for no particular reason, so had about three hours of sleep.

So, I am making chocolate chip cookies right now (sugar free/whole wheat). Chocolate usually cheers me up... it's my drug.

It has happened to me too!
But when the Mom showed me the pointe, is wasn't broken at all! The innersole was only partly separated from the rest of the shoe. And the reason for that was that the glue was sooo strong, I couldn't break the shoe at all, and the girl wasn't able to stand on it properly. After my breaking in, the inner sole partly separated, but the girl could stand perfectly on pointe! Just because the soles could glide now, make the curve. She was very happy, but Mom thought it was ruined.

I explained Mom about the strong glue, I let her daughter show how she was on pointe, the girl said she was very happy with the way the pointe was now, I showed Mom one of my own pointes with separated soles, and she finally accepted it.

Make sure you see the shoe before you do anything else!

Yes, I agree with above post. The term "broken in" might be a bit scary for parents/kids.

Yummy....sugar free/ whole wheat chocolate chip cookies!!!

I explained that but since it is not my studio, I do not want issues for the bosses, so I will just buy them. I can order them for her, I have her size and style, for less cost, as I still have accounts with suppliers, but for future, I will no longer do it. If it were my school, fine.

This is not a pre pro ballet program, either. They are recreational. The mom says it is because her feet are too strong and I should have left them but her feet are not strong, they are flexible and I think she does not realize the difference.

This mom is not a pain, she is very nice, and so is the kid. She works very hard in class and is so eager to learn.

She had GM's but as much as I like them (for me, lol), I have a trained foot. These were Grishkos (I do not teach her class, normally, another teacher does) and she told her no GMs she needs to build up her foot. Of course you do not break in GMs the same way, it is done with heat on the shank and they last.

I explained that most pointe shoes have an average life of 12 hours, of course that depends on the student, how well they have been fitted. I lasted longer in mine because I had strong feet and they were not quite as flexible, and could dance on pointe in dead shoes, which is how I liked them.

I just hope that I did not lose her trust as I have so much to teach her that I do not want to lose that.

Thanks.

Janet - you are the first one to help us separate the big issues from the smaller ones and give it proper perspective.

I know you are upset b/c the parent is upset...but it's a SHOE. And you have provided a reasonable and generous solution. You did not break the child's FOOT.

Eat some cookies and get some sleep. I promise it won't seem so relevant with a nap and some chocolate.

Amen i_am_me! We just need to give Janet a little dose of her own medicine--which I thank you for greatly, Janet--have some sleep and chocolate, and it will be better. A little explanation goes a long way, and I am sure you will know exactly how to handle it...with a backup plan of buying new shoes!

I agree with the others! It stinks-whether you broke the shoe or didn't but they think you did, it stinks to feel this way but name one job where no one EVER makes mistakes! They happen, and you're doing the right thing by the girl and she learned a lesson about pointe shoes! Hope you feel better soon! And I know you didn't sleep because you were replaying the whole night over and over, but shut off your mind for a few!

Don't feel bummed...this to shall pass and like I Am Me said, you didn't break her foot...a little perspective needed. Could the pointe shoes have been defective? That is another possibility. If you have been breaking shoes in for years with no problems, I wouldn't quit doing it. It is an important and necessary thing for beginning pointe students to learn.

I also indulge in a chocolate fix when required.

Thanks... your words, the cookies and time have helped me feel a little better. I know tomorrow I will feel even better. I just take things to heart too easily, even if to some I appear like it does not bother me. Maybe it's the Libra in me, lol.

It is just nice to have people who understand to vent to and get words of encouragement. None of us like disappointing a student but I did write a note of apology to her and will take it from here.

Hugs, and thanks again.

A parent has no clue what a broken pointe shoe looks like. I really don't think you should just roll over and be submissive so easily, especially since she didn't even have the guts to come talk to you about it; she had to write it in a letter! I would approach her at the next class and bring it up, and ask her why she thinks the shoe is ruined. Maybe have a pair of yours handy that actually are broken to demonstrate the difference. Remember that you are the one with the experience here. The parents need to trust that you know what you're doing, and by immediately caving on this, you're not proving your expertise. If you can, bring another teacher or the owner of the studio to look at the shoe for the mom, to alleviate the "fender bender" mentality (ie: trying to play down the extent of damage to avoid consequences). At any rate, you definitely need to communicate the situation with the studio owner so she doesn't get the gossip version later from the moms.

Arak, the owners let the teachers handle these things, which is good. I am bringing in the other teacher, who normally teaches the Pointe class, to look at the shoe but I will still replace the shoes. I already made that promise and will not go back on it. I will take possession of the other shoes, once the new ones are in... but I will not order the new ones until the other teacher takes a look and makes her opinion. Since I have not seen the shoe yet, I cannot say. If we both decide it is okay, I will tell the mother to let the child stick with the shoes and if, it does turn out to be an issue, will replace them. Sometimes keeping the peace, for normally wonderful mother and child, is well worth it. Maybe if she was a pain, I would say otherwise.

Not intending to hijack this thread, but I've been meaning to ask: What do you think about Pointe shoes with 3/4 shanks? One of my younger students got a new pair recently, and chose these Bloch style after trying on every other shoe in the shop. She wears size 6.5 street shoe, and liked this pair the best. I've been watching her going on pointe, for problems, but none so far. She has no foot issues. They arch nicely, and I didn't have to break them in at all. I am worried that they won't last as long, and her mother said they cost almost $70.

This is her fourth pair of pointes (each pair was a different Bloch style), and she insists they feel great. It leaves me thinking that maybe I should suggest this for others, too?

Just wanted to add that I feel that this situation will work out just fine. You have agreed to replace the shoe, so the student will have an appropriate one no matter what. Plus, you said that that is a decent student/parent... they are going to trust the judgment of both you and the usual teacher. It seems to me that the greater issue is your worry of losing that trust. Any decent person is going to be understanding of the fact that we all make mistakes (assuming that you even did) and if this is the only thing you've done wrong with this student... I'd say you're doing mighty good!

My best advice in what works for one doesn't always work for another. Just because she is able to wear a 3/4 shank comfortably doesn't mean others will! It is possible she just had a very good fitter who found the appropriate shoe for her foot.

I think that the 3/4 shanks are good. I am one that believes the shoe should not over support the foot that the foot should be strong enough on it's own.

I remember having the beginning of Pointe class, now and then, where we did a barre in soft shoes, to work on foot strength. We had to be able to pull up to Pointe without the aid of the shoes.

Well, have tried to talk to the mom. She is still VERY angry, way over the top angry, so I am wondering if there is more here than meets the eye.

I mean, if his happened to me, in reverse, I would be happy that the problem is resolved, apologies have been given, etc. I want her to calm down as this is not good for the child, either.

I will not come back at her, in any form, but want to have word to say to calm her down. Any input is appreciated. I just want her to get past this and move on. Stuff happens but live moves on and this should, too.

It does sound rather suspicious that she would still be so angry even though you solved the problem. Do you think she is angry at the school for other things and the pointe shoe situation put her over the top?

I do not know if this is normal for her, to hold onto anger, if there are other underlying issues, or what. Not sure. I just do not like to see people upset, would like to calm her and move on.

I will give it a go and see. If not, I will talk to the bosses and see what they think. I would like to leave them out of it right now, as it was my issue, not theirs. They know of it but put it in my hands, which I feel was good, but if it does not fix, I do not want it causing issues for them or causing them to lose two, good students.

JLL wrote:

Well, have tried to talk to the mom. She is still VERY angry, way over the top angry, so I am wondering if there is more here than meets the eye.

Hmm... it is strange that a normally decent mom has continued to be angry. Do you think there could be financial problems? Pointe shoes aren't cheap and she might have initially been upset that she had to pay for a new pair. And now she's upset that you have offered to pay (as it feels like an insult to her financial situation, even if you aren't aware of it.)

Normally, I would say that it's time to pass this on to the SOs, but if you have permission to deal, I would deflect to your own personal experience. Do you think it would be wrong to say to mom "I am sorry that this has upset you, but I would like to find a solution so that daughter may peacefully continue with the class. What is it that is still upsetting you?"

I did not just offer to pay, she told the owners, that she wanted me to replace them, so me saying that I would, should not be an insult. I just wonder if this is how she deals with things. I know that she tends to stress easy, but she has never been a pain.

I guess, because I am not that way, a person to hold onto anger and grudges. I cannot do that. I like peace and that may be the problem, I do not understand holding onto anger and she just me that type of person. Hers sounds like it is from frustration, too, and I am sure that she struggles a bit with money.

She has come to me before with many questions about her daughters, that she trusted me, so now maybe, in her eyes, I broke this trust.

hmmm... that is very strange that a normally trouble-free parent would react so badly - esp since you have already offered to replace the shoes...

maybe go to her and say 'I see you're very upset over this and I feel awful that you are unhappy. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better? I love having you and your daughter at the studio so if there is anything wrong (shoes or otherwise) I want us to fix it?'

and if that doesn't work eat another cookie and let it go. You are a wonderful teacher and person so don't let a shoe and an overreacting parent spoil any more of your time.

hugs for you!

Thanks, been eating cookies, more than usual. LOL

I do not know why she is handling it so, I only know her from the school and how she has been, but do not know her more than a little over a year.

I will do my best, and I did plan on doing as you say, ask her what I can do to make it better, let her know that she and her daughter (she has two, both great kids) are important and I do care about them.

From there, it is in her hands. Hopefully time will help. I do not want it to cause trouble for my wonderful bosses, either.

Hugs to all... why I love this site. I wish we all leaved near each other. We would make a fabulous group of friends.

Hugs to you, I hope that the mum calms down and is able to put things in perspective and I'm sure that the shoe in question is fine.

JLL wrote:

I just wonder if this is how she deals with things. I know that she tends to stress easy, but she has never been a pain.

Have you ever considered that she may indeed be a problematic person, and that your teaching temperament may just be very well suited for her, so that up until now you've never seen her "other" self rear it's ugly head?

I have a few moms like that. Very stressy people, but we have found a balance and they don't stress with me. BUT that's not to say that if a situation arose that triggered them, they wouldn't go into over-the-top-stress-mode.

Personally, I would not keep apologizing or trying to appease her emotionally. I would just be matter of fact. Say "I'll have her new shoes by X date. Sorry that they broke. It happens occasionally but I'm so glad we are able to take care of that for you." and move on...because really...at the end of the day, it's a pair of SHOES!

ANNNND Miss Janet, it's not as if you are some inexperienced non-credentialed ballet instructor being negligent.

You actually happen to know exactly what you're doing!

Thanks. That really does make me feel better.