Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

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I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By nDsTwAnNaBe
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 04:40 PM

So I have been with "Michael" for about 10 months. I met him through some friends and I knew his sister in high school. Michael is 27 and I am 20. Michael has a daughter. His fiance isn't the baby's mom

He used to tell me I was so beautiful and how he's scared. He wold tell me all of the time how he was confused. This whole thing went on for 7 months. And then he proposed to his fiance. His fiance lives in another state.

Michael and his fiance don't live together yet. The best part is that Michael's daughter takes class at the studio I teach at. I don't teach her class but I am familiar with his daughter. Michael's fiance is moving down her fairly soon.

We are still carrying on some sort of a relationship. We talk everyday and it's apparent there is still an attraction there. I know Michael and I will never be together. He was the first guy I ever cared about. I think it was the fact that I couldn't have him all to myself made me want to be with him.

But, then I realize he is pulling stuff that I wouldn't put up with. I know I would be so upset if I was engaged to some guy who did that to me. But, then again I look over that fact.

Is there anyone else out there who has been in this situation? Do you have any advice?

73 Replies to I'm in a relationship with an engaged man

re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 05:23 PM
Omigosh, my only advice is to RUN as far as you can in the opposite direction.

You've got yourself tangled up in a very, very messy situation and I can't see any lick of good coming out of this. He seems like a complete slimeball, and I don't even know why you'd want to be a part of this.

You're right, he's never going to choose you. Doesn't the fact that he proposed to his girlfriend, after having been with you say anything?!

Someone willing to jeopardize things with his fiance and his daughter doesn't exactly seem like Grade A dating material. Get away!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Jodee_babesmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 05:27 PM
I second the run into a SPRINT!

If he REALLY loved/any feelings for you would he be engaged to her? NO!

How do you know there isnt 10 other women?

Does it not bother you that your not the most important girl in his life.

To be honest I'd loose him and tell her to worn her!

Why dont you do yourself a favour by moving on and then you can find a guy that loves and cares for you and makes you his number one :)

But I know what you mean you cant help who you fall for and if they give you a chance you take it. When I was in school my school crush who was in a new relationship kissed me it was vurtually impossible to say no. But I tell you 3 years on I regret making the choice to kiss him back so much lol!

Big hugss ({)

x
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By Incarnadinemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 05:33 PM
Yuck. He sounds like a douche and a butthole. (I can’t use the “a-word” here.)

My advice is to move on and find someone that doesn’t use you and that doesn't cheat on his future wife. Honestly, you can only move up from here.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 05:38 PM
Edited by LeSoulierVert (121625) on 2010-04-22 17:39:30
It sounds like you're suffering from low self-esteem. I know for certain the second I found out this guy was with another woman (let alone engaged), I would've run as fast as I could. Why? Because I know I deserve/could find someone actually worth my time, who would love ME and only me! It doesn't sound like you think you deserve that...

Don't hang onto this man out of desperation and loneliness. Get out of this space of clingy hopelessness, and make a life worth living.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By smileywomanmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 08:26 PM
What a manipulative scum he is! He is engaged to be married to someone else. You do realize he's sneaking around with you while being committed to another woman? YOU deserve better than that sleeze....so does his betrayed fiancee.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 09:20 PM
And if he'll cheat WITH you, what's to make you think he's not cheating ON you?
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By luceroblanco
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 09:24 PM
Two words: Dump him.

Any man in a relationship already who is cheating is not going to leave the girlfriend, wife or fiancee for you. If he wanted to, he would already have done so. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. You are young and I'm sure beautiful, nice and smart. Even if you are ugly and stupid you deserve better than this. You can find someone else. As someone else said, you can only go up from this. The only thing worse would be if he was a drug addict or abusive.

Dump him!!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Brittanymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 10:11 PM
You're so much better than this and I think the first step to conquering this problem is by believing that.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 10:23 PM
On top of all of that, put yourself in her shoes. Could you imagine the betrayal, to learn that your fiance had been cheating on you for months?! Could you imagine discovering, that while your fiance was down on one knee, asking your hand in marriage, he was with another woman.

Please, please, PLEASE get out of this situation.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By dancin_til_death
On Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:13 PM
I've actually seen this happen before and I know how this ends, and I am telling you to get out.

If you don't get out now, you're going to be hurt really badly. Its not just the general feeling of rejection you get after a break up either. On top of that its the utter betrayal of breaking all those dating rules you do believe in, and your part in causing a huge amount of upset to the third parties involved(aka his kid and his fiance).

Plus if anyone finds out what happened, you're going to be blamed, and it'll be remembered.

I can promsie you, you can do so much better, once you step out of this situation, you'll recognise how screwed up it is.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 05:57 AM
In the words of Mrs Green "Once a cheater always a cheater"

He's a slimeball and you and his fiancee deserve better than him.

I say get out of there before you get hurt anymore or anyone else gets hurt.

Helen
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By DeStijlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 06:32 AM
... so you're willingly continuing your relationship with an engaged man? Did I miss something? :?

Get out. For your sake, his sake, and her sake... and his daughters sake. None of this is fair, and it is within your power to stop it. You've just got to walk away.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Lauretta
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 06:48 AM
You can do so much better than this guy, but if you stay with him you'll begin to think otherwise. He's giving you nothing, so the longer you sit and take it, the lower your self respect is going to go. I hope you have some real life support to help you walk away from this guy, because I think it should be an urgent priority.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 5)
By Louisemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 07:25 AM
As someone who recently got engaged, I would just like to say that I'm pretty disgusted at you. I absolutely flat-out refuse to give you any sympathy for your "low self esteem" or how sad it is that you don't get to be with him or that he's never going to choose you. Sob, sniff. Get out now, not to save yourself any heartbreak but because you're doing a horrible, horrible thing. Yes, I'm disgusted at him as well, but he's not the one asking for advice.

I know I would be so upset if I was engaged to some guy who did that to me.

"so upset"? Understatement of the century. You'd probably lurch between uncontrollable rage and total devastation. "Upset"? LOL.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop it. Yesterday.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 08:03 AM
^Yeah...sorry, OP, but you don't really deserve sympathy here. You've put yourself in that "other woman" spot, and by doing that, you waive your right to any sympathy from me (and, I'm sure, the great majority of engaged women/women with sense). Kick his sorry, disgusting butt (because I can't say THE word) to the curb, and back away now with your tail between your legs. You don't really have a right to play the victim here--you're flirting with/hitting on/doing/whatever SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. SHE is the victim, not you.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 08:18 AM
She never called herself the victim.

Everyone deserves compassion, even if you JUDGE their actions to be wrong on your moral scale. If not, then all you are saying is that you are better than them, or more than them, separate from them and that just isn't true. Like you haven't done something, you would consider wrong. Did you not deserve kindaness, and help and compassion to get yourself out of it? Did judgment from other people feel like it came for a good place in their hearts or a place of resentment and lack of understanding?

I dont mean blind "Oh everything's okay, you're great, he sucks" kind of a thing, but more "Everything is going to be okay, but you know you have to change this relationship, because it is toxic" Sound advice without the intense emotional reaction which is basically screaming "You're bad, and I'm better, so stop being so gross!"
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 08:29 AM
^Where did I say I'm better than her? I didn't.

The "everything is going to be okay, but you know you have to change this relationship, because it is toxic" seems, to me, to put the blame on him. There's no "you are MAJORLY at fault here too" in that statement--it's just "honey, it'll be alright, don't worry, you can do it!" That would be perfectly fine if she weren't in the wrong, but she is, big time. When you knowingly put yourself in the "other woman" spot, you have to expect that a lot of women won't be sympathetic to your cause.

Comment #8981816 deleted
Removed by DeStijl (100082) on 2010-04-23 08:52:46 actually, its already been said. I'm going to pick my battles.

re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 08:57 AM
When you judge her, by saying her actions don't derserve sympathy (ie are not good, gross, deplorable, whatever you want to call it), you are saying you are more than she is, because you wouldn't do such a thing, and you wont relate to someone who did. It's subtle, but it's there. It's basically taking her actions out context and labeling them as separate and below you. AN example of seeing within context would be to realize there are always reasonsc for behavior. ALWAYS. (Hypothetical examples) Why is she doing this, well perhaps because she has low self-confidence, why did that arise, well perhaps her mother and father never made her feel truly loved as a child, and the list goes on and on. These reasons are not excuses, but they do allow us to see through a more compassionate lens, because all of our actions have a context, they are not just inherently disgusting or undeserving of our sympathy. Don't you want people to look at your actions within in the context instead of as a segmented event, labeled good or bad? I know I sure do!

Oh, and of course she's at fault for alligning with this man and carrying on the a relationship which is not beneficial to her life... that was implied in my response. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve sympathy, compassion, advice, help, whatever you want to call it without the emotional backlash from your own context! Ha

I'm certain people are labeling me now, reading this response, as self-righteous, but really I just look to find the context and see more to help me understand people's action, instead of resorting to the labels. I wouldn't want you to label/judge me, so I try my darndest not judge you (collective you). I mean can you imagine if that world actually lived by that? We would be so much happier and loving of each other, it would AWESOME.

Okay sorry for the hijack, I'm done. For realz.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Louisemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:07 AM
Why is she doing this, well perhaps because she has low self-confidence, why did that arise, well perhaps her mother and father never made her feel truly loved as a child, and the list goes on and on.

Oh dear.

Not every bad or misjudged action has it's roots deep in someone's miserable childhood. Not everyone who does something bad, does it because mommy and daddy didn't love them.

Sometimes, often, people do bad things because it's exciting, because it's forbidden, because they just plain want to. Sometimes people do it because they don't care who they hurt, because they themselves are the most important person in their world and to hell with everyone else.

I'm not saying that's necessarily the case here, but do we really always have to delve deep into someone's past and get them into therapy? No. Sometimes they just need a kick in the butt or a slap round the face and be told to sort themselves out.

If you want to take that as me thinking I'm better than the OP or anyone else, fine. You'd be reading way too much into it, but fine.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By SaraTheGrouchmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:09 AM
First off, he's using you. His fiance's out of town - who else is he going to sleep with? Just wait and see... when she moves into town, you're out. He may want to have his cake and eat it too, which wouldn't surprise me one bit, as he is the one currently cheating on his fiance and all.

But remember, it takes two to tango, my friend. You are equally guilty in prolonging this relationship that is a) hurting various people, b) based on lies and deceit.

Put yourself in the other girl's shoes. If she knew, or one day found out, you've pretty much wrecked her life. She's the victim here.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:13 AM
Sometimes, often, people do bad things because it's exciting, because it's forbidden, because they just plain want to. Sometimes people do it because they don't care who they hurt, because they themselves are the most important person in their world and to hell with everyone else.


These are all signs of something being wrong mentally. Plain and simple. This behavior doesn't arise from nowhere, everything has a cause. Basic scientific fact: all events have causes. This includes the events in peoples heads.

It doesn't have to be the Fruedian childhood theory, but childhood is where we learn our behavior, what is acceptable, what we can/can't get away with, what our parents do or dont do, so that's why I used that example, because it is important. The way your writing you comments, and I mine in this very thread, in some way stemms from the way we were raised. There's not way that couldn't be!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 1)
By DeStijlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:22 AM
Eh, I wasn't going to - but I am.

I can understand Louise's stance on this. Quit with the sugar coating. Underlying psychological issues aside (and there are a LOT of generous assumptions flying around in this thread.) - the facts have been presented by the OP herself.

She is KNOWINGLY continuing a relationship with an engaged man.
There is no excuse for that, and it needs to stop.
Thats the bottom line - We can wave our arms in pseudo sisterhood and we can pussyfoot around it all we like, but what else is there to this situation? Where are the grounds for compassion?

I hate this culture where its always the mans fault, and the woman is just a wounded fawn in his path of destruction :? In this situation, this particular woman needs to realize she is the other half of this equation.

Comment #8981865 deleted
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-04-23 09:27:35
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-04-23 09:31:12
Removed by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-04-23 09:51:58 I regret sharing my experience because I didn't intend to be psychoanalyzed, just wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it would help the OP.

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