Oi, I have a lot of parenting questions these days!

One of my son's oldest friends moved away out of state six months ago. His family life is sketchy and he is what I consider to be an 'at risk' kid. I don't trust him based on some things he has done in the past and I don't approve of some of the things he currently does, how he acts, etc. However, I have known him a long time (7+ years) and have concern and affection for him and want to see him get his life straightened out. He's just turned 18yo btw.

He has asked to come and visit and spend a week with us over Thanksgiving. Tells you a lot about his family right there that he wants to be away from them on the holiday. He doesn't really have anywhere else to go and I feel bad about that. I know for a fact that no other families of his other friends would accept him into their home (they have the same concerns about him). But I think it might do him good to be around a stable family and be loved on and encouraged.

BUT I don't want him around my kid! He will try to influence my son, he has tried in the past. My son is a good kid and I don't think that he would necessarily do any bad stuff, but just BEING around this guy is risky in that he would do 'bad stuff' around my kid (let's just leave it at 'bad stuff' for now, don't want to go into too much detail, you can probably fill in your own guesses and you would likely be correct).

I'm going to bring it up with hubby tonight who will likely say no outright. But I wanted to ask you parents what you thought.

Seeing as though he is 18, and is now technically an adult, has anyone tried talking to him about his behavior? Not to say it would do any good, but it couldn't hurt either. Maybe it would help if he heard it from someone who cares about him(i.e you!) to know that you worry about the path he is taking and the influence that he has on others. He may or may not realize that the decisions he makes and his actions affect those around him. Perhaps a kind talking to about it might ease up your mind about having him stay. Let him know you care about him, but that you don't approve of his behavior. If he wants to be able to come and stay with you, he has to straighten up.

Knowing what I know about these types of people(I've had plenty in my life) it probably wouldn't do much good, but sometimes it takes someone that cares enough about them to realize the direction they are going, regardless of how much trouble they have gotten in in the past.

Sorry if I wasn't much help, but hopefully you'll find an answer.

Is he a good kid at heart who just has strayed due to unstable family life? These kids often do straighten out, especially when they find their own comfort and stability.

I would say have him over but make clear it is a family weekend full of family activities and chores. Lots of supervision, very little alone time, lots of good food, games, laughter, helping out.

turn the wireless internet off.

If you do have him, make it clear to him that he is going to work the whole time from the moment he gets up in the morning, cleaning meat, helping with the lifting when you shop, helping with you cooking, cleaning the house, helping clean up after family goes home. Exhaust him. Also there'll be less chances for him to get your boy in trouble if you only have him for two days and that's it.

My son has a friend JUST like that. He came over for a week last New Years/Christmas. When he comes over I tell him straight up "my house, my rules, no monkey business." I then lecture him in a friendly way about how he needs to straighten up and fly right I talk to my son beforehand about this kids choices and how it will affect his future. I structure the day so the boys are supervised-no hanging out at a third party's house. I gave them a video camera and encouraged them to make some funny videos and take funny pictures. They spent the whole visit on the computer editing footage. We had a great time.

I'm with celebrian on the work thing, i didn't stress it as much as I should have in my post. In my family, Thanksgiving is often the last big yard work weekend, all the last leaves that have fallen, all the pruning and clearing and preparing for winter. It is exhausting in a good, fresh air, kind of way and could help you out if you need that stuff done!

I spoke with hubby about it tonight and he didn't say no outright like I thought he would. We agreed that we need some more information, like why is he coming out, exactly for how long, why is he not staying with family, etc.

Ultimately I think we will offer to let him stay but maybe not a full week, more like a couple of days or so and include him in our holiday. I very much like the idea of keeping them occupied with helping to cook and clean up. Maybe I'll even give them the shopping list and send them to the store. I really like the idea of the video camera. They have actually done that before so I know they would like it.

Of course, it's what they might do at night when they go out that has me more worried, but I'll have a good clear discussion about how I require to know where they are going, what they are doing, who they will be with and when they will be back, etc.

But turn off the internet? Lol, I'd have a mutiny on my hands!

My brother had a friend like the one you described.

A couple of years after they finished high school, he murdered his girlfriend in a violent rage and was sent to prison. Can I just say that I was extraordinarily glad that my brother had moved away to study and so lost contact with this friend?

My perspective is that you should go with your gut. If you think the kid can be turned around with some tough love, then go for it. If your gut instinct gives you a big red flashing sign, then keep him away from your son.

Helen

I think you are wise to be thinking this thru before the visit-I agree-lots of supervision and wholesome family activities. No hanging out with others and no going out together after dark-you can all rent a movie together. Just be careful,. if it works out well there may be more requests for visits over a longer time-so set tight boundaries NOW bc it is very hard to tighten them later.

Been thinking more about this as i fold the laundry, sorry to "hog" the post.

I really don't know the specific kind of trouble you are concerned about but I don't think I would send them to the supermarket on their own. First of all, boys (perhaps not your son) tend not to be as precise or careful when it comes to selecting groceries and produce. Also you are worried about them going off and getting into trouble, and then giving them the keys and sending them out. It would be super easy for said friend to say "hey, i know this guy around the corner who has some *trouble* lets just swing by; your mom will never know." Bring them to the market with you, or send them with younger sibs too.

Don't worry about what they would do at night, make their plans for them - go bowling, family movie night, cranium, pictionary, or a showing of the films they've made. If you are in the states drinking age is 21 so they can't go to bars anyway and too much *trouble* happens in other people's basements...maybe a couple friends could come to your house but these two don't go out!

I also misread the initial post and thought the boy was only coming for the weekend - i would really limit his visit to 2 days, prob thurs and fri.

Your son also REALLY needs to know how to say NO and LEAVE when a bad situation presents itself. This is something that will serve him for the rest of his life and save him from a lot of strife, conflict, and guilt for being involved with things he doesn't approve of. People will respect him for that, really. (even the kids who instigate said plot - they'll protest his leaving but that is insecurity and not wanting to be alone in their misery, trouble, and then the consequences) He should also know that no matter who gets him involved in situations, he is responsible for himself and therefor is to blame, doesn't matter if bad kid or the Easter bunny suggested it.


Sorry about the novel, I have one other sort of musing, i must say I am surprised that helping out with thanksgiving dinner isn't a given ... maybe it is because my mom isn't really a fan of cooking (though she is good at it) but we've all been involved, especially in the prep cooking since we were about 5, snapping beans, breaking the bread for stuffing etc.