Poll: Adults / 30 Something

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Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 08:51 PM
Locked by Theresa (28613) on 2014-02-21 13:19:32 Gosh, this ones way old...


Jim and I are debating on this right now.

My birthday was Monday, and he met James and I up at the studio, then we went out to eat, and we went to look at what I wanted for my birthday (I believed with the intention of picking it up, he believed we were just checking prices).

Now, to clarify - birthdays are a big deal for me. They just are. They aren't nearly as big a deal to him, but I grew up in a house when birthdays were a big deal, and dang it, birthdays are a big deal!

So we go out to eat, and then we go over to Wal-Mart. I spot the ipod I want (that's what I'd asked for), and the drooling commences. Jim immediatly begins complaining about how much it costs, and how if I'm getting that, then I'm not getting any birthday presents for the next two years. Que James acting out, just to add to the moment.

I eventually get beaten down, and go "Aah, forget it, I want to go home. Let's get some cake and ice cream and go." And Jim goes "Ugh, both?" So I don't even get cake and ice cream on my birthday!

On the way out the door, I grab a $11 pair of Danskin yoga pants (their my staple, and I've got several pairs that are kind of worn out) and a $12 pair of shoes.

Now, Jim and I have very differing views on what happened that night.

Personally, I think I got $23 worth of yoga pants and shoes, and that my birthday redefined the word FAIL. Jim thinks I got dinner, and $23 worth of yoga pants and shoes, and that I've got nothing to be complaining about here.

Our major difference of opinion seems to hinge on the dinner. I think taking a person out for dinner on their birthday is just a nice thing to do (especially when the person you're taking out is the cook in the house, and would otherwise be cooking for themselves). Jim thinks it's part of the gift.

Opinions?

30 Replies to Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?

re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Meganmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12956, member since Wed Mar 17, 2004
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 08:56 PM
Depends on the dinner, I guess. If it's something you do all the time (like, if you go to the same restaurant every Tuesday or whatever), than I'd say it doesn't really count as a birthday celebration, but if it's more special, to somewhere different than usual or whatever, I think it totally qualifies.

Personally, though, I could care less what gets spent on me as long as it's acknowledged that it's my birthday. Granted, mine's on a holiday, though, so it means a lot to me just to have someone say "Hey, happy birthday." I don't put a lot of stock in material stuff. Gifts are great, but not a requirement or an expectation.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 09:02 PM
^It's a nice place, but it's one we go to fairly regularly. Often enough that a few of the waiters and waitresses recognize us when we go in.

I don't know that this is as much a material thing, as it is that I don't feel like anything special happened. And like I said - birthdays aren't a big deal for him, and I know that, and they are for me, and he knows that (my birthdays the 15th, and one of the first things I told him when we started dating seriously was that he got a free pass to all but ignore Valentines, as long as he acted appropriately on my birthday). I mean, getting me a cake wouldn't have been that challenging, right? And I started telling him months ago that all I wanted for my birthday was an ipod, that certainly couldn't have been that much of a surprise for him. :/

Guh. :P
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6075, member since Tue Dec 20, 2005
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 09:14 PM
I'd say that it counts as part of the gift if it was planned to be that way before you went. But if you go, and then later that night he claims it as a birthday dinner AFTER you've expressed the fact that you don't feel like you got a real birthday birthday (which I totally agree with, btw--birthdays should be a pretty big stink! :P)...that sounds to me like it wasn't a birthday dinner until he didn't want to spend more money, you know?

For the record, I think you totally deserve a big fancy birthday. You're a mom AND a basically-wife AND a dancer AND a mod?! Pssh, $23 in pants and shoes is so beneath you. ;)
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3639, member since Wed Jan 15, 2003
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:23 PM
As a poor college student, when I'm thinking about how much I'm able to spend on my SO for his birthday, if we were doing dinner, I would factor that in. In that, if dinner was going to be expensive, I'd probably have to scale down what else I'd get him. I think going for dinner on your birthday is a wonderful way to spend the evening, though.

I think the difference here is the way Jim acted about everything else. I'm not even talking about money or material things here - his attitude about your birthday just generally stunk. After all of this time, he has no excuse to not treat you amazingly well on your birthday. You're totally in the right to be bummed out right now. However, if I were you, I'd focus less on the material aspects of the day (ie. adding up tabs - no one enjoys that) and make it clear that if he's not excited about your birthday, it's pretty darn difficult for you to be excited.

Ps. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! :D
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:38 PM
I think you got short changed. A birthday from your fiance should include more than Walmart and a spontaneous dinner. You didn't even get a babysitter.

kk~
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:43 PM
^Thanks! :)

Jim is a pretty type A guy, especially when it comes to money. Which is kind of obnoxious to deal with, but actually a pretty good thing, because I'm pretty type B (I'm one that would be really likely to blow my money on shoes and not be able to pay rent. So having someone around that makes sure I can afford the shoes and pay my rent saves me, in alot of ways).

But, I don't go around asking for a big fuss and expensive electronics every day of the week. I'm pretty chill like that, or at least I like to think so. So on the day that I DO ask for a big fuss and something expensive, to get basically blown off is really dissapointing. :(
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By MissErinDmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 470, member since Mon Oct 25, 2004
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:32 PM
Edited by MissErinD (110713) on 2010-02-17 23:33:43
Have you talked to him? I know you've been together for a while, but maybe he needs a reminder on how much birthdays mean to you.

Edit:
Sorry, I didn't realize this was 30+. Feel free to remove.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12490, member since Fri Aug 27, 2004
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:41 PM
It's more the way that he handled it. Basically he didn't put forth any effort. That's what bugs me, not so much about what he did or didn't get you. If he came home and said, "Baby, I'm taking you out to dinner for your birthday!", even if it was the same old restaurant it would still mean something more. And then if he had said, "Baby, let's go to Wal-Mart and you can pick something out just for you!", then even if it was JUST Wal-Mart and even if it was JUST $23 it would have meant more.

So yea, he was a big ole crank and dragged his feet over the whole thing and you can tell him we here at ddn say he is in the wrong and he needs to make it up to you attitude-wise.

Happy Belated Birthday!
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 8949, member since Sat Jul 19, 2003
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:43 PM
In our family, eating out is not counted as part of our birthday present. If it were a really nice place that was expensive, AND he'd said "hey, how about as your birthday gift I get you ipod/clothes/insert object here and we go out to eat at that great restaurant?" I'd consider it included. But, that didn't go down, so I would say no.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By oz_helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11196, member since Sat Aug 10, 2002
On Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:58 PM
In my little family, we believe in giving experiences more than giving material things because, well, we figure we have enough stuff and stuff isn't made of memories like experiences are. So in our family, being taken out to dinner would be a birthday present. However - being taken out to a grown-up restaurant that we hadn't been to, or was a sentimental (read: not the convenient) choice, without child is the way it would have been done.

Did I think you were diddled? Yes. Sounds like there wasn't really much planning or the making of any special memories in this "present".

Helen
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6305, member since Tue Dec 03, 2002
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 01:49 AM
In my family going out to dinner is part of the birthday present, but thats because we go to a nice place that we wouldnt normally go to and make a big deal of it.

I think you were short changed, especially as you didn't get a baby sitter for James.

Helen
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Munkensteinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 14381, member since Mon Aug 11, 2003
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 06:48 AM
If it's paid for by somebody else, I consider it to be a gift from them for my birthday, but that's just how we operate. I know it can be different for everybody so the way YOU see it is the most important in this situation. :)
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present? (karma: 2)
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6817, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 07:33 AM
First of all..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My thoughts (or two cents) on the matter.

1) Jim blew it! You made it clear your birthday is important to you and he chose to make it a contest of wills. If it was a money issue, there are ten things he could have done right off hand to make it right. Can't afford an i pod? Download a cd of songs that you love or have some special meaning to both of you.

2) Can't afford to eat out...he could have boiled some pasta, grabbed a bagged salad and some bread...at Wal-Mart...while he was picking up one of those little 4" birthday cakes and three little Ben and Jerry's individual ice creams. Less than $12.00. He could have done the dishes afterward, put James to bed, and suggested you treat yourself to a soak in the tub (or time listening to your new CD mix)

3) Cards can be almost $5.00 each...He could have made a card, if it was going to break the budget. He could have had JAMES make a card, taken a picture of James holding a sign that said, "Happy Birthday Mom" and put it in a frame for a few additional bucks. This isn't about money. (and btw...he and James ate dinner too, didn't they?...)

My husband is very much like this. One side of his brain wants to be a nice guy, and the other side doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do...especially women. (that sounds worse than it really is, but for the sake of word economy, take it on faith)

Does this have to be a deal breaker? Of course not. But for the sake of your sanity, this is what I'd do.

1) Go put that i pod you've been eyeing on Lay A Way. Put a few dollars on it a week, so you don't even miss it. Add another pair of yoga pants to the Lay A Way. And some perfume, if Wal Mart carries something you like. On the day you pick it up (may be six weeks from now....)>>>>

2) ^ Spend a few extra minutes in the card isle and choose a couple of funny cards for yourself. Don't buy them if you don't save that kind of stuff...just enjoy the laugh. If you have a "swell box" of stuff like that that you save, choose two...one from Jim and one from James...and bring them home and have him sign them. Then say, thank you very much and put them in the swell box. In a few years, you'll still have them.

3) Start planning his birthday now. Nothing extravagant, just thoughtful. If his birthday is less than a couple of months away, bake the cake now and put it in the freezer so he'll know it's coming. Ditto on the ice cream. Skip any large gift...quite frankly, he doesn't deserve it this year.

4) Plan James' birthdays exactly the way you want them to be. Don't negotiate this with Jim. He just doesn't get it. And kids are only young once. James is entitled to know that once a year, the whole world is very, VERY happy, that he was born.

Hang in there. Love them, though we do, men can be such jerks.

Keep On Dancing!
xoxo
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 07:48 AM
Does this have to be a deal breaker? Of course not. But for the sake of your sanity, this is what I'd do.


LOL - it's by no means a deal breaker. We're nine years and a almost four year old child into our relationship. He would have had to have jerked me around with the ipod and run me over with his car in the parking lot before we were even approaching "deal breaker" status.

And I have talked to him about birthdays being a big deal multiple times over the course of our relationship, as well as multiple times this week alone. He thinks I'm being a brat, that I got dinner and whatever, and it's all fine. I say I got jipped out of a birthday, and this is by no stretch fine with me. *stomps foot* Heh.

I also want my lip pierced pretty bad, and I even offered that up as a suggestion for a gift at one point (considerably cheaper, and more to the "experience" side then the "material"), and he took a pass on that too. He doesn't like piercings.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By seacaptain Comments: 2111, member since Mon Sep 19, 2005
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 09:23 AM
I think it is the lack of ceremony that is the real issue here. like he couldn't be bothered to make the evening even a bit nice/special.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Thu Feb 18, 2010 09:27 AM
My wife and I are at the stage of our lives where there is really very little that we need and we do not exchange birthday presents anymore. In fact, a bigger birthday present would actually be getting rid of some of the stuff we actually DO have.

So going out for dinner...even though we do this quite often anyway...is how we celebrate each other's birthdays. If it works into the schedule, we might go to a play or concert (concert aside from my own concerts.)

We do make a pretty big deal out of the birthday celebrations for our four grandsons.

Jon
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Feb 21, 2010 06:54 PM
Happily, I have an update to our debate.

Evidentally, Jim decided being the guy that whiffed his girlfriends birthday (when she'd been quite open about how big of a deal it was to her) wasn't really a reputation he wanted to cultivate, because this afternoon when we were walking around Costco, I started lusting after the ipods again, and when he looked at me like I was nuts, I went "Hey, I've got something coming to me, I didn't get a birthday present!", and he went "Yes you did, I'm buying your plane ticket to your moms next month!"

:O I did not see that coming!

I hate to say he saw it my way, because that's not really what happened, but yay for surprises! :D Because I did not see the plane ticket coming - any time I mentioned going to my moms, he grunted and blew me off. Yay!
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By DramaQueenukPremium member Comments: 34, member since Fri Nov 27, 2009
On Sun Aug 22, 2010 04:13 PM
Enjoy seeing your mom.
Eating out is fab with good food and conversation it can be a wonderful experience:)
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5930, member since Sat Jan 25, 2003
On Sun Aug 22, 2010 04:24 PM
In my opinion, no. Going out for dinner or something similar seems like more of a gift when your finances aren't pooled with that person in the first place. Besides, a gift shouldn't be picked up at Wal-Mart while your there to hear him complaining about the price! Way to guilt you out of getting what you wanted! The gift should have been pre-purchased and wrapped and presented when the time was right with no mention of cost.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By pondflyPremium member Comments: 1099, member since Thu Dec 24, 2009
On Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:24 PM
Happy Birthday to start off.
I don't have a SO so to me and at my age it's just another day.

That being said, I would say that a nice dinner spent either out, or a nice quiet one at home would be part, but not the whole package. A give from the husband unit would be in order and I'm glad that he did get you your ticket.
If I didn't give a gift, unless I had a plan in action I'd feel like an ass and also be a failure of being a good husband.

Now, if finances were a problem I may think differently, but I'd do something special, even if it were inexpensive to show recognition.

I'd be keeping your eyes open for the iPod for your anniversary or Christmas, whatever comes first.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Storyteller Comments: 19, member since Tue Sep 21, 2010
On Tue Sep 21, 2010 08:25 AM
Good question. I suppose it all comes down to intention; what is it intended to be, what kind of value to both the giver and receiver? As this situation is within the context of a relationship, it's the dialogue between you, that sets up its intended value, towards the hope of an actual value.

If there is a difference in value, then it must be taken into account by both parties, if not, then it's a convenience, not a relationship. The question always comes down to, what am I to you and how will you show it?

For me, I wouldn't class eating out as part of a birthday gift, from either point of view; it can go towards the feeling of something special or the expectation of something but as a highlight it would be missing the point.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By Tittlemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2101, member since Sun Jun 19, 2005
On Tue Oct 05, 2010 09:37 PM
Edited by Tittle (133797) on 2010-10-05 21:41:07 oops!
I'm also going to say no. Birthdays were always a big deal in my house growing up as well. Heck, my sisters and I are grown adults and they are STILL a big deal in my family! Going out to dinner was always part of the "celebration" and not the present. It's like dinner was our birthday party where we received our presents. We always went to the birthday girl's choice of restaurant too, which was almost always much nicer and fancier than our usual spots.

oops i also didnt realize this was 30+! Feel free to delete
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By rincedragonflymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 4495, member since Sun Mar 20, 2005
On Tue Oct 05, 2010 10:23 PM
My opinion:

It's part of the present if it is stated beforehand and agreed upon.

It's NOT part of the present if it's an after the fact oh by the way that was your present sort of thing.

Example: My best friends' birthday is on Sept. 11. I was a horrible best friend and forgot to buy her something, so I called her on her birthday and said "hey, can I take you out to lunch for your birthday?" and she was totally cool with it. If I had taken her to lunch as a nice gesture, and then later on be like oh yeah that was your present, I would be a certified douchebag. Just sayin'.
re: Is going out to eat a part of a birthday present?
By TanitaFirstWorld Comments: 3, member since Tue Apr 13, 2010
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:39 PM
I believe birthdays should always be a BIG deal. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and we didn't celebrate our birthdays growing up, but I know in my heart I always secretly celebrated mine. Dinner can count as a whole or part of a birthday gift depending on who it's from and how it's presented. As a mom of 3 boys (11, 8 & 4) choosing a great restaurant kidless is a great present and I LOVE gifts so my husband knows to gift me something. It doesn't have to be extravagant, it can be a card, chocolate, flowers, a t-shirt, a pair of gloves, a sparklie hair barrette or a plane ticket to see mom! I love the thought of surprises and smiles and warm fussies over birthdays.....and yes I agree Type A's are totally good for balancing our us Type B divas!
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