Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By The_Awkward_Swan
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 05:45 PM

First, a little background info. I was going with this guy from October to December. It was short-lived, but intense, and he broke it off because of commitment issues. We tried to stay friends (at least, I tried), but I really wasn't over him, and he was used to being able to "distance" himself from his exes in the past. By "distance," I mean "completely avoid at all costs and never speak to again."

Anyway, the friendship did NOT work out. It took me until the last bit of February to fully get over him, but I did, and it was wonderful. We were still in all the same classes though, and he avoided me, so I just kind of ignored him. Not actively, but I was just like "eh, whatever."

And then, all of a sudden, I realized today that he de-friended me on Facebook. I was just checking a friend's status update, saw that he commented, went "hmm, wonder what's up," clicked his name, and was a little shocked to find that I was now unable to view his profile. And I think it was pretty recent, because I know I could still view his profile mid-March (not as though I was stalking him, I just remember checking it around then for the heck of it).

I'm not hurt. Really, I'm not. I'm just a little... disappointed in him? As a person? I don't know. It just made me a little sad that a person (anyone, really) would want so much to forget and to avoid someone else (abusive/extreme relationships aside). I don't know why, it just makes me think of those ice-cube trays; each cube in a separate, icy little compartment.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here. Validation? Agreement? Thoughts?

~The_Awkward_Swan

9 Replies to Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...

re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 05:58 PM
This just happened to me a few months ago, with an ex that I had been with for 2 and a half years. Yeah, that stung. Even though I was and am happily with someone else, it stung.

After saying some pretty nasty stuff to me, he came back and explained that it was just too painful to have "proof" via facebook that I was enjoying life with out him. Heck, even the fact that he couldn't handle the fact that I was happy stung.

For me, not having him on facebook is actually a good thing. I removed his friends, and I'm able to relax a little bit more about the fact that I'm in a relationship. The only funny part is that I have every privacy setting on my facebook on high-alert, but his is wide open. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't check it every now and then.. *blushes*

Keep in mind that not everyone view facebook the same way. Some people are friends with enyone and everyone. Some people are friends with people that they can't stand, just 'cause. Some people are a lot more selective, and only have people on their facebook that they talk to on a regular basis. Neither is write or wrong, it's just personal preference. Deleting you off of facebook doesn't make him a bad person.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's worth the energy to be upset about this. You guys dated (for a very short time), broke up, discovered that being friends wasn't going to work, and now you avoid each other. What benefit is there to being "facebook friends", exactly?
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 06:49 PM
To be honest if my boyfriend and I broke up, I know I would delete him off of facebook. Why? Well because it would help me get over him. If I still had him on there I would be checking whether he was in a new relationship or hanging out with people I know etc etc, and it just wouldn't be healthy. This is all hypothetical of course, but I know that's exactly what I would do, because it would help me move on.

I don't know if that's what he's doing, but all I'm saying is that there are legitimate reasons for defriending someone, and it doesn't mean were ice cubes.
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By emz027member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 07:01 PM
The same thing happened to me about a month or so ago. My ex and I dated for three years, and we've been broken up for about a year and a half. He went away at the end of last year on an exchange programme, and then deleted me from facebook about a month ago.

Even though we were talking after the breakup and wanted to be friends, he just suddenly cut all communication. As much as I'm over him, and I'm so glad we are not together anymore, it still bothered me big time. I guess I'm disappointed that it happened, but at the same time I'm glad to have him completely out of my life.

I guess that doesn't make much sense, but I just wonder, becuase we didn't have a bad breakup, how can you get rid of someone out of your life like that when they were such a huge part of it for years??
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 08:34 PM
Yeah, I would bet a lot of money that "distancing" himself is the only way he can successfully get over people, and that deleting exes from his friend list helps with that. I'm that way too--if I break up with someone, I HAVE to cut contact with them. I've tried a number of different ways to get around it, but I just tend to take breakups harder than other people might, and the best way to keep those emotions away from the ex (so as not to hurt them in my recovery process) is to not talk to or see them. So it could very, very well be that this is how he gets over people, and he's using his formula to get over you.
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By mrslovettmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 08:35 PM
Wow, nearly every detail of your story pretty much sounded like what happened to me a couple relationships ago. We only went out a couple months, but it was really intense. I don't actually know clearly why he broke up with me (he decided it would be good to do so over a text message... it was a sucky thing to do, but everyone has their flaws) so I didn't know the exact reason.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm over that guy (unfortunately, it took me a little longer -- more like five or six months) but I still really care about him. If he deleted me off Facebook now, though, I think I'd feel the way you do: not really angry or sad (maybe a little), but mainly disappointed. He cut me out of his life too, for the same reasons as your ex did. I tried to stay friends with him, but it didn't work out. I'm going to give it one more go though, since I have to work with him this summer at a summer camp -- if we can't be friends, I can't stay up there, and it's one of my favorite, most sacred places in the world. So we need to be okay together.

Anyway. What I was going to say was that I understand exactly what you mean. I know exactly where you're coming from & completely sympathize. So... even though I know it's not hurting you, if it ever does, know that you're not alone. There are other people going through the same experience. Sometimes just knowing that can help a lot.
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By TinyDmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 09:05 PM
Like everyone else, I can totally relate. It sucks yeh, but it has helped me to get over him because I can no longer view what he is up to. His whole family deleted me too, which I think hurt the most but slowly I'm coming to terms with it. Sucks, but maybe its his way of dealing
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 09, 2010 11:12 PM
Wow, I lived this! I dated my ex for about 10 months, breaking up in January 2009. We tried the friends thing. By about March, we were able to politely chat on occasion. He made a few uncomfortable remarks about us ("I know you better than anyone", "Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we'd done things differently," etc), so I politely distanced myself a bit. In May-ish, he drunkenly IMed me and poetically waxed on about what an awful person I am, then deleted me. In a way, I feel like it almost set back the process of getting over him, because it made me so angry (not so much the deleting as the mean conversation beforehand). I now can confidently say I am over him and ready to date again, but it still irks me that he deleted me (he's friends with every other ex, most of whom were way worse than me...one of them cheated on him with his best friend!), and I still pretty much dislike him to the point of hate.
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By onmytoez4evamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Apr 13, 2010 08:17 PM
I'm the "defriender" in this situation. While I get why it would sting to be on the other side, I generally don't understand the need to be friends on facebook when we aren't even friends in real life. I dated my ex for only 5 months but our breakup was awful - he essentially did it through myspace (this was back in the day) by deleting everything about me, then when I called to confront him and he didn't answer, he broke up with me through a text message. Ouch. We went to the same small college and within a week he realized I was heartbroken enough that I'd actually take him back so he used me. When I realized he had cheated on me and was already planning to move in with this girl, I said "See ya!" We were still Facebook friends and I would see his updates constantly so I deleted him as it was only making it more difficult to get over him. Now we're friends on facebook only because he won't accept my deletion of him after four years of not talking...... and a move across the country... and an engagement. So no, I just don't really see why it's necessary to be facebook friends.

Although I am facebook friends with my ex from high school that I dated for 2 1/2 years, but by the time facebook became big we had been broken up for 2 years and it just didn't matter anymore. We're just neutral.

So I really think it depends on the situation, but if it was a serious relationship and an intense breakup then it's probably best to just let go entirely. It may seem childish and hurt a lot, but he may just be one of those people that can't hold on at all.
re: Ex de-friended me on Facebook. Not hurt, but a little introspective...
By dancingdawg
On Wed Apr 14, 2010 07:16 PM
I understand the desire to stay friends, but the truth is most break ups are not amiable.

He might have hated getting on facebook and seeing your status or something.

At least you don't have to be reminded or have the temptation to stalk him.

Bottom line is if you are over him, it shouldnt bother you.

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