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Poetry
A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued
By Orionmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2706, member since Sun Feb 24, 2008
On Fri Sep 17, 2010 09:45 PM

Taco Tuesday (working title, definitely)
Two days of practice,
I've missed,
and they want to know why.
Him especially,
sitting across from me at the plastic table,
questions in his face.

Are you sick?

I take a bite
of my taco.

Something like that.

I'm actually considering telling him,
but I take another bite
and swallow my nerves.
He doesn't know what to say,
silence.
Eventually, he starts again:

There are different kinds of
sick
you know, some people think crap like depression
is sickness.
All those sad people,
popping pills,
to try to fix their lives.

And then I realize why
I don't say anything,
Why
I don't tell the world what's wrong.
It's not depression, but close enough,
more misunderstood.
I can't tell them why
I can't always make it to practice.
Why
I need medication to function.
That's how they would see me,
and that's not who I want to be.

He's still talking about it,
how mental illnesses aren't
Real Diseases,
and I look up from my taco.
With the hardest stare,

You don't know shit about that.

He shuts up.
Gives me the questioning look, but
not another word on the subject.

I want
to yell and scream,
ask him if he knows how it feels
to slice up your own skin,
to be on eight psychoactive medications,
to not remember what you did yesterday,
to lose control of your own thoughts.
I want
to tell him
he has no idea what I've been through
and what I'm capable of, and
that I am tough, dammit.

But I don't,
because then,
he would know.

I get up, leave the table
move two seats down, between two friends,
laugh about something nonsensical.
I ignore the look he gives me.
I take another bite of my taco.





I love comments, I love help with word choice and phrasing and basically everything.

Also, the original narrative version is in my diary if you want to read it.

4 Replies to A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued

re: A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5889, member since Sat Sep 29, 2007
On Mon Sep 20, 2010 07:13 PM
First this stanza is a bit awkward
And then I realize why
I don't say anything,
Why
I don't tell the world what's wrong.
It's not depression, but close enough,
more misunderstood.
I can't tell them why
I can't always make it to practice.
Why
I need medication to function.
That's how they would see me,
and that's not who I want to be.


It might flow better if you enjab the "why" between the "I can't"s espcialliy since you enjabed the "why" between to "I don't"s.

So, it'd be:
And then I realize why
I don't say anything,
Why
I don't tell the world what's wrong.
It's not depression, but close enough,
more misunderstood.
I can't tell them
Why
I can't always make it to practice.
Why
I need medication to function.
That's how they would see me,
and that's not who I want to be.


I like your use of nonsensical in the final stanza.
re: A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued
By Orionmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 2706, member since Sun Feb 24, 2008
On Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:47 PM
^ I definitely see your point there - I was having trouble phrasing that.

Maybe like...
And then I realize
why
I don't say anything,
why
I don't tell the world what's wrong.
It's not depression, but close enough,
more misunderstood.
I can't tell them
why
I can't always make it to practice,
why
I need medication to function.
That's how they would see me,
and that's not who I want to be.


So that each "why" is on its own line. I'm not sure.

Also, I just realized I forgot to post the censored version. Oops...
re: A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5889, member since Sat Sep 29, 2007
On Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:04 AM
I totally misspelled enjambment, that's what I get for typing replies at work.

That does flow better. IMHO.

Eh, I don't care that it wasn't censored, you could ask a mod to edit it before someone mod reports it.
re: A narrative-turned-poem that I'd like critiqued
By Heartmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 15032, member since Thu Feb 14, 2002
On Tue Sep 21, 2010 01:16 AM
It's very good. I suggest coming up with some synonyms for "taco," though. I get the structure of coming back to that image, but so much re-use of one distinctive word makes it look repetitive. Think of different ways to say the same thing, like shooting a picture from a bunch of different angles.

I like your phrasing in the edit. The random capitalization and uneven line breaks hurt the flow. Your fixed version goes down much smoother. I'd double-check the line breaks throughout the whole poem, it just doesn't seem "right" to me - but that could just be personal preference.

I like it. :)

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