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re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Jun 29, 2011 09:59 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-06-29 10:00:52
Thank you for the hugs (and wow, that's close!)

- - -

Super short update -
Last week's therapy session included it being slightly-officially told to me that I have an ED. My mind has been all over the place bouncing from "you really have a problem" to the ever-present "you're stupid, get over yourself" like always, but I feel like maybe it being told to me by my therapist has helped a little in the back of my mind where I'm rational and know I have a problem.

(it was also brought to my attention yesterday that my depression (with how chronic it is) is actual depression, not just feeling depressed...I hope that difference makes sense to everyone out there. Basically that scares me because I'm sick, I'm not just sulking in pity.)

Anyway, I told my mom about my ED last night. She doesn't get it at ALL but I wouldn't expect her to. I figure though, eventually she has to know/she finds out/etc and it just makes things slightly more awkward but she can't/doesn't do anything about it so she might as well know.

My mom and I in general have been talking a bit more (more like me talking/trying to explain things and her getting overwhelmed/confused). It's weird being somewhat honest, and at the same time it's pointless because she doesn't quite understand anyway. So slightly frustrating, but also good? I don't know...heh.

- - -

I'm off to work now.
I hope you all out there are getting by okay, I think about you lots and lots. Probably more than you know. Yes, all of you out there (even you lurkers!).


Here are some photos since that's what this thread is suppossed to be for...photog and me haven't been super close lately. I've been especially depressed the last 3 weeks and haven't had a lot of energy to get out and shoot.

day 327
www.flickr.com . . .

day 328
www.flickr.com . . .

day 330
www.flickr.com . . .

Some more photos:
madisonmcphoto.blogspot.com . . .

- - -

Thank you everyone so much for your love and support :D

I'll update about the move soon.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:47 PM
No internet for who knows how long...

…so this is goodbye.

for now.

We’re disconnecting it within the next two days since we’re moving. My grandma does have internet, but it’s not wireless and she has one old, amazingly slow computer that she spends a lot of time on so I don’t know how often I’ll be able to get on anything.

I do though have my iTouch and will painstakingly go to Starbucks to poke around on the internet when I can. [oh my life is so hard. tiny screen what do i do with you?]

I do get PMs and will have time to check this account probably still pretty often (like at work...shhh it's a secret!). For any messages I get I just want to thank you all ahead of time.
Also any replies on here I get. But if you want to chat or whatever, PMs are best.

I'll try to update when I can, but sorry ahead of time for not replying to individual comments. Since I probably will be on my iTouch, typing is a pain in the rear!

to everyone: i’ll be thinking of you. i wish things were better…i think about that the most. all the pain that none of you deserve.
for all of you that are doing okay right now, i still send my love.

- - -

okay, the amazing cheesiness of this is overwhelming. I think i've lost a lot of followers of this thread recently, but that's okay.
re: 365 Please
By Prima_ballerina5member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1078, member since Fri May 27, 2005
On Fri Jul 01, 2011 03:47 AM
My last few comments don't seem to have worked, but best of wishes for the move!
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Fri Jul 01, 2011 05:57 AM
All the best for the move. I hope it goes really smoothly, and the transition and settling-in process is as easy as possible.

( I know I haven't commented much of late, but I have been thinking about you. )

*hug*
re: 365 Please
By Martha_Cecillemember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1128, member since Sun Oct 12, 2008
On Fri Jul 01, 2011 06:17 AM
I hope you have a good move. Don't worry we will still be here :)
Have a nice time at starbucks and order a chai tea latte with soy milk for me!
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Jul 19, 2011 03:58 AM
Just wanted to see how you're doing these days, whether the move went well, and most importantly, if you're ok.

*hug*
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3478, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Thu Jul 21, 2011 01:25 PM
Hi. I'm thinking of you too! I can't remember whether you were moving locally or far, but in any case hope everything is as good as it can be, and your last shots were really nice!!! That's one of my favorite times of day period and for shooting :)
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Jul 30, 2011 05:05 PM
i have a minute at work to use the internet (still don't have internet at "home")...i've gotten all the pms and comments, i wish i had time to reply right now, but instead here's an update:
i finished my 365 yesterday.

personal update:
it feels like the world keeps closing in on me again and again and i keep freaking out...and i can't even explain it, but i'm really scared. i don't know what's going on, but i can't do it much longer. Spoiler: Show
depression has hit me like a wave again. full force. eating is crappy. i can't stop thinking about suicide and i keep getting pulled back into fighting against urges - especially when i'm all panicky and all over the place. i'm trying not to think about...well emotion...because it's too dark in my head right now. i'm just so, so tired.


thank you everyone so much for the continued love and support.

my boss is coming back so i'll talk to you all later.
re: 365 Please (karma: 1)
By dancingthrulife1 Comments: 428, member since Mon Jan 14, 2008
On Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:15 PM
So I just read through 22 pages this because what you're doing here is to amazing, both the photography and your honesty. Sending hugs, positive thoughts, and anything else I can give your way. I've never been quite where you are but pain is a familiar thing... Or it once was, so feel free to PM me. I can't fix anything, but I can be there to listen.

We Care.

You're beautiful.

You've inspired all of us.
re: 365 Please
By Prima_ballerina5member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1078, member since Fri May 27, 2005
On Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:54 AM
Edited by Prima_ballerina5 (131898) on 2011-08-02 00:55:13
Firstly, congratulations on finishing the 365. I can't wait until you have the oppurtunity to shre them with us. I hope you are still continuing to take photos because you have such amazing talent.

Secondly, I'm thinking of you. I wish I could offer advice, I wish that I could help to fight your demons, but all I can say is that I'm here.
re: 365 Please
By djcharamember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 967, member since Mon Jan 11, 2010
On Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:12 PM
Huge congrats for finishing the 365! That is an amazing accomplishment. Also, I'd like to pass on a compliment from my friend- She's really artistic and we were talking about people who take good photos, and so I showed her your flickr, and she was amazed and said your photos are beautiful and they give her goosebumps.

You my dear are one of the most phenomenally inspiring people that I know of. It's a big enough accomplishment to complete a 365 full of amazing photos, which you have done. But to keep at it even with everything that you're going through is just... wow.

I wish I could give you a hug in person, but an internet hug will have to do... As Primaballerina said, I wish I could help you, and I don't think I can. But I'm only a PM or a text away if you ever need anything.
re: 365 Please (karma: 4)
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Aug 18, 2011 01:27 PM
I wish I had time to go into detail right now as it's been nearly a month since I'm posted.

I feel like maybe things are changing.

First off, hugest most giant thank yous to everyone who looks/reads/comments. I cry reading your comments all the time...I'm so so amazed by all of your love and compassion - every one of you. I would like to thank you all individually but I'm so far behind and all that I can't but know that all of you individuals are absolutely amazing and beautiful and I'm so grateful for you all.

Secondly, I'm not moving to CA. My sister is down there and my mom and I are living rent-free at my Grandparent's house right now. I weighed the options and I know it really isn't a good idea for me to be moving down there right now with my job and therapist and my best friend's last year of high school. I miss my sister tons but I know she's having a good time.

- - -

Long story short, I took a huge leap of faith after much internal fighting to apply to beauty school. I finished my financial aid application and my application for the school last night and am in the process of getting an interview for admittance. I’m so scared that what happened last year will happen again and I’ll get so extremely depressed and unsafe…but then I thought about how at this point, I do feel more confident in my ability to reach out before I get to a point where I’m unable to function or in danger.

I’ve gained weight…I’m back to my “healthy” weight that my body loves to be at. It’s hard to see myself in the mirror like this although everyone still tells me I still look thin. I’m battling really hard to accept my body the way it is and let go of the control of eating disorders. I have good and bad days but I’m working on it.

My 18th birthday is tomorrow. This time last year I was crying at my mom telling her to please not make me do anything for my birthday because I only see it as a mockery of the fact that I’m still alive. I would like to say that now a year later I don’t think that at all, but it’s still in the back of my mind. But I’m trying to let go of living like this. I know it’s not that simple and it never has been, but giving into the help, surrendering to honesty and the help that I need.

- - -

In all honesty, I’m doing okay right now. Not to say I’m not working my butt off to be “okay” but still.
I’m thankful to be swimming above the waves right now.
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Thu Aug 18, 2011 03:16 PM
First off Happy Birthday (if a day early.) I am very happy that you are actually looking forward to your birthday for the reasons you stated and this is one of the most upbeat things I've seen from you since I started following what really started as a photo critiquing exercise for me.

Jon
re: 365 Please
By Prima_ballerina5member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1078, member since Fri May 27, 2005
On Thu Aug 18, 2011 05:20 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It's so amazing to hear all of the positive things that you said in your post. And good luck with Beauty School!
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Thu Aug 18, 2011 09:27 PM
Happy birthday! :D

I'm so glad to hear you're doing OK at the moment, and it made me smile to read all the positive things you've just posted. I'm glad you're not letting your demons get in the way of the bright, bold future you were meant to have. :)

Best of luck with beauty school!
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3478, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Sun Aug 28, 2011 11:31 AM
Congratulations! So hapy to hear that you are continuing to move up and onwards!
Keep us updated with how the admission process goes. Hope you get in :)
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Sep 01, 2011 06:04 PM
Thank you so much everyone! I had a pretty good birthday, nothing too exciting.

Mostly because, the real excitement was to come! I was finally 18 and could finally get my tattoo!
Here's the post in the body art forum:
www.dance.net . . .

- - -

Somewhat short update time:

I got into beauty school no problem, it's more of a "everyone gets in as long as there's still space in the next class" kind of situation. You have an entry exam but it's super easy using-your-brain mostly common sense kind of questions.

I was going to start Novemeber 1st and it sounded perfect and it still kind of does, but I feel all the crappy depression stuff coming over me again. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be managing it enough for me to feel comfortable starting school, but I really don't feel comfortable now. So as of a few days ago, I'm most likely going to start January 10th. That'll give me 4 months to work and save money and keep going to therapy and hopefully get somewhere in managing my brain.

I also was just asked to teach a beginners tap class at a local kid's theater that my sister used to participate in and then also worked at once she graduated. I'm pretty nervous about that since I've never taught tap really, especially to kids. Luckily they're pretty easy and not super-serious so it's not hopefully going to be too hard. I'm working on a outline for classes right now and the session lasts 10 weeks.

That was definitely another reason to not start school until later because I'll be all stressed going from one thing to another and stress doesn't help depression for me (or for most people I'm guessing).

My best friend started her senior year yesterday and I keep being amazed at how amazing she is.

It sucks really, but everything seems so amazing to me right now because I'm feeling pretty down. Everything gains more significance and everything becomes more of a spectacle. Gifts and curses right?

I'm going to HoopCamp the 21st this month which I know will be lovely no matter how crappy I feel. Just being able to see people around you express themselves and pour themselves into something like that is always amazing.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Sep 12, 2011 01:31 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2011-09-12 13:33:44
I should start a diary again...for now I'll just update here.

Update:
I HAVE INTERNET!

personal update:

suicide triggering
Spoiler: Show
I was probably as close as I've ever been on friday. i sat in the tub for who knows how long fighting with my head. completely planning on doing it that night.
you know better...this isn't the solution...do it now...you know there's nothing more than this...you can't do this...you can do this

it was around 11:10 when I got out of the tub and removed my supplies from the area I was in. i went to my room and sat on my bed really anxious and feeling crappy and I still didn't feel safe.

I gave myself the time ultimatum, at 11:20 I would go upstairs to my mom if I still wasn't feeling safe. time was moving really slow so ten minutes was a long time to just sit there.

At 11:20 I didn't feel any better.
I headed upstairs, everyone asleep, opened my mom's door and whispered, "mom?"
She was basically still awake, she said something I don't recall, I walked over to her bed crashed into it and laid there in a ball, crying.

She asked me what was wrong but I didn't say anything.
I stayed there for a while, maybe 2 hours or so, and started trying to pull myself back up. Slowly I uncurled my body and sat up.

I said a couple things about how I thought I was okay again. I wasn't super-coherent and kind of just repeated myself for another 30 minutes or so. Eventually, I said I needed to go to work so I should go to sleep. My mom followed me as I drug my body from room to room down two flights of stairs into my bed. I set my alarms...my head felt really blurry...and at some point my mom ended up sleeping in the living room downstairs on my extra mattress that we keep the closet under the stairs.

I woke hours later after my alarms went off to my mom still in the living room sleepily saying "i didn't hear your alarms." No one ever does, I keep them really low.

I went to work. Skipped lunch. We were really busy so I had an excuse. I stayed happy but I was exhausted. I got through the day okay considering.


Since then my mom and I have had a couple small conversations about what to do with me. I didn't tell her about what happened that night and for all she knows I was just upset. So now I'm doing some type of evaluation and testing and things that apparently take hours and basically are a pain in the butt. They had an opening in October because someone canceled which is a huge deal because generally they have a 4-8 month wait to even get it. My mom said she did contact them quite a few months ago though so I don't know if they put me down or whatever already though.

I don't know a whole lot of what's going to happen now, but that's what has happened recently. I know the outcome of all this testing and stuff is putting me on medication. I'm still iffy about that just because there is a part of me that really feels like I must just be being prideful and won't get over myself and I'm a teenager and all teenagers go through this which makes it really unnecessary. But there's a part of me that says I'm sick. There's a part of me that hears people say it's all teenage trouble but doesn't believe them because this started when I was 10. There's a part of me that wants the help. But there's a part of me that really thinks I'm just being stupid and that I'm not worth help that I don't need.

I don't feel completely unsafe right now, but I definitely feel really depressed. I don't remember if I mentioned that I was asked to teach a tap class, but I called and said that I wouldn't be able to. I'm trying to be easy on myself.

I'm going to try and keep you all updated as things happen and I might start a diary again on here so I won't keep posting here.

- - -

I'm trying to be hopeful.
as it came, it will go
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3478, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Mon Sep 12, 2011 02:18 PM
Yay! you have internet! Awesome.
You know, you may want to reconsider teaching that tap class. It will keep you busy, will be enjoyable (I promise), and may even help.
I have heard that for people who suffer from depression it can help for them to reach out and help other people. Teaching is a satisfying, and fun way of helping others learn.
I really really think that you would enjoy teaching that class more than if you didn't teach it at all.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Sep 12, 2011 02:25 PM
^ Thanks...it actually was causing a lot of anxiety and stress. It's a short 10-week once class a week thing for a kid's theater group and you have to make a 5-10 minute showcase by the end of it. I've never taught tap before let alone tried to choreograph that long of a dance in that short amount of time. Plus, I would be teaching on my only day off that I really kind of need right now. I'm working a lot so it's nice to have a breather. I also have a camp I'm leaving for on a wednesday and getting back monday. I would have been teaching Tuesday so I would have been teaching the night before I fly out and then the day after we drive back.

I do like teaching though, I taught a teen beginner ballet class there a few summers back and it was really fun (although I think they were all bored to tears since it was ballet, haha).

And with the testing and stuff, my day off is going to be the primary day that I'll hopefully be able to get appointments. Basically, it just wasn't going to be the best thing for me. Too stressful to cram into my schedule right now.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Mon Sep 12, 2011 05:50 PM
Yay for internet !I'm glad to see you back and posting again.
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3478, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Wed Sep 14, 2011 08:09 PM
^^ hoooooo boy! That is a busy schedule! I'm really sorry. I take back what I said.
yea I definitely agree that considering how much is expected out of that class is a bit much. especially with the other stuff you're doing.
good for you for taking a break when you need it. :)
*sorry again*
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Sep 15, 2011 11:03 AM
Thanks Caffeine!

No problem, Reidfidleir...I didn't really explain what was going on to begin with ;)
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 02, 2011 08:05 PM
personal update here...triggering depression, suicide, ed

www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By Prima_ballerina5member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1078, member since Fri May 27, 2005
On Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:14 AM
There are three things that I know to be true with complete conviction:
1. You are an amazing photographer. Your photos constantly leave me in awe.
2. You're beautiful, and
3. You're strong enough to beat this.

Don't ever doubt it.
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