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How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 08:51 PM
Moved to Religion by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-01-16 13:56:30 ANY topic that involves religious beliefs needs to go on the religion board.

This may be a stupid question but I have always wondered this. How is a guy friend or a boyfriend different from each other if you aren't physical with the boyfriend?
sex=relationship. no sex=not a relationship.

Some say it's because you love a boyfriend and care for him. I care and love all my guy friends too. I just don't love my guy friends in a romantic way. If I wasn't sexual with my boyfriend, how can I love HIM in a romantic way?

I am not sure if I am just rambling on. Maybe someone who understands can put my question in a better format. I know what I am trying to say, but I can't get it to come out the correct way.

60 Replies to How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?

re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By MaxwellPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:07 PM
Edited by Katydid13 (187431) on 2010-01-15 21:08:44 Added some stuff
Um...are we talking about actual official sexy sex or just showing physical affection in general? Because that's a huge difference.

If you mean the first one, you are completely ignoring the fact that there are lots of things you can do that are pleasurable and show physical affection (i.e. kissing, groping, etc) that are not sex, and I don't understand your arguement. If you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend, goes both ways), and you don't have sex with him/her, you still probably show him some level of physical affection that you don't have with your male/female friends.

If you meant the second one, it is all subjective. You probably have much stronger romantic feelings for a girl/boyfriend than other friends, right? Some people show their feelings through lots of physical affection, others prefer other ways. People go about relationships in different ways, and as long as they aren't having a negative impact on other people, who cares?

If a person doesn't at least has some romantic affection for their significant other, and just thinks of them as a friend they happen to do it with, I would argue that they don't have much of a relationship at all. It is perfectly acceptable to have a friend that you happen to do it with, but don't confuse friend with sexy benefits with a romantic relationship.

Basically, if you don't understand what I'm trying to get at with all that rambling I just did: Sex does not equal a romantic relationship or really has anything to do with love. Now, before anybody jumps down my throat, I think sex/other physical affection can have romantic aspects and be a great way to show your love, but only if you choose to make it that way. There are tons of perfectly healthy relationships where both people love each other and don't do it, and vice versa. There are also perfectly health friendships with no romantic interest whatsoever who do it, and vice versa.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:16 PM
Reversing genders, I think I do understand. From my college era to present, I have had a number of very close female friends who weren't my lovers and sex was never involved (though kissing) and in college "making out" were involved. I did this even when I was in a relationship (mostly non-sexual...the "pill" wasn't invented when I was in college) with the girl who became my wife.

Two of these girls were my "drinking buddies" and at various times my stand partners in the university symphony. Had I not been involved with my now-wife, either one could have become a romantic, sexual relationship. I am still friends with both of them. In my middle years I had a close, but platonic relationship with a girl who worked for me in my photo business for several years. She was in college then, I was middle aged.

Most of my current friends in the area are fellow musicians, many of them quite young, but there is no hint of romance or kissing. They are just good friends. I have a few people on the internet, most of whom I have never met in person, who I consider to be friends and would love to meet them in person some day.

So, yeah, I think I DO understand. I like to make the follow distinction "girl friend" does not equal "girlfriend" or "wife" in my case, though my wife is also my best friend.

Jon
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By AlwaysOnStagePremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:16 PM
I think you're mistaking sex for intimacy. You can be intimate without sex, and have sex without intimacy. I think intimacy is what distinguishes private relationships with 'public' relationships.

I saw a shot of families in Africa and there was a segment about a tribe where the women had sex with their husbands but they were intimate with their best female friends, and that both were very important social groupings.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend? (karma: 3)
By Beckymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:17 PM
*headsdesk*

Uhhhh last time I checked sex DOES NOT EQUAL relationship.

Your kidding me right?
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By Heartmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:27 PM
If you can't grasp that you can love someone romantically and not have sex with them, I'm not really sure what to say, other than you must be severely emotionally stunted. Romantic love shows in a relationship in a million other ways besides having sex; it is a completely different emotion than platonic love.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:33 PM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 21:37:13
Becky this was just a personal opinion of mine. For me, if a guy and I don't have sex we are just good friends. If a guy and I have sex, it may or not be a "relationship" but there are feelings of more then "just a good guy friend". I guess I don't understand whats the difference of being in a relationship and in a friendship if no sex is involved. I think the subject Alwaysonstage brought up is a really interesting one. I guess you are right with the whole "sex/intimacy" thing.
The story about the tribe is an interesting one.

1. Guy and girl go to a movie, go to dinner, go home.
2. Guy and girl go to a movie, go to dinner, go home,

If you asked me which one was in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I guess I lump "sex and relationship" into one basket. This is just a personal opinion.
I can see having casual sex with a friend. I can see having sex with a boyfriend.

I think the point of my question is... Why call someone a boyfriend if you aren't sexually active ( making out, kissing, sex) with them. Why not just call them a "guy friend". I guess the answer would be intimacy right?

Heart I understand that you can romantically love someone and not have sex with them. I have loved a few of my guy friends romantically but never got physical with them. I have never been in a relationship where physical things didn't come into play at one point or another. A boyfriend of mine in high school wanted to wait till marriage to become physically intimate. ( not even a kiss). Without any physical touch, the love turned into something that was platonic. We are still good friends till this day.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By SammyAnnmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:37 PM
Relationships aren't defined by actions. Yes, you can go to dinner with a guy and he is just a guy friend. Yes, you can go to dinner with a guy and he is a boyfriend. Its the feelings behind it that make it a romantic relationship. For example, what about people that are paralyzed, ill, or for some other reason can't have sex at all? Are they incapable of having a boyfriend or girlfriend? By your logic, yes, they are.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By MaxwellPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:39 PM
^Of course! I have to say though, you're really confusing me. When you say sexually active, are you talking about SEX or just physical intamacy in general? Because I agree that a romantic relationship where there's no physical intamacy whatsoever is a little odd, but once again, I don't tell other people how to operate their relationships.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:41 PM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 21:46:29
^ Sexually active= Sex, Oral sex, Making out, Kissing, Groping, Fondling etc.

Edit

This post is coming from a memory of mine in high school. In religion class they taught us that we shouldn't "french kiss" until we are engaged. I guess I didn't understand how dating a someone without any physical contact is any different then hanging out with a guy friend you care strongly about.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By MaxwellPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:47 PM
^I've always been under the impression that sexually active meant you had to be having actual sex, meaning that SA=oral/anal/vaginal sex, and everything else is not.

Just saying.

/hijack
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:49 PM
I may be a fuddy duddy here, but in my teen years I certainly considered myself to be in a relationship with the girl who ultimately (after college) became my wife. We were romantic, we were exclusive and we didn't have sex until we were well into college (I was a Senior, she a Junior.)

So I think Jazz Lover's definitions, which may work for her, don't apply in every case. Certainly not mine from the ages of 16 to about 20.

Jon
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:49 PM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 21:51:54
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 21:54:44
I was taught that sexually active was any physical touch. Since you can get STD's from kissing ( cold sores) I've always thought kissing to be a sexual activity. I mean kissing turns me on, so it is a sexual activity for me.
I think I may need to define my terms for the sake of this thread.

sexually active= Any physical touch
Platonic friendship= Not having sexual relationships with them.
romantic love= being physically intimate with them or wanting to be. As I said I have loved my guy friends in a romantic way, but not actually became physically active with them.

After edit

Maybe I should have everyone define what they mean by "relationship". I will start.
A relationship is being with someone you care deeply about. You find them sexually a turnon and attractive. You have sex/other sexual activites with them.

Friendship is caring for someone deeply. You can find them attractive, but you aren't sexually active with them.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By MaxwellPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:52 PM
^Well, yeah, but porn and even just thinking sexual thoughts turn people on. Do you consider those "sexual activity?"
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By SammyAnnmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:54 PM
What about holding hands? Watching a movie and cuddling together? I wouldn't do that with just a guy friend, but I wouldn't call them sexual at all either...
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 09:55 PM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 21:57:13
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 22:01:31
Yeah I find porn to be a sexual activity. I wouldn't group it into a Sunday School activity. I think cuddling can be a sexual activity, but it doesn't always have to be. Holding hands is not a sexual activity for me personally. I am not thinking abotu sexy time when I hold hands with my guy. That being said, I hold hands with many of my female/guy friends.

I guess I find it weird to be in a relationship without any type of physical intimacy. A lot of my Christian friends and cousins who have been homeschooled think like this. They refuse to kiss because it may bring up evil thoughts and you aren't suppose to be a temptress.

Maybe someone who has acutally been in a relationship without any physical intimacy can chime in here? Here are a few questions that I have.
1. Do you find your boyfriend physically/sexually attractive at all?
2. Why do you chose not to be physically intimate with him.
3. What are other ways that you show love to each other.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend? (karma: 2)
By SOADftwmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:15 PM
I find this post very, very sad. Maybe that's just me.

I love my fiance. Love him in a way that is very, very different than how I love any of my friends. If something happened and I could never, ever have sex with him again in my life, I would love him just the same. Say he were to get paralyzed from the neck down, or burned horribly all over his body. That wouldn't matter because a relationship with someone is so much more than physical. I would love him no matter what.

Jazz_lover, from another post that you made, I see you think that all love is is hormones. That makes me so sad.

To answer your third question, there are SO MANY other ways to show that you love someone without being physically intimate. Words are a good way to start. Actions, too. It's not hard to let someone know that you love them without doing sexual things.

Gosh. This post is something else.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:19 PM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 22:27:15
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-01-15 22:30:13
^ I never said that it is ALL horomones. I said part of the love is hormones along with having the same values as your lover. The horomones Dopamine, Fenylethylamine, Vasopressin, endorpin etc are produced when you are in love with someone. That is what I meant that love is hormones for me ALONG with having similar values with someone else. I love a person if they think respect is important. I love someone if they value things like helping other people, likes intellectual stimulation etc.

Soad . I can also safely say that if someone took those horomones away from your body, you probably won't be having those feelings of "love". Any emotion is connected to a source in the brain. All I was saying was the standard defention of "love" and also the feelings that go along with love for me personally.

This was the post that she is referring too.
www.dance.net . . .
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By dancinqt5013member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:20 PM
Well, I would define sexual activity as anything involving a sex organ. So oral, anal, and vaginal sex count as sexual activity, but I wouldn't count kissing as sexual activity. I can easily imagine a relationship without my definition of sexual activity because intimacy has many different levels. But I do have a bit of a hard time imagining a relationship without your definition of sexual activity.

I think courting involves no kissing or physical intimacy until marriage or something, and that's always blown my mind. I don't know anyone who has been in one of those relationships, but I do find it hard to imagine.

One thing this reminds me of is something I learned in my psych class last semester. Apparently you can define two different types of love: passionate and companionate. Passionate love is more about the physical intimacy and being in the moment just with the person, like Romeo and Juliet type of love. But companionate love is when you start thinking of other components of the relationship like marriage, raising a family, sharing responsibilities and things like that. I don't know, we only brushed over it so I don't know all the details, but I imagine that romantic relationships without physical intimacy rely more heavily on companionate love than passionate love.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:23 PM
^ That is really interesting reading about compassionate/passionate love. I think mine started out as passionate love and turned into compassionate love as time goes on. Is passionate love the same thing as infatuation?
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By SOADftwmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:28 PM
The horomones Dopamine, Fenylethylamine, Vasopressin, endorpin etc are produced when you are in love with someone.


*eye roll*

Hormones are produced when ANYTHING happens. That's kind of how your body works. Hormones do not equal love. Hormones are released as a result of your feelings. Just like when you feel stress, your body releases cortisol, GH and norepinephrine. They are only released because you felt stress. Your body doesn't just decide to release all those hormones and THEN decide you're stressed. Release of hormones has to be brought on by something. You have to feel love in order for the hormones to be released.

But who cares about hormones, anyway. Love is something so much more. It's a connection. It's something that can't be put into words, especially words like "dopamine." Love is so much more than that. You don't give love enough credit.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:36 PM
I care very much about the hormones and how they effect the body. Of course hormones are released when anything happens, which is why I put it into my reply. I first replied with what actual "love" means then my personal feelings toward it.

If you ask me what fear is, I would reply " It is emotional response to a threat.____ chemicals are what controls this reponse" then I would say fear is a unpleasant thing and it scares me. I hate fear etc. I try to define the actual meaning of the word then put a personal opinion after it.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By Beckymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:37 PM
Edited by Becky (171126) on 2010-01-15 22:41:15
I'm going to try to give your my example.

I had a boyfriend. So no he wasn't just my guy friend.

We went to movies, hung out, kissed, held hands, cuddled, slept in the same bed, spent all night to him on the phone, we loved each other. He sent me flowers, and I was even the privilege by his boss to visit him at work. When I introduced him to my friends/family, it was "This is my boyfriend, _____". He was the first person I went to if I had a problem, and he practically lived at my house. I cared immensely about his wellbeing, and I couldn't bare to see him in pain. We did not have sex, or oral, or anything that I would consider sexual activity. Had he not been killed in a car accident, we probably would but at the time I wasn't ready to make that jump. So YES I was sexual attracted to him, and he was as well but he respected that. But he was still my boyfriend.

I also have a best friend who happens to be a guy.

We hang out and go to movies. But I sure as hell don't hold kiss him, and we don't sleep in the same bed. I care about him sure, you could probably even say I loved him. But in no other way than how I love my best girl friend. He was my second go to person if I had issues, or if the issues were with the boy, but I saw them in completely different lights and I wasn't having sexual relationships with either of them

Can you see the difference?

Sex does not define your relationship with someone. However, you can have a purely sexual relationship with someone.
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:39 PM
I don't see how you could be confused about this.

There's different kinds of love. Romantic and Platonic. You can love someone and not be in love with them. You can be in love with someone but not engage in sexual activity (for various reasons).
re: How is a boyfriend different from a guy friend if you don't have sex with the boyfriend?
By AlwaysOnStagePremium member
On Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:42 PM
My literature teacher would tell us:

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, if and only if they can support it and include all available material.

Because you cannot include all applicable relationships to your thesis, I think it's time you revise.
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