Hello, my name is Lauren and I will be 20 soon. I hope it is ok posting in this area. I wanted opinions from people over the age of 40. What are some things you wish that you knew when you were 20? Any words of wisdom for the youngins of DDN? If you could go back in time, what are some things that you will change?

OOO there are so many things I would do differently! I was married at age 20 and had a child the next year. It took me the next 15 years to figure out how I wanted to live my life and fix the mistakes I had made.

Do not marry someone just because it seems like all your friends are getting married. Don't marry someone who is disrespectful to you or other people (including waitresses and his mother). It only gets worse with time. Only marry someone you admire. Lust fades, admiration and respect keep love alive. There is no hurry to get married. Wait until you know who you are and what you want in a relationship. Don't spend all your money on a big wedding. Use the money for a house instead.

Do some traveling before you have a family. Live on your own. Learn what it means to be independent before you get married. Learn to cook.

Go to college and get a good degree. It is hard to go back to school once you have a family. You should be able to support yourself.

Don't spend your money on new cars. Save up enough money to buy a used car with cash...then you never have a car payment. Save that money for a down payment on a house. With time a car loses value, a house gains value. Don't waste your money on things that don't last or impulse buys. Don't run up a big credit card bill. Always keep some money in savings for a rainy day.

Take advantage of your employer's 401K plan!!!! and start saving for your child's college fund as soon as they are born.

Treasure your parents and grandparents-they won't be around forever. Don't get so busy you forget about them.

Never stop exercising, it keeps you young. Never stop looking for new experiences and learning.

Don't automatically buy the cheapest item. Look for value as well as quality, which usually means the mid range price. Don't buy furniture in a wacky color or style. It should be something you can live with for many years. Invest in a good matress and sheets. Research other people's reviews on items before you buy them. The same goes with planning a trip-read hotel reviews!

Once you have children learn about parenting techniques-read books, take child development classes, ask other parents. They don't come with a manual and it is easy to lose your temper if you don't understand how their brains work.

I could go on and on! Thanks for asking

^ Oh please go on and on. I am sitting here like an open sponge ready to absorb all this information!

At 20 (or actually closer to 22 when I got out of college) I wish I knew far more about consumer economics at an understanding level. I really did not know what the impact was, for example, of a 2% increase in a 30 year mortgage. I wish I had understood inflation and its impact better (this is not all negative, a great part of my personal wealth is based upon inflating real estate values.

I would have strategized the timing and spacing of my children better rather than let things happen (two kids in less than a year solved that problem . ) Many financial/tax things now taken for granted did not exist when I was in my 20's (I am now in my later 60's and retired.) Tax advantages for child care, 529 college investment programs (they came the year my last child got OUT of college, even 401Ks did not exist until I was well into my 40's.

I would have been far more assertive in the early days of my career and would have changed from my initial career (government linguist) far earlier when I realized it was going nowhere for me. I did get out finally and had a very successful career thereafter. I already had good public speaking skills from high school and college speech classes. About ten years into my career, I recognized that I was sitting on a "gold mine" with those skills. I could do them easily and my bosses were scared to death of doing them. They also were not particularly good writers and I was and I made a lot of career advancement based upon that fact. I would have acquired a mentor at work far earlier. I would not have eaten a lunch brought from home at my desk as I did early in my career. The cost of lunch while getting face time with others at work was a small price to pay for the networking advantages.

I would have moved from a job which wasn't going as well as I had hoped far more quickly. I had a job with on both a skill and an interpersonal level was not going as I had expected. I was not being used to full advantage and the boss was not responsive to my concerns (he called me a "whiner.") I finally went to someone far over his head with a "play me or trade me" plea and I got the dream job of my career.

Get a long term vision of your financial posture. My retirement was not something I was thinking about much when I was in my 20's and fortunately my work was one in which a long career was rewarded with a "gilt edge" pension (and I married well...my wife also has a great pension, but that kind of deal is going away and defined pensions are not something you can count on. In effect, our pensions are really the only retirement plan we needed but still, we made investments in 401K's when they became available and a similar plan for teachers (my wife), we invested in some income producing real estate and, at least on paper, have a net worth over a million, beyond our pensions. Fortunately we have not had to touch these, but had we been able to start in our 20's we would have been multi-millionaires today. As it was, we were both able to retire rather early...both of us age age 57.

I heartily endorse all of Lori's suggestions and for the most part I have tried to make suggestions other than the ones she made. (One exception...I do usually buy new vehicles .)

Jon

If you were lovers with someone when you were 20 and had a break up...are you guys friends at 40? I know that girls sometimes throw away everything that reminds them of their lovers. Do you wish you still had the pictures at 40 for memories and things like that?

^ NO! I don't. I married young and divorced quickly and there is nothing I want to remind me of that time in my life. My mom still has my wedding pictures packed away but I haven't looked at them in many years.

I ran into a man at a grocery store not long ago who resembled my ex so much, it upset me and I left the store. It couldn't have been him because this guy looked like he did when we were young and he is obviously 25+ years older now. But still, the past belongs in the past.

kk~

P.S. The other day, I ran across your email in my yahoo contacts and I couldn't for the life of me figure out who that was! Lol! Now I remember.

Not to worry so much.
Not to be afraid to go afraid my dreams.
Seek out a mentor to encourage in my pursuit of my passion.

I grew up poor and without psychological support for my dreams and ambitions. I was EXTREMELY fear based and it ruled my life.

There are more things I can think of, but would rather not go into too much detail on-line.

PM me to talk.

Regarding your question about being friends with your ex-I wouldn't say we are friends but we have children together and grew up together so we still have a semblance of a friendship. I have kept the old pictures but they don't mean much to me anymore. Good for the kids to have them though. Never talk badly about a child's father even if he is a total loser!

I've kept pictures of other boyfriends from when I was young and again, they don't mean much-they lose their meaning as time goes by. I am not friends with those people but if we saw each other on the street there wouldn't be any hard feelings and we could have a friendly chat without any weirdness. Best to let the past go and not waste time wondering what could have been with a certain guy. People change. The person you knew years ago is not the same person now. That was a hard lesson for me to learn!

I just thought of more job related advice.

Never quit a job without having another job in place. You might think finding a new job is going to be easy but in this economy nothing is guaranteed. It is too stressful! If you don't like your current job start looking for a new one but don't tell anyone at your current job that you are doing so. If the boss hears about it he/she might fire you preemptively. Always give at least 2 weeks notice. Do not burn your bridges-leave on good terms and don't bad mouth your boss to your new employer, you may end up working with your old boss (or someone they know) in the future.

If you are offered a supervisory postion know that the dynamics between you and your coworkers will change. You cannot be friends with one or two without someone saying you are showing favoritism. You have to treat everyone the same-even your friends. It is best to have friends outside of work if you are a supervisor.

Dating someone you work with is equally tricky. When you break up with them you have to see them every day and co-workers enjoy gossiping about you. Pretty much is not worth the hassle!

Be reliable. Show up on time, don't call in sick unnecessarily, if you hear gossip do not repeat it, mind your own business, get your assignments done before they are due, offer to help others and smile!

Be careful how you dress. It is easy to wear something a little too goofy when you are trying to be creative. Err on the side of caution. (I had an older coworker who showed up in a floral mini dress, fishnets and big boots..all people talked about all day was her silly outfit.)

Nothing is worse than a co-worker who is always whining about the work or about their various problems. Your coworkers want to hear that you are fine and ready to work. If you need to vent to someone-do it outside of work. Of course we all have those days when the dog died or uncle got in a car wreck...I am talking about day to day-you should try to have a positive, "can-do", strong attitude. You will get ahead this way.

However...it is ok to pass up a promotion-especially if it means more responsibility/work than you can handle for not enough compensation. I didn't know this when I was younger and took a position that made me totally miserable. Talk to someone who is in the position and find out as much as possible before accepting.

Be careful with work email. Never put anything in an email that you wouldn't want read aloud at a meeting. If something has made you angry, upset, confused etc. go talk to the person face to face...do not send an angry email. Sarcasm doesn't translate well to email and neither does strong emotion. Anything in writing may end up in your personnel file!

People really don't care what you do or how you look as long as you don't hurt them. So live your life for yourself and stop worrying about what other people think- a HUGE waste of time.

And speaking of time: Life is like a roll of toilet paper- the closer you get to the end, the faster it unrolls. 40 may seem a long way off but it will arrive in a flash so don't waste it over trivial things.

And speaking of trivial things, we spend the first half of our lives collecting and managing all out JUNK. The second half of our lives we spend getting rid of it.

Finally when I was 20 I thought life would be basically over at 40 but in many ways, it just begins. So take care of your body and your health now, you will need it for a long time.

Ohh, so many things.
Stay in college and get your higher degrees. I stopped with two associates. It's a whole lot harder coming back to do my bachelors and masters.

Don't abuse your body just to show that you are just as capable as the others. I have sustained back and knee injuries from showing that just because you're 120# you can haul that body around or move that heavy object.
I've fractured my nose 5 times, foot once, patella once, several fingers. I've had several knee surgeries, and more to come. I've herniated my neck and back so bad that I had to go out on a medical disability for my neck due to a line of duty injury. This is more than likely going to be a couple of surgeries (one fusion of the neck, one of my elbow). I've permanently affected my lungs from inhaling poison gasses and several of my friends have also died in the line of duty (all under 40) from different reasons.

Take care of your body. See above for a partial list.

Take up a second career to fall back on.
When I first got injured on my neck they told me that I had to give up my job. What am I supposed to do? I've been doing this for 17 years and I don't know what to do other than teach. Luckily I started preparing in case and I was able to jump in a similar career when I really had to go out on disability back in August due to the loss of sensation in several fingers.

You don't need the best stuff out there.
Purchase what you can afford. Spend extra money on things that are going to be better in the long run and save on other more disposable items.

Make a rainy day fund.
I had roughly a 3 month savings in case I had problems in life. Well when I was out on medical and until I had my new job I had to make the difference in payments. I may not have a second source of income now, but I have a job that I enjoy. That buffer allowed me to keep paying on my house, car and other bills.

Take a vacation.
I spent all my vacation time going to schools, and other things I never really went to do something I like. I now go out and try to take time out of life to reset the clock and enjoy it. Whatever garbage is there today will be there tomorrow, next week, month. Don't fret about it.

Invest if you can.
I started early and put a ton of money from my 401k and dumped it in tech funds when the .com blew up years ago. I lost 35k but I was young so while I was upset I had time to recoup it back. Now that I'm older I am more careful on what my pension and retirement funds do.

If you can afford it, get a house.
Wow, this did wonders when it came to taxes. You can do some great tax adjustments. I just wish I did it earlier when I could afford to live where I originally wanted to. I can't now, but I moved close enough and like where I live.

That should do for now.