Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Allymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 11, 2010 08:22 PM

Like title said, is it bad form to not attend one? One of my best friends is getting married and I am a bridesmaid and I really really don't want to go. It is planned for late July and thinking about it already gives me anxiety. As many of you know, I have severe anxiety problems as well as some other mental health issues but it is well controlled with medication. However, the thought of attending this makes me ill. We are going to Little Rock and going club hopping then stay at a hotel. I don't enjoy drinking, I don't like being around drunk people, I don't like loud music, I don't enjoy being around people I don't know. There are two other girls going that aren't in the bridal party so there would be, including me, 5 total. I don't know what to do. The bride is super laid back and chill, but I don't want to offend her in any way or alienate myself. I am organizing her shower and basically doing the duty of maid of honor.
Help ladies!

18 Replies to Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?

re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By MissErinDmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 11, 2010 08:34 PM
If you're that anxious about it, I'm sure she'll understand. I'm assuming she knows about your anxiety issues so maybe take her out to coffee and explain how you're feeling.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 11, 2010 08:36 PM
Tell her the truth. "I love you, and I want to be there to enjoy your night with you, but crowds give me tremendous anxiety attacks, and I don't want to ruin the night for everyone else. So I've decided that I just can't go, and I'm so sorry." You can toss in a little self-depricating "And the idea of wrecking your night is giving me anxiety too!", if that's your flavor...
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By AlwaysOnStagePremium member
On Fri Jun 11, 2010 08:54 PM
Like the others said, you're a bridesmaid (assumably) because you're the bride's or groom's friend--and they won't want to give you anxiety attacks. If you feel conflicted about it, maybe think of a way you can participate pre-party...like taking them to dinner, or to a coffee-shop before. But, you shouldn't feel bad about it and they shouldn't fault you on it.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By dancin_til_death
On Sun Jun 13, 2010 05:05 AM
My first thought was along the lines of "if you were a friend you'd attend".

However considering your situation, I'd ring up the Bride and talk to her about it. Sounds like you'd get out of this friend duty without too much hassle.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By ChristinePremium member
On Sun Jun 13, 2010 09:33 AM
Since you're doing the shower, there shouldn't be a question about your "well wishes"

Bachelorette parties aren't mandatory. Theresa'a advice is right on. Talk to the bride privately, and don't explain yourself to the other bridal party members beyond, "doctor's orders".

Good luck with the shower
Keep On Dancing*
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Jun 13, 2010 11:58 AM
If she's as good of a friend as you say, I think she'd be more than happy to put your mental health above a night of girly debauchery.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Allymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jun 13, 2010 02:18 PM
I think I will call her and see what happens. Yes I am a bridesmaid and practically planning the shower, which is another annoying situation.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By MissErinDmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 01:03 AM
^ If you're able to meet up with her in person, I think that would be best. It will be more appropriate and she'll be able to see that you're sincere about your concerns. I know that around 'crunch time' brides tend to over react so if you see her in person she won't think you're flaking out.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 08:59 AM
Is she familiar with your social anxiety? If so, then she should (ideally) be totally cool with you missing out. I don't have social anxiety and I blew off Bridezilla's bachelorette party because I flat out didn't want to go. So I think your situation is way more justifiable than mine. :P

Plus you're planning the shower and that's a huge undertaking in and of itself.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Miss_Tami_Leemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:09 AM
I'm just going to go against the grain here because I don't know hw close you are with the bride. Disclaimer: I am not getting married anytime soon and do not have any plans to do in the future either.

I in all honesty would be hurt if one of my bridesmaids didn't come to my bachelorette party. Your bridesmaids are your closest friends, right? So going through my potential BMs, yes I would be upset if any of them didn't come. I'm not saying you should let go of all your morals (not liking drinking, clubbing etc.) and you obviously can't get rid of your mental issues, but when you agree to be a BM don't you agree to the whole package?
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By LlamaLlamaDuckmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:30 AM
I'm kind of mixed on this... on one hand I would have been a little hurt if one of my bridesmaids didn't go to my bachelorette, on the other hand I understand why you don't want to go.

Is there any way that you can attend part of the evening? Maybe a dinner beforehand or something of that nature, that way you can at least be a part of some of the evening?

I don't know how bad your social anxiety is but is it going to come into play on the day of the wedding as well?
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Soleil2213member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 03:59 PM
^I feel the same way. I understand your not wanting to go, but at the same time I would have been really hurt if one of my bridesmaids had skipped out on my bachelorette. It mostly boils down to the relationship you have with the bride, how close you all are, and how understanding she is of your anxiety. Is it something that she is well aware of, and knows how it will affect you? Or something that you keep on the quieter side. That may affect how she reacts.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Piano_on_Pointemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 06:05 PM
Edited by Piano_on_Pointe (209233) on 2010-06-14 18:06:37
Since you're one of her bridesmaids, I'm going to assume she knows of your anxiety issue? Just explain to her you can't go and that you want to but just the thought of all the people is already making you anxious. Do what Theresa said and throw in the "The idea of wrecking your night is giving me anxiety too" thing.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Allymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 14, 2010 06:30 PM
I'm going to get coffee with her tomorrow because I need to get the addresses for the people she wants at the shower and what food she want. While I am there I will just ask her about the bachelorette party.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By DanceJAMPremium member
On Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:00 AM
You should go for a short period of time (near the beginning when people are more likely to be sober !) then just excuse yourself and politely leave.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By Allymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:41 AM
Ok, so here is what happened. I met Brittney at Starbucks so I can get the addresses for the shower and chat.
Apparently she really didn't want a bachelorette party to begin with and it was other 2 bridesmaid's doing. So we are going to go to this really nice area of Little Rock and have dinner then I'll hang out with them at the hotel then head home once their night of debauchery begins. It went really well. She was happy about it.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Jun 16, 2010 02:01 PM
Glad to hear it worked out!

Just to hijack a bit, I wouldn't want a bachelorette party either. I think it's stupid. I'm nowhere near getting married, but I'm going to make it abundantly clear that I don't want one. I want a destination (hypothetical) wedding anyway, so it would be impractical.
re: Bad form to not attend Bachelorette Party?
By madseasonPremium member
On Wed Jun 16, 2010 06:17 PM
^ Ditto. Sorry to hijack too but I'm getting married soon and I DO NOT WANT a bachelorette party. I am making this very very clear to everyone and hoping no one thinks I am 'just saying that.' I want a casual dinner with the girls and maybe some shopping but that is all- and I will plan it and invite people. My treat. I hate the very idea of the social-anxiety nightmare a bachelorette party at a club or bar would be.

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