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Forum: Arts / Photography - Artistic

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re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Oct 24, 2010 06:41 PM
Thanks, Jon! I was going for a doll look, hence the weird lips, fake eyelashes, and drawn-on bottom lashes :]
It was a fun "shoot"
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6250, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sun Oct 24, 2010 06:54 PM
^And in that you succeeded admirably! I kept thinking Commedia Del Arte. Columbine! The girl in "Petrushka!"
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:15 PM
Day 85 - Are You Happy?

+1 alternative.

Must. Stop. Diptych. And. Triptych.

But I luuuuv them.
(the alternative is normal at least)

---

My boss just got back from a big dance convention thing a few hours away which meant there were BOXES of stuff to unpack that they didn't sell.
YES. I get to sit in the back or in the shoe room, talk to no one, and get stuff done. I don't feel like talking to anyone today.
So I unpack a bazillion pairs of shoes, and at one point I start walking towards the counter to get more boxes when my boss stops me and says, "Madison, are you happy?" in a very matter-of-fact, but still very caring, way.
I paused. The whole "No," answers flashed across my view.
"Yes," I said with a smile.
Then he said something about how Katie and Him were talking about me on their drive over, yada yada.

So I got what I wanted I guess. I always think about the day that someone will really ask me if I'm okay.
It happened.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Tue Oct 26, 2010 07:16 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-26 19:28:11
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-26 19:33:55
Day 86 - It's Hard to Say
---

SOOC (straight out of the camera)
Natural light :)
Unfortunately, not really bright natural light and I have quite a bit of noise going on here :(
Darn you ISO 1600! :]

#4 is my "making of"
1 bed that belongs to my sister

3 skirts
2 jackets
3 shirts
1 pair of tights

2 chairs
1 wonderful tripod

1 scared person hoping dearly that her camera wasn't going to come crashing down

And lots of weaving under the tripod legs changing settings, checking the pictures, etc.


---

I have no voice.
But I've found, people like is much better that way.
Deep down I should know that I'm just being silly, people care, people want to hear what I have say.
But, I can't go against what happens on a daily basis.
I can't go against the fact that people in my life like me much better when I don't talk.
They don't notice the difference I'm sure, but it's quite obvious. Like at work, for example. I never can shut my mouth, and I can see how annoying I get but I can't stop. So yesterday I kept quiet. Long story short, the results were positive.
I can't ignore the fact that I push people away, and FAR away, when I speak.

So I digress.
I'll be quiet.

---

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches, everything.
Just say it again and mean it.
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away,
From all of the ones who love you,
From everything.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And you'll sleep 'til May
And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
And no, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.
Take my time.

Take these chances to turn it around. (take your time)
Take these chances, we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around. (take my...)
Just turn it around.

No, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh I need an ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

You can take your time, take my time.

---

Today was an epic fail.
FML
I was a huge disgusting blob in therapy and just sat there. Voiceless.
"We have to change this (dynamic). I talk too much, more with you than any other client, I know you use that," he said. He continued, "It's understandable. But if you want to move foreword we have to change something. Just a little, but it has to change."

He told me I'm screaming. (I wrote him an email and it was 9 pages on word...which I feel a little bad for)
I agree.

I'm going back into my hole...I don't want this change at all anymore. The fact that I can get better is no longer desirable.
Plus he asks me if I'm going to come in Thursday, he has an opening at noon. He said to email him if I can/want to.
"I'm pretty sure I can't...and by that I mean I can't," I said.
"Oh alright," he said, surprised.
"Direct answer!" I said with a thumbs up.
Then he said something about how I didn't want to say no in the first place and how that relates to what we've been talking about, etc.

I should go in. But I don't want to. I want so badly to let myself sink.

(He first mentioned that if I'm at that place I need to call him and we'll "make a plan," ie, send Madison to the hospital.)
He did the same, "You have to tell me that if you are at a place that you can't get out of that you'll have to have someone to contact," thing as last week. "Will you?"
"Yes," I remeasured.
"Are you sure?"
*weird sighing noise* I stare at him.
"Is that a yes?" he said. "That was an acknowledgement of what I said."
*laugh to change subject and avoid question* "Yah, that's a 'neither here nor there' answer," I said, avoiding.
"So?"
*another sigh thing and elapsed silence* "It's hard to say." (which is funny because that has two meanings, especially in this situation. "Hard to say" meaning it's difficult to talk about and "Hard to say" meaning I don't know)
"That's fair," he said, and dropped it.


I still am getting a psych eval done though, I'm not sure when, but I just got some release to sign for it.
Yuck.
Kill me now. Ah. I want to be alive? Right?
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Oct 27, 2010 08:19 PM
Edited by Chaconne (182529) on 2010-10-28 10:34:36 Too late for you to edit, but I can.



Day 87 - Lock the doors...
...cause I'd like to capture this voice.
Paramore, We Are Broken

Stupid POTD.

I just have to get it out of the way so I can start and finish an essay that's due Friday for English literature class so tomorrow I can sleeee p.

And I'm obviously in Paramore moods, forgive me.

---

Also, this has been on my mind, because it's stunningly real. I forgot about it, but just remembered it again today.
Frighteningly real actually.
youtube.com . . .

ROBERT [speaking]: Stop!...What do you get? [Sings]
Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.

PAUL: That's true, but there's more to it than that.
SARAH: Is that all you think there is to it?
HARRY: You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but Robert, you haven't got one good reason for being alone.
LARRY: Come on, you're on to something, Bobby. You're on to something.


ROBERT:
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

DAVID: You see what you look for, you know.
JOANNE: You're not a kid anymore, Robby. I don't think you'll ever be a kid again, kiddo.
PETER: Hey, buddy, don't be afraid it won't be perfect. The only thing
to be afraid of really is that it won't be.
JENNY: Don't stop now. Keep going.


ROBERT:
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

SUSAN: And what does all that mean?
LARRY: Robert, how do you know so much about it when you've never been there?
HARRY: It's much better living it than looking at it, Robert.
PETER: Add 'em up, Bobby. Add 'em up.


ROBERT:
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

AMY: Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish. *Want* something! Want *something*!

ROBERT:
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!
...
"Do you think something's wrong?"
"Nope. I think something is right."
"So do I."

---

"Amy lets go, all of our friends are waiting."
"Paul that's no reason. I just can't; I'm so afraid."
"Of what?"
"I don't know. I don't know I just think maybe you're not for me Paul. I just think maybe no one's really for me I never saw one good marriage, never not in my entire life."
"You see what you look for you know. I've seen lots."

---

“But maybe that’s why you like it so much. If you don’t spend much time in it it keeps it special and important.”
“Yes.”

---

“I’ll take care of you.”
“But who will I take care of?”
“Well, did you hear yourself? Did you hear what you just said kiddo -
“I didn’t mean that”
“Oh I just heard a door open that’s been stuck a long time.”

---

"Don't be afraid it won't be perfect, the only thing to be afraid of really is that it won't be"

Comment #9304492 deleted
Removed by Chaconne (182529) on 2010-10-28 10:35:43 I was able to edit the original...a MOD's magic powers! LOL

re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 4185, member since Thu May 01, 2003
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 05:27 AM
I confess to lurking. I simply love your photos1 I deal with a lot of similar issues so some like the hat ones have been therapeutic to look at.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 05:57 PM



^ Thank you so much for commenting! I LOVE getting comments, and I'm glad you enjoy the photos.

(And thanks for the magic mod action, Jon!)

Day 88 - Change of Focus

Just being an uber-photo nerd showing off my new shirt from Threadless.

---

Today was...interesting.
I'm not sure I have any more to say about it at this point. I was floating a little too much.
Therapy was fun...fun? Not quite the right word. Perhaps funny. Mostly because of how loopy I am today. Swinnnnnng swiiiinnnnggggg. Whatever. But perhaps I'll hold onto this high for a little longer than last time, and then I can actually get somewhere.
Oh progress

---

There's a girl I used to dance with that has been posting things on facebook. Things that people don't notice and don't care about, especially because they know you're so strong. No one thinks anything of it.
But I do. I notice.
I see what's been going on with her the last 4 months or so. So I messaged her yesterday, offering support/an ear to vent to.
My mission in life right now is to set people furthest away from the path I've taken. Ha.
No one deserves this. I know that by now. It's heartbreaking seeing people I know break and loose themselves. I always thought I could pull myself out of this, that I was going to be okay.

I was so wrong.

She wrote: "I've been in this horrible mind set about everything. My heart has just been hurting a lot lately, and I can't stop it from hurting! and to add more to all of this, I have no idea what I want to do in life! especially since I stopped dancing I feel like I have nothing to show.
Sorry if that was to much. But thanks for being here and listening"
And there it is. Words I've said before. It almost makes me sick to read because I remember being in that state and just waiting for things to get better. It hurts my heart to read things I've written, but from someone else. I know how horrible it is to be in that place. And I know how much worse it gets from there.
I just hope she'll be okay.
I've said it before, but it's so easy to spiral out of control.

I'm always going to be one to jump on the "hey are you really okay" bandwagon because boy, what I would have done to have someone really ask me that and me believe that they really cared in the first place.

So I call this "Change of Focus" when really, this is a pretty constant focus. I just need to know that someone is better because of me. That's extremely selfish, but it's also caring. It's really silly, but it's me: I dream about the day when someone tells me I really helped them. But it's only natural; I've been helped by so many people I can only pay it back.

We all deserve so, so much better.

---
I was going through my phone, and I save important phone calls (because again, I'm a dork. And I like to remember things). I saw the one from my friend the night she texted me saying it was "the last time you'll hear from me". Stressful night that was. But now, and I know it's horrible, but now I look back at what she was going through and how temporary and impulsive it was that it makes me uneasy. It makes me uncomfortable that it's such a quick phase for some people (being suicidal) and that the only way they know how to cry out for help is like that. In some ways I'm also jealous. When have I cried out for help?

---

Could we perhaps get rid of the stigma surrounding struggle? It is okay to struggle people!
I need to take my own advice sometimes.

---

And on a lighter note, guess what else I got? A REMOTE. Yipee. Tomorrow I'm going to go try it out maybe.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6250, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 06:42 PM
I wuv your t-shirt and I wuv the photo you took of it. Where DO you get one?

Jon
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 06:54 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-28 19:14:41
I got the shirt off of Threadless. It's a really awesome website as far as t-shirts go. I also have their "101 cameras" shirt as well :)
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6250, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 08:15 PM
Oh I forgot to mention. Your T-shirt photo has some really creative lighting.

Jon
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:42 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-28 22:43:57
Thank you Jon, I'm trying to be resourceful when it comes to light. I'm huge into natural light, mostly because I really don't have another choice right now except for pop-up flash which is undesirable most of the time (and random lamps, if those count, haha).
My problem is that I basically have no walls in the apartment I live in that are white that I can shoot in front of for things like this. But I REALLLLLLY love back lighting like this and completely blowing out the background, which is simple because we have a HUGE back window.
I like the magical quality it has to me. And how you loose some of the image to the blown-out quality of it. It's fun, and gives me a "plain" background

I did the same thing in some of the doll pictures, in the juggling pictures, and in others too that I can't quite remember right now.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:05 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-29 22:28:36
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-29 22:49:48 goodness I can't spell
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-29 22:51:25
Day 89 - I need to change something.

From writing yesterday night:

"I need to change something. At this moment I'm ready to change something. At this moment I want to face this head on.
But I can't say anything about tomorrow."

This is going to be long, sorry. It's been a long day.
I mention self harm and eating issues, just a fair warning. Stay safe everyone.

---

I've been stressed and distracted today thinking about Katee. I was relieved to know she's okay for the moment. If you read this, know I love you and will always be here. I sincerely hope that things get better with your new treatment plan.

---

In English class we had to discuss our essays, and when doing that someone has to be the facilitator of the group. For some odd reason I said I would do it, mostly because no one else was volunteering anytime soon and I felt awkward. Mind you, this is probably the worst day I could possibly volunteer to be the one to talk/facilitate. Besides the fact that I'm really not into talking (especially the last few days) I was so distracted. I caught myself 3 times "leaving".
<i>Oh crap hang on. You're in class, you're facilitating for goodness sake! Don't dissociate now!</i>

---

There's this girl at work who's 16 and very typical teenager going after boys and whatnot. But really it's to a huge fault because she's getting into all sorts of trouble (HOLY COW her sex drive is HIGHHHH!). I get enough sex-talk anyway at work anyway which I have to say I don't have experience in, but adding her into the mix I have to say is slightly disappointing. Yes, I'm a teenager and a virgin. WHOA there. I know. Shocking. I'm old fashioned, but it bothers me a little that 16 year olds are having sex, especially for the reasons she is. I know people could debate me hugely on this, so hold your horses everyone, it's just my own opinion. I don't have a problem with you if you've had sex as a teenager, but it just makes me sad that in her case she feels like she needs to do that to get love.
Anyway, she really fits the "no father figure who run after boys to fill the void" type, although I'm really not in favor of putting people into boxes. It's just me trying to justify why in the world she's choosing this path.
Then today we were slow at work and she was shuffling cards. Apparently never learned how to well and wanted to. Then I see the scratches. Scratches I know far too well.
Oh crap. Not another one.

One of the scariest things to me about having scars like I do is that it will somehow send the message to other people that self-harm is okay. It's not okay. It's not okay to plan your day around it, to feel like you're going to die without it, to only think about it, to be consumed by it. It's not okay that it seeps into your head and you can't shake it. It's not okay that I'll always get "the look" from people; it's not okay that I constantly scan arms to feel validated. It's not okay that it's never enough.
I just fear I didn't provoke anything.

Then I see her doing what I did at one point when I was hoping someone would come save me - give little hints. I saw her do little things like hold onto her wrist when she was sitting down, slightly rubbing it. I saw her pretend like she was hiding it under the table when she was playing solitaire when it was in plain view.

In some ways I want to nip in the butt. Because at some point I really did honestly hope someone would stop me before I got to this point. But at the same time it's so utterly terrifying.

---

Somehow at work since we're most of the time only girls also we get into weight talk. I know I'm restricting more than normal. I'm also super nauseated 94% of the time so it comes slightly naturally.

At my highest weight my BMI was 21.8 (Normal weight = 18.5–24.9). At my highest, disgusting weight.

So on paper, that's fine.
My co-worker reassured: "Oh but you were dancing so much, and muscle weighs more than ---"
"I don't care if my muscle weighs more than fat or whatever it's the number I see that's going to matter."
Did I really just say that out loud?
"It's important (especially for women) to not care about the number you see on the scale, but judge based on how your clothes fit," another co-worker added.
"But I always buy my clothes big...because I know I'll gain weight, I fluctuate a lot," I scurried for words.
"You never get bigger! You only get smaller!" she said.
"Oh no, I get bigger, trust me!" I said with a smile.

Avoided.
I think.
Yep. They don't think anything of it.




You know what sucks?
My motivation to take pictures right now is nada.
That should provoke worry, stress.

Instead I'm okay with it.

Just another thing gone.
Lost
wasted
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sat Oct 30, 2010 04:23 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-10-30 16:26:49
Day 90 - Esc Quickly

I know, I know.
Boring.
Repeat picture. (very similar to day 20)

It's the weekend = no motivation.
I'm so tired, plus my nose is all stuffy and my stomach really hurts.

I wish I had an escape button.
Oh wait, I do.

---

In less sucky news I have $1400 right now and need $1740 for the 27 inch iMac (including tax). SOOOOO that means I'm reallllly close.

Then after that all I have on my "wish list" besides random stuff is the 50 1.4, the 430EX ll flash, and the battery grip. And I'll bet set (well, not really. But that's all I want right now besides the 70-200 2.8 but that's FARRRRR off in the future).
Saving money is wonderful especially since I'm not of legal age to have to move out and be an "adult" (but lets face it: my sister is 20 and still lives at home. And she definitely doesn't contribute anything like rent or buys her own food or anything. But unlike her I don't want to live at home and have people pay for me). So I take advantage of the fact that I really only have a year left of being able to spend my money on things I want.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Mon Nov 01, 2010 09:02 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-01 21:37:37
Day(s) 91 - :) Halloween.
+1 alternative of my sister's pumpkin-type thing

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.
This year, not so much.

I'm too tired to elaborate, so I'll just leave it at that.

---

Day 92 - Spell it Out

No matter what I know sign will always be a huge part of me. It's something I know will never leave me; it's forever a part of me.

(It says my name, M-A-D-I-S-O-N)

Also NaNoWriMo starts today, so I'm probably not going to be writing much on here without my brain exploding.
www.nanowrimo.org
Good start though, I'm got 2100 words so far :)
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Reidfidleirmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3404, member since Sun Sep 28, 2003
On Tue Nov 02, 2010 02:23 PM
I like how in the picture of the plaid that you incorporated the red on one side, and the teal, both out of focus, and then the two almost exact colors combined in the in-focus plaid.

Goes well with your theme. :)Yes, I noticed. Very cool.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Tue Nov 02, 2010 09:47 PM



^Thank you!

Day 93: It's been a while

I got to see my friend today who I haven't seen since my birthday in August. She's training for Oireachtas at the end of the month so I went to part of her class to take pictures.

It was definitely weird taking pictures with very little shutter lag since my last camera had some intense lag. I kept getting pictures WAYYY to far in advance. It's weird what I've trained myself to do.

Really, it was good to see her. I'm still on some euphoric high from all of the chocolate and hormones so I think out of any time I could see her today was a good one. I don't like worrying her.

And there is A LOT of grain going on here. I know, I know.
I want a flash. And fancy glass :)

Today my therapist said I have a huge amount of empathy (towards others).
That was nice to hear since I've always heard that I'm a mean empathetical person from my mom.

---

I also feel things changing. But I also should take into account that I feel like I'm a bit manic today. Hmmm...
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:17 AM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-03 00:39:59
Since this is basically a diary at this point, I need to update some things:

NaNoWriMo count, day 2: 3,671
Right on target (of 1790 words a day)

---

Many times I've mentioned I'm a frequent double-hitter for therapy on go Tuesdays and Thursdays. Thursdays are my choice, and I usually tell Matt on Tuesdays otherwise I email (if I "need" to come in). I fight myself on that, because as much as I want to help myself I also feel an intensely strong pull to never go again and let myself slide.

I told him today that no, I wouldn't be coming in Thursday because oh boy, "I have things to do."
Oh bs, Madison. You have absolutely NOTHING to do but sit around on your butt and write for NaNoWriMo/just sit on your butt in general and stare off into space.

Last week, I emailed him after telling him that for sure I would not be coming in that "I'm going to indulge my non-self destructive side and see if I can come in after all."


So just a few moments ago I email him this:
I'm ready.
I need to tell you things, and I'm ready.

So Thursday, I will say stuff. Yes, indeed I will.


And you know what? I believe myself this time.

---

Also, somehow I've lost the last 3 hours. Where did they go? I have no idea. Hmp.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Wed Nov 03, 2010 06:27 PM
Day(s) 94 - If I lay here.

Writing for NaNoWriMo has really made me look at my life. Cheesy, but it really has.
It's also draining me to the nth degree. I just noticed when I start to edit my photos I often take tons of saturation out of them. My photos often reflect my moods, not always, but sometimes. Which I am aware of.

I need to focus. Things are not going to happen automatically. I should know that by now. Things don't change if you don't change them.

So I'm stepping forward to change....I think.

I'm also very aware of the fact that I've been on a high for two days and I'm now crashing down hard. Really, yesterday I started crashing...I'm reallllly tired.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By Elfiemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 4185, member since Thu May 01, 2003
On Wed Nov 03, 2010 07:34 PM
I wish I could do NaNoWriMo sometimes. (I'm afraid school and dyslexia gave me writers block for a lifetime, but I do wish I could write.) But I do applaud you for such a huge project. I imagine in the end it's a very useful tool.

You have such a lovely interesting expressive face.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Thu Nov 04, 2010 06:56 PM



Elfie wrote:

You have such a lovely interesting expressive face.

That is a hugely awesome complement to me, thank you

Day 95 - Petrified

I’m so scared.
Because I’m just now realizing how long I’ve spent being something that’s not me. Not even close to me.

And I’m letting who I am really am come out bit by bit and I can see that people who like me are start not to anymore.

I’m so scared.
That this is all over.
I feel okay.
Maybe.

How can nothing changing cause this change? How could I just snap out of this completely?


Where did the darkness go?

I’ve said I’m confused before, but no, THIS is confusion.

I don’t know who I am.
And I’m really scared.

I’ve had this identity for so long, I’ve known who I am, how I think.
I don’t even know what to think anymore.

What am I supposed to be now that everything is being taken from me?
I’m so lost…I’m so confused. I need help.

And I’m scared.
That everything will come crashing down on me once more like it has again and again.
That really, what I am right now, this weird happy loopy is what my head wants to be when I’m at the lowest point. My head is protecting me from what I don’t want to realize which is I'm in trouble. It's either that I just need to get over myself or I’m in need of some serious help.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Nov 07, 2010 01:31 PM
Edited by imadancer2 (146568) on 2010-11-07 13:35:48
Day 96 - Too Cool For School

Coolest kids ever xylophone in the mall downtown.

+2 of me getting my iMac! I had my sister's boyfriend take pictures of me when I was opening it - it was the first time I think I put my camera in auto mode, haha.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Nov 07, 2010 01:33 PM



Day 97 - Euphoria

This is the spiffy overlay technique I say on photojojo a while back using Beauty In Everything and Here We Collide. It's the whole long exposure thing switching between screens resembling a double exposure.

- - -

I had a very long conversation with my Mom last night and it's wasn't horrible. It was actually quite good in fact. She said something about how much I bucked up when she was going through chemo and everything. And I do admit that recognition is nice. I do deserve to be appreciated.
I also was talking about how I do this little thing to invalidate good things about myself because I don't want to admit them...Hmm...I can't really explain that well without giving examples. But anyway, I also need to find balance there: between "you're have the most talent in the world" and hearing every compliment sarcastically even when the person isn't being sarcastic.
It also confirmed my feeling of being scared ****less about the current situation and where I'm at. Because I kind of know where I'm at. I would be lying if I said I didn't. But at the same time I don't know.
And I'm so scared of loosing who I've been for so long because now that's all I know.

I need to find balance, also something I know that was reconfirmed talking with my Mom.

This last week I've been a swinging. And I know I'm always swinging, it's just that the last two years I've spent less and less time getting out of the "depressed" state. Like I used to spend a majority of my day in "i'm okay" state and go home and crash. But it got so exhausting and it wasn't making sense anymore for me to fight to get to the "okay" place.
I liked it better where I was.
But I've always felt such an extreme push and pull in either direction.

It's not okay to be in my "depressed" state.
It's not okay to be in whatever the heck "euphoric" state I've spent most of the day in the last week.

I also see what comes out of both states. And while my "depressed" state is extremely self-destructive, I also can see things in a whole different way. Things seems much more beautiful. Life seems much more stunning. I'm much more artistic and ideas come to me during the day multiple times. I see so much more than what's in front of me when at the same time I can't even see the next day.
When I'm okay I'm just that. It's boring, there's nothing. I'm numb. I lack inspiration because I've settled. The beauty is gone.
(I know, I'm a hugely backwards thinker)

It's almost like I have to be in the first state to be alive, although that state kills me.

So I need to find balance.
Which is going to be extremely freaking difficult, I'm aware.

Wish me luck, I'm diving in.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By imadancer2member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2400, member since Wed Nov 30, 2005
On Sun Nov 07, 2010 01:39 PM



Day 98 - A time to fade away

I don't know...this is just what I feel today.
I think I'm giving up on NaNoWriMo also.

---

My Dad gave me an external flash from 1984 and low and behold it works on my camera. It's nothing special, but I'm still very excited.
re: 365 Please en>fr fr>en
By QueensJennmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1278, member since Mon Dec 05, 2005
On Sun Nov 07, 2010 02:53 PM
Please don't give up :( I don't know what else to say, but I hope you feel better.
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