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re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon May 30, 2011 04:30 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-05-30 04:33:33
emotion rant

you know sometimes I figure this is no way to live.
but i don't feel worth any better.
i'm not worth feeling any better.
you know what? It's been 8 f****** years.
8.
I think I have to come to terms that I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life, however long that is, and that's not something anyone really wants to come to terms with.

i feel sick. wrong. horrible. weak. disgusting. fat. huge. shaken. nervous. sad. exhausted.
everyday.

and what's awesomely screwed up is I know I'm not that "bad."
like I'm completely aware it could be 4 million times worse. I could actually need help instead of just going to therapy for no reason except to talk about music.
it has been worse...I've been worse. things aren't really better right now, but they're different. i should be fine by now. i should be f***** fine.

food trig
Spoiler: Show
seriously the most ridiculous thing EVER:
I've done okay the last couple days regarding restriction. Kind of...well better than I've been doing the last month.
But really - I just sit here at 3am and think - you're never going to look thin if you keep this up. you're never going to be happy, pretty, boney, in control.

you're never going to have any of that and every single day - every single bite is screwing up everything.

and I know - i'm a girl. we all have weird food habits and thoughts. that's just how it is really. even you confident people out there: you can't tell me you're never ate something and thought "oh I shouldn't have ate that" (or something along those lines).

and when my therapist asked me what my intake was and I told him honestly...gah it's just so freaking high. and all he said was that it's too low; he gave me percents of what I should eat like I don't know. but if i eat like that I gain weight instantly. and i'm not kidding. i'm barley exercising right now so I have to keep my intake lower just in general. that makes sense yes?

but I was so ashamed at how high is was coming out of my mouth. like now I know he can discount that as another one of my quirks that can be put back on the shelf because how I eat isn't really isn't that bad.
and the days following that I felt like I needed to prove him wrong like he said that I ate fine or something, which again, he didn't. he said the opposite but i didn't hear that. so I cut food out pretty much completely. it's not hard. it's just empty. and the water hits the bottom of your stomach every time you take a sip and you feel like you're accomplishing something - holding onto something.

and the guilt. the freaking guilt that (no pun intended) eats you alive. you eat the freaking soup...maybe half of the can. then you have half of a bagel . you know it's too much. but you can't really do anything about it. well no...you can. you just know you [i]shouldn't[i]
and that's one of the worst feelings in the world. having food in you that you NEED to get out.


and what really sucks is right now, I have tickets to a concert on Tuesday and one two weeks from now. I love music - more than I can explain really. and I can't really enjoy concerts like I would hope to. I just feel sick the whole time, wishing I could just calm my head for a little bit.

and what really sucks is I can't sleep at night but i can all day. and nighttime is lonely and dull and long.

and what really sucks is I couldn't fit into my sister's skirt today and I have to laugh it off because my mom was right there. all i wanted to do was punch my stomach - to make it go away.






there's just nothing.
i'm nothing but a ghost.
it's what I've always wanted to be.
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Mon May 30, 2011 08:45 AM
^^Capture this happy moment and hang onto it!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:28 PM
Day 305
what a difference a day makes

i'm not doing too well.
re: 365 Please
By Believemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 1855, member since Sat Oct 14, 2006
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:31 PM
Your hair is gorgeous.
I'm sorry you're not doing well.
I'm here if you need a vent, either on here or on tumblr.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:33 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:47:39
day 305 above are all SOOC by the way

- - -

day 306

I went to the Bright Eyes concert and it was freaking fantastic. I have this thing with concerts...it's like that feeling I used to get on roller coasters. You just have to yelp or something and your stomach is dropping.
Basically, this whole concert I kept laughing instead of yelping, although I'm sure both are pretty acceptable.

I took around 400 photos and was up on the balcony. My sister just came back from a 4-day music festival so she didn't want to stand up and I was okay with that.

Part 1 of the rest (that aren't so madly processed) are here:
madisonmcphoto.blogspot.com . . .

I'll post the rest eventually. I still have round 45 photos to go through/process

Also, this was a major development in low-light concert-like settings. I've always been baffled by what the heck I should shoot at and never felt like I was getting what I wanted.
So I spot-metered, chose EACH focus point for every single photo which took a little getting used to (rolling through them and re-composing every second very quickly I might add - whooo that's work! I wish I had more focus points now! I've never used them a ton I've just let my camera choose which in 95% of situations is fine. ), shot in aperture priority and manual depending on the lighting changes and when in aperture priority with an exposure bias from around 1 to 1.5 stops under.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:35 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:37:05
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:50:41
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:53:18 spoiler codes c'mon
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:53:59
Day 307

complete with MAJOR diary catch up.

triggering sh/ed/suicide under spoilers

So this is happening. I haven't updated anything on here I feel like for a while so if you feel like you need to know what's going on, here you go. I tried to keep it somewhat succinct.

- - -

my mom just gave notice at our apartment so we have 30 days to get out.
we’re then moving back in with my grandma for a bit so my mom can save up rent money and then we’re probably moving to california.

and my dad texted me all like “oh well keep me in your plans…you can always stay here…I love you, etc” and I just think, “do you NOT remember strangling me against a wall?” I kind of don’t forgive you for that, just saying.

it bothers me to think that I would have to find a new therapist.

and I really do like change and new situations. I don’t feel out of control because of things changing around me, I just feel out of control in general.
Spoiler: Show
my eating is really falling right now. i haven’t cut in a while - maybe two weeks, I don’t keep track - but I need something to focus on.

my mom slipped a disc on mothers day so now she has medications. previously, the only meds we had in our apartment was allergy stuff. so now, just knowing it’s there, and knowing I could OD on it anytime now…I mean it’s probably a bad thing but I like that comfort as always. and she’s leaving town tomorrow. and i just can't stop thinking about it


I contacted my therapist about coming in for an extra session today. he said he didn’t have anything open but had something for Friday. I have work friday and no means for transportation besides the bus since my mom is going to be out of town (which obviously takes longer than driving) so I told him that it was okay and basically never mind. then he said “if you are asking it is important.”
and that's nice of him.
SO I’m going to actually wake up tomorrow bright and early to leave on the bus and have a 45 minute session and then quickly run to the bus stop, head downtown to work, switch busses and work from 1 to close.
and saturday I work a 7.5 hour shift again.

Spoiler: Show
so really, I guess that’s a blessing in disguise since things like work and school always helped me keep me from acting on urges since I feel like I have made a prior commitment to them.
in other ways I think forget that - like that really matters to me.

i really need to tell my therapist what’s going on. i have really serious plans…i just don’t know what to do you know? I’m not going to the freaking hospital again and I don’t want anyone to have to be all over me and not leave me alone because that almost makes things worse. I just want to be able to work through these things on my own, but I can’t.


/end blaaaahhh
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:36 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-02 22:38:31
fail at posting...arughhh

Whoops! Sorry Ashley, I didn't see you post since I was posting at the same time. Thanks for being here, lovely! I really, really need someone to be here the next couple of days...I'll hit you up on tumblr perhaps
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Jun 04, 2011 02:15 AM
Day 308

i'm but a monster.

I don't think I recognize who's in the mirror.
there's just...there's just too much mistake.

i'm tired.

- - -

None of your friends have very high opinions of you,
they don't understand why anyone would want to love you.
They don't know why, neither do I.
They don't know why, neither do I.


- - -

I'm going to be really needy and please ask for anyone who reads this to just say hi and let me know you're still there...I'm really falling apart and could use a bit of support. No need to be fancy...just to know that I still have people here helps.

every little bit helps right?
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sat Jun 04, 2011 08:21 AM
I'm here to say "Hi" to you, Madison. I will have to play catchup after next week...Tuesday, my wife and I go to Florida to see my Mom (age 91) for a week. Little or no internet access when we are down there. Mom is not "wired." There is a small internet room at our timeshare in Orlando, but usually a line to get on it and time limits most times.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By RainyDance Comments: 510, member since Thu May 04, 2006
On Sat Jun 04, 2011 02:56 PM
I'm here! I've been lurking, I haven't posted in awhile so I have some catching up to do. First, I LOVE your new haircut, it's so funky and cute! Second, the bubble photo and the photos from the concert... just wow. Third, you're going to be a California girl like me! :) Do you know what area you might be moving to?

How was the session with your therapist yesterday? Hang on girly, we're all here for you.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:42 PM
I'm still here and lurking too.

Hope the session with your therapist went OK.

**BIG HUGS**
re: 365 Please
By girlwithghilliesmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1044, member since Fri Nov 26, 2004
On Sun Jun 05, 2011 02:09 AM
Hey there. I'm another lurker, although I don't think I've ever commented in here. Your pictures are lovely and I really admire their creativity. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Hang in there, you deserve happiness.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Jun 05, 2011 02:34 AM
Jon - thank you for the hi and hello to you as well.
Enjoy Florida if you get this before you leave and if you read this when you get back I hope you had a lovely time!

RainyDance -
Thank you for being here and for the compliment on my hair and photos. As far as CA goes, I don't know. Probably kind of northernish. My mom grew up kind of in Susanville/Yuba City/Sacrmento/Chico/Redding areas (I'm not sure which really...I know we have family/her friends in all those areas). I personally have always wanted to live in San Francisco though.

My session was just kind of fluff. I wrote this thing out and after I wrote it the next day I thought I would give it to him, but I decided not to once I got there. The food-stuff is coming up more and it's making me really uncomfortable.
kind of food-triggery so I want to be respectful:
Spoiler: Show
He asked me what my intake was last week which I kind of wrote about here, and he told me this last session that I needed to let him know if it dropped below that and I just kind of mumbled "it does..." so then he wanted to know what my "low intake" or "how low it gets" was and then when I told him he basically said that I won't be able to live on that.
But it's not like...I mean I'm so fat. And I don't eat my "low intake" every single day either. So I don't know...but he said he's not taking that away from me and he's not going to make me raise my intake, but he wants to work with me to increase my "low intake" number so when I do have days like that it's not so bad.

I didn't say anything about my plans or anything - I think I need to give myself time since I have it.
He did do a total crazy-therapist-I-know-things-you-don't-say thing but it's kind of too complicated to explain. Still it baffles me when he comes up with these super specific things about how/why I think/act and they're so spot on. Then he always asks, "Is that anywhere near what's going on?" or something like that and I'm just sitting there like "uhhhhhh...just a little." (with sarcasm of course).
Basically it was involving self-sabotaging and moods and I'll just leave it at that.

Caffeine -
Thanks for lurking and thank you for the hugs!
I wrote a little bit above about the session.

girlwithghillies
Hi there new commenter! Thank you for your kind words, I'm trying to work on believing I'm worth more than this but it's really hard.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Jun 05, 2011 02:44 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-05 02:51:55
Day 309

i didn't find what I was looking for.

suicide triggering -
Spoiler: Show
I had work all day long (well a 7.5 hour shift at least). I'm completely exhausted before I go from the moment I wake up. I can't eat there because it makes me feel too anxious. the day is long and that's nothing new. I also started crying staring at the wall deep in nothing. After work I get dropped off at home my sister and her boyfriend who was taking her friend's birthday party. I tell her I'm just going to sleep because I'm so tired. We say goodbye and I turn to walk up the stairs to the apartment, check everything on my ipod, think briefly about the note I haven't finished - the ones with instructions for people to follow through after I'm gone regarding "loose ends" which is mostly people online. I shrug it off though, I'm too tired to write it now.
I go to my mom's room and glance at her bedside table.
There's no bottles. No pills. None of what I was looking for. I open the drawers and find empty bottles of her chemo medication.
She took all her pain pills from her slipped disc with her to California for the weekend.

She took them.

I tossed an empty bottle on her bed. Left the room and grabbed my camera.
Took this photo, put the bottle back in the drawer and walked back into my room, folded at my hips, face planted into my bed, and just stayed there. The sun beating through the window.

Even if I wasn't going to do it - just the comfort of having them there, feeling them in my hand. I need to be sustained somehow.


i'm waiting
at least i'm waiting.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Jun 06, 2011 02:17 AM
Day 310

i shot my sister and her boyfriend out by his parent's house today.

there were around 500 photos and I narrowed it down to about 200 as the top ones to cut down to the final final ones to edit, but I'm much too tired to even start that so I just did this one.

I'll probably have more later but I kind of doubt it.
re: 365 Please
By djcharamember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 967, member since Mon Jan 11, 2010
On Mon Jun 06, 2011 08:45 AM
I'm here :) Your new hair looks amazing.
Huge hugs and you can always PM if you need to
re: 365 Please
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 4193, member since Thu May 01, 2003
On Wed Jun 08, 2011 01:45 PM
Sorry I've had computer trouble, but I'm here now, but a little ate for saying hi. You have been in my thoughts! *hugs*
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3478, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Thu Jun 09, 2011 03:27 PM
I'm thinking of you! I've been distracted lately because I've been trying to help a friend who's moved across the country to be here, and she has similar struggles as you, and needs a lot of support.
I was feeling a little guilty that I hadn't looked at your pictures or commented in some time.

Happy Graduation!!!! That grade point is something to be very proud of. what are your plans now? college? work? move and then see what's up?

Beautiful bubble by the way. Is that your sister in the blue dress?^ looks like a hospital bracelet on her....

Justine
re: 365 Please
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 4193, member since Thu May 01, 2003
On Sat Jun 11, 2011 04:44 PM
Are you ok? Stupid question, of course you are not. But are you at least still with us?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:33 PM
I'm with you still...sorry I've been away.

I don't know if I'll update anytime soon photo-wise (well just in general really), but I get emails when people reply to this and I check my email more frequently.
Thank you for all the continued support.
re: 365 Please
By RainyDance Comments: 510, member since Thu May 04, 2006
On Thu Jun 16, 2011 01:28 AM
Keep hanging on, we're all thinking of you.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Jun 18, 2011 01:34 PM
I thought I would give a (really) quick update before I head off to work.

eating triggering
Spoiler: Show

Moving is overwhelming me a lot more than I expected...restricting has really headed south and I'm having a really hard time getting myself to eat more than a certain amount. It's making me "happy" though. All day I'll be fine and actually quite full of energy and then at night I break and bawl while I pack. I know I'm not eating enough, but it's all I have right now...I don't know, I'm just going to leave it at that.


i haven't been hooping because I just haven't felt like it. Maybe 2 weeks ago I did and it was okay.

Pictures are really horrible right now, I'm actually kind of embarrassed.

Seattle was alright...I don't remember if I mentioned that I was going there for a concert or not...but I went shopping and bought a bunch of new clothes at the giant Forever 21 downtown for super good deals and that's always fun.

I'm having major retail-therapy problems right now. I can't stop myself from buying things online. I think that I finally don't have one big, giant, expensive thing to save for (like my imac or my lens) and taking into consideration that I'm feeling really lost and impulsive, I just see things online and want to buy them right NOW.

I'm working all day everyday next week except Tuesday and Sunday (we're closed Sunday) and I'm kind of scared to do that...I might not be able to keep it together. Work is always really triggering and distressing and being there 9:45-5:45 days in a row might not be super healthy for me. But my paycheck is going to be the highest it's ever been so that's exciting.

We officially are renting a 2-bedroom house in Yuba City, CA as of July 15. My mom is staying here until the end of August to save up money and whatever and she said I can do whatever I want to regarding when I want to go down there. I honestly don't know when I want to go down and that's a hard thing to figure out.
My best friend is leaving for CA for a month next week and I'm afraid I won't be able to see her (for basically, years not to be dramatic). So that makes me want to stay a little longer. I think perhaps beginning of August I'll go down...but I really don't know.

I've started looking for a new therapist and that's also REALLY freaking me out.

There are, I believe 3 Starbucks so I'm planning on taking a couple months to try to find a job down there too. There's a possibility of me finally being able to have a dog at this house, but I kind of doubt it...ehh I'll never have a job.

suicide
Spoiler: Show
in that aspect, things aren't very good. Everything is so automatically brought into the "why don't you just get it over with." i'm getting really tired and really tired of trying. I don't know if moving will help or just help isolate me more...


i just don't know anything...

thank you everyone for sticking with me.

I have a tumblr now, if you want to link please PM me. I don't really want to share it with everyone. It's also triggering.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Mon Jun 20, 2011 03:38 AM
*hug* Hang in there. I hope you get through the week at work OK, and you get time to see your friend before she leaves (and you get to see her again after you move - vacations, etc). *hug*

(I totally know what you mean about impulsive retail therapy. I used to spend a TON on online stores - ebay and Victoria's Secret were my nemeses - but I could. not. stop. It's under control now, but I am still an impulse-shopper... )
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:26 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-22 23:28:15
ed trig
Spoiler: Show
my therapist was talking to me about my intake and things...and he called it my "eating disorder" then paused and said, "yes, I am going to call it that," because I'm sure my face said "excuse me? 'eating disorder?' me?"

it scares me a little and at the same time it's so comforting.

i really out of control and feeling so lost. but i'm so happy. I so have it together.


i could really use a lot of hugs.
re: 365 Please
By RainyDance Comments: 510, member since Thu May 04, 2006
On Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:49 AM
(((HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS)))

I've been away working for the past two weeks so I haven't been able to visit. You live about four hours from me! And only twoish hours away when I'm at school. Know that you have an internet buddy nearby sending you good thoughts. :]
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