I have been begging for a road trip to Chicago for some time. I'd like to take it this fall. And not huge. Like 1, maybe two nights.

I have a cousin that lives in Chicago.

Is it possible to go to Chicago, not visit her, and not look like a schmuck? Because I feel like it's not. And don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against her at all, but a family visit is not really why I'm going - I'm going for some good food and some good lovin'. (Hey, I'm just being honest! LOLZ!)

Is it possible? Or am I coming out looking like a jerk?

If I were you I'd just go, don't make too big a fuss about it (telling people, etc..). If she does ask, tell her that the SO planned the trip and meant it as a couple's retreat.

I feel like I could keep it fairly on the DL going, but I would want to post FB pictures when I got back, and I've got her, her husband, her overly involved mom, and her dad as friends on fb. So that's when I'd get busted.

Am I just destined to a foodie trip I can't tell anybody about?! Oh, the woe...

My cousin, that I haven't seen in a decade and lives 9 hours away, came up to Kings Island two weeks ago and didn't tell me. I talk to him on facebook at least 3-4 times a week. He was that close to me and didn't bother telling me. I found out through facebook pics that he uploaded. It stung.

Could you maybe have coffee with her or something? Just take an hour out of your trip? Then you won't have to feel bad and you'll be able to tell everyone about your trip.

Honestly, I would just go and see your cousin. Arrange to have lunch with her, that way it's all over by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and nobody has their nose out of joint.

If I went interstate to the city where my cousins live and didn't visit them, there'd be all kinds of family dramas, which are just not worth it.

Erin.
::righteous babe::

You could set your photo privacy settings so they can't see that album. I know that is the opposite of what is being suggested here, but I know I have different privacy settings for different groups of people, like I have a "family" setting where they can see my holiday photos but not my boozy nights out, and I have my "mother" setting where she can't see anything

I can't believe this is getting so complicated.
Personally I don't feel like you should feel completely obligated. This is your trip. I'm not saying completely snub your cousin but call, or email or contact them in some way letting them know you'll be around so its not a surprise. You could leave it open ended by saying that you wont be there very long but you just wanted to let them know.

I've personally had several instances where family has pushed their way into a vacation that was supposed to be mine, and even though I know they didn't think and weren't doing it on purpose, I kind of resented them for it.

Your trip, your time, your way to spend it. Do what is going to make YOU happy.

How close are you? My baby cousin on my dad's side has come to my city before without looking me up, and then posted pics on FB, but I barely know her, so no biggie. But if any of my cousins on my mom's side did it, it would seem like an intentional snub, since we're all pretty close.

Honestly, assuming you guys are close enough that it would hurt her feelings, I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too. Either visit the cousin and post all the pics you want, guilt free, or don't visit the cousin and keep the pics to yourself. Even if you change the privacy settings, I would be worried about someone posting something about it on your wall where she could see it.

I don't think what you're doing is bad, but it has the potential to cause hurt feelings. I've definitely gone to Chicago a couple of times with Mark and not bothered to go see one of my best friends who lives there, but you better believe I didn't mention anything about it on FB.

Hmm, I could see where your cousin was coming from if she was upset. I live in London, but I'm from the north of England, so if a friend comes down to London and doesn't tell me, it makes me kind of sad. I don't want to take over their trip or anything, but it would be kind of nice to go for lunch or just for a coffee. I mean, it's easy enough to meet up for an hour or so...

Is there any chance you could plan it for a time when you know she won't be available without being too obvious about it?

Like, last fall when I went home to visit my family, my best friend lives in Orlando. I'd love to see her, but I hadn't seen my family in so long, I wanted them to be the absolute focus of my trip down, so I planned it for a week that I knew she'd probably be too busy to make the roadtrip down, and didn't rent a car so I wouldn't feel obligated to make it myself. So we both threw a goodnatured guilt trip in the other's direction, ("Okay, Sheli! First time I'm in town in years and you're too busy to come say hi!" against, "Aw, Jenny! Why can't you rent a car and just spend 1 night up here?" with no hard feelings getting in the way.) and felt no pressure either way.

I would just contact her and tell her you will be in Chigaco on a couples retreat sort of thing and won't have time to visit but want to let her know you haven't forgotten about her and would like to see her next time.
Would be awkward to run into her while you are there if you haven't given her prior notice!

^ I like the idea in addition the the bit of keeping your information on the QT for a while. Chicago is a big area and you can easily go without being seen. That being said, don't go somewhere they might go.

I went to see a dance a couple days ago on the south loop and ran into someone i haven't seen in years.

Chicago is a big city, isn't it? And you'll be there for a grand total of three days. Is there even time for you to do all you want to do in the city and spend half a day visiting a cousin?

I don't like the "couple's retreat" excuse - it implies staying in for pampering and good lovin', not going out and sampling the gatronomic delights of the town - or the hiding of photos. If you choose not to meet up, or your schedule is tight, then you can tell them honestly you didn't have time to go visiting. Does Cousin/Aunt/other family member come visit you when they're in your general vicinity at all?

If you feel like you must see her (or else face the wrath of faaaaamillyyy), why not suggest meeting up at restaurant/cafe/dessert bar of your choice. On your last day, so you're not shanghai'd into doing faaaaamily stuff and missing out on your own plans. You still get the foodie experience, and you get to go home guilt-free.

Sorry, but i would say yes, you would look like a scmuck
If it ever came up on fb or anywhere that you had been and not visited, they would be hurt.
Just pop in or arrange to meet up close to end of your stay for a drink/meal whatever.

I think lunch is your safest bet. Just pick somewhere you want to eat anyway, and invite your cousin. If she shows up, great. If not, no problem. Either way, you're covered.

You probably do need to contact her to preserve family harmony. But you could lessen the chances that she'll be available by waiting until closer to your departure date to contact her. When you call, you could let her know your SO has planned a very special weekend for you and so you have only an hour or so but would like to meet for coffee (or breakfast, or a drink, or whatever works best for you). And then stick to your guns if your cousin tries to turn it into something more involved. I hope it all works out well.

I'd let her know that you were coming into town, but be honest with her. Let her know that you're only coming in for a day (or 2) and that you guys have everything already planned out, but you were hoping that you'd be able to catch up with her the next time you're in town. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, than see if she's available for lunch or for a drink. That'd probably be the smallest amount of time to meet with her depending on what you're planning.

I had to deal with the same situation once -- when visiting a distant city where a cousin happened to be attending college.

I phoned ahead advising her of the dates of our (hubby and toddler) visit, and that we would love to meet for lunch. She suggested a fabulous restaurant -- which we thoroughly enjoyed. We had our photo op, which satisfied our family obligations (my aunt was pleased), and I actually enjoyed the stores and parks of the campus district.

Clearly define your intentions and time limitations and stick to them. There's no need to pal around with her for 1/2 a day, unless you really enjoy her company.

Having unexpectedly lost two cousins recently, I must say that in hindsight I wish I would have made the effort to get in touch and spend 90 minutes with them, enjoying a sandwich and glass of wine perhaps.

Enjoy your trip!

TUTUFUN