Forum: Arts / Poetry

Could I get some critiques?
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Sep 20, 2010 06:44 PM

I'll just post a few in spoilers, I really want critiques. I have all of these on my deviantart but I never got any comments.

Spoiler: Show

Coldness, surrounds us,
But no hint is with us
Darkness, it's as dark –
If not darker – than the nights sky on Earth,
But here in this place we can
We can see and we can be warm
Floating through the sky – Space

Space is infinite,
But is it?
How far out have we gone?
If we keep going in a straight line
Will we reach home?
Or is there a stopping point?
Infinite is incomprehensible
To the human mind
Though, here, we are, flying
Into the unknown.

Out in the cold and dark
No sound on the outside of
These walls
Our engines make no noise
Out there.
Those huge engines that
Propel us on our way
Make no sound out there.

It's not like the movies
It's not some epic adventure
Where every few days you discover
Something new, to you.
Entertainment is in short supply.
enfolds us
We play games, do our jobs
But, it is not enough.

Being off duty is the worst
Fantasies come
Fantasies go
But none last

I, myself, stand alone
At the panel of controls
I forget
I lapse
Into a distant memory
Happiness fills me remembering
Then, there, I stand once more
At the controls.

I've been here for years
Gone places other people have
Only dreamed of
But, I am bored of it.
Slowly, it's killing me,
It's killing us all.
This ship, these people
It's so confining
A sort of cabin fever
Strikes us all.
We itch to get out
We have to do something
To keep out minds off of
The captivity.

Most of my life is their
To fly through space
To explore infinity
They want it…
I wanted it
At one time long ago.

Being stuck in a ship when
Infinity is out there waiting
To be seen, is no fun.

Regret Recognition
Spoiler: Show

Regret is not to be feared
Regret is your own recognition
But, I feel some, I am not meant
To feel
These feelings are scaring me.
Long have I been viewed as a sociopath
(They say I am)
Am I cured?
Does that make me human?

The things I have done, were for
Me, I am the one who matters
Not them.
They are gone, dead.
they went away,
I made them disappear
I wish I hadn't done it.
I did not regret it until
The white coated ones began
To experiment.
I t was after I was "dead."
Dead to the world, but not
To myself.

It was not immediate.
I, was confused at my new
State of being.
The torture confused me
What did I do to deserve this?
Oh, Heh, I killed.
Not only did I kill, I covered
It up and got away with it
For years, until, one day
I wanted my glorious work
To be known to the world.
That's where we all fall.

Recognition - that's what I regret.
I probably would have gotten
Away with it for much longer
If I didn't want to gloat.
I do not regret the actions
But the consequences.

Does that render me only human?
Is to feel to be human?
I do not feel. Ergo I am
Not human.
My lack of emotion renders
Me a sociopath

Or so I've been told.

Escape is on my mind.
They put me here, left me to
Wallow in my own defecation.
Your defecation.
Me, alone, with the shit
of the world.

I cannot respect them
They are not like me.

Spoiler: Show

Magic is what we want
This concept, is unreal to us
But is most real, indeed.
Rules are set up
Rules are broken
Power does not rule you
You rule the power
Magic uncontrolled is way too

We should know nothing of this.
Nothing of the truth
We want the truth and the
Truth is hidden from us.
Hidden for the purpose of
Danger to us all if
We discover the truth
For the truth is

If we, the general public, know the
Then, well, all hell would break loose.
Chaos would reign.
Our country was built on magic
Life is surrounded by the
Presence of magic

Magic is inconceivable to most
Impossible, unnatural
Not everyone has the aptitude

The rules are this:
Don't tell
Look for auras first, then talk
Don't lose control

It's all logic
Real logic

In your reality this is crazy
In mine, it's the truth
It's my

Because of the format here's a link to the next one - . . .

Illegal Alien
Spoiler: Show

There is nothing in the void
That is what we were taught our whole lives
It was just a giant thing of nothingness
But what if it is not?
We were told to not even think about the void.
Because it was a lie.
We were told that all things that go in the void die.
What if it wasn't so?
It was a lie; it was all a lie.
There is infinity in the void,
Why would they lie?
What do they know?
Why keep this from us?
What is so bad or so good about this life in the void?

What is there to lie about?
The void is where they banish us if we do wrong.
Cast off to die
This was a lie
Cast off to live, somewhere,
This was the truth.
I know because I was one of them.
The horrors I committed were worthy of this punishment.
I am meant to be dead
Do they know I am alive?

Here I am. Alive.
Here I am, in the void.
I know the truth
But did they?
Did they know what kind of life that exists in this place?
At first, when they cast me off
I welcomed death
But it never came
I kept on breathing
I floated for quite a while.
It was strange,
There was nothing, yet,
I could breathe.
I know not how long I floated
Before I appeared here.
This place is amazing in its own right.
The sky is blue.
The grass is green.
So unlike home.
The air is breathable
The plants and animals are edible.
But the life forms here…
These life forms from the other side of the void
Bipeds, like us.
Shaped like us in the general ways –
Two arms, two legs and a head
But in others we are not like them at all.
Primitive they are
The technology is non-existent.
And violent, they are.
Well, most are.
They fear me and fight me.
They stood no chance

Now I'm on the run,
The animals here like me
Now after hiding among the trees for years,
I am found out

Technology had changed a lot.
These life forms die and reproduce quickly.
These people still fear me
They know not of the void
They think I am from 'space'
I correct them, not.
Governments confronted me
Once they heard of my existence
They vied for my attention
It was a stand off
I just wanted to go home
But they knew not of the void.

There is nothing in the void – a lie.

Where are my brethren?
Still floating in the void?
Did they land on a different world?
Did they find a different place in time?
I want to know.

We were taught wrong
I wish they knew the truth
Their lies cause me to live, alone.
They lies they told might have been truth, to them.
Unaware of the lies they told.
Unaware of the fate they gave us.
I hope they were unaware
Of the lies they told us
There is nothing in the void
I know the truth
Life is in the void.

Change, for the worse
Spoiler: Show

Moving slowly we travel
But where are we going?
Around and around we go.
But, the destination
We do not know
We always more forward
We cannot move back.

But what if we could?
Move backwards
Through time
Not reverse time
But to travel throughout it
What would we do
How would we cope
We, a people of never looking back
Leaving a path of destruction
Where ever we go
We ignore history
Ignore our own truths
Our own faults
We fail to learn
From our mistakes

We, as we are now,
Would not observe
As we should
We would try to change it

For the worse

Spoiler: Show

Drifting aimlessly
Happening across nothing
Death seems like a sweet release
This boredom, this dullness
Of being the only one awake

Catastrophe struck
Ejected we were, on a set of
Cryogenic escape pods
Two hundred sleep while
I stay awake

Power is draining
To put the pods on
Reserve is to kill a fourth.
I must retain the force field
Keeping the pods together
The main pod must not lose power –
Or else we all die.

Death seems like a sweet relief
It has been days, weeks, months
I have lost almost half the crew –
The sleepers.

Receiving stray signals
And desperately sending out
Distress calls

No replies
Death seems like a sweet release

Supplies dwindle
My pod with all ten of us
Is the only one left
Soon it will only be me.

Though, death seems like a sweet release,
I cannot give up on these people yet

Even the sleepless state
Of the cryo is more appealing
Than being the centurion, the pilot, the captain
The keeper of the cryo sleepers.

Alone, drifting in space –
No one has replied
Soon, soon it will be time to unplug.

Drifting slowly through
The cold nothingness
Amid the burning stars
Between the gravitational pulls
Of far distant planets.

Our life signs fleeting
The darkness coming
The loneliness sets in

I walk by the
Few on my pod
I yearn for their company
If I wake the them,
Death is only that much closer

Resist the urge – do your job.
These people need you.

Awake, yet not,
Dreaming through unconscious
Life signs fail.

Death seems like a sweet release

1 Replies to Could I get some critiques?

re: Could I get some critiques?
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Sep 28, 2010 06:42 PM
No takers? You can just pick one (you don't have to do all of them). I could really use the critiques.


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