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breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 21, 2010 08:20 PM

I was in a relationship with my ex for two and a half years. I love him with every ounce I have in me.

Towards the end, things got rough. He was working a lot and never felt like talking. We are in a long distance relationship, and talking was our daily thing. We had phone dates at 10pm every night and texted mostly throughout the day. I will admit to things getting bad because of me. I bugged him with texts while he was at work, etc. I drove him away and it's all my fault. I blame myself every day.

Long, long ago he always in the beginning talked about his ex. Well when I came a crossed her on facebook, I found out she wasn't at all who he said she was.

I confronted him where he said we were over. At first he said I needed to grow up. I was still young. I was clingy, I never gave him space. I pestered him constantly. He was done with me. He told me he would come back in a few months when he though I had grown up some. Before he hung up, he said I love you. About 10 minutes later he called me, and said it was best if I just forgot about him. Never to call or text him again. And this was the way it was going to be.

Ever since that day, two weeks ago. He refuses to answer my calls or texts. I am heartbroken. I just want a final chance, or even a goodbye. I want closure. Every day since I have cried. After the break up, I tried contacting him. We have had our "breaks" and we always talk the next day. While trying to contact him, he refused to answer me. He won't. Every day that goes by just keeps getting harder. I just want him to answer me. I don't know what I can do to get that. It will be two weeks Wednesday, and I haven't tried contacting him since Saturday. I'm honestly lost and don't know what to do.

I need help. I love him. I just want him back.

30 Replies to breakup blues...I need help.

re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 21, 2010 08:53 PM
First of all, I'm so sorry this has been such a crappy ordeal for you to deal with, and everything I'm saying is coming from THE most loving and understanding place possible. I had a very similar breakup with one of my exes.

You need to stop contacting him. He will not answer you, and even if he does, you will not get what you want. Think about it: you want him to come back to you, to erase everything like it never happened and go back to the way you were, right? Now, how will repeatedly calling/texting/trying to contact him accomplish that for you? :? It sounds harsh, but I'm not trying to be that way, and I hope you know what I mean by saying all that. He will not give you what you want, period.

So after you come to terms with that--look at what you're left with. What can YOU do now? (Because in reality, you are the only thing you can control in this situation.) Well, you can't go backwards, because he won't and probably shouldn't be coming back to you. You can't stand still, because being heartbroken forever is too much for anyone to sanely handle...so you move forward. It's not going to be a quick movement, and it's not going to be a simple or easy one either, but your only choice here is to move forward with your life and yourself.

I can give you more detailed/better support if you want it (just PM me), but that's sort of a general overview of what I told myself after a year or so of breakup issues. Basically, remember that your time can be for YOU now, and no one else. Right now, you're going to look at that in a painful way, no doubt, but eventually you'll be able to see it as a positive thing. Once I was in a place to start seeing time with myself as a good thing, I ended up so happy with my situation that now, I don't want a relationship--I want to spend more time with myself.

Just keep moving forward, and you WILL get there in time, I promise.
re: breakup blues...I need help. (karma: 1)
By ScotchGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 21, 2010 09:34 PM
^That is really great advice.

One thing I'd like to say is that, unfortunately, not every relationship has closure.

Both of mine didn't, and although it was really hard at the time (I wanted to badly to say everything that was on my mind) I got through it.

Hope you feel better. You'll get through it.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By puredancer
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 06:36 AM
GIVE HIM SPACE!!!!

You said yourself he though you were clingy and pestered him and never gave him space.

CatoMatay wrote:

. I was clingy, I never gave him space. I pestered him constantly.


Just let him have time to himself.
My current boyfriend and I broke up a while back and the best thing for me to do was just let him live his life without me. Sure, it was hard. and I had even felt the whole thing of it being my fault and I pushed him away. So, constanly calling and texting would have only made things worst.

He had a month to be single, live his life witthout me, go out and drink with the guys, and just see where he was in life.

Maybe that's all your guy needs, some time!
Let things be and work out on their own.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 07:59 AM
Thank you all so much.

Since Saturday, I haven't tired to contact him, and the days just seem to keep getting longer. I feel I'm going to hurt myself by expecting him to come back when he's ready and he just won't. I don't know.

I'm trying to take every day that I can, but when it comes to ME time. I just see his face. Hear his voice. It gets hard.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 07:59 AM
Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Now put the phone down.

You say you want an answer. He's giving you one. You've clinged and pressured him right up out of your arms (I'm grabbing the words "clingy" and "pressure" because both of you used those words to describe your behavior), and he doesn't want that. Nobody does. You don't want to DO it, any more than he wants to be on the recieving end of it. You know you don't - you've probably got 1,000 things that are more productive to do than to call him every five minutes, right?

But you're getting an answer. He's done. He's tapped out. Nothing left to say. So every time you fratically call or text, and you get sent straight to voice mail, or your text never gets answered - consider that your answer.

Breakups are terrible, especially when your the dumpee, but as long as you desperatly keep hitting redial, you're not giving your brain and your heart to heal from any of this. You're not mourning the loss, if you will.

So put the phone down, allow yourself to grieve for the relationship, and move forward. No question it'll suck, but you'll come out of it better off. :)
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 01:40 PM
I know that every aspect of our relationship was MY FAULT. And that kills me.

I try to keep busy the best I can. I keep away from my phone. Away from anything really that drives me to him. I guess my main problem is I see it as he will come back, but deep, deep down I know I'm hoping and dreaming for something that won't happen. That kills me.

We have had breaks. We have given each other space, but this is the longest. And I think I just keep thinking it's like the other times. Don't talk for a couple days, come back and try again.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Nayeli
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 02:06 PM
I understand that you are clingy and all, but not every aspect of the relationship failing was your fault. And don't let him make you believe that it was. You just weren't compatible. Don't blame yourself. Unfortunately the other posters are right-you may never get closure and the sooner you accept that the better off you will be. There will be a guy in the future that embraces you as you are. Learn from this, no guy wants to be texted 100 times a day but there is a guy that wants to be in a relationship with you. Move on as hard as it may be and find something productive to do in the mean time.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Rosiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 03:01 PM
i definitely know what you're feeling in general...i think a lot of people do. one thing my dad has taught me growing up is that things like this can only heal over time. i know you want to go back and change things and beg him to come back and try to fix it but you can't. it's impossibly hard to face that i know, but the only way you can start to feel better is to give it time. try really hard to distract yourself with other things...hang out with friends, watch movies, read books, go for a walk with your dog, etc. after a really really long time, it'll start to get less painful.

good luck, and just know that i know how you feel and i know many others do. you can get through it!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 03:33 PM
do you think in time, he'll come back when he's ready?
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Hasana
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 03:54 PM
Edited by Hasana (163793) on 2010-06-22 15:57:18
First off, I want to say I'm sorry you have to go through this. Breakups really reallllly suck.
And as everyone else has said, you should stop calling, texting, talking in any form to him. But what concerns me is this:

CatoMatay wrote:

I know that every aspect of our relationship was MY FAULT. And that kills me.


No. Every aspect of your relationship was not your fault. A relationship involves two people, and each is responsible for what happens in that relationship. I think that when you say you are clingy, or you never give him space, or you pester him constantly, you're using his words. It makes it seem like he's told you that you're clingy or whatever so many times, that you've come to believe it. You can't "drive someone away" unless they're choosing it.

A few months ago, I went through a pretty bad breakup. I've spent waaaay too much time wondering if I hadn't said that thing, or done that thing maybe he wouldn't have broken up with me. But I was just kidding myself. He would have. We weren't compatible at all, and I refused to see it. If you want more details or anything, you can PM me.

I guess my point is: don't blame yourself. The end of this relationship is not on your shoulders. He played an equal part in this breakup.

And I don't know if he'll come back when he's ready. He might. But I think you should start assuming that he won't, and that's okay. You can move on in your life without him.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 03:54 PM
No, girl. I'm sorry, but he is done with a capital D. He's not coming back, period, and if he does, it'll be better for your own sanity if you stay far away.

You can move forward here, but you have to be willing to actually do it. The longer you sit on this and make yourself feel that it was always all your fault, or that he'll come back in time, the harder it's going to be to let this go.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 04:41 PM
do you think in time, he'll come back when he's ready?


In short, no.

He's told you everything he's going to tell you by his silence. He doesn't need to talk to convey his message. He's out, done, finished, stick a fork in him. He's not coming back. You would do well to accept that now and start healing.

I was the clingy, pathetic, obsessive dumped girl. I called him all the time. I emailed him all the time. I did everything I could to get his attention and maybe make him change his mind. Worst decision I ever made. You know why? Because it took me twice as long to heal. If I'd just bitten the bullet and stopped contacting him, it would've hurt more the short run. I would've been better in the long run, though.

I know it sounds impossible right now, but you CAN do it. You CAN put the phone down and find something else to do. Go out with your girlfriends. Read a book. Watch a movie. Learn a new hobby. Play Farmville. Do anything to keep yourself busy. The more you can stay busy, the less time you'll have to think about the break up.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 22, 2010 05:27 PM
CatoMatay wrote:

do you think in time, he'll come back when he's ready?


No, baby, I don't. He's not ready, he's not going to be ready, he's not coming back. He's done and finished. Gone.

Stop thinking that this is your fault. The longer you go "This is my fault, and if he just comes back, I'll do better!", the more it's going to hurt when he never does.

When that part of you (the "He's going to come back, and I'll do better!" part) starts piping up, and going "Cato, he's gonna come back, and it's gonna be so great, and it's going to be like he never left!", your instinct is to go "Yeah, you're so right!"

You have to stop. Stop, and go "No. That chapter in my life is over now. I can't go back to that. I have to go forward.", and hold your head up high, and do that. Go forward.

No question it's going to suck. Especially if the events you've detailed in your diary come to pass, but you can do it!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 24, 2010 01:31 PM
Thank you everyone for your replies. Even though your words were hard to take in, I did everything I could.

The other night, I caught up with an old friend. A friend who my ex drove me away from. He made us drive away from each other and played us against one another. I just found this out after not speaking to her for a year.

As we got caught up talking, I found that he's been telling people we were broken up long ago, and she asked if he came running back to me. After asking what she meant, I found out he's a hypocrite. At that moment, that's when I said STOP crying, and START getting pissed off. And that I am.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Cienmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 24, 2010 03:06 PM
^Good! I'm so glad to hear you're moving out of that stage now. I know that for me, the only way I could REALLY start getting over my ex was when I got mad enough to stop trying to contact him. It was almost like being angry shocked me out of the wounded-puppy thing and made me realize that it was time to drop it and start healing. After that, it was more about letting go of the anger than making him come back, which was easier for me to do because I was focusing on me, not him.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 24, 2010 05:03 PM
CatoMatay wrote:

Thank you everyone for your replies. Even though your words were hard to take in, I did everything I could.

The other night, I caught up with an old friend. A friend who my ex drove me away from. He made us drive away from each other and played us against one another. I just found this out after not speaking to her for a year.

As we got caught up talking, I found that he's been telling people we were broken up long ago, and she asked if he came running back to me. After asking what she meant, I found out he's a hypocrite. At that moment, that's when I said STOP crying, and START getting pissed off. And that I am.


YAY! You go girl!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jun 26, 2010 08:22 PM
Thank you all again.

As the days go on, I'm slowly finding more and more out. And becoming more heartbroken. I'm in complete shock right now. As soon as I heard, I couldn't help myself and got sick.

He cheated on me, with the said girl he played us against each other. They dated for MONTHS. At this time, she never knew we were still together, because of the little tricks he played. He told her we broke up, and her and I werent talking. So, she though it was okay. They dated from AUGUST of last year, to JANUARY/FEBRUARY of this year.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm crushed.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By ShearLuxuryPremium member
On Sat Jun 26, 2010 09:11 PM
(((HUGS)))

I am so, so sorry to hear that, Cato. Your ex is many, many words that I can't say on DDN but am definitely thinking. I'm so sorry.

You are so much better off without this a-hole. He clearly hasn't respected you or your emotions, first with not showing you communication and making you feel as though everything was your fault, and now through cheating. You seem like a smart, kind woman, and you deserve a man who will stay by your side, physically and emotionally.

I'm thinking of you. Your story hits close to home, so if you need someone to PM, don't hesitate to drop me a message. You WILL move on slowly but surely, and it will get easier. Hugs!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:36 AM
Girls, I am stuck in a situation where I am very confused. I was moving on, I was getting over him, and after a week without trying to contact him he sends me a text yesterday saying he was sorry. I asked if he was ready to talk and he said yes. I told him I learned a lot. Into it he asked if I was still calling him a liar and I told him no. To that he hasn't replied back.


I'm so confused. What does he want?
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Shortgirl75member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:45 AM
He wants a toy. And he thinks you will take him back.

It's just going to happen all over again. Trust me- this isn't what you need. Or want.

Keep moving forward and forget about him. I am not saying you don't have the right to mourn and feel heartbroken, but staying active and not taking his BS will help.

Surround yourself with your friends. Go bowling. Go to movies. Go shopping, go out dancing. Rally the troops together and call up some old friends. Don't listen to his crap!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:47 AM
I'm just a little confused on why he apologized. He NEVER says those words.
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:28 PM
CatoMatay wrote:

I'm just a little confused on why he apologized. He NEVER says those words.


Because the other girl found out what a scum he is, and he needs someone that will take his crap. Going back to someone who's already proven her willingness to take his crap (ie, YOU) is easier than finding someone new who will do it, so right now he's playing the "I'll do just enough so that she feels bad and takes me back, then I'll go right back to doing what I was doing before" game.

Don't fall for it!
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 01:30 PM
The thing is we haven't even talked. He said I still called him a liar and said nevermind, then. He just left me very confused. I was slowly moving on. After he said nevermind, he stopped replying but earlier said he wanted to talk. Does he still want to? Is he done? What?
re: breakup blues...I need help.
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 01:39 PM
CatoMatay wrote:

Is he done? What?


Who cares? The only thing that matters is that YOU should be!

Dani
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