Forum: Arts / Photography - Artistic

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re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Mar 29, 2011 01:36 AM
^ Thank you! It's actually our apartment wall, I definitely love it a lot! And the

Day 240

This song is saving me.
www.youtube.com . . .

this one's for the lonely
the ones that are surprised
they only where they are now
regardless of their fight

this one's for the torn down
the experts at the fall
come on friends get up
you're not alone at all.


- - -

I shot the dress rehearsal for my friend's irish dance show (700 pictures worth) so there's no other attempt at shooting today. I took this before leaving for work because I knew I wouldn't feel like doing more.

I just helped my sister make a logo for the front of a local theater's program on photoshop.
(more like I just made a logo for my sister) It turned out really good actually so that's cool. She painted it and scanned it into the computer and then we stuck the layers together etc.
re: 365 Please (karma: 1)
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Mar 30, 2011 01:16 AM
Day 241

There's going to be a lot of positive honesty that scares me in this post.

- - -

Before shooting prior to the performance and during the performance, I went into one of the dressing rooms to do a quick 365 selfie.

There's a million of me! :]

I shot another 600 photos and am going through them now...whew lots of photos. My wrists are arms are actually sore from shooting so much - it's kind of funny.

On a different note, I feel pretty good right now. It's part refreshing, part terrifying, part unknown, part annoying, part helpful.
Mostly just unknown. I'm afraid that I only feel better than most days right now because of all the good things happening - like getting that scholarship, buying lots of stuff, finishing that essay, etc.
But, I do feel like there's something to be said about my current attempts at life. I should be proud so yah...I am?

I felt kind of pretty today.
Talk about unknown.

- - -

I'm afraid to admit it, for fear that I'll sabotage it, but I'm doing a lot better in therapy.

Today was kind of great.

- - -

Also I haven't cut for quite a while. I don't know exactly how long. I don't want to officially say that I'm trying to stop because again I'll just sabotage it since I don't think I'm worth better, so I'm not going to say that...but yah, I'm definitely fighting the urges hard.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:35 PM
Day 242

The hoop ones did NOT work out, and I had very little time to do them...so today is a photog fail.
Whatevs.

I posted two sets of photos that I shot for my friend's irish dance show.
I still have TONS to go through and edit. Also, it's dang impossible shooting in these light conditions without flash. (they were mostly all shot at ISO 1600 and f/2.8 which was the most light/light sensitive I could achieve. That is a situation where I would love to have a pro-body so I could go to ISO 6000 and still have minimal grain and get my exposure right. But on my camera body, 1600 is the highest anyway...and that grain sucks. It makes me sad. But at least it wasn't just all my fault, it did have some to do with conditions I couldn't do too much about it).
There is also a lot of focus issues. Basically this was a big learning experience for sure.

dress rehearsal:
madisonmcphoto.blogspot.com . . .

performance (backstage pics I switched to my 50 f/1.4 to get that DOF )
madisonmcphoto.blogspot.com . . .

Once I get more done in the next week, I'll post a link to those too (if I put them up that is).
re: 365 Please
By RainyDance
On Thu Mar 31, 2011 12:48 AM
Can I just say that I LOVE all of your recent photos of yourself? The last few days are beautiful!
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Mar 31, 2011 04:48 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-03-31 04:54:01
i need to vent about this right now. hopefully get it out of me or something.
ED triggering - please don't read it if that's at all a problem with you. my mind is in a bad place.

- - -

Spoiler: Show

things i know:
I move from one destructive habit to another.

i reached my "kill me" weight last week some time, when I was feeling pretty good overall, and of course that sends me into MAJOR spiral. I was very aware that that weight was the thing that sent me crashing again...it's obvious.

but in some way, I still didn't care. I didn't really eat the next day, but that's still rational. I mean, I think all girls do things like that (like trying to fit in a dress or something so you go on a crash diet for 3 days). It's like that kind of thing to me. I reach that weight and I know I need to change that, so I do.
Unfortunately, it's WAY to easy to gain weight.

I lost to 15 pounds since fall (I hope it's okay to put that since it's not height/weight). I know I'm tall, I know I'm larger framed. I know.

The fact that I've sat at the computer multiple times with the BMI calculator in front of me entering numbers to 1/4 of an inch or 1/4 of a pound difference to get every single possibility. Is that healthy? Blah. Probably not.

Like how there's a .1 difference in my BMI if I'm 5'9.5" vs. 5'9.75"
That .1 is what I obsess over.
It's weird to me that it's all to normal to think this way. Who knows...maybe some people don't think this way? But I feel like most people kind of hate who they are deep down.

anyway, back to the point. i was deeply bothered getting to my kill weight. I want to see the bones.
I'm eating alright though...or I think I am. I don't know - calories are kind of a weird thing to me. I've never really ate a whole lot even when I was young, and according to my calorie counter I should be eating around 1350 calories to maintain my weight. That just seems impossible. I don't know...I feel so guilty of my head and my thoughts. I know it's "wrong" that I'll count 10 goldfish in my calorie counter - or a bite of chocolate. It's about control right? That's what EDs are all about? Well I don't have an ED - lets get that straight. But in some really horribly twisted way I wish I did just so I could small (and I know EDs don't necessarily make you small, that's just where my head goes because when I get really trapped in my food-habits I do loose weight. ). I hate being fat and not fitting into my sister's clothes. I hate feeling my stomach roll over - I just hate it all really bad. Why do I have to think like this? What the heck is wrong with me. I just don't know - I'm scared of what I can do sometimes. Scared of what I can think.
Scared of what I can't control.
When I don't go home, I don't eat.
I just don't want to be home ever again so I can be thin. God - I'm so freaking tired of this.

I always think deep down "you know you need help" but in all honesty, I really don't. There are plenty of people who think they're fat, plenty of people who count calories, etc. I'm just another one of those people. And in some ways, I don't want to admit that nothing is wrong here even though I've never admitted that I thought something was wrong to begin with.
My relationship with food is probably slightly less than healthy, my relationship with my body is probably slightly less than healthy too, but so is everyone else's. I need to stop pretending that I'm so sick and wrong. I'm not. I know I'm fine.

I'm just tired. And fat. And tired of being fat. And I need to do something about that.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Mar 31, 2011 06:36 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-03-31 18:39:05
Day 243 - Safe

i love being here

(#3...I have a thing for shooting slightly out of focus. It's how I feel I guess)

This cover:
www.youtube.com . . .

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how


I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

- - -

If you want to see incredible hooping:
www.youtube.com . . .
Especially 3:10 on. Brecken is so incredible. I cried watching this for sure.

(more photos here: freemadisonmc.blogspot.com . . . )
re: 365 Please
By Believemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:48 PM
I just wanted you say you're beautiful and i'm so sad that I see some of my own thinking in your ED-related thoughts.

I hope you are doing well, lovely.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Apr 01, 2011 09:55 PM
^ Thanks...I'm fine I guess.

- - -

Day 244
I can't try like others would want me to right now.
I can't eat like people would like me to.

I can be okay; that's all I've ever been.

- - -

I tried to make another video hooping, but this time more dancing...and yah this is the outcome of that. Dancing didn't really feel right.
www.youtube.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By QueensJennmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Apr 02, 2011 01:13 AM
^ LOVE that picture. So pretty!!

And this is weird, but I swear I saw a girl that looked EXACTLY like you walking down the street today. In fact, I thought it was you for a split second until I remembered that you live like nowhere near me XD. Just your weird occurance for the day, I guess...
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Apr 02, 2011 02:54 AM
I'm adding a link to an extra picture two days ago on flickr.
It's more important to me than when I first took it - I think it belongs here.
It's not triggering, but the idea of what I'm portraying is kind of triggering I guess? (self-harm) No visible cuts/scars, etc.

I found it interesting since the scars on my arms are so faded that this super-shallow DOF and blown-out exposure make them essentially invisible.
www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:23 AM
I can't reply to your "thwacking" comment because it's now locked. (Well actually, as a mod, I could but I don't wish to abuse the privilege.) So I'll reply here. You must have been so popular at the end of the AF Day shenanigans that it took me about a half hour to thwack you because it always said you were already thwacked. I tried several times. But persistence won out and I was finally able to do it. By then, I was sooooooo exhausted (yeah right...sitting on my butt all evening) I logged off at midnight and had a gin and tonic with Mrs. Chaconne, who actually was recuperating from foot surgery she had earlier in the day. We the podiatrist said she needed a 2nd operation (she had the first two weeks ago) on her foot we actually asked if that was an April Fool. It wasn't.) Since she was on a pain killer, she had to forego the gin part of that drink and had a "tonic and nothing." Dutiful husband that I am, I made French toast for breakfast this morning...something I've never done before. I'm a kitchen disaster. She reminded me that French toast was the first thing she made in Middle School Home Ec. class. Do they still have mandatory Home Ec. class? Girls in the mid-1950's HAD to take it, just as the boys HAD to take shop. In that era boys could NOT take Home Ec. and girls could NOT take shop, which also included drafting. It was front page news in my home town when the first girl (in 1961) took drafting in our high school.

You have a wide and enthusiastic following here on DDN, Madison!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:46 PM
^ Thanks Jon! I think you weren't able to thwack me mostly because I had been thwacked for hours when I wasn't online. But none the less, thank you

Day 245

www.youtube.com . . .
this song ^

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes

Take my hand
We'll hide in the corner
Hide in the corner
Take my hand
We'll hide 'til it's over
'Til it's all over


Corner, Allie Moss

- - -

I'm really hating this 365 right now - more than I have before.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:28 AM
*hug*
re: 365 Please
By Allymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:38 AM
I've been lurking, and now I feel it is necessary to offer what I can...*hugs*
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Apr 03, 2011 03:16 AM
Thank you for the hugs <3

- - -

I'm posting/shooting at 2am because I don't want to sleep...I can't sleep.
But I don't want to wake up tomorrow and doing this will mean I can sleep all day tomorrow.

Day 246

I felt like destroying something beautiful.

I'm loosing.
Again.
What else could I expect?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:00 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-04-03 23:01:17
I took two extras today after all.

On flickr on black
www.flickr.com . . .


The other one is only viewable to friends/family on there so linking to it would be pointless. But I'll put the writing up and put it under a spoiler since it's self-harm triggering. I'm thankful I can write again, even if it's crappy.

Spoiler: Show

drip

only senses miss this.
my eyes that saw the red, the tingle on my scalp
as i dragged familiar things to cause familiar feelings of being here again.
the fall from floating. the emergence from being submerged.
how something can do both I'm not sure.
but that's just the thing isn't it?
it's so perfect that it can't be.
it's so real that it isn't.
and I miss it so much that I don't miss it at all.

- - -

after I wash my hair the water pooling around my feet turns orange
from the red dye coating each strand
and almost every time i think "what have i done?" until I remember it's only
dye.
and then I sit on the computer with my hair still wet and
eventually
one red bead drips onto my arm.
I look down and wonder if it wasn't a dream -
perhaps this is real for once.
But it's not.
and white crinkly lines going up and down remind me of that.

so I wipe away that one little bead of red
wishing it were more.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Apr 05, 2011 01:55 AM
Day 247
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Apr 05, 2011 03:46 PM
Wow that first photo ^ is stunning! The lighting is just perfect. And the angle makes it look like somebody that's not you.
Very cool. I love light sparkling on hair.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Apr 06, 2011 03:39 AM
I might be gone for a few days...I'm really numb and disconnected right now...I don't know...I'll probably be fine...just wanted to let anyone who would care know.
re: 365 Please
By RainyDance
On Wed Apr 06, 2011 11:38 AM
Come back soon! Use the time to do what you love, and to rest and recover, because you deserve it.
re: 365 Please
By djcharamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Apr 06, 2011 02:51 PM
Oh girl... I miss you already. And basically what RainyDance said- just be easy on yourself, let yourself relax.

Huge hugs.

Oh and I forgot to tell you before, I love your hair feathers :)
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Apr 06, 2011 07:44 PM
I care! I would make you cookies if you didn't live so far away...
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Apr 06, 2011 09:49 PM
We care...hurry back.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Fri Apr 08, 2011 10:42 PM
Take as long as you need... just come back to us. *hug*
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:08 PM
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm kind of still around, just not really posting...still on break from that. I'm alive, battling some intense thoughts and urges but doing okay I guess.
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