Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:07 PM

I am on my phone, so please excuse any typos.

One of my two best friends started dating a guy in his mid-twenties a few months ago. They broke up because she just didn't see them together long term. Since then, they have continued sleeping together.

Last night she finds out that he is married with two small children. He and his wife are separated, and supposedly they both are free to date. However, they are not divorced and he supposedly has nothing to do with his wife or children.

My best friend asked me for my opinion, and I told her that it was a bad situation. I do not believe it is ever ok to sleep with a married man knowingly. The fact that he withheld such vital information from her when they were in a serious relationship sends up huge red flags. The fact that this guy isn't involved with his children sends up red flags. My best friend is a devout christian, yet somehow thinks there is nothing wrong with this.

I offered my opinion when she asked, but beyond that I am staying out of this. Our other friend thinks that there is nothing wrong about him not telling her about his family because "it is his past". I am just wondering if maybe they are the right ones, and I am an over the top prude.

15 Replies to I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?

re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:21 PM
I'd run away screaming from a guy that could consider his family, especially his CHILDREN as part of his past. This guy obviously has neither a conscience nor a sense of responsibility and your friend is outright lying to herself if she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation.
You're not a prude, you just have common sense. And common sense tells us that it's not a good idea to keep having a relationship with someone that you're, well, not in a relationship with.

Maybe you could use her Christianity to help her see the light. Just tell her that Jesus didn't sleep around with already married men, so neither should she. XD
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By PogMoGilliesmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:26 PM
There are mutiple red flags here:
1- they contiued their physical relationship after the emotional relationship ended. I'm not a fan of friends with benefits, really. It's fine to hug or kiss a friend, but anything beyond that is asking for trouble

2- he's married. I don't care if they are separated- he is still legally bound to another person. If he's not man enough to legally end it with his wife before dating, he's a bad catch.

3- he's walked out on his kids. Any person who can do that is not a person you want to be spending time with in any sort of long-term relationship.

I don't think you're a prude. I think you're seeing this with open eyes.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:51 PM
Another vote here for you not being a prude. I think that if he lied to her for this long about being separated with kids, what else could he be lying about? Maybe they aren't separated at all? I guess I wonder what the point of their relationship besides a hook up? If she wants anything more from him, it's probably not going to work. My mom met my step-dad and he had been separated from his wife for a long time but not officially divorced. They started the divorce process only a couple years ago and it was very stressful for my mom. She felt like the other woman, even though she wasn't. This just sounds overly complicated and dramatic for my taste.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 01:13 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2010-07-23 13:14:04
I don't think there's anything prudish about thinking that lies, especially about MARITAL STATUS and EXTANT CHILDREN are not exactly a good foundation on which to build a relationship. If that's the case, may we all be so prudish. :O

Dani
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 05:44 PM
Ok, I'm back on my computer so I can type in a little more detail...the original post took like thirty minutes to write!

First off, I'm glad that I'm not crazy. I'm a free lovin' hippie who has no qualms with pre-marital sex, but marriage (and all those lies) just FAR exceed my moral code. So when best friend, the very conservative, devout, involved christian thinks it's completely fine to keep seeing him since "emotionally, he's not even married," it makes me wonder! I sent her a text telling her "I'm going to stay out of this because it's none of my business. You are the person who is going to have to live with the consequences, good or bad." I'm seeing her next week in person, and I'm not sure what to say if she tries to get me to talk about it. We have the type of relationship where we tell each other the absolute truth, as blunt and harsh as it might seem, so this is new territory :? People, girls in particular, get so overprotective and crazy about their partner. Two years ago, one of my friends was in a borderline abusive relationship and I told her the guy was a dick and she needed to leave him. She didn't talk to me for two months, until she broke up with him and realized I was right. Since then I've been adamant about never offering up my opinion about boyfriends, but obviously it's pretty challenging to hold my tongue in this situation.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Odessamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 05:53 PM
Ugh, no. Not a prude at all.

I can see some argument for their separation being no barrier to a relationship, as I have known people who were separated but still legally married who, but for a signed document, were no longer husband and wife.

But he should NEVER have lied to your friend, or withheld that information. And he doesn't sound like a good person at all, the way he's treating his children.

But this is all stuff she's got to figure out on her own. You've said your piece, now you just have to leave her to her own devices.

Erin.
::righteous babe::
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 06:03 PM
I totally agree that starting a relationship on those bases (lies, separation, forgetting about kids) sends millions of red flags and it's not even a question of being prude, but more a question of common sense. Could there be more red flags. I don't think so.

However, is it a relationship that she wants with him or just sex? It might seem shocking if she's a devout christian like you said, but some people change their mind as life goes. I see no red flag for sex only unless he was abusive or had gigantic disgusting genital warts. BUT... some people pretend they only want sex and want more than that. If your friend is that type of person (some people just can't handle these friends with benefits) then might aswell tell her now.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:02 PM
Their relationship has always been complicated. They got really serious, really fast. They broke up because he works out of town a lot (he's a truck driver) and best friend works 60 hours or so a week in addition to being a youth leader at her church two nights a week, so they never got to see each other. They decided to just be FWB, but that lasted until about a week ago when they decided they liked each other too much to be just FWB. Everything has been up in the air since then, between just FWB and a relationship. She said he is her "soulmate."

Now, to clarify, I'm not some huge prude. If this was solely a short, sex fling, I wouldn't care. If they were in a relationship and he'd been honest from the beginning, saying something like "hey, I am married and have two kids. My wife and I have been separated for X many months and are in the process of getting divorced", I wouldn't care. However, they were introduced by a mutual friend, and this mutual friend had no idea that he was married with children. The fact that he has gone thorough such great lengths to hide this worries me. She comes from a pretty crummy family, and has been working so hard to make good life choices, only to fall into this mess.

Like I said, I want to be clear that I am staying OUT of this. I just need a place to vent and reassert my sanity.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By oz_helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 02:11 AM
The lies and omission of such important parts of his life are throwing up red flags for me too.

Helen
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By luceroblanco
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 08:35 AM
She is a hypocrite. I'm sorry. I said it. I'm not religious anymore, but I know what a Christian is supposed to be doing. And the fact that she is leader of a youth group and having premarital sex with a married man, is NOT it. What an example!

But that's another issue. You are not a prude. The man is a jerk. The fact that he didn't tell her he is married is a big RED flag to me. Now that he says that he's married but not married in his mind is just as bad. If he is truly done with his wife he should file for a divorce and make it legally finished. He probably is too cheap and doesn't want to pay alimony and child support.

If he is leaving his wife and not supporting his children at least, he is a total jerk (you know which word I would rather use) and I would not have anything to do with him. Casual sex or more. There are plenty of single young men to have a fling with without getting into all that family drama. The guy has no integrity and to me that would be a deal breaker.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 03:15 PM
As unflattering a reflection as this is on me, I'm going to share.

I have dated and slept with a man who was legally married. The difference is he was up front about his marital status. He and his wife were separated (about as separated as you can get. She's on the other side of the country), he has full custody of their children, and I was free and clear to leave if I wanted to. Even now, they still haven't filed the papers and officially dissolved the marriage. Was it 100% morally okay to do? Probably not. Was he honest with me and I chose to continue it? Absolutely.

This dude is the exact opposite. You have every right to be weirded out. He's lying and taking shameless advantage of her. I'd run screaming in the other direction the minute I found out. I'd counsel any friend to do the same as well.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By Piano_on_Pointemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 09:07 PM
If I were her, I would get out.
He's married, has children, and doesn't care about them. (He may love them, but claims to be fine living without them)
He's married.
Key word there.
Adultery is illegal, I believe, even when both parties have allegedly agreed to date other people. If not illegal lawfully, illegal God-wise.

If you leave it alone, she'll eventually figure out the lesson behind it.
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 09:27 PM
^That's where it gets to be a slippery slope. Infidelity is grounds for an "at fault" divorce depending on state laws. Some states also don't have legal separation. The caveat being you have to be able to prove infidelity, which can be difficult. It also depends on who wants the divorce, custody issues, etc. Bottom line, you won't get thrown in jail for sleeping with someone you aren't married to. It just complicates the divorce.

If this friend claims she's a Christian and continues to knowingly sleep with a married man, well, that's between her and God, no?
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By GypsieFreemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 09:48 PM
If they really ARE seperated, then typically I wouldn't find it too terrible, If he's in the process of a divorce and there is an agreement among the spouses that seeing other people is perfectly fine. However, the fact that he withheld this information is a big negative red flag in my opinion. However, the most disgusting part to me is the fact that he has nothing to do with his children. As someone who was raised barely knowing my father, it sickens me that people can just be ok with the fact that people pick and choose whether they want ot be a part of their child's lives.

I don't think you're being a prude, I think you're being a realist. If you have a family, there's no 'past' about it. Exwife? sure. Wife that is still technically married to you? not so much. Children? DEFINITELY NOT. No matter how far he runs and how fast or how long, those children will always be a part of his life
re: I could use some feedback...am I the prude of the universe and beyond?
By oz_helenmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:57 PM
Just came back to this this thread after typing up my relationship rules thread and realised that they've broken rules 2, 3 and 6. Therefore, this will not be pretty. Expect collateral damage.

Helen

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