Forum: Arts / Photography - Artistic

Page:
Page 12 of 23: 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 19 20 21 22 23
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jan 20, 2011 04:29 PM
Day 172 - Settling

This didn't quite turn out exactly how I wanted, but I need to do homework and not try to "fix."

This is just how I'm feeling.

- - -

'm numb.
Teach me how to feel again.


- - -

I'm quitting therapy for a while.
I'm not getting anywhere and I know it's my fault.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jan 20, 2011 04:31 PM
Day 173 - You're gonna be wounded

O, you’re gonna be wounded
O, you’re gonna be my wound
O, you’re gonna bruise too
O, I’m gonna be your bruise

The Word of Your Body (reprise), Spring Awakening

I saw this show last night from a touring company. The lighting design was absolutely AMAZING!

- - -

Nice people have been telling me that they hope I feel better now, or that they hope I feel better soon. First off, there is no "now" and "later" or "before." It's constant. It's always a weight on my shoulders and fog in my head. I see how one would misinterpret the fact that perhaps I just had a bad day, but unfortunately that's not how it works.
I'm not doing better. Now, ever, before, none of it.
I'm sinking. But I'm so immensely okay with that right now. I want to see beauty again.

- - -

Today is my 5th consecutive day of 100 views or more :D
It's the little things
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jan 20, 2011 04:33 PM
Also, relinking to my flickr since I'm close to a top of a page (just in case)

www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:20 PM
Day 174 - They don't know how to go


The rest here:
madisonmcphotography.blogspot.com . . .

I'm very thankful I have a co-worker who doen't mind me shoving a camera in her face.

I'm going to doing some "real" shooting for people soon and I'm really nervous. It's just my Dad and his girlfriend and also my sister wants some vintage pin-up type photos. I seriously don't know what I'm doing! BUT my Dad just wants me to hang out with them all day (all candid basically) and I can do candid. It's the whole directing and whatnot that I'm sure I'm going to fail at.

- - -

And some just lie there
Crying for him to come and find them
But when he comes they don't know how to go


Mama Who Bore Me, Spring Awakening
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jan 22, 2011 09:41 PM
The link to MadisonMc...wasn't working, perhaps you were uploading things to it. I really like the 2nd portrait of your colleague which for a "shove it in her face" is really good, especially the lighting on her hair. I was commissioned once to do a "Day in the life of...." a family and while they were happy with the results, I always had the feeling that they were trying to "script" the day as though it was Ward and June Cleaver, Beaver and Wally. I had it on pretty good authority (my own kids who at the time were contemporaries of one of the kids) that all was not the sweetness and light they were presenting to me.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Jan 22, 2011 09:44 PM
Huh...here's the link again

madisonmcphotography.blogspot.com . . .

- - -

Day 175 - Everything's different, nothing's changed
+1 Of my brain on paper.

My sister, Mallory.
Shot through the mirror

She's so pretty :)

- - -

I signed up for the FKP forum finally and posted some pictures yesterday with great response. Two people told me I need to be posting in the "intermediate" section next time. This is my 5th month owning a DSLR, so I can safely say I feel no where near "intermediate." But it made me feel pretty good.

- - -

Today I was fixing this thing on the computer at work and two of my co-workers were right there along with my boss (they asked me to fix it...apparently I'm computer savvy, haha). So I start to fix it and my boss just says something along the lines of, "Can we all just agree that Madison is so lovely?" And puts his hands on my shoulder to give me a squeeze.

Little coincidences happen like this. And it's not because I'm looking for the and looking for a reason to continue, it's just because something in the universe wants me to keep going. I know I always will, I always have.

- - -

You're always sorry,
You're always grateful,
You're always wondering
What might have been--
Then she walks in.

And still you're sorry,
And still you're grateful,
And still you wonder
And still you doubt--
And she goes out.

Everything's different, nothing's changed.
Only maybe slightly rearranged.


You're sorry-grateful,
Regretful-happy.
Why look for answers
When none occur?
You always are what you always were,

Which has nothing to do with, all to do with her.

DAVID:
You're always sorry,
You're always grateful,
You hold her, thinking:
"I'm not alone."
You're still alone.

You don't live for her,
You do live with her,
You're scared she's starting
To drift away,
And scared she'll stay.

LARRY:
Good things get better, bad get worse.
Wait, I think I meant that in reverse.

HARRY, DAVID, LARRY:
You're sorry-grateful,
Regretful-happy.
Why look for answers
When none occur?
You'll always be what you always were,
Which has nothing to do with, all to do with her.

HARRY:
Nothing to do with, all to do with her.

Sorry Grateful, Company (the Sondheim show, that's not a band fyi)
I find that show so immensely perfect.
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:04 PM
^I have to agree with your boss! I think those who think you are "intermediate" are underestimating you...unless they insist, as did a camera club I once belonged to, that you have to go through everyone of their arbitrarily defined ranks as though they were some medieval guild. I short circuited that path by turning pro (which disqualified me from their competitions) at which time they made me a judge. Now that you are day 170-something into your project, you have probably acquired more practical knowledge of photography than they might acquire in a decade. Your technique is certainly more daring than mine was (or probably even is now.) What you also have a great advantage over me at a similar point in my photographic development is the advantages of digital photography, namely instant feedback, and the ability to take nearly unlimited numbers of photographs without having to consider mundane things like film purchase and processing fees...assuming one has, as you have, a decent SLR and a computer. For the past number of years, maybe ten or so, I really haven't shot anything but my grandsons and our travel.

Mallory IS very pretty! So are you. I'm not sure that my vision is quite up to tackling your writing. :) Since I was once a government codebreaker it would be an interesting challenge.

Oh yes, I want to see you continue!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Jan 23, 2011 05:14 PM
Jon - I don't think they're underestimating me at all. I don't feel like I'm experienced enough to really be "intermediate" at this point. Especially considering I have essentially NO experience in anything but natural light. That always hangs me up - I mean, anyone can grab a camera and compose images, it's not very complicated. But as far as something like studio shots, I would have no idea what I'm doing. That being said, I'm not really into that anyway. But I still want to learn about it anyway. But thank you, I do feel like I've acquired a bit of knowledge as well.

And good luck reading it. :] Especially in the red one, I didn't write straight from top to bottom and even some lines that look like they would be one after another aren't. It's all over the place, that's for sure. The blue one is much more organized. I tried to look at it last night and it was quite challenging having the physical thing right in front of me that I wrote in the first place

- - -

How hipster of me to make this image. The grain, and gradient, the quote, the font - I'm turning into a teenager hahaa

Day 176 - I find it hard to tell you

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
<b>I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take</b>
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Mad World, Gary Jules

- -

I can't even explain how much I think into this song.
I used this song before - 60 days ago.

- - -

Things are...I'm not sure. Bad. But I went on RYL chat last night so I wouldn't do anything i shouldn't. But that can only last so long.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:57 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-01-24 01:53:31
"diary" post...I feel like a short rant.

The thing that does suck about having a really f***** up sleeping schedule is that right now, it's midnight, and I know I still have hours to go.
It's boring at times. I wish I had more space in my room to do something.

It's not lonely though I'm alone. I don't have a lot of thoughts right now, which is strange. (Or more like I don't want to have any so I'm shutting them off)

Being awake 20 hours a day doesn't work, I know this. But I have no other choice.

- - -

Go to sleep at 2:30am, fall asleep by 3:00am.

I set my alarm for
6:03 and
6:13 and
6:23

and I accidentally wake up
at 7:03

To leave at 7:35, catch the bus at 7:38 right across the street.
Arrive and then change bussed at 8:07; 8:12
Get to school at 8:22
Rush to class.
Try to walk on the grass so I don't slip on the icy sidewalks.
Dodge people, open doors, sit down, 8:29
With a minute to spare.

Fight though classes and stay awake.

Get back on the bus, 12:13
Arrive downtown, change busses 12:34; 12:42
Get to work, 12:53
Work 1:00-5:45

Arrive at the gym, 6:00
Gym, 6:15-7:30
Go to my Dad's, 7:45
Stay there and study.
Eventually go home, I have no idea when.

Study for my test.
Cram.
ram.
am.
m.

Get home. Study some more.
Lather, rinse, repeat.




re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 01:45 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-01-26 13:46:50
I hope the people who would care will read this.

I might be gone for a little bit. I'm not sure what's going to happen really - I'm kind of waiting for my dad to get a phone call from my therapist to decide what the "plan" is.
I'm waiting to hear what they're doing with me. It's like I'm a defective toy. And I'm waiting to see if they're going to send me away to get fixed.
That makes me a little uneasy.

Thank you everyone so much for your continued support.

And if none of this happens, this is going to appear to be a really silly post, but I thought I would rather be safe than be there wishing I would have told people who care why I'm absent here.
re: 365 Please
By Sumayah
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 01:53 PM
/hugs!!

Positive thoughts and hoping for the best!!
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 02:11 PM
*hugs* I hope this turns out to be a silly post, but if not, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for... I don't know - you get the treatment you need, or you find something that works for you?

Whatever happens, we'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

*hug*
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 03:10 PM
^Thank you so much.

I'm going to the hospital now. I don't know if I'll be admitted, but I'm going...thanks for the support everyone.
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 05:25 PM
Saying a prayer for you that everything works out. I really want to see and comment on your photo work.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By djcharamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 07:19 PM
I'll be thinking of you and hoping like crazy that this all works out!
And just so you know, you are NOT a defective toy. You are a beautiful and inspiring person who happens to be going through a hell of a lot right now. I'm just a lurker, but you and your 365 have been so inspiring to me and I wish you all the best :) Hang in there, you can do this!
(((HUGS)))
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 08:06 PM
Thanks you so much everyone. I left pretty much right after I posted at 2:09pm, and I just got home (7:00pm)

Basically it was one huge waste of time. A huge, HUGE waste of time. I had to go through the ER which takes forever and had to have blood taken and the lady wasn't too good at it so now my arm is bruised. But that was the better part. The nurse that checked me in was a totally b**** and was really rushed (although there were NO other people in the kids ER). After I got to a room, a multitude of people came in and out, like the lady who did the blood work and a medical student doing my intake and another lady from billing. After waiting for who knows how long and the actual mental health person who "interviewed" me was also kind of huge b****.
After speaking with me for a few minutes, she went to get my parents and when they came back in to sit down she said, "Well I just don't know what to tell you because I got nothing out of that conversation [with me]. She says she wants to go home and can say that's she safe [which, I would like to add, I didn't really say at all...but whatever] and I'm didn't get anything else," in the most horrible tone. I told her I didn't want to be admitted. This was the truth. I feel like it's completely unnecessary. Another reason why I NEVER WANT TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING. People blow things way out of proportion. I'm freaking FINNNN E. Leave it.

Eventually my Dad lays on the huge guilt-trip about how I "wanted" this earlier (which again, ISN'T true. I talked to my therapist on the phone before we left and HE suggested I go to the hospital. I never said I WANTED to. I never asked to be admitted.) and how my therapist told him that I would do "this" (not tell them anything). Apparently this was ALL my decision and I wasn't really expecting that - I thought to some extent they would evaluate you and then suggest something, like inpatient or a different therapist. Of course they would only be suggestions that you could take or not, but I still felt like there would be SOME suggestion. Basically the lady doing my interview just sat there asking the same 'ol stupid questions that don't get anyone anywhere. And then sent me home because I didn't want to be admitted.

Okay, in her defense I understand how this is probably really annoying for them. Here comes a girl, who's basically out of pediatrics anyway and comes in "suicidal" and ends up going home. Again, my Dad with the awesome comments, "So coming and sitting in the hospital for a couple hours changed your mind?"
UGGGGGGG.

You know what? F*** doctors and their f****** mind games and stupid parents who you didn't think could be any more disappointed in you and wasted hours and sore, bruised arm. Screw it.

So basically I got shipped back home, because apparently I said I was "safe" to go back there, with referrals to pdocs and mental health services and a strong recommendation for medication.

The one good thing was the medical student who did my intake. She was so sweet and pretty and when I looked into her eyes she didn't look like she was judging me or had something better to do. Thank goodness for her.

This was so ridiculous I can't even really explain. I wasted everyone's time - everyone's hope - everything. ALL because I went along with something I didn't want to do in the first place.
;oiahv riafh a;jfh wa;okjfhw ;ot9u2 3ufhapwoi20rphugah;gaohaoieur2p0i2yr
I swear.

And when the mental health woman gave my Dad a bunch of papers with pdoc/mental health/etc info on it she said something about how there's an evaluation I could get and then basically my parents can put me in the hospital against my will. My Dad looked SO ON BOARD FOR THIS.




AHHHH !!!!

Sorry I'm really pissed. Stupid freaking people
(and sorry for the veiled profanity - I hope it's okay...I'm really passionate right now)
re: 365 Please
By Sumayah
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 08:31 PM
Aw sweetie. I don't have anything to offer other than virtual hugs and just to let you know I was worried about you. Keep trying, keep talking to your therapist; hopefully there will be a solution that works.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:27 PM
I've been thinking about you all day, and while I'm glad to see you posting ... gah - I feel frustrated for you just reading that! I wish I could do more for you than give loads of virtual hugs. :(

***HUG***
re: 365 Please
By hummingbird
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:50 PM
Hugs to you from me too.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:17 PM
Thank you so, so much everyone. I'm really unsure of how I'm feeling right now. I do feel safe though, for the moment.

Day 179 -Unsure.

I took this before I left in a hurry in case I wasn't coming back tonight. I did obviously, but I didn't feel like getting something better. So this is me taking a picture of my computer screen.
Fail 179, fail.

- - -

I just wanted to vent a little more...sorry. Bear with me.


My Dad poked his head in at one point while I was waiting for the mental health person (I didn't want him in the room) and said something along the lines of, "remember your lines."
Really? Is that supposed to be funny? Am I really expected to make crap up to please his motives to admit me? This is not a rehearsed feeling or emotion - this is not a freaking game.
Bulllll crap.

Also, my dad mentioned to the mean lady that I'm an * amazing* photographer and also blog (I DO NOT BLOG. I have a blog, and it's where I put photos. I don't blog on it) and that's also why he's so concerned. He saw the lyrics I posted the last few days in my "text photo week." Apparently the lyrics to This is the End and If You Want It were concerning? He said something like "if it says 'this is the end' then it's going to concern me." He also said how he's "so glad he saw it."
I have so, so many problems with all of these statements. #1: you're a freaking idiot. #2: not everyone interprets songs the same way. #3: It's great to know that my dad only knows I'm ready to off myself when he reads lyrics.
YUCK.

And that's a funny thing about how I look at things versus how others look at things. The lyrics "this is the end if you want it" apparently sounded like "this is the end of my life and I want it" to my Dad. To me, these lyrics say, "this is the end of bad, of darkness, or hopeless, but only if you want it to be." Yesterday was crappy and stupid. I couldn't even form sentence, but I found myself at home okay. I was lost in music and only thought about the pills or the blade when I was drifting off to sleep.

I'm going to be extremely cliche and say no one understands me. In this case, it's extremely true. Everyone just had a huge over-reaction party. Especially since they all fueled each other's - what's the right word - chaos. It turned into something of dier circumstances.

I regret ever saying one f****** word. I really honestly do.



It's also really weird that this happened today - Wednesday. I feel like all of this happened over a course of days or weeks. This day is impossibly long, but I'm okay.
I really am.
But I can't shake that sinking feeling I did something I wasn't supposed to do. Or that I didn't handle this right.

Or maybe this sinking feeling is realizing that for once I am right. I did handle this right. What were the motives and outcomes of having me go through this? I'm over thinking it plenty. I've even entertained the possibility that this was all just to snap some sense into me. This was all a little inside way to set me to realize that I really am okay. Snap me out of suicide? Sure...I mean I'm safe tonight aren't I?

I digress...my friend came over with her Mom. She brought me cookies and flowers. I kept thinking of that PostSecret that said "no one sends you flowers when you're crazy"
Another reason why I'm not crazy, check.



I also am going to reiterate the fact that I really don't know what I'm looking to do now. To think that I could be in the hospital right now, alone - zonked on meds, is stomach churning. There's nothing to hospitals that would help me unless I am literally actively suicidal and I can't stop myself. That's what they're there for. They aren't there to help sort out your problems or help you get better. They're there as a safe place. And that's it.
I know this, I knew this. And that whole question I always fight with of "am I "bad enough to be hospitalized" is obviously a load of crap question that I just like to knead in my mind. One thing I learned at that freaking h***-hole is apparently you're "bad enough" if you go there and tell them you want to be admitted. That's it. That's the only qualification.

But throughout all of these rushing thoughts and cohesive phrases I still find myself wondering: do I really need to be there right now?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jan 27, 2011 05:57 PM
Day 180 - The bones are shifting in my skin

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
The bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone

My room seems wrong
The bed wont fit
I cannot seem to operate
and you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take
The chain from off the door

I'll never say that I'll never love,
Oh, but I don't say a lot of things,
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from off the door,

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will break the chain from off the door,

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will break the chain from off the door,

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from off the door,

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take,
Then I will take,
Then I will take the chain from off the door

- - -

I hate all the calls - the texts - all the inconsiderate obligations to "check" on me. I'm trying to sleep - just leave me alone.

I have to write an essay for poly sci that's due tomorrow so I'm not going to write anymore now. It's been a long day but I've had no time to get anything done. I did shower though, hurrah for me.
re: 365 Please
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 27, 2011 07:28 PM
I love that song. We did an amazing combo to it in contemporary once. It was a live acoustic version and it just gorgeous.
re: 365 Please
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 28, 2011 03:26 PM
*Hugs*
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:08 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-01-29 00:11:30
Sumayah - I bet it was lovely! The live version at Webster hall is my favorite!
And thank you Elfie for the hug! *sends one back*

- - -

LONG email I sent to my therapist regarding a lot things...if you feel so inclined I made a huge realization in there that I bolded for connivence.
Overall triggering for suicide...be safe lovelies!
(and I'm sorry if there's swearing in there...I didn't find them reading it over but it's definitely possible I skipped over it on accident since it's just copy-pasted)

Spoiler: Show
"...if you were to go up there"

*So this was going be a little short response, and it's turned into a lot more. There's a lot of thoughts up there.

Why in the freaking world do I change my mind so much? [lets answer that right now because I know why. I change my mind because I do want to live sometimes. But that's a scary thing. It's intensely scary to think that I could be alive as an adult. I've never entertained that idea really. When was I a kid again? It's weird because it's not like I was in some situation where I had to grow up really fast or something, I just did anyway. No one told me to or my parents didn't die and I had to raise the family. I had nothing but time to be kid and enjoy that. But I didn't. So it's terrifying. Control...there's no control to that [living? I don't know where I was going with that]. The funny thing about that is that I never thought I ever wanted control. Says the girl who cuts and develops a day of eating around how much she weighs that morning. God that's pathetic. But it makes sense...or at least I can say it does. I've never had control over a lot of things (but who does when you're a kid? Things are kind of decided for you). I got to decide some things though, like what I wanted to do with my spare time for example. I wasn't forced into things I don't think...REALLY the reasons why I would want control have nothing to do with that. Ug. I'm just making things up to keep me from truth (and I can recognize this? Huh... interesting): I hate that no one ever told me anything. I hate that the wool was pulled over my eyes and everyone forgot to take it off. I hate this a lot in fact. But it is what it is. And who knows, it could have been a lot worse being told straight away things like my parent's divorce. I might have reacted badly to knowing this straight from the get-go (hahaa...yah that's not true AT ALL. It's not like they were fooling anyone).
It's just taught me to analyze everything that much more. After all, we all scream things that we never say.
THIS IS WHY I NEED TO SETTLE [regarding changing my mind so much].
It's not always a bad thing...I could settle on knowing that I'm not okay and need help right? That would be a good kind of settling. [There are always different ways to look at things. And I can still see them. Oh, good things.]
Tossing and turning over every single thought I have is probably a bit counter-productive.

Really, now that I think about it, I don't make any definite decisions very often. At least, none beyond things like "I'm going to school today," and since I've been conditioned to not be scared of going to school everyday it's not really something I over think.


*decision*
So yah. Tuesday...I'm coming. (I told him I wasn't coming in anymore and I'm obviously changing my mind about that)


- - -

Why did this have to be me? Why did I have to be the one who can't cope through one freaking day without turning south?
Maybe just for one day I could wake up without a headache or without something on my shoulders.
God this is so frustrating. I fight so freaking hard and where does it get me?
Enveloped in black, sitting and waiting for something to pull me out. Or hoping that something I can still do will pull me out.

I don't want to try. I'm to exhausted, it's too exhausting. I just want to sleep.
There's no reason for me to go inpatient unless I want to miss out school and not get paid for work.

So I have a question: what is desired outcome for me as far as hospitalization goes? I don't think I get it.
I'm not actively suicidal...yes? So no point yes?

- - -

I should be over myself.
I should be enjoying myself.
I have plenty of friends and plenty of time.
Places to see and places to be.

I should be living. Loving.
Awake.
But instead I sit. Sleep. And I think.
Fantasizing about ways to end this because it's not worth it.

It's never been worth it.

But it's an interesting debate: whether to live or die.
Is it worth anything to live if you feel dead (I know, how cliche of me. But what I'm doing is not living)?

And I tell you this:
Thinking turns into wanting and wanting turns into needing all too quickly.
The comfort of knowing it's your choice is suddenly not enough. You need to comfort of knowing what you're going to do.
So you search. You find. You gather.

Do I want to put in the effort to get better?
Better than what? What's wrong with now and this moment? (and I quote: "Surely it's not much fun being suicidal and messed up...the point of getting better is that it's not fun being like this!" It's funny when how when someone else says it it sounds different.)
All the little things that keep us going, like good friends and nice conversations don't outweigh the crap that's dumped on all of us on a daily basis.
Those things last for such small amounts of time but then you still have to come home to an empty fridge and dreams deferred.

I want to know why people choose to live.
I don't think a lot of people choose to live at all. They just don't choose to die.

I like that statement --- a lot. I feel accomplished realizing that.

- - -

I think this is past where it should be. It's not beautiful anymore. It's just dark.
It's not thick and hard to see through, it's completely opaque. It's not making things more beautiful, it's making nothing beautiful.
God why is my head taking everything from me?
Oh, wouldn't it be nice to have a somewhat clear head? To only have thoughts of suicide - not wants, not needs. Going out with friends would be fun. Eating out with people wouldn't be stressful.
Sure that is what people live for: things not sucking. Things to be bearable. I guess that does sound nice.

Huh. Doesn't that answer the question?
I'm scared.
I'm just so f****** scared I can't move.

I want to be enveloped so I can just stop thinking about this - so I can stop debating. To be free of everything.

(there is way too much eluding to things in this...I'm not sure I know what I'm eluding to at times)

All of those repeated questions...do you have plans? what are they?
They make me uncomfortable. Honestly, I don't have plans. This makes me feel inadequate; it should make me feel good. I have options and thoughts, but not plans. At least not real ones. I bargin. Like at night I can tell myself that I'll swallow the pills tomorrow or press down more tomorrow.
It's always tomorrow. I realize this is a good thing.

The bad thing is I don't know how long tomorrow will last. Or how much longer tomorrow will be satisfying.
And when it comes down to it, I won't have a plan. I'll have action.

- - -

I feel like I've decided recovery is what I want more than a handful of times.
This obviously has never got me anywhere. Everything gets too real so I back out. I reject it.
So what AM I afraid of?
SUCH a good question.

I need to explore these things. NOW.
Or Tuesday.
:)

So in summary, at 12:49am on Friday, I want to be different. I want to explore.
If all of my head agreed with that, it would be ideal. But it doesn't. I regret this. But that's alright.
I need to give myself time right?


Day 181 - In so many ways you're superior to me

I feel I shouldn’t need to tell you
That just ’cause you can do what you want
It doesn’t mean that you should
And just because the law tells us we’re grown ups now
It doesn’t mean you should allow yourself
To act without thinking harder first
And I’m not saying I’m better than you
In so many ways you are superior to me
No I’m just saying that I’m learning from you
And learning from your mistakes
Saves them from happening to me

All I want is to be honest with you
And say that just because I’m not involved
Doesn’t mean I’m not affected

I tend to stay out, but I can’t help but rue
Because I know you’ve got your head on
And it’s just not what I expected
And I would give up my sight
To know love like the love you have at home

This is my melody for melody
I’d already forgiven you completely
Please don’t regret what you did today
This is my melody for melody
Thanks for awkwardly hugging me so sweetly
And thanks for making my holiday

I know you’re smart at least to make up nice and quickly
But I’m unsure about what’s really going on in 45D
I’ll just sit back and relax, I’ll try to sleep, and ponder
Every word you might be saying and decide if I agree
With the points about love, that you’re making in my head
Should I judge you, or use it to analyse myself instead
Are you even talking about what I’ve guessed
Or should I plug myself back in and try and get some rest

All I try is to be honest with you
I’ll say that you’re a friend and without us
There’d be a lot less here of me
But I’m unsure if we share the same view
I’ve told you what I’m thinking
But you’re yet to tell me if we agree
And all I want is a girl
Who will love me, like she loves you

This is my melody for melody
I’d already forgiven you completely
Please don’t regret what you did today
This is my melody for melody
Thanks for awkwardly hugging me so sweetly
And thanks for making my holiday

Melody For Melody, Charlie McDonnell (GO YOUTUBE SINGERS!)

+1 photo I took when we were closing up at work just for fun.
Also, one more day of text-lyric-inspired photos
re: 365 Please
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 30, 2011 05:03 AM
Your insight-I think that's very very true.

Spoiler: Show
I think that's something I have going on too, every moment I have to chooce. It can also make the better moments better, but it makes the bad ones also worse.
Page:
Page 12 of 23: 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 19 20 21 22 23

ReplySendWatch

Powered by XP Experience Server.
Copyright ©1999-2020 XP.COM, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
XL
LG
MD
SM
XS
XL
LG
MD
SM
XS