Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

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re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:27 AM
Edited by LeSoulierVert (121625) on 2010-04-23 09:32:24
Where are the grounds for compassion?


The fact that she is a living and breathing human, who is just as complex and worthy of love as you are, as I am, as we all are.

That's all I'm saying, and I understand most people don't agree, and that's completely fine with me, but I just had to say something, because I want to live in a more compassionate world.

ALso Dani, I'm not saying any of this is outside of her control. She is completely aware of what she's doing, and it needs to change. Never did I imply that any of this was out of her control, but everything we do has context, and that is important to remember, so that we can relate, and be less judgmental. What you did does have a context. YOu didn't just do it because it was exciting, you did it because it filled some sort of internal need, that wasn't be dealt with in a healthy way. All of our actions arise from these needs, and YES, how we go about dealing with them is completely in our control.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By nDsTwAnNaBe
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:31 AM
Wow. I didn't imagine I would get this response. I'm glad there are people out there who are willing to give me advice. And I appreciate the advice. Maybe it is time I end things. It will be difficult but I realize the fact that he will never be with me when his fiance moves here. I have had some great times with Michael. We have a lot in common. But, I will find a better man who will treat me right and be better in bed than Michael.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:43 AM
ZOMG DUDE, why would you ever want to be with someone like that? How could you possibly think he could be good for you?!

Comment #8981906 deleted
Removed by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-04-23 09:51:04 Nevermind.

re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:54 AM
Thanks for sarcasm, MLM. I wasn't trying to offend you, or analyze, I know nothing about you except what you post here, so very little. I'm just saying everyone has desires, and we get ourselves into crappy situations when those desires are manifested in an unhealthy way. Example, the OP staying with this tool, because she wants to. Why does she want to? I HAVE NO IDEA, but she does want to, and that is a desire, just like you had the desire to stay with whoever you were with. I was analyzing the 6 billion people on Earth, not you dude!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:57 AM
Edited by jazz_lover (99333) on 2010-04-23 10:05:57
Before we all jump on the OP or Dani we have to remember that we all make"stupid" mistakes; when it comes to men. It is MUCH easier giving advice, then taking your own advice. I think that the ages of 18-25 is when young people make the most mistakes because they do not have as much experience in the dating world.

Hey, the original poster MAY suffer from Low self esteem, but who doesn't have traits of low self esteem? ( Lets all be honest here)It can be that you don't feel that you are smart, pretty, skinny enough, curvy enough etc.
When you find a man who makes you feel better about your insecurties, I bet that a lot of you girls will think that he is the best next thing since sliced bread. (Especially if you are young)

We all KNOW that it is bad to be sleeping/dating a man who is engaged in theory, but everyone thinks that they are special.
" Oh, the women MUST be a bitch, which is why he is seeing me"
" Maybe I am the one for him, and she is engaged to her for other reasons then love"
" If he was engaged to me, he wouldn't be cheating. It must be HER fault!"

So before we all jump on the OP or even Dani ( not many have yet), lets remember that it is NOT as easy to leave as we all think.

For a second OP, stop thinking about the OTHER girl. It really doesn' t matter what the third party is thinking, you aren't her friend and you don't have to waste your time thinking about how SHE would feel. You already have enough problems on your hand to even consider how the other girl is feeling. Take care of YOUR problems first. Heck, don't even think about how the GUY would feel, that would take you down a slippery slope.
" Well if I left him, maybe he WILL be stuck with the bitch and that will hurt him.I can't do that ot him since I love him"
" Well I feel bad for the girl BUT I like and care about myself more, so MAYBE it isn't such a bad thing that I am dating her BF."
" I care so much about the girl, that I am going to go tell her about what a slimeball he is!"

Oh and if you feel bad/guilty because you are "selfish" don't worry about it. Humans by nature act in their own self -interest. You aren't a "weirdo" for thinking about yourself before the other girls feeling.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By DeStijlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:01 AM
Edited by DeStijl (100082) on 2010-04-23 10:08:53 ya.
I get it. I get myself into crappy situations because I am unbalanced psychologists dream as well - however, this isn't psych 101. This is an advice board. :?

OP, you put a situation out on the table and asked advice. You're getting all kinds of practical advice in this thread, even from the people who aren't pandering to the sympathetic side of things.
LISTEN to everyone, weather they're sugar coating it or not; we're all telling you the same thing in the end.

Being loved isn't a right, its a privilege. You've got to earn it. You can't earn it with another woman's husband. He can't earn it with someone who isn't his wife. The notion is absurd. You'll have to find it elsewhere. Note that I am not saying you're undeserving of it - just that you need to look in a different place.

I don't want to be accused of being cold on this issue. If I didn't care on some level, I wouldn't reply. Sometimes it isn't easy to leave, but sometimes its hard to accept someone's actions if its a sore spot for you as well. everyone has got a story, and everyone sees an issue differently. Those who've ever been cheated on aren't going to have the same tolerance for 'the other woman' that others may have.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:12 AM
^Hey! Stop being worried about being "cold" on a issue. :) Sometimes the most "cold" person is the most helpful at times . My theory for this is that they aren't emotionally involved with it, and they are able to look at it from a third party and give the best advice out there.

It is VERY VERY hard to give advice that is not- emotional if you have ever been cheated on.

So stop worrying about being cold, and freeze the earth baby!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By kandykanePremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:17 AM
OP, it isn't a crime to fall in love. Love chooses us, we don't choose who we love. So, that part is understandable. Ok?

"Michael" does not deserve either of you. He's doing both of you wrong. I feel sorry for the woman who ends up with him. Ditch him now, before you get in any deeper. It will hurt, but not near as much as what could come later. Imagine if the fiance found out and decided to show up at your dance studio for a showdown. That would be awful, wouldn't it? Your reputation would truly suffer.

If in some way you DID end up with him, he would do the same thing to you. Save youself.

kk~
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:43 AM
nDsTwAnNaBe wrote:

Wow. I didn't imagine I would get this response. I'm glad there are people out there who are willing to give me advice. And I appreciate the advice. Maybe it is time I end things. It will be difficult but I realize the fact that he will never be with me when his fiance moves here. I have had some great times with Michael. We have a lot in common. But, I will find a better man who will treat me right and be better in bed than Michael.


ZOMG, are you kidding right now? He's engaged, he's got a kid, he treats you bad, and he's bad in bed, and you're still with him anyway?!

How many "OMG, THIS IS THE WORST IDEA EVER!" flags does someone need to throw in your face before you get the hint already?!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By nDsTwAnNaBe
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:56 AM
You do have a point but its more difficult because we have the same friends! Like other people have said before on here, you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not in love with him anymore but I do still care about him. It may not seem like that right now but I know how I feel about him! I had to fall out of love with him because I know his fiance is moving down here soon and once she is down here, we are finished!
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:06 AM
Like other people have said before on here, you can't help who you fall in love with.


Girl, take some responsibility for your actions! Don't sit here and try to convince us that you are helpless in this situation.

Sure, you feel like you have no control over your feelings for him - but you darn well have control over you ACTIONS. Don't wait until his fiance moves here - end things NOW.

Clearly, you know that this isn't the right thing to do - or else you wouldn't have made this thread. No one here has given you bad advice. Regardless of the way we're presenting it - we're all saying the same thing.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:19 AM
Edited by CienPorCientoPAZ (147923) on 2010-04-23 11:21:09
nDsTwAnNaBe wrote:

You do have a point but its more difficult because we have the same friends!

Oh no, things will be awkward for a while. And? Sorry, but now you're making up excuses, and you can't do that after you post asking for advice (and after saying "Weeell, yeah, you're probably right"). I have a lot of mutual friends with my most recent ex, and I actually booted him out of my life no more than 36 hours ago. Was it awkward when I told one of our mutual friends what happened, and to not bring him up to me anymore? Sure. Will I survive? Yes. Am I better for what I decided to do? HELL yes.

Like other people have said before on here, you can't help who you fall in love with.

Maybe not, but you can help who you decide to date. :?

...once she is down here, we are finished!

If I were you, and if I wanted to save any kind of dignity at all, I would be "finished" NOW. Waiting for her to come down is, once again, an excuse.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By MarlaSingermember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:22 AM
Edited by Jonelle (199601) on 2010-04-23 11:23:06 blah, needed to add another caret
^^^I'm not sure what you're getting at here. You have the same friends so it's hard to leave him because they all think you're so great together? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that they'll probably think differently when his FIANCEE shows up. Good grief, save yourself some face and break things off before everyone finds out that you've been carrying on an affair with an engaged man. I mean, they're going to find out anyway, but at least if you break it off now you'll look like you have at least a little bit of sense, rather than that you waited until the last possible moment to break it off because you HAD to. I'm not even going to get into all the reasons that what you're doing is wrong, because you already know that it's wrong, and yet you're still with him, so obviously that alone is not reason enough to convince you.

P.S. The psychobabble on this thread is driving me crazy. I am allowed to say that what the OP is doing is wrong BECAUSE IT IS. No, that does not mean that I think I'm better than her. I have done things wrong in my life too, and in fact I've cheated on partners before. What I did was wrong, and what she's doing is wrong, and the longer she lets it go on, the more wrong it is, period.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By TamarinPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:22 AM
Why once she is down there? Why not today? I understand putting off a breakup, I've done it myself, but putting this off is just going to drag out your feelings of guilt. Those feelings will only get worse, especially when his fiance arrives. If you end it now you can at least know you did the best thing possible in this situation.

Just for emphasis let's break down why you should end it now:
1. He's engaged
2. He has a kid, who can only be hurt by this
3. You no longer love him
4. He's using you because his fiance is out of town
5. You're going to end it when his fiance gets there anyway
6. He doesn't fulfill you sexually

Any ONE of those would be reason enough, but there are at least SIX. The only reason you've given for staying with him is that you have the same friends. That's not a reason to stay with someone. That can be a reason to be friendly to someone, even to be friends with them, but never to be in a relationship with someone.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:26 AM
Wow, I'm gone for one day and look at all the drama!

We can go into the whys and all that, and think deeply about the reasons, but really in the end none of that matters. OP, what you are doing is wrong. What the fiance is doing is wrong. Doesn't matter WHY you are doing it, just stop doing it.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By nDsTwAnNaBe
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:31 AM
I'm not saying he doesn't fulfil my needs. In fact, he does. But, I was saying I will find another guy who will do it even better than Michael does. I hope none of yall get in the situation I'm in. Its difficult to say no. I have to gather the courage to say no! I haven't gathered the courage yet. The advice I have gotten has made me think twice about my actions and why I kept letting it go on for this long.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man (karma: 10)
By AlwaysOnStagePremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:09 PM
When you're 3 years old and your parents tell you not to jump on the sofa, you KNOW you shouldn't. But you're 3, and it's so much fun to jump on the sofa. So when no one is watching, you start jumping. After the cool feeling happens for a while, you jump wrong, and land face-first on the coffee table.

I'm going to make a flow chart.

Knowing You Shouldn't Jump on the Sofa
.....||
.....||
.....||
....\../
.....\/
Jumping on the sofa because it's fun
.....||
.....||
.....||
....\../
.....\/
Feeling Cool because you're jumping on the sofa
.....||
.....||
.....||
....\../
.....\/
Falling face-first into the coffee table.


You are now at the "Feeling Cool because you're jumping on the sofa. The INEVITABLE, GOING TO HAPPEN, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WANT IT NOT TO HAPPEN, next step is you falling, face-first, into a coffee table. The only way to prevent that is to break it off now, and stop jumping on the freaking sofa. I know it feels cool, I know you WANT to keep jumping, but if you keep jumping, the coffee table will be introduced to your face swiftly and it'll suck even more then.

I don't care if you like him or even love him. You can either take the hurt now, or take MORE hurt later, plus hurting him and his fiance, and possibly other friendships that are indirectly involved. Suck it up: we've all had to do something we didn't really want to do, because it was the right thing to do. It's your turn. Stop making excuses and do it.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By kandykanePremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:42 PM
^ Yeah, the only possible way for you NOT to fall on that coffee table is to move the table. But when the guy proposed to the other girl, that was your clue that the coffee table ain't moving.

Avoid the trip to the emergency room and the long, long recovery period and the inevitible scars. Stop jumping on the couch.

kk~
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:52 PM
nDsTwAnNaBe wrote:

You do have a point but its more difficult because we have the same friends! Like other people have said before on here, you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not in love with him anymore but I do still care about him. It may not seem like that right now but I know how I feel about him! I had to fall out of love with him because I know his fiance is moving down here soon and once she is down here, we are finished!


So you're dating a married guy because you have the same friends? Well that sounds...strange. So, you live in a town of about 5 people then, yes?
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By nDsTwAnNaBe
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:55 PM
Theresa wrote:

nDsTwAnNaBe wrote:

You do have a point but its more difficult because we have the same friends! Like other people have said before on here, you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not in love with him anymore but I do still care about him. It may not seem like that right now but I know how I feel about him! I had to fall out of love with him because I know his fiance is moving down here soon and once she is down here, we are finished!


So you're dating a married guy because you have the same friends? Well that sounds...strange. So, you live in a town of about 5 people then, yes?


I do live in a small town. He is not married. Just engaged. I'm not dating him because we have the same friends. Its just an excuse why I've been holding off calling it off. We aren't sexaully active together anymore. But, everytime we hang out I know he wants to kiss me and I just can't do that anymore.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 01:30 PM
Dude, it is SO past time to break it off. Don't wait for his fiancé, don't wait because you have mutual friends...stop making excuses (which you admit are excuses, btw) and just DO it. :?
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By SaraTheGrouchmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 01:53 PM
Do you think it's going to be any easier to break things off or stop caring about him when his fiance gets to town?
Let me tell you, it won't. Just stop. Seriously. This one guy isn't the end of the darn world.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 08:59 PM
Do you have to "break up" with him? Can't you just stop answering his calls and texts and avoid him? Breakups are too drama filled for me, and it isn't like you were in an actual "relationship" ( I assume).
Just stop hanging out with him and answering his calls.
re: I'm in a relationship with an engaged man
By Brittanymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 23, 2010 09:28 PM
He is not married. Just engaged.


Makes no difference. He is taken, back off.
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