Forum: Arts / Photography - Artistic

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re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 07, 2010 05:46 PM
QueensJenn wrote:

Please don't give up :( I don't know what else to say, but I hope you feel better.


Thank you. I'm really not sure about NaNoWriMo though. I'm behind a lot now and it's been a little tough on me writing that much and remembering stuff from the past (it basically was biographical starting from Fall 2009 which is against the rules, but I threw a bunch of fiction in there too).
It was good for a few days, but I'm really stuck now. And I'm so tired - I need t refocus and I think it was really helping me get stuck in my head which is what I'm trying not to do.

Plus it was SO crappy and it kind of bothered me...a lot :D
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:38 AM
*hug* I've been lurking and reading this since you started, and love what you're doing with your photography. You've got a fantastic style.

I've never done NaNo (can't write on command), but am in awe of those who've attempted at least a part of it. If you do decide not to continue, there's always next year, when hopefully you'll be in a better headspace to tackle it. :)
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Nov 08, 2010 10:02 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-08 22:45:25
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-08 22:46:44
^ Oh wow, I have a style? I was just talking about that yesterday with my Mom and how I wish I had one. It' definitely not defined whatsoever, but maybe it's starting to define itself...maybe...a little?
And thank you for the comment and hug. I love knowing people out there are reading/looking.

---

Day 99 - Falling
While at my Dad's today I couldn't help but experiment a little by jumping onto the bed using my remote and new-old flash. My back really huts from hitting the bed so hard over and over.
I ended up liking my test shots much better than the shots I actually got. But it was fun (and painfully exhausting).

Self harm
Spoiler: Show
I haven't wanted to cut the last few days really at all. That was until last night. It's a little disappointed because for one brief moment I thought I finally snapped out of it, and that I was going to be okay. I hate reality.



Also this picture is kind of perfect for today. I feel back to earth from the euphoria cloud I've been on the last few days.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:30 PM
Day 100 - Sour Expectations


I hate today.

I went to school the usual way.
Enjoyed a guest speaker's speech about how dogs think/how that relates to us.
Sat on the bus.
Went downtown and bought a slice of pumpkin bread, trying to waste time.
Ate that slice while waiting for another bus.
Went to therapy.
Met up with a friend who I then went to Starbucks with.
Talked with the aforementioned friend while she sipped a pumpkin chai latte.
Was dropped off at home, but not before having her come in to stare at Mr. Fancy.
Mom came home, remembering my need for boots.
Went shopping.
Got boots and a shirt.
Talked to my Mom in the car for near to two hours.


And see the funny thing today was essentially perfect.

- - -

This is a "giving up" photo. Last night I thought I would make a stop motion for my day 100. Yah, that didn't happen. At this point it's like, "Hey you: look at the crap you're spitting out of your camera. Stop 365ing already."

- - -

I did have a large discussion with my Mom though about perhaps I shouldn't tell myself that it's okay to be this way. I mean, I tell plenty of people quite frequently that they're not okay, that they deserve better, etc. But do I take my own advice? No.
When do I decide that where I'm at isn't okay?
Or when do I decide that really I need to just get over it.
BUT this can't be okay. It really can't
I can imagine it must be pleasant to get through a day and be okay. Just to get through.
It must be weird to not see things as opportunities, to have your skin crawl anytime anyone says "cut." It must be wonderful to not think so much.
It must be better to want to live, at least more than you want to die.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:32 PM
Day 101 - I don't know.

I really don't.
I have nothing to say.

Except I feel bad for anyone looking at this thread right now. It's really horrible and uninspired.

---

Day 102 - I climbed the tree to see the world

"Go quickly / before your steps are halted by who you are not."
Those lines are still repeating my head.

I'm really tired.
I don't know what to do.

And again, I'm really sorry for the complete lack of imagination or enthusiasm in my 365.
re: 365 Please (karma: 2)
By RainyDance
On Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:02 PM
I'm basically a super-lurker on DDN and I rarely post anything, but I have been following this thread since the very first page and after seeing your last few posts I have some things to say.

1. Your photographs, even the ones you think are not inspiring, are amazing. You have an eye that catches the unique qualities of every situation, and I admire that. You capture the beauty in everything, even if you don't always realize it. These photos are not crap, they are art.

2. Whenever the subject of your photographs is your sister, you often say how beautiful she is. She IS lovely, but you are just as gorgeous as her. I hope you can see that. And not only are you stunningly pretty, you have soul. Your eyes convey such deep meaning, and I can tell you are truly a remarkable person just from the few photos you post here.

3. I admire you for having the strength to deal with all the troubles going on in your life. And I want you to know that you are doing so fantastic, even if you feel like you're not. You are so strong for getting through each day. And you don't just get through the day, you live it and manage to produce the most inspiring photographs and words. I see your photographs and read your words and I am moved by the meaning imbued within them. So, it's okay to be tired. And it's okay to feel lost. But you are more than okay, you are an inspiration.

Please, PLEASE do not stop your 365 project. Your photographs are beautiful, YOU are beautiful. And I can only imagine and wait for what creative and unique photographs the next 263 days will bring.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:23 PM
^ what she said.

You absolutely have style and an eye to capture the beauty even in so-called mundane shots. Whether you realise it or not, you are an inspiration, in both your images and your words.

Please don't give up, on your photography, this project, or anything. It's OK to be tired - with everything you're dealing with, tired may be an understatement some days? - and it's OK to feel at a loss. Take a break if you need to (with camera!!) but come back to us. :)
re: 365 Please
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Nov 12, 2010 08:27 AM
What they said^. It's impossible to view oneself objectively, especially when one is feeling down. I've really enjoyed this thread as one of the most imaginative and original in DDN. You have absolutely nothing apologise for. I hope you find the will and strenght to continue.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:43 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-13 12:51:41
First off, I want to sincerely thank you three for the amazing words. It made me tear up reading what you all said and how much you care. <3

RainyDance, what you said was so incredibly caring and wonderful.
You have an eye that catches the unique qualities of every situation, and I admire that. You capture the beauty in everything, even if you don't always realize it. These photos are not crap, they are art.

And not only are you stunningly pretty, you have soul. Your eyes convey such deep meaning, and I can tell you are truly a remarkable person just from the few photos you post here.

And I want you to know that you are doing so fantastic, even if you feel like you're not. You are so strong for getting through each day. And you don't just get through the day, you live it and manage to produce the most inspiring photographs and words. I see your photographs and read your words and I am moved by the meaning imbued within them. So, it's okay to be tired. And it's okay to feel lost. But you are more than okay, you are an inspiration.


Really, I was taken aback by reading your comment. Thank you so, so much for writing that. I forget that I deserve to hear good things, but the way you wrote it was so genuine and truthful it really made me believe that I deserved it.
I really can't explain how amazing your comment is.


Caffeine: again, WOW. You guys all care so much, it's amazing. I can't imagine that I'm an inspiration, but thank you for saying it.
You absolutely have style and an eye to capture the beauty even in so-called mundane shots. Whether you realise it or not, you are an inspiration, in both your images and your words.

Please don't give up, on your photography, this project, or anything. It's OK to be tired - with everything you're dealing with, tired may be an understatement some days? - and it's OK to feel at a loss. Take a break if you need to (with camera!!) but come back to us.



Elfie: You're always such a voice of reason, I love it. Thank you for supporting me and being here.
It's impossible to view oneself objectively, especially when one is feeling down. I've really enjoyed this thread as one of the most imaginative and original in DDN. You have absolutely nothing apologise for.



So basically, I love you all a lot. I'm so thankful for people like you all that help me see things that I blind myself from. I really can't even begin to explain how much it means to me to hear all of your comments, and thank you all for the constant support (you three and previous commenter's words).
I'm doing a little better than the last three days. It's hard to swing so hard in between moods like this. I'm getting a psych eval done soon so hopefully that will give me answers, although at the same time I'm not sure if I want them
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:49 PM
Day 103 - TWLOHA day
www.twloha.com . . .

(and an extra picture in the theatre, I went and saw CYT's Seussical last night that a bunch of my friends were in. Ah, low light. I want that dang 50mm 1.4 SO bad! I need to get paid...)

"You don't know how you move me
Deconstruct me
And consume me
I'm all used up
I'm out of luck
I am starstuck
By something in your eyes
That is keeping my hope alive

But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think
Baby you don't know

I'll take or leave
The room to breathe
The choice to leave you
I'll throw away
A chance at greatness
Just to make this
Dream come into play
I don't know if I'll find a way

'Cause I'm sick of myself when i look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think
Baby you don't know
And I'm beginning to think
Baby you don't know

There's something in your eyes
That is keeping my hope alive
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think
Baby you don't know
And I'm beginning to think
Baby you don't know"

www.youtube.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 14, 2010 03:23 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-14 15:28:10
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-14 15:58:11
Day 104 - I've found magic but they don't see it

+1 in comments of the cupcakes my sister has made (different from the first ones) for the season ticket holders.

"Not a person seems to know.
Not a person seems to care.
There is no one who believes a thing I say...

Well, I'm fairly certain
At one time or other,
Great thinkers all feel this way "

Lyrics from Seussical, "Alone in the Universe"

It makes me sad to think that people don't see the absolute stunning beauty in little nuances in the in the world. So the line "I've found magic, but they don't see it" explains how I feel right now.

On another note, my moods are so extremely unstable. It's exhausting.
Yesterday, for example, I was fine. Got ready for work, then by the time my Mom comes to pick me up and I felt like I'm going to snap. Then on the way there I just sat there in the backseat listening to music crying. Then by the end of my 4 hour (I know. Only 4?) shift I was so high on a kite I was bouncing off the walls.
Seriousllllllly?
Not preferred.

- - -

I love this show a lot. And I love all of my friends who did such a fantastic job in it! (and yes, I went again. I was helping my sister with the season ticket holder thing so we just kind of watched it for free)

Also, my friend just started 365ing! Check it out:
www.flickr.com . . .
She's AHHHHHMAZING!!!!
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 14, 2010 04:52 PM
Day 105 - Sundays

This is what I do Sundays, or really this Sunday.

Wake up and have breakfast that involves Nutella.
Watch SNL
Catch up on Youtube subscriptions (I was watching Lauren Luke's channel here)
Check facebook, DDN, 3 blogs, 1 live journal, 2 other websites, and my personal, private, and school emails.
Flickr surf/check explore, FlickrMail
Download pictures. Edit pictures.
Put some of Facebook. Put some on here.
Watch the first season of The Office.
Eat chocolate, wear my pjs all day long.

So this is an uninspired picture.
re: 365 Please
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 14, 2010 06:24 PM
On day 99 I really like the 3rd and 5th shots. the 3rd looks like you could be a Irish dancer! cool!
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 14, 2010 07:56 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-14 19:57:58
^ I thought that too. I actually did do irish for a year or so. It must be coming out of me again. :D

- - -

Again, since this is essentially a diary (I don't like my diary on the diaries board. It kind of bugs me) I need to write this.
RIght now the amount of beauty I'm seeing around me is overwhelming.
Really.

- - -
And I have some things to share:

www.flickr.com . . .

The code won't work for some reason. But I find this lovely.

- - -

Image hotlink - 'http://s3prod.weheartit.netdna-cdn.com/images/1564741/tumblr_kpqdhp7ujY1qzz6n0o1_500_large.png?1267075624'
Image hotlink - 'http://legacyentries.weheartit.netdna-cdn.com/20090515234018.jpg'
Image hotlink - 'http://s3prod.weheartit.netdna-cdn.com/images/4943989/tumblr_lbtmoj8GGm1qegx7ro1_500_large.jpg?1289698327'
Image hotlink - 'http://s3prod.weheartit.netdna-cdn.com/images/4941096/tumblr_lbsdc5I3sP1qbpwzeo1_500_large.png?1289686706'
Image hotlink - 'http://s3prod.weheartit.netdna-cdn.com/images/4886688/tumblr_lavoofWoek1qes0yyo1_500_large.jpg?1289433376'

These simple things are often why I don't ever have to worry about feeling alone.
It's silly, but true.


And songs:
Falling - Florence and the Machines
www.youtube.com . . .

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
www.youtube.com . . .

Sick of Myself - Dealth Cab For Cutie cover
www.youtube.com . . .

Holding on - Alex Day
www.youtube.com . . .

Kids - Covered by Ben Lee
www.youtube.com . . .

It's In your Blood - Lydia
www.youtube.com . . .

Grandma Song - Defiance Ohio
www.youtube.com . . .
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:59 PM
Day 106 - Crows
(+3 of my sister's sequin shirt I wore to the show tonight)

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
- Norman Cousins

I wear these earrings pretty much everyday now. They're kind of become my typical jewelry with my shattered heart necklace and my photo charm/butterfly charm self harm charm bracelet.
Crows apparently symbolize death in dreams. And also, they supposedly point out annoying features about yourself.
So on a day to daily basis, I hope to die and get annoying things pointed out about me?
Alright. That makes total sense.

In case anyone hasn't gathered from my usual bitching, I hate where I'm at right now.
Screw that, I've always hated where I'm at.

Who's giving up? Not me.
But no. I kind of am. Not in my typical way of "giving up," but in a different way.

- - -

Also, lets laugh at my mood swings, because they are quite humorous: I wrote this last night:
"Right now the amount of beauty I'm seeing around me is overwhelming."

- - -

I had to do a lot of "I'm-great-are-are-yous" today so I'm in no mood to butter anything else up.

I registered for winter quarter today. History and political science, which is all that I have left to take. THANK YOU.

At work while rubberizing pointe shoes, I slamed my finger with the hammer. Now I can barely move it.

I also went the Paul Taylor at the Fox tonight and really I should stop putting myself into these situations. How about I don't go pay to go see something that used to be who I was, all of me, gallivanting up there on stage mocking me? Heh, wouldn't that be a grand idea.
re: 365 Please
By CaffeinePremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 03:02 AM
Aah, but ravens are incredibly intelligent, are symbolic messengers of shamans (shamen?) and the gods, are thought to be lucky, and are the totems of the Celtic god of arts and crafts (Lugh/Lludd). They're contrary, both dark and light, mystery and magic, and complex.
[source: www.druidry.org . . .]

You're not a crow, you're a raven.

And they're very cute earrings, too. Did you make them?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 07:54 PM
I unfortunately didn't make them, I wish! And thank you

- - -

Day 107 - Oh Christmas Tree

"The whole world's not like yours. There are many kinds of problems, not all of them are like yours or mine. But I forget that all the time.

Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad.

Our petty problems we add them up and we dwell on them half of the day. Our petty problem we add them up and they always get in the way. Our petty problems, so American. So caught up in our own little worlds."
Petty Problems - Defiance Ohio

- - -

Where I'm at: completely and utterly despising how pathetic I've been. It's time I get over myself. And I'm going to start now.

I was VERY close to going to therapy and telling him I wasn't looking for help anymore. Because, really, I don't need it. But I got distracted and chickened out.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Nov 17, 2010 07:51 PM
Day 108 - Clean

See them here:
madisonmcphotography.blogspot.com

DNN won't load the photos.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Nov 18, 2010 07:06 PM
Don't think I'll see you around this winter, and my tongue's stuck full of splinters; 'cause I'm embarrassed to admit what I've been thinking. Well, hope keeps some afloat, but for me it's no life boat. The tighter I hold on the deeper down I'm sinking.

Tried to put my finger on it but gave it my whole arm. Reached out with good intention, but it only did more harm. Find ourselves alone since the day we're born, so we seek someone to sew sutures in the places where we're torn.

Calling Old Friends, Defiance Ohio

- - -

If anyone wonders, I won't be getting a picture up until late tomorrow.
Going to the Harry Potter Premiere at 12:05am and am saving my POTD for tonight :D
re: 365 Please
By djcharamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Nov 19, 2010 09:37 PM
Wow. I just stumbled on this thread a few days ago, I can't believe I haven't read it before... But I just spent the last hour reading through the whole thing, and it is beautiful. Your photos and your writing, not to mention you, are just so beautiful and inspiring! I know nothing about photography, but your pictures just speak and there's something I can't even put my finger on. Every picture makes me feel something, even just the ones that you say are uninspired! Some of them even made me cry, and that has never happened to me with pictures before.

Add me to your lurker list :D
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:09 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-20 22:11:03
djchara wrote:

Wow. I just stumbled on this thread a few days ago, I can't believe I haven't read it before... But I just spent the last hour reading through the whole thing, and it is beautiful. Your photos and your writing, not to mention you, are just so beautiful and inspiring! I know nothing about photography, but your pictures just speak and there's something I can't even put my finger on. Every picture makes me feel something, even just the ones that you say are uninspired! Some of them even made me cry, and that has never happened to me with pictures before.

Add me to your lurker list :D


Okay, I feel insincere repeating that HOLY COW you guys are all so amazing and sweet. Thank you so much. I get such a rush reading comments from you all

- - -

Day 109 - I'm Harry Potter

I went to HP 7 with my sister (and met up with two amazing friends I never get to see). We stood outside for just about 2.5 hours, which was definitely much less than a lot of people.
It was amazingly freezing, plus my sister has no fat or muscle to keep her warm, haha. I was violently shivering for about 40 minutes, then my body temperature regulated itself nicely. I was still unbelievably cold but didn't have people asking me, "Are you okay?" I REALLY shake when I shiver, my ribs are still a little sore

Also, it was freaking amazing.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:16 PM
Day 110 - Close up

I was in a manual focus texture-close up mood sitting by the fire in my Dad's apartment. He can't really pay for the heat, so he hasn't used it yet this year. It was 60 degrees in his apartment (which is actually pretty good for no heat) but I was really chilly.
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:20 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-20 22:21:46
Day 111 - Frosty

"I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again."

Winter Song - Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles

My sister and I bonded over a mutual hatred of people tonight. We talked for a really long time, which was definitely nice. It's funny how much we can b**** about work and people. And it was VERY nice to get out :D

(and one from yesterday it wouldn't let me load)
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:27 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-20 23:22:54
Day 112 - If it Fits

It's a bad idea for me to get behind in posting these. I forget about the days and they blend together more.

I stumbled across this pair of jeans today 75% off ($7) and had to buy them. My Mom also bought me a shirt that was 50% off that is beautifully teal.

I have such an extreme amount of things to do right now...my brain doesn't want to think about it.
On a personal note, life is typical. I'm getting tired of being this manic and irritable. Plus I'm eating massive amounts of food which is never good.

And I'm doing senior pictures on Tuesday, which is supposedly the coldest day of the year thus far with a high of 20 degrees. I have a feeling the world is really hating me for something I haven't done yet.

- - -

Where I'm at:
I think I've spent a whole crapload of time hoping dearly that something was officially "wrong" with me. And I'm not talking mental-health wise only, I'm talking physically. I'm been injured so much because of dance, but they never were serious obvious injuries - they were always overuse/stress injuries. I spent a lot of time convincing doctors that I really am hurt.
And now I still have cracky ankles and painful achilles tendons. My right arm goes numb often. My head hurts everyday. My calves often have horrible nerve pain that keeps me up at night. My left rib "pops". When I bend over my back makes these little pops that give me a strange cold sensation.
On any given day, I'm in a whole lot of pain. Sometimes I wonder if everyone's bodies hurt this much.
So what? I could have some compressed something-or-other or MS. I could be diseased, injured, or be completely making it up.
Heck, I could be displacing emotion pain into physical pain right?
Anything's possible.

Which mean I'll never have an answer - especially one I'll accept.

So as long as it fits, it's always possible. All symptoms leading up to what? I always thought I wanted a diagnosis of some kind, in all aspects of health. But really I've never been sure if I've really ever wanted that.
I could find a million things "wrong" with me that I could pop pills for. Or I could suck it up, because everyone else is living like this too.
So I don't want the help anymore because there's nothing to help in the first place. And that's a hard pill to take (no pun intended, although it's quite ironic).

Also, Mom: stop freaking looking for the scars on my arms. They haven't gone anywhere since you've last seen them. Stop looking.

- - -

Everything hurts so much.
I hate this a lot.
Feeling everyone's pain so deeply and turing around to remember I'm in pain too. I have nothing to be hopeful for, all I see around me is regret and pain. Lost ways to cope. Screwed up relationships. Broke adults. Anger, frustration, lost life.
Why do I have to feel all of this?
re: 365 Please
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:24 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-21 22:27:20
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-21 22:29:58
Day 113 -

"Lately I've become accustomed to the way
The ground opens up and envelops me
Each time I go out to walk to the dog.
Or the broad edged silly music the wind
Makes when I run for a bus -

Things have come to that.

And now, each night I count the stars,
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted
I count the holes they leave.

Nobody sings anymore"

Preface To a Twenty Volume Suicide Note, Amiri Baraka
Lines 1-11

- - -

It snowed today. I also wrote an essay and got my hair trimmed.
I also wore red lipstick.

Lots of people are ruining their lives around me and it's getting really unbearable to handle.
I've always been able to handle it. I've always been able to hold everyone up. I've always had such a great grip. I can keep a distance while being right there for them.
But I'm so tired. Who's going to hold me up?

It's so extremely and unimaginably painful. I'm making myself sick.
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