Circle of Academic Life



Get comission for Essay. Write Essay.
Send Essay to boyfriend. Re-write essay.
Send Essay to Ph.D. Supervisor. Re-write essay.
Send Essay to editor. Write new essay.

Sigh.

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Empty Walls and empty bookshelves



..and lots of boxes. And bags. And suitcases. Although my boxes really do not look like the ones on the picture above.

Project: Move 2/2012 -> started!

My room is chaotic. No, scratch that, the whole flat is chaotic. We have empty shelves and cupboards, and we're drowning in things. Apparently I don't own a lot, but for me it's already enough. I spent the whole evening and the better part of the night taking pictures down and wrapping them up, packing books in bags (oh, why do I own so many books?) while at the same time talking to Ann who was in her room next door, packing her stuff up, too. In the end I was so tired that I unpacked the guitar again, plonked myself on the ground and serenaded the chaos.

Tomorrow is "Day X". Ann's boyfriend will come with a van, load up my stuff and bring it to my new appartment. Daisy will come and bring her car (lucky me, to have friends who own cars!), and in the afternoon Cathy will stop by and help, too. And since both girls are really good when it comes to doing stuff with their hands I'm confident that by tomorrow evening I'll have a new home. Although I'll spent the night in the old appartment on the floor, and use Sunday morning to prep for our "House Cooling-Party" - cakes and sparkling wine, anyone?

Empty walls feel weird. Packing up stuff.. Although it's getting easier evey time you do it. Ann is really sad because she had lived there since six years now. Since I'm constantly on the move anyway I'm not attached to that place, at least not a lot. I liked it there, and we had a good time. I'll like the new place and I'll have good time there, too.. so I'm all relaxed. Still - it's so much work!

Stack of books beside our beds
Living out of boxes
Why does the empty space fill with dread
Why does change still shock us?

Where would you be right now
If all your dreams had come true?
Deep down I know somehow
I'd have never seen your face
The world would be a different place
Darling, you can never know
Which way your heart will go..
- Mason Jannings: Which Way Your Heart Will Go

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From my point of view



Ludovico Einaudi - Divenire. Live from the Royal Albert Hall

{Picture taken 27/1/2012}

Chaos



I couldn't resist to break the routine and post on a Sunday. Surprisingly my internet workes again, although it was dead last night. Sigh. Now I'm on my bed, which is the last remaning piece of furniture in this apparment, and the one giving me the worst headache right now. Sigh. I already sold it last week to a girl, and she was due to come and pick it up today. Last night(!) she emailed me telling me that she didn't want it anymore. NOOO! How should I get rid of it? In panic I mailed all the other ones who wanted to have it, and now recieved one respons. She only wants the matress, but I told her that she can have it for free if she takes everything. Keep your fingers crossed that it'll work out and I'll get rid of the bed.

Otherwise all my stuff is in the new appartment. It's already looking really nice, although I of course found one or two things I didn't really like. But that's okay. It's warm there and cozy, and if I already had internet (which I won't have until the 6th!) I'd already be there. Oh, well. The second reason for me being here is the bath tub! We carried so much stuff around yesterday, and now my arms hurt. (Sissy!)

Now I'll get up and treat myself to my last breakfast here, before I disappear into the tub. I wish it was next weekend and all this chaos already gone. The bed, the bed is giving me a headache..

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Sunday Picture



{Picture taken 29/1/2012}

Words for the Week



Hey Ann - I'll miss you! Thanks, a lot, for everything. It was splendid.

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All that stuff



I own too much stuff. Books. I own to many books. Why do I have six chairs? I don't even have that many friends (Lie!). Oh, the things that I have! And the things that I do not have: space to pack my kitchen stuff. Places to put all those teacups. Places to put all these teaboxes. And coffee makers. And sugar. Salt. Spices. Silverware! Oh, gosh. Help, someone!

The first night in the "Castle" is over, and it felt good. I didn't have internet last night (eeeeeeek!) and thus spent the night unpacking boxes, trying to figure out where things should/could go. I almost forgot to eat dinner because I couldn't force myself to sit down at the table with all those unpacked boxes and bags. Oufz. There is still much stuff lying around, especially since I needed to reconvert one bookcase into a kitchen-shelf - it now holds my cups and plates. I don't know where I'll put the food just yet, but that will work out (somehow). Daisy promised me to pick me up Saturday afternoon and take me to IKEA, so I can buy some stuff there. Very well.

Besides that the first night was blissfully calm. No noise besides the low humming of the fridge, and the chime of church bells. After living in a very loud appartment complex for two years it was beautiful to sleep in silence. Leaving the house I saw all the tress covered in a thin layer of snow, and the bells were ringing again (I need to leave the appartment at 8.15 to catch the 8.20 train, and the bells are my signal to go. Isn't that lovely?). So, yes, I started to feel quite at home. Saturday I'll celebrate with Callie, Cathy and Daisy. Yay.

Oh, and Internet! Kates' boyfriend, who works with computers, gave me a portable router to use at home. How awesome is that? I'll officially get connected next week, but until then I can use his miracle-thing.. Hopefully it'll work. I'm so damn addicted to the internet it's not even funny anymore (just that it is!).

Move 2/2012: done!

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All in white



..and now, finally, winter is here. It snowed all day yesterday, and today the world is covered in a tiny layer of white. It looks quite nice, especially now that the sun is shining. Plus is really cold outside and everybody is complaining. Weather forcast says - 10 on Friday. Alex only laughed about that - Moscow is about - 23 right now! I still think that it's not that bad, if one dresses according to the temperature. Since I moved to the Castle I need to walk down the hill to get to the train station, and I enjoyed the walk this morning. Going through the chilly but clean air, listening to the birds, watching the snow on the trees.. It's a good way to start a day.

The excitement of the move started to cool down, and another realisation kicked in: OMG, I'm drowning in work. Like, really. I need to write the paper for Leeds 2012, and finish a couple of smaller things. And then my own stuff - writing a paper, an essay, preparing my trip to Italy, and somehow I should really start to worry about my financial situation.. Ouch.

Positive things: My Mom gave me a Kindle! Amazon told me that it will arrive today, yaaaaaay. I can't wait to try it. I already have my eye on a couple hundred books, and knowing that I won't have to move with them (packing books in boxes is probably the thing I hate most about moving) and can even carry as many of them as I want with me when I'm going to Italy makes it even more amazing. I've already planned to sew a sleeve for it. I'll buy the fabric later today and then work on it tonight. Craft project, here we go!

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I like



My new appartment - the 'Castle' (Okay, that one was obvious.. Or not? I'm really suprised how quickly I got used to that place and how easily it turned into something that belongs to me.) + Kindle! And all the million free eBooks. Woooooot. Amazing. + Preparing for the house-warming feast on Saturday + I'm invited to the biggest Medieval Conference in Europe, and they mailed me yesterday and asked if I wanted to attend the "Medieval Feast" and the "Craft Fair & Workshops". Yes, please! Let's see what my supervisor says about this.. + My pink cashmere scarf. + Suprise calls from Alex. Love! I miss him. + The portable Mini-Router Kate's boyfriend gave me. Genius. + Butter cookies & Chai tea + Arroz con leche-Cake + Weleda Skin Food Cream & Dr. Hauschka Rose Cream = saves my skin in this weather.. + my new black stirrup Capezio tights + Winter sunshine + Green sparkly earrings + Sleek "Rose Gold" blush + Warm wool sweaters



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In the Dark



What a wonderful evening I had! I called my Mom, Alex, Callie, sat relaxed, read a bit, then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. On the way there I put my heating cherry pillow into the oven, and went on my merry way. Thinking about nothing in particular, brushing my teeth, already getting into my night rout - BAM! Total Darkness.

What the hell..?

Streetlights outside were still on, so it was clear what had happend - the fuse had blown. Awesome. Imagine me wandering through that sudden darkness, running against chairs, walls and doors, searching for the fuse box. Using my cell phone as a flashlight I found it, and spent ages fiddeling around. Then, heureka! Light.

The culprit was identified quickly: The oven. Damn. I need to bake a cake tonight and a foccacia bread tomorrow - that stupid thing should better work! My Landlord will come in today and look at it. I met Nessa, his wife, this morning while getting the newspaper and she promised to tell him and send him over. And if everything fails I'll be allowed to bake my cake in their oven. Pheeew.

I need more light. (And warmth - while talking with Nessa my still damp hair froze. Eeek.)

The Killers - I can't stay (in the dark)

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Look what I got



Happiness is ink on paper. Uhm, screen.

{Picture taken 2/2/2012, my office}

Sunday Picture



{Taken on 2/2/2012 - View from my Bedroom Window}

Words for the Week



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Why I should stop reading Fashion Blogs (Or not).



Fashion Blogs. (Okay. Blogs in general, maybe). I love reading fashion blogs. I find myself clicking on the famous Satorialist, reading through the NY Times Style section, checking out german blogs, english blogs, italian and french blogs. Looking at dressed girls, dressed boys, dressed guys - rarely at dressed woman, because nowadays everybody seems to be a girl and only my Grandma still calls herself a woman.

And then, inevitably, I get this.. feeling. (Taking aside that I'm probably somewhere where I should deal with more pressing things than the colour of tights. Like, say, diplomatic relationships between Venice and Vienna in the 15th century.) You know this feeling? When you've looked at pretty people for too long and then you click "x" on the right side and suddenly it's the real world again, and boy, do I look messed up. Why was I thinking this morning while getting dressed? (Actually, I was wondering wether there'll be enough milk for breakfast..) What was I thinking? How come I always wear those boots, and this pair of jeans, and that kind of cardigan? No make-up as always, because that lazy girl couldn't be bothered in the morning dealing with her eyeliner. And the nails! Oh gosh, those nails.. it's that still nail polish on there? It looks more like a disaster. And, while we're at it, have you thought about your weight recently..?

And that's why I should stop reading fashion blogs. Because comparison is mean. And it's mean mostly because these people on these pictures earn their money with doing that. Putting on clothing in the morning. Posing for the camera. Photoshop, for god's sake. Photoshop. Huge walk-in closets. Someone who does their hair.

And what does it help? Nothing. It's just a picture staring back at me, and probably the person on the picture was thinking something along the lines of "Do I look fat that way?", too. But the internet sells us the idea that we could look like that, too. Although I'm not too sure if I want to look like some people the Satorialist catches on the street. Uhmmm.. maybe not.

As much as I like makeup, clothing, shoes - there is a thin line between dressing up to express yourself, and dressing up to fool the world. Or yourself. Hiding behind Prada will not make my life better. (Oh, and it would kill my bank account.) Putting on two layers of makeup will not make me smarter. Looking like a girl in the picture will not get me a better job, or a scholarship, or more friends.

Because, to be honest, if I had the closet full with Chanel and Prada I'd probably still wear that same old lame jeans. And these shabby, but so comfortable boots. And my nail polish would even chip if it were Chanel and a professional done manicure, because if you play guitar, your nail polish will chip. And if you work with old books you'll get dust on your skirt. And if you sit in your office staring at a computer screen all the time it's okay not to wear eyeshadow.

Although that doesn't mean that I can't wake up somedays and have a killer outfit idea, pile on tons of black kohl and play queen for a day. The sign that I need to stick over my desk needs to say "You can do anything. But you don't have to."

So maybe I should stop reading fashion blogs. Or not.

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I like



Outside of my office window it's snowing, and the sun is shining. It looks as if little diamonds are falling from the sky, glittering in the sunlight. Twinkle twinkle.. beautiful! + having survived two days of "Rhetoric and Communication Training", which was way funny.. I'll tell you more about it later + pink lipstick + Twinnings Chai Tea. I bought it during my last stay at Oxford with Celestia (hey there!) and now found the box again. Lovely! + I bought three wonderful pieces of cheap jewellery at H&M last night, just because I liked them. And then I felt bad. I guess I'm way too frugal.. + my grandfathers watch + having a skype-date to watch "The Perfect Model", a really bad german TV-Show with Callie tonight + "Good Morning" Mails from Russia + less than two weeks until I fly to Moscow! + Feeling all at home in the quiet and peace of my new place + Plans for the weekend: Theater on Sunday, baking a cake, cleaning, sleeping, playing guitar. Looooove + is it as cold where you are? We've had - 10 Celsius during the days lately, and that is really cold. + reading up on italian manuscript painting. What a wonderful subject to study! I can't stop looking at all the pictures



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A 6-Minute Stage



That probably the coolest headline you could give something as mundane as a workshop in rhetoric and communication, isn't it?

Yeah.. but I learned a couple of interesting things these past days.

1. Put people in front of a camera and they freeze up.

It was totally awkward. We were eight "young promising scholars", as the coach put it, and we had to do three tasks in front of a camera. Three things, very simple ones: First, say who you are and what you do. The second task was to stage something like a Talk Show. And the last one was the coolest: Six Minutes, the
stage is yours - do whatever you want. (YES!) And people went c.r.a.z.y. Kate was there, too, and on the first day she just froze up. Like "not being able to move naturally anymore", because there was a tiny camera in the room. Strange. It's just a camera. And noone will put that stuff on YT. Seriously.

2. People think I have a deep voice.

WTF? Really? I always thought that I sound like a squirrel on amphetamine. All squealy and high.. but apparently I don't. Apparently I have a rather deep smokey style voice. Uhmm, if you say so.. My Mom later claimed that we had "velvety undertones" in our voices. She for sure has - my Mom has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard in a woman - but me? Not quite sure.

3. Give people six minutes and a stage and they freak out.

I mean, how cool is that? Six minutes, a stage, a camera and endless possibilites. Oh the stuff I could talk about! And they can't run away! They are forced to listen! Awesome. (I did a talk on "Easy Living with Social Network Analysis") Okay, the topic had to be scientifc, and somehow connected to our research.. but six minutes! Hehehe. It was so much fun. I mean, what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing can happen. Nobody will ask a single question. I could have made stuff up. Noone would have noticed. Usually the papers and lectures I give are scrutinized by professionals and always feel like examns, but this one? Pure fun. The others weren't quite that convinced, although two or three of them gave really good talks.

4. Noone notices how freaked out I am on stage

And that is probably the most important lesson I learned: Noone will notice. I was a tiny bit nervous before doing my Six-Minute-Thing, but it was still okay. Later I talked with Kate and laughed - do you remember "Big Scary Lecture" last May, when I was nearly dying because I stood in front of a very important audience for 90 min? Yes. Kate was there, too, and her exact words yesterday were: "Well, I remember Big-Scary-Lecture, and you were so laid back then, too. All focus and quiet, but really calm. I'm amazed. How do you do that?" Wohw. I remember nearly dying of a heart-attack before going on stage for Big-Scary-Lecture last year. I remember standing in the bathroom before and giving myself a good kick in the behind telling myself "Yes, you do that now, get your butt out there, you coward. Now." But Kate noticed nothing of that. Awesome! At least I don't have to worry now that people will notice my panic mode. Although I'm naturally all "PANIC" before a major lecture, and that's probably okay because I need the kick to give my best.

5. Fake it till you make it

Actually I didn't learn that yesterday. It's more like "story of my life". And I always thought people knew that most things work that way - just pretend that you're awesome and people will belive you, right? Works. Usually.

All in all the two-day workshop was really worth it. The coffee was good, the cookies were nice, too. And I learned a couple of things. The most important things were not about the way I move or stand, or that I talk too fast (The coach asked me: "Are you really thinking that fast?" Uhmmm.. yes...?). I knew that before. What I learned was that people have a completely different view on me than I have upon myself. I was described as being very professional, confident, impressive, even with a certain "stage presence". I would have never thought that people would think me impressive. Never ever.

What do I learn from that? All that insecurity is inside. It's not really there, it's not really true, it's not REAL. I just see myself that way and thus talk myself into feeling small. What a knowledge to have!

Six minutes on stage. I never thought they could be that helpful..

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Oups - I did it again..



I bought nailpolish. AGAIN. Sigh. Can having colorful nails become an addiction? I wonder whether this can be good for my nails.. probably not.

But isn't that a lovely colour? It's called "Welcome To Rosywood" and came out last week. Several german beauty blogs ran articles about it, and because I'm such a boring person I just had to get it, too. I'm wearing it today with a black-grey-striped Hoodie showing skull and crossbones, which drew me some weird glances already.. pinkish nails and black hoodie? Weird combo.

What are your weekend plans?

I'm in the office again, as usual, as I need to finish my swiss-lecture. I got Kate to proof-read it for me, and thus it needs to get finished today. I'm very confident that I can actually do that. Tonight I'll clean and maybe watch a movie (I haven't yet decided if I want to re-watch "The Devil Wears Prada" or "A Single Man".. which you would you prefer?). Tomorrow I'm having the 17-year-old daughter of my landlady, Dame Snow White (she really is a Dame, but her proper name of course isn't Snow White.. but I call her thus because she's so pretty: porcelaine skin, big blue eyes, black hair. Her little sister is blond and thus called "Sleeping Beauty". ) And in the evening I'll drop by Bina's place, which is now close to my own castle. (Sidenote: The "Castle" is also called castle because my Landlady and Landlord are really ancient german nobility.. more than 500 years of family history! Amazing.)

But now.. work! I'll show you some pictures of the pretty things I bought last week later, if you're interested?

{Picture taken 11/2/2012}

Go waste your time

Just in case you've got nothing to do this weekend.. or just feel like some internet fun!

Check out Mr. Gregory Gorgeous on YouTube. The pure fact that he's a guy killed me when I watched his videos for the first time.. he's a rather, um, extraordinary personality. Enjoy his glitter - and stay gorgeous..

I've got the first full draft for Swiss-Lecture almost done, and am quite content. Two more hours and I'll be heading home towards my cleaning duties and my fridge..

Happy Weekend!

Words for the Week



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Been there, done that



I feel so.. list-y today. So here's a list!

Things I did this weekend

[]finish Swiss Lecture, 1st full draft. Yay.

[]ruined an apple-crumb-cake. It tasted beautifully, looked gorgous, but it wasn't.. perfect. It wasn't even right. But it tastes good. And because I can't offer a not-perfect cake to anyone I almost had to eat it by myself. (well, not really. Snow White ate three large pieces and asked for more to take home. So obviously it was kind-of-okay. Stupid perfectionism.). But that was okay, too, because Bina cancelled our dinner plans and I had no food at all in the house. Like, nothing. Only alcohol and cake in my fridge. Perfect Sunday, if you ask me..

[]Had the most funny afternoon with Snow White, who will turn 18 this year and starts to explore clubbing. And Alcohol. And boys. And she's super cute because she doesn't want to talk to her Mom about these things (her Mom is not drinking any alcohol at all) and now I scored the "big sister" position. And that's way too cute, because she's asking stuff like "When you were my age, did you do.." And I nod and smile and only tell her half of the truth. Because when I was her age I was sleeping at my best friends' (and, uhm, with her) every weekend, going out till the wee hours, drinking, dancing, lusting after Alex (whom I eventually got five years later), lusting after a couple of other people whom I eventually got, too, and generally doing things I won't talk about with her.. at least not in depth. There was so much drama going on! Too much aneroxia, depression, sex, dance, alcohol and black eyeliner - oh boy. It's been long and I'm so damn NICE nowadays..

[]Talked to Snow White's little sister, Sleeping Beauty, about nail polish. And haircuts. And boys. And gave her a bottle of nailpolish as a gift (a hot pink colour - I had three different types of hot pink. Now she has one, too. She was literally beaming.) And I nearly died laughing when I opened my fridge to show her my nail polish collection (yes, I keep them in the fridge) and she saw the bottle of sparkling wine I keep in there (note to self: always have a bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge. One always needs that..) and she looked at me big eyed and said: "Oh! You have champagne and nail polish in your fridge. You're SO glamorous! And pretty!" What a cute kid! Has never seen proper glamour if she things that a bottle of sparkling wine (cheap one, even) and some colorful nail polishes are "glamour". The world needs more kids like her.

[]Ruined my nailpolish playing guitar. Someone should really invent guitar-proof nailpolish. How do female musicians deal? Having a mani every other day? Celebrating tipwear? Sigh.

[]Made plans for the next week. TOO many plans, but I just realized that today. Like: I'm gone every evening now. Ugh! When will I sleep? (Never.)

This is what my upcoming week looks like:

Monday: Ballet Class (Advanced)
Tuesday: Lecture by famous german politician. Meet Cathy for Chai.
Wednesday: Pointe Class (Interm.)
Thursday: Bina's for Dinner.
Friday: Faculty Lectures, will last all day + Dinner
Saturday: Faculty Lectures, + Lunch. Kate & Mr. Kate for Dinner.
Sunday: Cathy and Francies for Breakfast.
Monday: .. death by overload of social events?

Champagne, anyone?

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That awkward moment when..



..you stumble over something per accident and find out that half the research from the last 150 years about a certain text was probably plain wrong.

Like, OMG. I'm a medievalist rockstar. (<--FREAK!)

..I have to write an essay about THIS. Seriously. Like, OMG.

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Delusions of Grandeur



I love myself of my megalomanic moments sometimes. (Although I really think there should be more rockstar-historians out there.. but maybe not me. Or maybe in ten years. If ever. Hehe. )

No, seriously, that stuff I stumbled over last night is indeed really cool. Of course not "nobel prize"-cool, but if you're dealing with unimportant texts noone really cares about it is pretty cool. So. I will now step down from my throne and drag my lazy behind to work. No pain no gain.. Muhahahahahaha.

Oh, and if someobody could tell the resident weather-god that this is enough snow for my, please? I want spring! 'kay, thx!

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Go waste your time

I discovered Tumblr. Wohw.

Coffee, Books & Suitcases gone Tumblr

Imagine I'd live in the last century.. the stuff I'd get done. It would be incredible.

A Cup of Coffee and Truth



Last night, quarter to eight, in a coffee shop.

Me: ..and, you know how thin Alex was in the past month before his final exam, and now it's finally getting better. He looks like he put on some weight.

Cathy: That's good. He was shockinglishly thin last time I saw him. By the way, you gotta watch out, too, you know? Are you okay? Did you loose weight again?

Me: Wait, what, me? Yeah, sure! Eveything's in control.

Says me, takes a sip of coffee and calculates if I should have some food afterwards or not. Because obviously a cup of coffee, three bites of the Cookie Cathy had and half a bretzel count as dinner. Right? Right?

I've been drawn into a discussion about our societies idea of beauty and EDs on a german beauty/fashion blog lately. It was very interesting and got me thinking (again). I haven't yet been able to write my thoughts down, but it reminded me of the fact that whatever food problem I have is definitely still there, alive and kicking. And that, as Cathy reminded me, I really need to watch out and keep it in check. I have no clue how much I might weight right now, because I don't own a scale. The mirror is telling me that I might have lost some weight, but the mirror, you know. The ballet mirror says I'm okay. Maybe a bit on the thin side.

The stuff I'm pondering right now goes down to the root of the issue. Why am I doing this? I have no clue. But I need to think about it, long and hard, and maybe I should do that before I get to stressed and stop eating altogether. Because, of course, the relation between those things is very obvious, even to me: Stress = less food. And since I'm parctically living off stress and too much work these days it's clear what's happening..

Bummer. Does it ever get better? (Or easier, for that?)

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I like



lots of coffee + I decided that today would be a "hat day". So shall it be: wearing a black feodora, darkblue run-down duffle coat, ripped jeans, black biker boots and lots of black eyeliner. Damn. + finally found a hand creme that helps me with my rough hands + it's getting warmer! after having a week of - 15 Celsisus it's finally back to + 4. Feels like summer + lots of plans. Dinner at Binas tonight, two days of graduate seminar, Saturaday night I'll cook for Kate and Mr. Kate, Ladies Breakfast on Sunday.. so much stuff to do. + golden feather-rings and bracelets + Somehow I really want some colour in my hair. Don't think I'll do that, though + Fortuna Favet Fortibus + my guitar. Old love never dies. + Horrible Histories - The Dick Turpin Song HIlarious! Make sure to check all their videos out, they are amazing. + Got the programm for the big congress in Leeds this summer. Seeing ones own name in print never gets old, does it? + I found a book again I thought I had lost. Sometimes the small things count. + Soy "Currywurst". Yummy. +



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