Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

No boyfriend causing family tension (karma: 1)
By brackengirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Aug 01, 2010 10:01 AM
Edited by oz_helen (35388) on 2010-08-10 00:43:23 ppl is not a word

Okay, so this might sound a little ridiculous, but I seriously don't kn0w what to do. I'm 19 and have never had a boyfriend/kissed anyone blahblah blah. I'm totally fine with this, but I think it weird my aunt and grandma out. I come from a very close knit family so everyone knows everyone else's business. Anyway, I go to a small school where there is a big gay population, mostly lesbians. I'm totally cool with that and I have several friends that are gay. However, ever since I went to school my aunt and my grandma keep making these comments as though they're afraid I'm suddenly going to "turn gay" or something. I've tried explaining to them that people just don't wake up one morning saying "hmm I think I'm going to start being attracted to the same sex today" but i don't think they get it. My last roommate was bisexual and my aunt kept saying things like "promise you won't change your orientation when you're at school"

And then when my roommate and her gf broke up my aunt asked me if my roommate had a crush on me? It pisses me off soooo much! My roommate is one of my best friends at college and definitely respects the fact that I'm straight, just like i respect her being bi. Because of the comments I feel like my aunt thinks I'm a lesbian. but I don't get why. I mean, I know I'm the only one in my family to have never dated in high school (and when I say only one I mean seriously the ONLY ONE), but there's nothing wrong with that is there? Like I would love to have a bf, but I'm really shy, self conscious, don't trust guys easily, etc. and am probably not ready for a relationship. My family just makes me feel so weird about it sometimes! There's nothing wrong with having no experience with dating and stuff when you're 19, is there?

14 Replies to No boyfriend causing family tension

re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By dnnydkns
On Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:17 AM
Just be true to yourself, and be patient. Que sera, sera... what will be, will be.

Never dating is no shame. Just the opposite. I bet you know some in school who did, and got up to things they regretted later (or should).

Anyway, "never dated" really goes with another word... "yet" ! Relax.

If you need to have an answer for your aunt and grandma, try this one. "I'm happy to take my time until the right guy comes along. You want me to find the right one, don't you? So there's no rush."
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By QueensJennmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:51 AM
You could always just look at them and say "Thank you for taking an interest." or "What an interesting assumption." Make sure you say it with as little emotion as possible. After all, you've done nothing wrong. They're the ones being horrendously rude!
Then change the subject, or remove yourself from the situation.
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Piano_on_Pointemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Aug 01, 2010 08:53 PM
First off, it makes me happy to read that you're okay with not having a relationship, being kissed, admit you might not be ready to have a relationship, etc. because most people whine about all those things. Kudos to you, friend.

Anywho, I would just say firmly, (or angrily, since it usually gets the point across) "Once and for all, I am not gay, I will never be gay! I assure you!"
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By KayEllePremium member
On Sun Aug 01, 2010 09:32 PM
Honestly, I would have told them angrily, and a long time ago, that my sexual orientation and relationship status are absolutely none of their effing business. Because they aren't. You don't need to reassure them about anything relating to your love life!
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By brackengirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:42 AM
Thanks for the advice y'all. I appreciate it. I talked to my aunt about it and apparently it was a comment on my facebook that a friend made jokingly about 'coming to the other side' that made her start wondering. I was like facebook? Really? Wooooow. lol. But it's fine now I think. Like, I would love nothing more than to have a relationship for the companionship aspect of it, but I have waaay to many self esteem issues to really be in a healthy relationship. I know I would feel really insecure and constantly worry that the guy was gonna leave me for someone better, so I figure it's better to stay away from that until I'm ready. And being painfully shy around guys helps that goal too :P haha. anyway, thanks again you guys
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By lipinskifan4evamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Aug 09, 2010 03:53 AM
even if you were gay why would they have a problem with that if they care about you
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 09, 2010 09:48 AM
brackengirl wrote:

Thanks for the advice y'all. I appreciate it. I talked to my aunt about it and apparently it was a comment on my facebook that a friend made jokingly about 'coming to the other side' that made her start wondering. I was like facebook? Really? Wooooow. lol. But it's fine now I think. Like, I would love nothing more than to have a relationship for the companionship aspect of it, but I have waaay to many self esteem issues to really be in a healthy relationship. I know I would feel really insecure and constantly worry that the guy was gonna leave me for someone better, so I figure it's better to stay away from that until I'm ready. And being painfully shy around guys helps that goal too :P haha. anyway, thanks again you guys


And that would earn my aunt the status of promptly being blocked from viewing my wall. Holy crap.

I also don't understand the intense mistrust of a situation that you have no experience in. What happened that you already hate guys, when you've never spent any time with any?
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By brackengirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:45 AM
lipinskifan4eva- Exactly! They always say how they are totally okay with the LGBT community and yet I seriously think they would flip out if I was gay. Doesn't make any sense.

Theresa- Yeah....like I said, my family is always in everyone's business. Hence me going to college on the other side of the country. I love them to bits, but they can be a bit much for me sometimes.

As for the hating guys thing...It's not that I hate them persay, they just make me extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Iwas made fun of mercilessly when I was in middle school and high school (though it was mostly middle school) about the way I look and several other things by a boy. His voice really got in my head and I guess I just haven't been able to make it leave, though now it's more me feeling ymself negative things. I know, I know, think positive etc. I'm working on it, but it's a process. So my thing with guys is that I feel like anything I say or do, or even if they look at me too long will give them a reason to make fun of me and I just don't want to go throguh all of that again. Kind of sounds stupid, but there it is.
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Aug 12, 2010 09:56 AM
Theresa- Yeah....like I said, my family is always in everyone's business. Hence me going to college on the other side of the country. I love them to bits, but they can be a bit much for me sometimes.


Oh, girl. My aunt found out I was on the pill, and did all but publish it in the paper. She had her breast cancer survivor group praying for me. My other aunt chose a crowded theatre in one of probably the biggest universities in the nation to ask me about my birth control choices. So I know from busy body families!


As for the hating guys thing...It's not that I hate them persay, they just make me extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Iwas made fun of mercilessly when I was in middle school and high school (though it was mostly middle school) about the way I look and several other things by a boy. His voice really got in my head and I guess I just haven't been able to make it leave, though now it's more me feeling ymself negative things. I know, I know, think positive etc. I'm working on it, but it's a process. So my thing with guys is that I feel like anything I say or do, or even if they look at me too long will give them a reason to make fun of me and I just don't want to go throguh all of that again. Kind of sounds stupid, but there it is.


I just watched a Dr. Phil episode about the fall out from being bullied in school, and he said that the number one thing you had to do when you got bullied, or when you heard that voice in your head repeating the bully, was to test it against reality.

For example, if you hear the bully go "Your so stupid!", stop. Go "Wait, is that true? Am I stupid?" and survey. To use myself as an example:

Bully: Theresa, you're stupid!

Me: Wait, is that true? Am I stupid? I'm in college with a 3.3 GPA, so I can't be THAT stupid. So that must not be true. Get out of here bully, I'm not stupid, you're lying to me!

*Bully shuts up.*

And every time you hear the bully say that you're stupid, repeat that to yourself. Or, like this:

Bully: Theresa, you're ugly!

Me: Wait, is that true? Am I ugly? I'm not ugly - my eyes are nice, and my skin is really clear right now, and I've always thought I had a really nice smile, so I'm not ugly. Bully, you're lying to me again, get out of here!

*Bully shuts up*

So every time you hear that little inner monologue, test it against reality. Is it true? Or is it stupid people saying stupid crap that's still interfering with your life years after the fact?
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By brackengirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:52 AM
Oh, girl. My aunt found out I was on the pill, and did all but publish it in the paper. She had her breast cancer survivor group praying for me. My other aunt chose a crowded theatre in one of probably the biggest universities in the nation to ask me about my birth control choices. So I know from busy body families!


oh my gosh! Families are so oblivious to appropriate settings sometimes. My aunt told me she wanted me to go on the pill before I went to college. I got soooo offended. I was like why? Do you think I'm going to turn into a sleezy whore and sleep with anything that moves? Geez. And my grandma is just a sweetheart, but she can be rather oblivious. She asked me if I had started my period in the middle of a crowded store when I was 12. And she used to insist going into the dressing room with me and then she would comment on my bras. Once she asked me if the stretch marks on my stomach when i had gained alot of weight was a rash >.<


I just watched a Dr. Phil episode about the fall out from being bullied in school, and he said that the number one thing you had to do when you got bullied, or when you heard that voice in your head repeating the bully, was to test it against reality.

For example, if you hear the bully go "Your so stupid!", stop. Go "Wait, is that true? Am I stupid?" and survey. To use myself as an example:

Bully: Theresa, you're stupid!

Me: Wait, is that true? Am I stupid? I'm in college with a 3.3 GPA, so I can't be THAT stupid. So that must not be true. Get out of here bully, I'm not stupid, you're lying to me!

*Bully shuts up.*

And every time you hear the bully say that you're stupid, repeat that to yourself. Or, like this:

Bully: Theresa, you're ugly!

Me: Wait, is that true? Am I ugly? I'm not ugly - my eyes are nice, and my skin is really clear right now, and I've always thought I had a really nice smile, so I'm not ugly. Bully, you're lying to me again, get out of here!

*Bully shuts up*

So every time you hear that little inner monologue, test it against reality. Is it true? Or is it stupid people saying stupid crap that's still interfering with your life years after the fact?


Wow! that's really helpful :) Thanks!
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:09 PM
Eh, if it were me I'd be singing "I kissed a girl" around them. ;) but then again....I'm not close with my family....at all.
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By brackengirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:53 PM
Lol! That would be hilarious. I think it'd actually be kind of funny to play a trick on them with my roommate from last semester (the one my aunt asked if she had a crush on me, because apparently just because she's not straight makes her have a girl crush on me >.< ) and act like she was my girlfriend, just to see their reaction. My roomie was the one who suggested the idea, haha
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Heartmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:34 PM
Time to stop waiting "until it's the right time" and start working on your self-esteem issues. Yes, it's great that you're okay with waiting, but unless you work to change yourself, things will never change! If you put it off or hope that you'll magically become less shy or self-conscious, you are quite mistaken.
re: No boyfriend causing family tension
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:41 PM
brackengirl wrote:

Lol! That would be hilarious. I think it'd actually be kind of funny to play a trick on them with my roommate from last semester (the one my aunt asked if she had a crush on me, because apparently just because she's not straight makes her have a girl crush on me >.< ) and act like she was my girlfriend, just to see their reaction. My roomie was the one who suggested the idea, haha


Yeah, as funny as getting disowned from your homophobic as the day is long family would be, I'd take a pass on that idea.

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