Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By Odessamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 09:12 PM

I originally put this in my diary but then I decided I needed actual, proper advice, not just advice from the folks who read my diary.

Cliff Notes for people who haven't been following the whole story:
Mark and I have been in an open relationship for almost five years, and since January I have been seeing (on a very casual basis) another boy, who I refer to around here as Second Boyfriend. He's been interviewing for a computer boffin job with an VERY well known internet company, and on Friday just past told me he got the job, and will be moving interstate to take it. I am more upset about this than I expected I would be. We've tentatively arranged for me to visit once he gets settled in.

Ok, so onto the question. I am going to see Second Boyfriend tomorrow evening (Wednesday), for another one of our usual dates, except this time I want to tell him how I feel. But the problem is, I don't know how I feel. I know I am not in love with him, but I certainly do really like him and he's been one of the high points of 2010 so far.

BUUUTTTT....I don't know what I am going to say to him tomorrow night. I guess I just want to explain that he's been one of the coolest people I have ever met and that I have really enjoyed his friendship and company, and that I hope he has enjoyed mine, and that I hope we can continue to enjoy each others friendship and company even though there'll be 877 kilometres between us. I guess I'd rather us be honest about our feelings now, than have him move away and not ever get to say my piece.

I am just afraid that when I tell him that he's kinda special to me, he'll go "actually, you weren't all that special", though all the evidence points to him also thinking I am something special to him.

So, is telling him I am pretty fond of him a good idea, or should I just let him go without having a heart-to-heart?

All opinions welcomed.

Erin.
::righteous babe::

7 Replies to Second Boyfriend Advice Needed

re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 28, 2010 09:25 PM
I think that if someone told me something nice like what you wrote, I'd have pretty hard time telling them: "actually, you weren't all that special". I think that's fairly unlikely to actually happen. Like you said, this may me your last chance to tell him what a positive part of your year he's been face to face, go for it.
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By Odessamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 29, 2010 06:58 AM
That's what I think too, but it's just this irrational fear that he's not as fond of me as I am of him. It's silly and I can't explain it, and I have NO REASON to believe he's not fond of me, but I kind of worry anyway.

I guess I am hoping that by getting this off my chest, I won't feel so sad anymore. If he wasn't moving away, I wouldn't even be considering having this discussion, and that's part of what's making me feel so jittery about it. I am worried that he's going to think I'm in love with him or something, but I am not, or that I am going to ask him not to leave, which I am also not. I just want to tell him he's going to be hard to forget and thank him for making my first half of 2010 so awesome, without coming across as a crazy person.

Blah. I feel like a teenager again.

Erin.
::righteous babe::
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By Anon1234567890member has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 29, 2010 08:26 AM
Do you have to have a conversation? Could you write it in a Congratulations, Good Luck or Sorry You're Leaving card instead? Bit cheesy/wimpy I guess but at least you get to say it without panicking. I know if it were me I'd probably get flustered and say the wrong thing and feel like a complete wet lettuce.
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 29, 2010 08:52 AM
I gave my opinion in your diary, but never hurts to reiterate.

I totally understand your fear of opening yourself up and being told "Yeah, I totally don't feel the same way". It hurts. I kind of had that happen with N. I was willing to become exclusive and he said he wasn't ready yet. It wasn't said out of malice or because I don't mean as much to him as he means to me. It was just a statement of fact.

I had the opposite happen with B. I was ready to say "peace, it's been real" and, in his own way, he told me that I was special to him. It totally made me lose my nerve and I stuck around. I think it's far more likely that you're special to him and he would appreciate hearing the same from you. Who doesn't want to hear that? Even if the feelings aren't reciprocated, and I don't think that's the case, it feels good to have someone tell you they care.

I would rather say it in person than a note. A note just feels a bit more impersonal to me. It's totally up to you, though. It depends on how likely it is you think you'll keep your resolve.
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By Odessamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 29, 2010 05:04 PM
Thanks girls. That's pretty much what I wanted - a little encouragement :)

Louise, I am going to give him a card and a little going away present, which I will probably write some variation of the sentiment in.

I am going out for chai latte tonight with my three dumped girlfriends (Kylie who's boyfriend dumped her last weekend, Josie who's boyfriend dumped her almost two months ago, and Paige who's boyfriend's visa expired and has to go back to Scotland), and after that I am going straight to Second Boyfriend's so a nice warm chai latte and a few glasses of wine and some quality best girlfriend time should calm my nerves and steel my resolve to do this thing.

I am not very good when it comes to expressing how I feel. When Second Boyfriend told me he was leaving I said "Oh, that makes me sad," in a kind of throwaway manner, and then we moved on to the next topic. So the idea of telling someone that they have been special to me is a pretty foreign concept, and I am just not sure how to go about it, which is why I am worried about coming across like a crazy person. Bleh.

Thanks again for your support. If anyone else would like to weigh in, please do :)

Erin.
::righteous babe::
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By dancin_til_death
On Sat Jul 03, 2010 08:31 AM
There is no way he'll be like, you weren't anything to me. Hello, that's an awful thing thing say, not to mention rude. So even if you didn't mean anything to him on any plane whatsoever, he wouldn't say it. Kinda like calling someone obese- fat, its rude, you don't do it. So like your first thought is epically girlish freaking out thinking.

You don't keep seeing someone who you don't like. Even on a casual level. You've got to be able to connect on some level to be able to maintain a the relationship you've maintained thus far.

You can connect deeply with someone, who it doesn't work out with. That's 100% okay. Its messed up, kinda funny, and it can hurt something bad. Its the stuff that makes books and movies worth reading. Its the reason why I, the screwball at relationships always has the most entertaining stories, no one wants to hear the nauseating happy couples speak.

I'm not sure if you've already had the talk or not. If you haven't then I'd describe him anything you like, just include the word friend in there. I don't think it lessens the relationship any, it just conveys the message that you are not thinking about him as in love.

It'll probably hurt for a while though, such is life.
re: Second Boyfriend Advice Needed
By dance4lanimember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jul 08, 2010 02:04 PM
I think it's nice to let him know how you feel and most chances are, if you've had this great connection, they he probably feels some fondness to you, too.
Just maybe say along the lines of 'I wanna tell you how I've been feeling the past few months, you don't have to say anything back, I just want to let you know.'
I did that once telling a guy how I'd felt and he straight away said he felt the same way. :)
Let us know how it goes!

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