Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 01:32 PM
Edited by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-16 13:36:17
Edited by imadanseur (79325) on 2010-08-16 19:05:43 yeah posting someone's phone number not such a good idea.
Locked by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-18 15:40:30 Best case scenario, The discussion was good and necessary. Thanks everyone. Problem solved.

I am freaking out right now and I really need advice. I have no idea what to do. I wish I could talk with some friends about it but they don't like us together so their advice would be a bit biased.

We have been dating for about a year and half now and everything was perfect. I love him and we are serious in this relationship. I connect with him on so many levels and we have the occasional fight, but more of the healthy fighting type.

Now when started dating I made it clear that I wanted it to be exclusive because former guy I dated ended up sleeping with another girl and he broke my heart after promising me the world. So I made that clear and he was happy about it. Not that I knew he would be my boyfriend, but just to start things on nice bases.

There have times where I had doubts (not really doubts, but more questions) that he might have been dated a couple of girls at the same time when we started seeing each other. So I asked him. He freaked out and told me that just the fact that I asked this question was already too much and that I should believe him and that it was just me and him for the whole time. I also made it clear that to me it's not just about sleeping with someone else, but more in the kind oof stuff that breaks a relationship "contracts": kissing, going on dates, asking your friend to present you this girl. It might be too much, but to me it's one of the most important stuff as I don't want to be worrying everytime he goes out or doesn't call me. I don't want to be this naive girl again. Anyway. I believed him. That was maybe 6-8 months ago.

Recently I thought he was acting weird. Making excuses to go back home when we spend our weekends together. Saying no to my bootie calls (we'll see each another day he says). Going out more often with his buddies. Trying new drugs. I have nothing against drugs, me and him we do some occasionally but he usually so freaked out by them and refuses to do some with me but will do bigger drugs with said buddy. Acting cold on the phone and getting pissed off more easily (I blamed it on stress). All things I'd be fine with taken INDIVIDUALLY but all together, I started to find that weird.

So I checked his email. And I know it's bad. Like real bad. But if you have nothing to hide it shouldnt be a huge deal (it is a huge deal but what is done is done.). First of all for the first 2-3 months we were dating (dating as in everyone sees us as a couple, seeing each other 3-4 times a week, having dinner with his parents.) he was seing other chicks. Nothing happened. Just by reading the mail I can tell he got rejected but soe of them he was saying he missed them and stuff. It was at the beginning so it's more forgiving. He said we never made it clear it was serious and to him it was serious later than me. Ok...

I told him about that and the fact I checked his email. He was disappointed at me he said for not trusting him. I said imagine me. You lied to me on various occasions making me feel bad for asking questions to only find out I was right and if you had told me I would have got over it. I acted calmly, asking for explanations and doing my mea culpa. he had to leave for the weekend so I stopped the conversation there.

But my biggest issue is not this one. Another email I found was from March 2010 so NOT at the beginning of our relationship. At this point it's been a year ya know. He personnaly wrote her an email saying:

Hey *Insert girl's name*,

Thanks for a really cool night at Brutopia! I had lots of fun talking to you! Hope to see you and Mel *I dont know who is mel either* at Rouge tomorrow night (11pm'ish).

Boyfriend

She replied something about getting the message late. My thing is: he went out for beers with a girl. I was not invited. They have no other commons friends so how did he meet her? Then not only that but he invited her the next day (on a weekend we usually spend together) to go to a club I was never invited to. He always makes it clear he just goes with his buddies and wants to have a guys night out. Then why a girl? And her instead of me. She is no long time friend. :'( I tried to think of so many scenarios that it was NOTHING and he was not trying to date another girl... but every scenario I make up doesnt make sense


Just writing that I feel so sad. To me... combined everything else sends red flags. I don't want to act crazy when I tell him about it. But I think I deserve to know what's going on. He loves me, I love him. I sincerly want to get over that but how and do I trust him? I'm so lost and I need hugs and good advice and no lecture about reading email he already know and tome there are two separate issues and I'll gladly explain to him why I did it.

If you read all this i love you.

He is coming back tomorrow and we plan on seing each other.

10 Replies to Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP

re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP (karma: 1)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 02:28 PM
I don't understand the yardstick that you're using here. Certain things are OK at X time, but not at Y time? Er, no. Either all of it's OK, or none of it is.

I also think that you're the suspicious and jealous type (Hi, demanding exclusive dating before you'd ever gone out!), and suspicious and jealous people find things to be suspicious and jealous over.

So to boil down my opinions, you've put down a set of rules that are given to change at any moment. I can't blame the guy for not understanding how the game is played.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 02:48 PM
Edited by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-16 14:51:57
Edited by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-16 14:58:13
Edited by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-16 15:02:30 jsuis tannée :(
Thank you Theresa for your reply. Yes I agree it's confusing sorry. I think I'd be more coherent in French. Let me try to rephrase it if it changes something.

I don't think it's ever ok to date, arrange dates, kiss or sleep with another person. He knows it, and it applies the same for me. It's a different thing to see friend than going on date. My boyfriend and I both agreed on this thing. It's crystal clear.

Also, I was not the one who demanded it first when we started to date, he actually brought it up the subject by asking me if I was seing other guys and we discussed the thing and came up to the conclusion that we didn't want to date other people and that we would wait to see where this whole thing was going. Also this discussion occured a couple of weeks after our first date and after we had slept with each other a couple of times. Also we had known each other for a year before that so when we started dating it was really because something had been growing between us. I might have talked more during this conversation than he did so that's why I say *I* made it clear. But it was a discussion we both had and agreed on. So I don't agree with the confusing rules thing. Isn't that clear? Or if it's not, how could I make it more clear so there is no confusion possible? It's been a year now. Shouldn't it be clear that I want a monogamous relationship?

I agree I am the insecure type, but I never voice it. Maybe two or three times (the ones I explained). I never question him. He goes out, it's fine I tell him to have fun and I go and do something else on my own. He also girl friends that he goes out with and it's fine because I know it's totally friendly and I don't have doubts about this part. Or if I do, I sleep on it and the next day it's gone. He doesn't know about that. He often tells me how much he appreciates how understand I am. That his other girlfriends never tusted him. That it's fun he doesn't have to justify his behaviour. What made me doubt enough to check his email is a sudden change of behaviour in multiple ways and other stuff that is not really relevant to the post. Curiosity killed the cat and I feel totally bad about it. THAT I agree is acting insecure and jealous and is not healthy. But that can't be what pushed him to cheat on me if he did. Something like that never happened before...

EDIT: Also, if you guys think this email is nothing at all, should I even tell him about it? I know I would feel better if I could get it out of my chest but if it's uneccessary, should I just have make-up sexe (haha! :P)and pretend nothing happened.

Sorry for so many questions but I don't want to make a mistake.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By LizDancermember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 03:35 PM
I disagree with Theresa. It sounds like you aren't really the insecure type, you just have certain requirement for dating, requirements that you made perfectly clear from the beginning and that he willingly agreed to. And then he broke those promises. That would make me really, really uncomfortable too. I guess what you have to do is talk to him and think it over and decide if you think you can trust him again. Because if you can't, there's not much point being in a relationship.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 05:08 PM
I disagree with Theresa. It sounds like you aren't really the insecure type, you just have certain requirement for dating, requirements that you made perfectly clear from the beginning and that he willingly agreed to.


Was one of those "requirements" that she get free run of his email? Because if it was, I missed that.

Look, you either want to be with the guy, or you don't, and he either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. All of this "what if"-ing, is useless.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 05:33 PM
Edited by josy002 (144829) on 2010-08-16 17:36:39
So he's allowed to do what he wants without me never ever questioning him about anything? That's not necessarly constructive (not saying that checking his email was but at leasti wont end up spending 5 years with someone and realized I got cheated on the whole time)

At least I had the guts to tell him I checked his email. He didn't. He lied when I asked about these girls. That's not a "if". It's a fact. Found out in not a good way, but it's still there and it's hard to totally forget about a thought even if I tried. (for further reference, I recommend the movie Inception haha)

And I want to be with the guy... I just want explanations on the last email, the "if" thing. And I want explanations in order to move to something else and make sure we're on the same page. If after those explanations we end up realizing we are not on the same page and don't want to change anything about it then no there is no point being with him of course. The only "if" is the last email. It might be useless to talk about it like you said.

That's why.. if A third person wants to say something so there is a majority of some kind lol that would be helpful

You know the worst. I miss him already. It's pathetic. :(
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By lee_britt
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 05:36 PM
Honestly, that email sounds pretty harmless to me. It sounds like he was going to this "Rouge" place. He wouldn't have said "hope to see you there" if he was just going to go solo and wait for her there. Also, he asked her friend (presumably) to go as well. You don't know that it wasn't with a group of his guy friends. Also, this was about 6 months ago? Are you positive that he didn't invite you? That's quite a while ago to remember tiny details.

Bottom line is, you currently don't trust him. That's a pretty huge deal in a relationship. You both need to decide if that's something you can (and are willing to) work through.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By LeSoulierVertmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 05:39 PM
I have no idea what's going on with this guy, but lets be honest here... It sounds super sketchy!

Do you really feel like you can trust him?

I wouldn't feel like it if I was in your siutation and that would be enough for me to re-evaluate the whole thing.

Life is too short to me super paranoid and snooping around wondering if you're going to get stabbed in the back.

I know that my man doesnt cheat, and I'm confident enough in that that I dont have to worry/snoop.

Wouldn't you like to have that too? I'm guessing yes...

Will you ever have that with him? I'm guessing no...
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:11 PM
Wow thank you everyone for your replies. I'm taking everything you said into consideration and came to a conclusion.

He called me today to plan when we were seing each other and I told him that I really needed to talk about that issue when he comes back so I can just get an answer. I didn't want to talk about it too much on the phone because 1. it's the phone 2. I don't want his trip to be ruined. But he wanted to know more...

I made it clear that I was sad because I hate not knowing, but not mad at him, but I still wanted to clarify some stuff. I said that I wanted to have a relax discussion with a bottle of wine and chocolate cake (thought it would lighten the atmosphere) but that I really wanted to talk. He said he would love to. He told me that this lie is nothing and that I shouldn't be worried that much. I told him there was more than that and he just shut up. I could hear him swallow hardly when he said: like what? He seemed a little stressed out but we agreed to have a relax discussion when he comes back. I tried to put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it will stay a rational discussion where emotions wont take over everything. It helped me a lot to write it so I stay coherent and less emotional when I talk to him. He also said that he would bring his stuff for the next day so he plans on sleeping at my place which makes me think that to him it's no breaking up isssue. I'll have to figure out if it's the same thing on my side and if there's a way we can get each other's trust back. Crucial part of a relationship I agree. So now I just have to wait. Painful. I hope everything works out well.

Thank you for the help everyone :)
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By panicmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:31 PM
This sounds like a very healthy relationship. Not. But you both sound perfect for each other. He'll continue to cheat, and you'll continue to snoop. And when this whole dysfunctional mess explodes, you can both feel like it was the other person's fault. Win-win.
re: Having doubts about my boyfriend - Need advice ASAP
By Josianemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Aug 17, 2010 02:39 PM
It wasnt dysfunctional til I read the emails, that's the problem. If it had been a rollecoaster relationship with a lot of ups and down and whatnot I would have ended up the relationship, no problem. It was going super well and I hope we can go back to this point. I think it's worth trying because the last year and a half I've been so happy in that relationship. As for the snooping thing, I'm for sure gonna ask him to change his password (I told him when he gave it to me that I would have prefered he didn't give it to me and he said it doesn't matter).

Anyway, he is gonna be home in 2 hours and I'm super stressed out. Hope I don't paralyze lol. Best case scenario, he is very understand, proves me that this girl is no one, that it was was a friend and nothing happened and that he looks really sincere. Then, that he apologizes for the lie and agree that it makes it look like he's hiding something (even if he is not). On my side, I explain the whole reading email stupidity I've done and I apologize and he forgives me. Then we figure out a way that we can get each other's trust back. My idea is that he shouldnt keep me in the dark so much about his nights out.

It's been obsessing me for the past 3 days. I never go to bed without trying to discuss our issues and now because I couldnt it has blown out over proportions.

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