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re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 10, 2010 11:45 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-10 23:45:55
It's a dream, but that's what's supposed to keep us going anyway, to get paid for this. In any way...anything...it would just be insane. This is all I want to do all day long, it is what I do with any second of spare time I have.
And then I see how amazing other people are...and then I jump off my "hey, I'm actually okay at this" cloud. But that's okay. One needs to stay humble and grounded...and disappointed...I mean...errr...yah.

- - -

Linking to my flickr again, if anyone wants to check it out :D
Everything on here plus more is on there.
www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Oct 11, 2010 09:14 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-11 21:17:51
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-11 22:42:43
Day 71: Limbo (WEEK THEME!)
#1 is the actual day 71, btw.

So I decided once I took this this would be my theme of the week: my difficultly being in a constant state of limbo. May it be between happy and sad, what I want and what I don't, what I believe and what I think, and so on on so forth. My therapist says some people swing back and forth between these types of things, and instead I sit right in the middle holding on to both of the two sides. (I really can't explain things right now...sorry...)

Yipee for theme weeks...I need the modivation.

This is, unfortunately, one of those pictures I must explain. And if you have to explain it it generally isn't a good shot, but whatever.
I see it two ways:
#1: As a "choose what hat you want to wear" today, metaphorically speaking of course
#2: As a slight homage to always having to choose things out of hats that no one ever wants to choose. If you have to choose it out of a hat, you're screwed. The elusive quality and mystery of choosing your fate our of a hat.
#3: (yah I know I said TWO ways) HATS ARE MAGICAL! I mean c'mon magician pull bunnies out of them, who knows what I could pull out of them!


Also the whole "it's your choice to be this way" thought is floating around in my brain right now bugging me as always.
Choose happiness. It's easy right.
I'm blind.

---

I just want to express myself.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Tue Oct 12, 2010 09:14 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-12 21:20:59 haha, it's not day 71 again.
20% mark whohoo!

Day(s) 72: Let Go (A Breakthrough)

#1: Let Go
#2: Alternative
#3: Test shot I liked
#4: BLOOPERS
#5: Hilarious blooper/test shot
#6: Sorry trees...

I broke through in therapy.
It only took...5 months...haha.

I wore my "Alive" shirt from TWLOHA today also, and it was very apporpiate. It reads: "Wake up / you're alive / we're on your side"

(This is from after the session. Walking to the bus and sitting for the bus. It's not edited, it's completely truthful and embarrassing but that's okay.)

3:58
You were explaining something.
I thought about how terrified I am to say anything. I held my breath
and let go. (crying)

It's okay to be scarred.

Later:
Overwhelming relief and happiness
The feeling you're going to burst

This IS
A good thing.

I can do this.
I will be free

I said exactly what I wanted to

I don't care what people think.
This is ME

I'm worth the pride.
I'm worth the joy.

I let go and flew away. And it was just as perfect as I thought it should be.

This is me. And I love it.
Hold on, make this last forever.

Perfect.

Now I sit at the bus stop on the verge of tears not because I'm disappointed, but because of the joy of being free. Because I can feel what's right. Because I can see what people mean when they say things get better.

Yes, I'm scarred of the crash. But it's so worth it to be sitting on top of the clouds.

I can do this

I'm proud.

I'm here

I can do it.

It's not as simple of just letting go, but it's a start

I know what I want and it's this.

Don't pull me back, I will beat this

4:02
As I cried and sat in silence, you said
"that's the most you've ever said in here"

4:04
"Where's Madison right now?"
"Somewhere in between 'you're and idiot' and 'good for you.'"
"That's good...you're somewhere in the middle not holding onto both"

4:09
There wasn't that thought of you're
doing something wrong, only the feeling that I was doing something right

4:17
As the tears went down my face they went from shameful to joyful. They
started at my eye in shame and reached my cheek in joy.

---


This is me letting go.

---

Again I'm scared to come back to earth.
And I know this, what's "wrong" with me isn't as simple as letting go, but it's a start.
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:28 AM
And it's a very good start. May you have moments like this today...and tomorrow!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Oct 13, 2010 05:13 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-13 17:32:30
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-13 17:33:01
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-13 17:33:18



Day 73: Go out, Stay in

Suuuuper long exposure...20 seconds. Swaaaweet.

Today was alright. Okay. Normal.
And different at the same time.

My head hurts SO bad. The pressure is insane.

The hardest thing about school: staying awake.
My eyes start crossing and shaking and my eyelids get heavy. Everything starts closing in...I really need to buy some gum to help keep me awake. I haven't been exhausted to this extent I don't think ever. So I took two naps on the bus, which probably doesn't help the headache because of the brain-jarring nature of the bumpy streets downtown.

I bought a fruit cup for lunch and it was strangely more delicious than normal fruit. I feel like they must put sugar in it, so I checked the label and nope, it's just the magic of being hungry from using every ounce of anything I had in me to stay awake and tired, haha.

---

q: What was different about yesterday?
a: I sat on the swing and took pictures for 20 minutes before the session.

---

I'm bothered by the strip of light. I didn't notice it for a little while into shooting, and the shots I got after I covered it up I just didn't like as much.
So I compromise.

---

Alternative:
Image hotlink - 'http://www.flickr.com/photos/48870245@N02/5079218771/lightbox/'
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Oct 13, 2010 05:34 PM
Sorry...the alternative wouldn't upload
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Oct 14, 2010 06:25 PM
Day(s) 74: I am what I am, no matter what I tell myself.

Nothing really to say today.
Except I have a massive headache, probably worse than yesterday, from all the crying...yuck crying. Makes my face hurt, makes my head hurt, makes everything hurt.

Words I've told myself, words others have told me.
Some I believe, others not so much.

---

The last three weeks I've been going to therapy twice a week. The first two weeks I really needed it. This week I probably didn't need it as much, although I still felt it would be a good idea.
So I had my 2nd session today. And it was relaxed, chill, I knew Matt wasn't going to push me after what happened on Tuesday.

But then towards the end of the session, he says, "Okay, for a serious note, I was wondering this:"
And asks if I would be okay with/interested in an evaluation, IE a psych evaluation. Because "I know you want to know what's wrong, but at the same time you don't; I know you want a label, and really don't as well. But I know you want answers," he said. Basically he explained that he doesn't send people for psych evals all the time, and he's cautious to do so because people become their labels. He says he's not concerned with that with me (good, because it's not going to happen). He says he has ideas (about what's "wrong" with me) and he thinks it would be a good place to start (getting an eval).
"I'll tell you this: you have to be honest. You can't sugar-coat answers. You have to answer everything completely truthfully."

And that scares the **** out of me.
It's going to be an interesting day.

So I'll keep you'll all updated if anyone wants to know. :]
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 17, 2010 03:00 PM



Day 75 - I've Got this Now

One of my favorite bands, Barcelona.
I haven't got to see them in about 1.5 years...SO glad they came back.

Their passion hurts and heals at the same time; it's absolute beauty.

(LOOK THEM UP ON MYSPACE MUSIC AND LISTEN! Or on youtube. I REPEAT: GO LISTEN!)

---

My first time really shooting in this low of light. Especially with my kit lens, the f/3.5 is tough to get good shots with. This really makes me anxious for the 50 1.4. Hopefully December if I have the money.
Plus right as they started playing they changed the lights from skin-tone friendly to these GREEN lights and everyone looked like zombies...not cool.
Or, maybe that is cool, depending on who you are.

---

And I didn't flash them over and over like the girl in front of me and her camera. GOODNESS! That would have been really annoying, not to mention bright/painful.

---

Oh yah, and that whole "week theme" thing didn't happen, by the way.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 17, 2010 03:02 PM
Day(s) 76: Like the Old Days

My old friend and I got together together.
The one I swore I would never associate with after what she did/said to me.

But today, we did some sharing.
And now she gets it; she previously didn't know what it feels like to hurt like this, to have things beyond your control. To be in immense amounts of darkening pain. Pain that you can't "pull your head out of your self-pitting butt" and get out of.

I have to admit it evens the playing field nicely.
Although at the same time she does still trivialize what I'm going through. But that's just her. She likes to feel superior...which I totally understand coming from her crazy achievement-happy family.

We definitely screamed in the car to songs for quite a while and I basically have no voice now.
"It's therapeutic" she said.
"Especially to someone who has no idea how to let things out anymore," I replied, "it sucks."
I actually told her quite a bit about what's going on, and like I said, she understands much more now.

I have to admit, it was nice seeing her.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 17, 2010 07:43 PM



Day 77: How Can you Live in Two Worlds?

I hate these days a lot.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Oct 18, 2010 08:21 PM



Day 78 - You Know What Hope Is

...---...

I don't want this.
I never wanted this.

The ship is sinking.


Fast.
...---...
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Tue Oct 19, 2010 06:29 PM



Day 79: And We Shed What Was Left of Our Summer Skin

The scale is tipping, the balance is changing.
I walked to the bus with a plan.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Oct 20, 2010 03:42 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-20 15:44:19 cleaning that up...
This picture has visible scars so I'm not posting it here. They're there, but they are minimal and not the focus of the image. But they're still there.
It's on my flickr if anyone wants to see the photo and there's a link to my flickr on the top of this page.

Day 80 - "I've Separated My Life From Truth..."

"...This cold air taste real
I’ve stumbled back
I’m back
My lamp is almost burned
Reminds me of your eyes
When you calmly said

We’ve no more space
For all your tired and dirty past
And I believe it all to be true
Beyond this time, you’ll pull through

I woke up shaking
I’m not too late
Cause I’m running back towards the space we met
And laughed
You couldn’t let me go
My breath had all gone out
When you said let’s try

We’ve no more space
For all your tired and dirty past
And I believe it all to be true
Beyond this time, you’ll pull through"
-Barcelona

---

So I made a bunch of alternatives of this.
And then the folder I keep all of my 365 pictures just disappeared from my computer. AHHHH
So I had to choose this one.

Luckily, I had all but the last 2 days backed up.

---

I had plans to after my only class of the day to go to the library and study for an hour. Then after that go hang out in the ASL class (the prof is amazing and lets me do that/help). After that hour, I would have another hour-break to study more and do homework before the Signing Coffee Chat and the ASL club meeting.
So in total, I would have 2 hour of class (one is ASL, if that counts), 2 hours of break, and 1 hour in the chat/meeting.

All that sounds well and good.

Then time was moving reaaaaaallll y slow.
So.
Instead I went to the library and slept for about 40 minutes.
Left on the bus.
Arrived downtown
Went to Rite Aid.
Got on another bus.
And went home.

I obviously got home much earlier than I was thinking I would this morning.
And distracted myself with pictures. I'm too tired to do anything else.
But it's good I must remind myself. I can still take pictures.

Plus I've been ridiculously nauseated the last couple of weeks and it just keeps getting worse - only very specific things don't make me feel like I'm going to throw up.
And I've been annoyingly freezing.
Stupid body, regulate yourself!
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Oct 21, 2010 05:19 PM
Day 81: "In a minute there is time...

...For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."
T.S. Eliot "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

To many things to decide, to many choices to make. It's overwhelming, but it's supposed to be.

Through good and bad,
Sickness and health,
Rain and sunshine,
Youth and grey hairs,
Long nights and short days,
Life and death

We live.

---

"...to know that there is magic, love, beauty in the world and to know it's not for you anymore."
My professor says some stunning things.
I also found out I'm taking that class for now reason...I don't need it to graduate. Alright. I do love wasting time after all.

---

All days this week have a recourring theme: come home, be alone. Take pictures, upload, edit, upload to flickr. Sit on my computer with at least 5 tabs open of songs I've yet to buy.
Move to my bed. Sit there and continue to look at pictures and listen to music.
Hope to cry.

I didn't have work today. So now I'm just sitting around NOT studying for my History midterm.
In class we watched the whole D-Day scene in "Saving Private Ryan". I do not need to see large masses being killed or a guy holding on to his blown-off arm walking around and then getting shot or blood everywhere.
Especially in the morning.
I was <i>realllllly</i> close to throwing up.
And I have a really strong tolerance for that type of thing.
Plus then I was feeling all triggerey and gross and then I just really <i>wanted</i> to throw up.

Happy Thursday right?

+ 3 photos of things I found when I was spying on my sister's stuff
#1, DCFC lyrics: "Marching Bands of Manhattan"
#2, "why?" she asks. It's because you want to fly. We all do.
#3: Eric Hutchinson lyrics: "Oh"
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:08 PM



Day 82 - Little Known Facts

I'm a juggling mime!








No, not really...except for the juggling part.

"Give me some rope
Tie me to dream
Give me the hope to run out of steam
Somebody said it can be here
We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year
I can't count the reasons I should stay
One by one they all just fade away"

---

Twas an interesting day.
I dropped my History class which made my stomach churn and calm down at the same time.
Work was fine, everything was fine.
Sometimes at work I wish I would be asked if I was okay. Just so I could say, "No I'm really not."
Because it somehow makes me think no one cares since they never ask. I'm always the one asking, no one ever asks me. (I KNOW I KNOW Madison stop being such a needy stupid-head. But wait: it's okay to want relationships! But wait you don't want that! Oh crap.)
My skin is REAALLY itchy.

Also, I need to write this little story down for future reference because I find it hilarious:
So my Dad went to go see me therapist about billing information 30 minutes before I had my session. About 2 hours before I expressed my feelings towards the fact that I wanted to get my GED because I see no way of me getting though my classes to finish my high school requirements with how my dysfunctional my brain is at the moment.
So obviously he's going to go and talk about billing for 5 seconds and then be a typical Dad and express his concern about me. I knew that, I was expecting that, whatever, I accept it. (He walked out of Matt's office and had obviously crying. In my session, I mentioned that and Matt said how as a therapist you really get used to people crying. I kind of joked around about it. He said one week he had every person in sessions cry. "What did I say?" he told me, laughing.
I don't know...it's so painful sometimes. Watching that pain expel from someone. I've cried in front of a lot of my friends, but I don't think most of them have cried in front of me...huh...weird realization. Anyway, I love that he does get really real with me sometimes and says that type of thing. It makes me feel less observed and more human.)
So while my Dad was in this mini session, I went out and shot some photos (oh course, DUH, what else do I do with my time?)

That was over too quickly and then my session starts. At some point Matt brings up the fact that my Dad brought up a "is it okay?" concern about me spending my money. So basically he asked my therapist if it was okay that his 17-year old daughter was saving her money for months and months to get things that she really wants instead of frivolously spending it.
HAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Only my Dad would see something "wrong" with that.
Only my Dad would see how responsible I am with my money as a possible bad thing.

I literally have a document on word that has everything I want on it, complete with a budget and page documenting how much money I expect monthly from various things compared to what I want so I know how long it will take to get things. Also full of options of things to buy, when I should buy them, how necessary they are, all of that.

For example:
After I get my iMac (after the first paycheck in November I should have just enough depending on my hours) I'm getting the following, slowly but surely.

1. Canon 50mm f/1.4 $350
2. Canon Speedlite 430EX II Flash $280.00
3. Canon RC-6 Wireless Remote Controller $24.95 (I NEED THIS NOW! The running back and forth self time thing is getting REALLY OLD!)
4. Canon BG-E5 Battery Grip $116.62
5. Canon LP-E5 Rechargeable Lithium-Ion Battery Pack (7.4V, 1080mAh) $39.95 (I want the grip more right now. The battery isn't really a problem, but (and I don't think I would ever say this) my camera feels SO tiny in my hands that are on the big side. I would LOVE to have a better grip on it).

TOTAL: $815

Options (what I should buy first/when I should buy things/how important are they, etc.)
1. Lens + 3. remote: $375
1. Lens + 2. flash : $630
1. Lens, 2. flash, 3. remote: $655
1. Lens, 2.flash, 4. battery grip: $750
1. Lens, 2. flash, 3. remote, 4. battery grip,: $775

Plus eventually the dream lens 70-200 2.8 and of course Lightroom (which I'm hoping Christmas money could possibly pay for that. Not all of it, but it could put a dent in it.)
re: 365 Please
By Sumayah Comments: 6875, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:20 PM
Lurking... that's so, so, so cool that you can juggle - I've always wanted to learn but could never pull it off. Lurks away...
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:44 PM
No, please stay! I love lurkers! :D
And keep trying, once you get it it just makes sense. And you never loose it, it's awesome. I went through a huge juggling phase where it was like yoga. I would completely space out and sit there juggling. I'm kind of a freak, haha.
Seriously, you can do it!
Throw, throw, throw. No pause in between. Once it happens it's perfect.

/juggling PSA

And I forgot to post this one club juggling:
www.flickr.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By Sumayah Comments: 6875, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:49 PM
No I know what you mean, like if you look at the balls or whatever then you miss but if you just kind of look through them... somehow your hand just knows to catch. I can do small balls, like golf balls, not much height, but I can get it going. Anything bigger or that doesn't hold it's shape ends up on the floor. Beans bags are a total fail and my hands don't cooperate with anything tennis ball sized.

Oh and incidentally, you're absolutely freaking adorable. That is all. :D
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:14 AM
Aha, you can do it! Then it's just a matter of practice. When people find out I can juggle they [usually] want to see so I've gotten really good at juggling anything and everything.

Oh and incidentally, you're absolutely freaking adorable. That is all.


;) Thaaaaanks bunches. You should see my sister, she really gets the adorable award :D
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:10 AM
^Now I'm envious as heck of you if you can juggle. Lord knows I've tried. My schoolteacher daughter is an advisor to a juggling club at her elementary school...they perform as a group at minor league ballgames and other public events, but she hasn't been able to teach me how to do it. Now I'm normally very well coordinated, I mean I do all sorts of acrobatics on my violin (I play at a professional symphonic level) and have good hand eye coordination. I was a good baseball hitter (unfortunately my fielding skills left much to be desired.) But Juggling and golf, another skill I couldn't get the hang of, escape me.

And I second what Sumayah said! Both you and your sis!

Jon
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Oct 23, 2010 01:47 PM
I really had WAY to much to learn things as a kid. I can also unicycle (not well anymore, I'm out of practice), lunzastix, hoop dance, oh the list goes on and on.
:D
I was always the girl in the front yard flipping around and juggling. As you can imagine that made me suuuuper popular (not).
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Oct 23, 2010 07:22 PM



Day 83 - Focus Faded

Last day of my diptych and triptych week.

---

"Bad night she fell asleep
I flew away and I'll never stop
We cry every night
Words are broken all the time

Oh god I'm faded out
No more straight lines"

---

Nothing to say today. I wrote far too much yesterday here and on my diary.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 24, 2010 05:41 PM
Day 84 - Real Life

---

Put on a face.

---

So I should be done with my multi-image week, BUT I'm a fan. Mostly because then I don't have to choose which picture to use and then I get to move them all about and try different orders.

---

I'm sleeeeepy.
I'm tired.
Which ARE two different things.

Today, I'm awesome at pushing people away. Lovely.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 24, 2010 05:47 PM



Whoops, forgot one.

An alternative of the second one above. The one image is mirrored
re: 365 Please
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sun Oct 24, 2010 06:36 PM
I like these!

I'd even like to see them without the heart lips too (this is not an objection to the heart, I just think these are good collage of you.

Jon
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