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Comment #9373369 deleted
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-16 20:42:38
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-16 20:42:54
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-16 20:43:30
Removed by Chaconne (182529) on 2010-12-18 20:22:08 Member request, photo didn't work (and apparently posted later.)

re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:01 PM
No one ever wants to be completely anonymous. We all want recognition, even when we tell ourselves that all we want is anonymity.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Dec 17, 2010 09:44 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-17 21:47:53
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-17 21:49:09
Day 139 - Confident

Today = nothing new.
Boring, dull. Work. Being annoyed that I had to wake up at a different time than my circadian rhythm wanted to.

This is Erin, a girl I work with who has an overwhelming amount of confidence.
Really, it's kind of incredible.

Work has been really triggering me lately which isn't good considering I should/have to be there. For some reason it really puts me in a bad place and I'm not sure why yet. I should talk about that at therapy - that would be a good topic right? I don't know...it's just...ak I don't know. But I get really weird about eating there too.

+1 of the awesome braiding I did today


I know this is awfully centered. I don't care.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Dec 18, 2010 08:11 PM
Day 140 - Beautifully bound by all your burdens

I'm officially 100 days past my first 365

It's days like this - good days - that make me fearful.
I hate feeling not genuine.

I want to fly. Let me.

By the way, this is a Christmas present that the only friend I've kept in touch with from my old school gave me last week. It makes me feel nice to get presents. I literally spend hours making things for people but don't really get anything in return. That's fine with me, but I still like getting gifts like any person does.

- - -

You build your fortress walls so high
So only you guard yourself.
But i see no difference in your blues eyes
and the icy blue ocean separating you from the world. The world oh, the world.
...
So tightly tied to all your misfortune,
So beautifully bound by all your burdens.
When will you find the edge of your isle,
the top of your tower the world? The world, the world, oh the world, oh
...
I'm waving my surrender flag
'cause you're still looking for something to believe in

The Fortress Song, Kaylee Cole
www.youtube.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Dec 18, 2010 08:52 PM
Voli per l'aria, sempre libre!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Dec 18, 2010 08:55 PM
Lovely photos of Erin. Actually lovely girl as well! The third photo really grabs me.

(Tell her I'd be in love, except I'm old enough to be her grandfather and quite married, LOL.)

Jon
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 20, 2010 03:35 PM
Those braids are so beautiful! How do you do those?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 20, 2010 08:34 PM
Reidfidleir wrote:

Those braids are so beautiful! How do you do those?


Thank you! It's like this:
www.youtube.com . . .
And then the fall through hair I braided individually
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 20, 2010 09:59 PM
I hate day 141, so I'm not posting it :]

Day 142- Spent

You gave all your blood so your babies could eat
And you gave all your love so your husband could sleep
But they need more, they need more, they need more.
Give them more

And you say:
"What do I have
that you don't have on me?
What do I have
that is my own?
Say what do I have that you don't already have on me?
Say what do I have that is my own?"
...
And in your dreams you soul is reaching out to you
but your body denies it, your body denies yourself


And in your dreams you soul is reaching out to you
but your body denies it, your body denies yourself again and again while you sit and you say:
"What do I have
that you don't have on me?
What do I have
that is my own?
Say what do I have that you don't already have on me.
Say what do I have that is my own.That is my own. That is my own, my own."

Baby's Blood, Kaylee Cole
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Dec 22, 2010 05:38 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-22 17:47:23
Day 143 - Loaded questions

Bad lighting is better than always being in the dark

Car Wreck, Kaylee Cole

- - -

I was going to go to this girl's house and shoot her playing piano and doing stuff with her horses and whatnot. But it turns out her Mom is one look away from killing people (and really...she's SCARY!) so she said she didn't want to go back home.
So I was dragged around for 3 hours while she Christmas shopped.
UGGGG .
I also don't know why I still hang out with her because she makes me feel like crap. But whatever.

Also this was kind of an accidental shot, hence the crazy framing.

The last picture is me and she took it when she grabbed my camera (which is REALLY scary by the way. I don't trust someone holding my life savings)

- - -

In other news, I'm extremely proud of what I did in therapy today.

Things made sense. Things were profound.

And the emotion was right there under the surface. So close, so close.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Dec 22, 2010 05:41 PM
Day 144 - For the love of bokeh

I had lots of fun doing this. On flickr, it's a triptych, but the copy I have it on my other computer so I'll just post the individual images

Here it is on flickr:
www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Dec 22, 2010 06:11 PM
Edited by Chaconne (182529) on 2010-12-23 13:41:20
Regardless of what you think of the girl, these are decent available light photos. I even like that you got the La Madeline sign in there (we have these too) it set the scene.

And even if she grabbed your treasured Canon from you, I think that may be one of my favorite photos of you.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Dec 23, 2010 01:37 PM
The coffee house photos are great. Casual, but portray a sense of innocent pleasure and relaxation. Jon is right, that's a great picture of you!!! I love how you have your wrist up and your camera charm centered. Thanks for the youtube link too.

Justine
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Dec 24, 2010 01:46 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-24 01:47:48
Thanks for the comments you two!

Day 145 - Rushed and broken.

I have no idea how my sister is not completely falling apart right now in the midst of what's going on right now.

This is a long description, I'm sorry. If you feel like it, just skip to the last section.

So she's split from her boyfriend of over 3 years because of his jerk of a father (and family, really) and basically without going into the whole really long story, they want to be together. It's just that his dad/family are psycho. He said some absolutely HORRIBLE things to her and has made up all sorts of crap about things that she's never done/said. And I know - I know my sister, plus I spend a lot of time around them.

Today he (the boyfriend) got in a snowboarding accident and has severely broken bones in his collarbone area and has to have urget surgery tomorrow morning (the doctors told him it was the worst of that type of break they've seen). My sister musters up the courage to go to his family's house because she's obviously worried about him, which the Dad said would be okay. She was there for a little while, maybe 30 minutes and the parents leave to go to a party or something. Before leaving, the dad was actually uncharacteristically nice and actually said bye to her when he left - acknowledging she's a person for once (*FACEPALM* he's a jerk...basically he's never acknowledged that she's a person/she's worth acknowledging).

Then he calls his son (the boyfriend) a few moments later complaining about how my sister shouldn't be over there and how it makes everyone really uncomfortable. He continues to say that she isn't welcome in his house (except somehow she was moments before? WHAAA?) and that she needs to leave. He gave her the whole "you need to be gone before I come back" ultimatum.

He continues to go as far as saying that she's not allowed to be at the hospital tomorrow.

Okay seriously - she did NOTHING. She's tried her absolute hardest to be accepted by him and the family. But he insists she's a whore who takes his son away from him and his family and also "Jesus" so...basically he's a psycho.

It's a much, much longer story than this, but that's just today.

And I'm so proud of her for holding on. When we (my Mom and I) picked her up she was crying all the way home which I was guessing was because her best friend in the world is in extreme pain and that's hard to see. My mom stopped to get some butter for Christmas cookies and that's when she told me everything.

Lots of crying obviously. I can just feel everything - a lot. Sometimes empathy is a curse really. I felt like I was going to throw up and scream at the same time.

I'm also so proud that she can unload on me.

I know she'll never read this but I love her so, so much. She knows that. After we got in the apartment we stood there in a hug both sobbing and suddenly in between sniffles she said "I know it sucks, but it's worth it."

She's such an amazing person, and I never forget it. But little things like that just show her amazing amount of strength.

Tomorrow, she's coming to work with me so she's not alone on Christmas Eve.

On a personal note, I've haven't felt this alive in a long time. I can cry again - it's indescribable how thankful that I can cry again. Things are changing, and I'm also thankful for that. I'm starting to honestly feel again. And feel good sometimes. Today when I was walking next to the street I realized I wasn't thinking about "falling" into the cars by accident. That's huge.
I'm starting to hope that I get better.

Please, if anyone read this long winded description of today, please keep her in your thoughts or prayers if you do that type of thing. I know it's the typical pity-party "bad things keep happening one after another" but really, there has been an amazing amount of very horrible things happening in our family and she, and I, could use the good thoughts.
re: 365 Please
By Believemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Dec 24, 2010 02:28 AM
Your poor sister. That sounds like such a horrid situation.

I know what you mean about being thankful for feeling emotion again- it's incredible how good emoting feels when you go lengths of time being unable to do so.

You're all in my thoughts. I hope things get better for you guys.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Dec 25, 2010 12:12 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-25 00:15:53
^ Thank you lovely!

Day 146

I have nothing to say - that I think.
I'm really numb right now.

And SERIOUSLY I was FULL of feeling yesterday.
Shoot me.

Please see it on Flickr with nice resolution:
www.flickr.com . . .
(and click the image too)
re: 365 Please
By Orionmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Dec 25, 2010 12:35 AM
COMPLETELY understand the nonfeeling thing. It sucks so hard not to be able to cry or just BE upset when I need to be upset over something. I'm finally getting back to being able to feel things after being overmedicated and numb and it's wonderful to be able to cry again, as weird as that sounds.
Tons of love to you and your family.

Everything about day 139's pictures = spectacular. Ditto for the coffee house shots and the writing one. <3
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Dec 25, 2010 01:33 AM
Thanks for the comment Katee. It's weird because I used to cry ALL the time (I was a "sensitive" child, ie depressed, but it wasn't acknowledged) but my Mom and sister had to move in with my Grandma for the Summer when we lost out house and I had to learn REALLY fast how not to cry since I was sharing a room with my sister.

And thanks for the lovely words about 139, 143, and 146. I'm definitely very glad to be shooting people.

- - -

I'm also going to add some blurbs about today since this is my "diary" after all.

WARNING this is going to be really long...no need to read, it's just for my sake.

I found that the last few weeks I was slowly wanted more (to be better, to try harder, work on relationships, open up, etc). Tonight after talking to my sister for quite a long time I realized that isn't true. I want NOTHING more that this and this moment. So here I am again - I was reminded that trying is not worth it.
Great?

It's hard to decide if that's a good thing.

And I know I should rationally hate that my brain wants me dead. But I don't hate it. Holy shit this is frustrating. I want to stop arguing with my brain. I want to stop fighting really bad.
And lets see, I was feeling fine 4 days ago? SERIOUSLY. Shoot me. I cannot stand swinging like this - I'm tired enough already.

- - -
Conversation with my sister. this is going to jump around on topics a lot, jsyk

I'm not religious now but my sister is (and has been most of her life from what I understand). She has a very close relationship with God yada yada (really, out of all religious people I know, she's definitely most tolerable because she doesn't go overboard and knows what she's talking about). I spent a very long time trying to believe and I always felt like I was doing something wrong. I cried out to God to help me find him because I couldn't understand why I couldn't. After years of being confused and feeling like the odd one out I started to think that maybe I never believed in the first place. More recently, I've accepted that full on - that I wasn't WRONG or doing anything wrong - and it freed me. Feeling okay not believing in God is seriously wonderful, especially for me who hates feeling like I've done anything wrong.

I've found so many answers in the lack of answers and so much more beauty once I changed my mindset that it's okay to not believe in God. I found more beauty and the world was much more spectacular.

Of course, my sister can't understand this. She basically thinks that I think I like it this way and that the answers I think found are completely wrong and I can't and don't know what I'm missing.

And apparently she knows this because she's "been where I am" before.

I don't know - all that - ick. It really does not affect me on a daily basis and I hardly think about it unless someone brings it up. It really is not important to me and how I live. I'm NOT saying that I'm going to think this way forever, and I made that clear to my sister (although she still thought I kept saying she thought I was talking in the terms that I don't think I'll ever change my mind). But the way that it only affects me in a good way, and really doesn't affect me at all, doesn't warrant me to change that.

I told her that my life is currently tolerable. I told her the last couple have weeks have been especially tolerable. She just says that isn't enough. But YES IT IS. Coming from where I have been tolerable is one HUGE step up.

She also still really wants me to "open up." Okay, as much as I think that sounds like a great idea, that's not happening. I don't care that you're my sister, I don't care that you want to know. The fact that you are my sister almost closes me off more because I want to protect her more. Ironically enough she said when she was going though a lot she always knew she didn't want to burden me because I was younger so she never told me. Yet, I still don't get how she can't understand that I don't want to burden her because she definitely knows what that's like.

Also, I don't want to open up any more than I have. She doesn't get that I'm WAY open right now. The fact that she knows that I've been suicidal is probably about as open as I could be right now.

She also wants me to be open to people (not in the sense of venting/telling problems, but being with them I guess? It was kind of weird) which really pissed me off. I AM open to people in that way. I socialize plenty, kiss a** plenty, go to work, go to school, etc. But apparently that's not enough for her because I don't want to do those things to begin with. Well no! When have I EVER wanted to be around people? Even at a really young age I loved being by myself and being isolated. I like time alone, honestly. And I feel like that's probably just a part of my personally. I'll hang out with you and chat and whatnot, but I'm not needy and don't find a lot of value in small talk especially when I have a lot to do. I'm not going to try really hard to make sure you're my friend because really that's not on the top of my priority list. And that really doesn't mean I'm going to blow you off or never respond to your calls, I'm just not going to go out of my way because I don't need you there. I'm okay when people leave me or I loose contact with them in turn because of that. There are plenty of other people to interact with. And I have had wonderful interactions with people that I haven't spoke to in months or years. It's just honestly not very important to me.
AND NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT. That's who I am (again, I'm not saying that's never going to change, just as of now that's who I've been) and I'm okay with that. I AM HAPPY BY MYSELF.


Then she ends this whole conversation with the fact that I don't believe in God saddens her the most. Like that's the MOST saddening thing in her life. How about throwing a punch in the face with that guilt? NOT fair.

She thinks she knows better because she's been on my side. I would have to disagree. She doesn't know where I am, how I think, and what I really believe. She doesn't know what "my side" is. And I'm sorry because I probably sound extremely immature about this whole thing but I just don't know. Neither of us have a place to stand on our side, and I accept that and she doesn't. She "knows" she's right.

- - -

So here I am again. Tense as h*** and wanting out bad.
Seriously mood swings I CANNOT handle you much longer.
I need to get some release, and I will soon enough I'm sure.

- - -

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?
What if I, what if I, what if I
Bury me, bury me

The Kill, 30 Seconds to Mars
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Dec 25, 2010 08:31 PM
Day 147 - For the houses haunted and the ones with things missing


"If you feel abandoned and haunted today, please know you're not alone. If you feel overwhelmed by questions and pain, please know you're not alone.

Nobody gets to name you. You are not forgettable. You are not replaceable. You are not your pain. You are sacred and special and alive...

If today is a difficult day, then please know that you are not the only one who feels the way you feel.

You are not the only one with things missing. Not the only house haunted.

You are not alone today. You matter very much. You are priceless.

You. Are. Priceless.

Merry Christmas."

Read the whole blog here: www.twloha.com . . .

And see the rest of the photos from today:
madisonmcphotography.blogspot.com . . .

- - -

I'm aware that this time of year is really hard for a lot of people. The fact that I know this makes me feel cliche and pathetic, even when I remind myself it isn't this time of year that triggers me. It's living period really.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 27, 2010 12:03 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 00:04:14
Day 148 - And so it ends.

Christmas is over.
Every year I find it strange how as soon as it's over, it's over. The hustle and bustle and the stress of finding the right gift , the large dinners, the smiles and laughter that echo in the hallway - it's all over. Leftover is ripped printed paper and sparse ribbon spread around the living room, Christmas lights and pine scented candles.

But the looming darkness starts to creep back in. Seeping through every little tiny crack in our character, our happiness, and our contentment and before we know it, it's all too consuming. Darkness envelops. And we have to let it.

I spent the night holding my sister as she sat there weeping. I ended up sleeping next to her on the futon (which was surprisingly comfortable).

I'm so tired.

- - -

And I'm sorry I'm such a bokeh w****. I had a whole different plan on what I was going to do POTD-wise, but it got screwed up.

- - -

Also a huge THANK YOU to all the people who have be commenting, sending messages, LURKING (you know who you are), and being generally awesome. I hope you all had/have wonderful holidays!
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 27, 2010 02:26 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 02:28:43
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 02:30:46
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 02:33:04
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 02:33:46
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 02:35:29
Diary-ing once again.

This time about the joy of lenses and how I can't decide which to spend my life savings on.

AND I have to say this right now, after writing this for a few minutes I realize I'm becoming a huge camera snob. I'm sorry - I'm just really trying to get what's worth my money because I save up for LONG periods of time and I really want to make sure I get what I want to and to not be disappointed.
I'm also kind of proud of how far I've come in actually understanding all of this. Last year this time, I wouldn't even care to know there was a difference between f/2.8 and f/4.
I also realized how silly I sound about all of this. I'm just a girl with a camera - but I do hope to be more than that one day.

AND also, I'm really just trying to work this all out in my head because I have no one to talk about this too and it gets really complicated jumping from page to page on the internet comparing and whatnot. So this is me thinking out loud, and being able to recall it later for myself.

- - -

So I want to take into consideration what I shoot the most obviouslly...which is what exactly? I really love portraits (being self or of others) but I'm also in love with close ups (not technically macro, but kind of. I'll just call it that for simplicity reasons, but I'm obviously getting no 1:1 with my kit lens and 50 1.4). I know I love shooting dance too although I never get to.

I know I need the ability to stop down because most of the time I am in low-light situations, and especially on my XSi, the ISO performance leaves some to be desired. It does make me really jealous of Jared Polin (youtube photography guy) and his Nikon D3's crazy ISO performance. Seriously - ISO 10,000? WHAAAATTTT? I guess that's what a $5000+ body gets you. I've definitely loved shooting in the f/1.4-2.8 range because I can get that dang ISO lower (plus the DOF is niiiiiice).

I know even with my 50mm I find myself having to back away a lot because of how zoomy it is. This again, is considering I'm on a crop sensor so my 50mm is more like a 80mm. I also do find it slightly annoying. I know it's not a "walk around" lens, it's a prime. So I should expect that it isn't going to cover many bases at all, which I wasn't expecting anyway.

I'm not going full-frame anytime soon although of course I would love to. TOO MUCH MONEY CANON! But that's always in the back of my mind when I think of the lenses I want now and how they'll be different if I'm ever on a full-frame body.

So I need a "walk around" lens with the ability to stop down.

Origionally, I wanted the 24-70 f/2.8L. I realize now this lens has no IS, which after doing some research actually DOES make a difference (I thought it was mostly a plow to make you pay more money). At this point, Canon doesn't make a IS version of this lens, which kind of turns me off to it. Also, it's $1,280 so if I'm paying that much I want to get, well, what I pay for.
So in comes the 24-105 f/4L IS. At $1049 it is cheaper than the 2.8, BUT it's a f/4. BUT it has IS+135mm DANG YOU CANON!

This then brings me to other options, such as the 16-35mm f/2.8 USM ver. ll. At $1499 it's more than both of the 24-70s. It's also obviously much wider. Perhaps TOO wide at this point.

I think I primarily shoot more towards the 24-50mm (because I can only get to 55mm anyway) range than the 16-35mm range, although I DO love wide-angle. But...ahem, expensive Madison. I'll keep that in mind for a wide-angle though for much further down the road. (there's also a 17-55 f/2.8 IS USM at $1,040, the cheapest of all the lenses I currently am looking at, which is a glorified kit lens really. It's not an "L" series, but have read good things about the quality comparatively).

AND OF COURSE, do not forget the dream lens: 70-200 f/2.8L IS USM at the hefty weight of 3.4 pounds and the even heftier price tag of $2048.

- - -

The main event
Mostly, I'm debating between the two 24-70s and the 70-200.
The debate lies where I realize I have a 18-55 kit lens (which yah, is a kit lens and doesn't have a constant low lovely f/stop) and a 50mm 1.4.
I currently have a somewhat, and I say somewhat VERY loosely, similar range to the 24-70 now. I have nothing NEAR a 70-200. BUT 70-200 is VERY zoom-wonderful. I have issues currently with the 50mm feeling too close and having to back up when I shoot with it. Also, main negative, the 70-200 is HUGE, VERY heavy, VERY expensive and would be scary to carry about with me. I don't think that could really be a "carry around" lens unless I was literally around to only be shooting. I know if I was doing a job or something, that is a lens I would want in my bag, but for me, the weird girl who spends all her money on camera stuff, I don't think the 70-200 is most practical.

I think if the 24-70 f/2.8 had IS I would be 95% sure I would be getting it. The fact that the 24-105 that has IS is a f/4 really bums me out. F/4? REALLY? It makes me sad. I wish they had a 24-105 f/2.8 IS. C'mon Canon! Get with it. (but BOY would that be hefty!) And it would be my luck that once I buy one of these, the other that I wish would come out would.

But If I could get over the f/4, the 135mm would be great! I do want some zooming power, that's for sure! Would f/4 really be that bad? I don't think so. As long as I have appropriate light. Which I never really do *facepalm*

This still does leave a window for a wide angle (which I mentioned above) that I can shoot low light in.

Actually, when I read this back, maybe the 17-55 f/2.8 IS USM WOULD be better to keep in mind. Although I would be shooting pretty much EXACTLY where I am now, I would be able to stop down a lot more. Hmmmmmm...this is WAY too complicated.

I really can't decide if getting a non-f/2.8 would be worth it considering the shooting conditions I mostly find myself in to be poorly-lit (and also, not that I have lighting options, but I also couldn't use flash for dance, for example).

The "dream" I've read, is a 17-105 f/2.8 IS, haha. (also non-existant and would be super hefty as well I could imagine)

I also know there are plenty of 3rd party lenses, like sigma. But no matter how much good I read about them, I still find saving up for twice as long is worth it for me. I'm just too afraid of getting a 3rd-party version and then eventually wanting the canon version and being out the money I spent to begin with that I could have just put towards the canon.

SO if anyone reads this really long winded thing and has some advice on which seems smarter/better I would love to hear it!

It's really late so I need to stop ranting although I have more to add. So goodnight, world.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:00 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-12-27 23:04:09
Day 149 - Miles to go

This is, not going to lie, a picture close to my heart. I've been ignoring the fact that I want to shoot for me lately, so this is an important picture to me.
It does though, show scars on my arm and I don't want to trigger anyone. It does loose it focus though where the scars are and it's in black+white, so I don't think it should be really triggering. (like really, I edited and shot it keeping in mind that I wanted them not to be the focus)
Just in case, I'll just post the flickr link:
www.flickr.com . . .

(also, before we start, this isn't a tattoo...yet)
Story time.
In 5th grade, we "studied" poetry. Quintessential to the study of poetry, we specifically covered Robert Frost. That year I feel in love, even more than before, with writing and poetry. And so it was, my first favorite poem it seems became Frost's Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.


Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


I read it over and over, copied the line structure and rhythm in my own poetry and never got it out of my head.

Fifth grade was an interesting time. Besides the fact that I was completely enveloped by writing and found true freedom in it, it was also the year I most obviously went from wanting to die to wanting to kill myself.

So last quarter in literature class, in the last section of the textbook, I found my first favorite poem. And I remembered I have miles to go.

Here I am, 7 or 8 years later, wondering why I still choose to suffer. Why I still wake up, why I still choose to be a burden, why I'm still pretending that I'm okay.
re: 365 Please
By Orionmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:19 AM
Totally not complaining about all the bokeh-ing. I'm getting tons of ideas here. Carry on.

<3
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Dec 29, 2010 09:08 PM
^Thanks. I feel a little guilty being so repetitive sometimes.

Day 150 - When all we want is to be enough / When all we want is to feel enough

See the rest here:
madisonmcphotography.blogspot.com . . .

This photo has nothing to do with what I felt today. So I feel a little weird about this. I'm also not quite sure what I felt today anyway. It was a lot of things - but it was really foggy.
This is also essentially SOOC besides some really minor changes. The room was SO pink, it was kind of lovely and challenging at the same time.

- - -

I had a major fail when I thought my appointment was at 1:30, not 1:00. I hopped on the 1:03 bus to get there around 1:20 and saw it was a different bus driver. Different bus driver = wrong bus (time). So I get there after walking from the bus stop only maybe 15-20 minutes late. I didn't care. The whole way there I just sat there thinking, "eh...whatever," not, "Oh crap - I'll have to walk really fast and I hope there isn't another appointment I'm going to overlap...I'm not going to have time to go the bathroom now...I hope there aren't too many stops..." I just didn't care if I was late.
I know. How uncharacteristic of me. But it doesn't matter really, what's 15 minutes?

[Contentment and doubt]
I was extremely guarded and shut down. But unlike before, it was a lot more in my own control. I really just gave up about what I guess to be about 15/20 minutes into the session and sat there the rest of the time staring at the stitches unraveling on the chair or gently scratching my fingers, slowly and one at a time. But I really just completely gave up. I didn't try whatsoever. And it was nice. I was still completely present and the room didn't go all blank like it has before. I was absolutely and perfectly in control of not wanting to do anything.
I was hitting the wall on purpose, not on accident.

I can't talk about myself anymore right now, but I have a beautiful song to share:
www.youtube.com . . .

So I've been sleeping with this silence in my mind
And all I see scares me

And no one knows it, but she, she saved me

So I've been sleeping with this silence in my brain
Awakening here everyday in this god damn place
I won't wait here anymore


It's still not quite the way it was
But you promised me this is love to stay
Watch the hospital that's
Just across the street
From your apartment balcony
I'll never ever leave there
I'll never leave

Oh, no one is watching now
Sing like you just might drown
But always come back here
'Cause I never got to see you once more, no
I guess that's all I wanted
Yeah, I guess that's all I needed

Now look, you've made a fool out of love
When all we want is to be enough
When all we want is to feel enough


It's still not quite the way it was
But you promised me this is love to stay
Watch the hospital that's just across the street
From your apartment balcony
I'll never ever leave there
I'll never leave

Watch the hospital that's just across the street
(It's still not quite the way it was)
From your apartment balcony
(But you promised me this is love to stay)
I'll never ever leave there
I'll stay

Hospital, Lydia
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Dec 29, 2010 09:11 PM
Day 151 - Blue fate

Eh...just a boring photo of me lacking inspiration.
It looks much better on Flickr

I woke up at 3:00pm today so I've lost most of my day anyway.


So yah: view from my window I've shot a million times. We're in a snow storm today.

I'm not supposed to isolate when I'm feeling suicidal, I know.

I was going to see one of my friends today (day 143) who's kind of a jerk but has a Christmas present that she wants to give to me. But she's snowed in so that didn't work out.

My best friend from my old school and I were going to get together tomorrow because we don't ever get to see each other anymore. Now I'm sure that's not going to happen because she lives even further north (north=SNOW yah?) and is definitely snowed in too.

It's all just fate.
www.youtube.com . . .

It's just, it's just
I can't seem to fall asleep these days
And you can't seem to stop digging this grave

'Cause you were only eighteen at the time
And I was holding up these streets just fine
Come on, oh, come on

Place me on your scene and lie fate
Well everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
But day after day after day I called out fate

Oh, darling I've been thinking about you
And you are thinking how much farther it was
It's filling up our lives

Don't you just see what's happened?
That we never stay away, come on

Place me on your scene and lie fate
Well everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
But day after day after day I called out

(I can barely see the...)
Place me on your scene and lie fate
Staring at the scenery, wait 'til, just wait 'til
Well everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
(Staring at the scenery)
Day after day after day I called out

(I can barely see the...)
Place me on your scene and lie fate
(Staring at the scenery)
Well everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
(Staring at the scenery)
Day after day after day I called out fate

Fate, Lydia
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