I've been away for a while... Though I did say in my last Diary that I would be back, with this new title, and here I am!

Wednesday April 7th, iGoogle quote of the day: "Only the shallow know themselves."
- Oscar Wilde

Not sure how well I'll be able to keep this diary, I'm working more now, time to "analyse myself" less. Though I think that may be a good thing. I am going to try to catch up with what my old diary buddies are up to too.

I wanted to move back to Edinburgh when I got back from SA, I wrote about pro-activity in changing my life. Most people I know either made a conscious decision on their career at 18, or fell into work by having a job by necessity and continuing with training while in the job.

I'm working as a classroom assistant at the minute. I'm thinking about maybe working towards getting a PGCE and becoming a teacher. What's ironic is that on the tv, at the minute, TOTP2 is playing "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd.

I don't know how my life is going to turn out. I left school, and I've travelled a bit, lived in France for almost half a year, been round South America for 4 months, lived with a Peruvian family, of which more than half were happily employed as teachers! I've seen some amazing sights! Macchu Picchu, the Amazon rainforest, Condors flying over the Colca Canyon, The most dangerous, and beautiful road in the world, The driest desert in the world, a huge expanse of nothing but salt, Che Guevara's homeplace, and his original motorbike, the Iguazu falls, and the Helicopters of the rich of Sao Paulo!!

And as my sister has told me, there are two very good reasons to become a teacher: July and August!

So, let's see what happens next in my life!!

The pictures:
1. Fireworks display in the village I lived in in Peru, Urubamba.
2. Bullfight (where I had my phone stolen) in Urubamba, to celebrate Senor de Torrechayoc.
3. Snake Stuart caught in the Amazon rainforest, a Rainbow Boa, non-poisonous.
4. Party night in the jungle with two friends, having gotten very drunk..
5. With altitude sickness, still wanting to take a cool jump shot, Inca trail to Macchu Picchu.
6. Sunset on the Isla del Sol, Lake Titicaca, Bolivia.
7. Thermal spring in the desert at 7am.
8. The Atacama desert, driest in the world, the group that were in my 4x4, minus me.
9. A re-located Maoi statue from Easter Island, Chile, in a museum in La Serena.
10. Tango Show finale, Buenos Aires, Argentina.

That was the limit of the photos reached. 10. There will be stories of my trip, but not in the same way as the stories I told of New Zealand. More, anecdotes that in some way help me to explain why my head's at where it's at, and why I am planning on doing what I'm doing.

At mass this morning, the priest was going on about people who don't go that were raised as Catholics, and how they're obviously greedy and not thinking about their time after life. Well that just made me want to punch him, for planting poison like that in peoples' minds. I would never go to mass again, if I could, because I have thought long and hard about my religious beliefs, and I don't care much to share them with many, because part of my beliefs are keeping them to myself, what I believe in is for me to know, and follow, and let other people do what they want, so long as it doesn't hurt others or me. I'm a good person, and I'm not greedy, and I want to live a happy life, and I want to travel and see the world, and I need money to do that, life is not just about survival. I did good things in Peru, and I saw amazing sights, but I travelled and had fun, and touched other peoples' lives too. Who cares if it wasn't philanthropy?? That man really has given no thought to anything outside his own little bubble of thoughts, and how a good life, well lived, is not selfish. He made me angry, because so many drink up his words, and I'm sure that that part of his sermon made my parents think that they were glad that I was still going to mass. Though really, they're the ones in the wrong, Catholicism is not about appearances, but they are worried about that, and wanting me to be seen at mass to keep up their appearance as having raised good catholic children is funny to me, in the odd sense of the word.

That part of me, the part that doesn't want religion to interfere with other's lives, that's a part that doesn't want to be a teacher. Mostly because of the religious backgrounds of most schools here in Northern Ireland, and I couldn't bring myself to work for them. Though I may have to sell out.

Another part of me that doesn't want to be a teacher is the part that liked my education, and loved learning, but has read about home-schooling, and how so many have benefitted from being educated at home and choosing their courses of interest and being free to study what they want and being much more valuable in the workforce because of that. Also having the freedom to have fieldtrips that are worthwhile, educational, interesting, and wanted, and well researched by the student.

Though for primary teaching, I could do, it's just that then, I would have to sent any kids I may or may not have to secondary school too, since I wouldn't be at home with them then. Unless I marry someone who has a good enough job to support us without me working, then I can teach them the whole way through.

I think I am looking at studying teaching, if only as a way to have a career that's well paid, and will get me away from home, and having some sort of a normal adult life again. Then I can worry about the rest as it happens. I mean, who even knows if I find a job as a regular teacher? Or if I marry an American who earns enough to provide well for us, and we can live in one of those nice sunny places so we can have a pool, and home school the kids that play football (can you play gaelic in the states?) and dance, and yeah... I'm going to stop letting American television taint my idea of a happy ideal, because there are plenty of other ideals, and I won't have failed if I wind up living in the rainy UK for the rest of my life! No sir.

That said, I think I need to look at PGCE options within the next couple of weeks, and then after that, look at visa requirements for the United States and Canada. Even for a year long working holiday, or an extended trip or something, so that I can meet my future husband and automatically get citizenship.

Now, I realise that if any of this ever does come true, and I do find love over the water, and they google me and somehow find this post, I'll never get a visa, since it will just look like I want to marry them for the visa. So I guess this is just me pointing out how ludicrous it seems for me to even be attempting to think about such a far fetched idea!

One can dream!!

www.dance.net . . .

Well, that's the latest way I'm going. I'll maybe reply to this again later in the week, when I kind of figure out a bit more about the life that I'm leading.

So, it's official. I have absolutely no time to do anything for myself at any time. When my family are at home, I'm constantly being asked about the PGCE application, so I want to have that finished before mum and dad get home from their holiday, just so that it's done, and I don't have to worry about fobbing them off with another excuse about how I'm not really sure if I want to be a teacher or not. See, the thing is, I'm not, but while they accept that, they are perfectly happy with me to apply, and decide later if I really want to.

I phoned Kathryn earlier. Was good to chat, like we used to, I properly caught up with her. Her niece is doing well, and is almost two months old now!! I still can't believe that so much time has passed since she told me her sister was pregnant. She's putting the flat on the market after Christmas, a fact that makes me rather sad, but happy at the same time, because while I had great times in that flat, and I loved living there, it would be very strange indeed if I were to move back to Edinburgh and not be living there with her again. Though she and I independently living elsewhere, that's fine!

Speaking of going back to Edinburgh, I vaguely spoke of that with her. I mentioned that I am applying to two cities in the PGCE app. Liverpool (because it's good quality) and Edinburgh, because it's Edinburgh. So I'm glad I mentioned that, even if I don't wind up doing it at all (or even getting accepted!) I asked her about hostels in the USA, and if they were any good, and she said that yes, they were, and since she travelled round Oz/Nz, and I've been in Nz hostels too, I know she's at the right standard for me, and I'm surprised that my guidebook said otherwise. I spoke of my classroom assistant job, and how I really do love it, but I think I love more the one to one type aspects of the job than anything else. I'm guessing that there would be a lot about teaching that would frustrate me, as there is a little about my current position that frustrates me too, like, when I can see that no one in the class is getting it, and I'd love to be able to just push the teacher to one side, and explain it in a way that I know they'd understand. I guess it works both ways. Though just typing that out has made me realise that I really don't want to be a teacher, because I'd be scared that I wouldn't be any good, and I don't want to destroy childrens' chances of education. I mean, everyone in my family came out of our primary school with not great English, but good maths, though I'm not sure if that's a failing on our family's part, or the schools. I also almost didn't study Geography at A-level, because I had such an awful GCSE teacher, until I was told that he wouldn't be teaching A-level, and I realised that I might actually have a chance! I hated studying religion, and technology, and Art, because I just didn't get the teachers, or they couldn't get me, I don't know.

In many ways, I'm closer to my teenage self now, than 6 months ago, but then, I am back at school, and I do feel as though I'm another of the students more than a staff member. I enjoy classes the way I used to, and I think that that's maybe why I'm enjoying it so much. Learning again. My school set me up in such a way that I was used to almost getting the exam answers handed to me, (ok, not quite, but let me explain!) I only ever learnt what I was taught, I was never inspired to learn anything more, never encouraged to look further and question more. When I think now, I think that must be why I didn't do well in university, because I didn't want to do more than what was asked of me in class. We were given assignments with very broad topic threads, that we then had to interpret and answer, we had to figure out what was being asked of us before actually setting out to do the studies, figure out possible answers, and present our findings. My research involved getting one answer, because we were taught that we needed to pass exams, and to do what we needed to do to pass. I'm sure there are plenty who have responded well to that type of education, but I was not one of them.

We had a substitute once, for maths, no one liked her style, the following year, after our mechanics teacher had retired (we had the sub for pure maths, two different threads of the same subject) we had a new teacher. Not long qualified, his old maths teacher?? That sub from the year before. His teaching style was exactly like hers.

I don't want to be a teacher because I'm not sure I would encourage any student to do anything at all. I have life skills, and I have a lot of knowledge, things that I have been inspired to research. Quite a lot of that has not come from school or university. I need to understand what I'm passionate about learning about. What I'm interested in knowing more about. Then I can figure out where I want to go with my life.

That said, I don't want a job that I love not in that sense of the word. I don't want a job that I'm married to. When I was 16, I wanted to go to study dance and drama, like friends of mine from dance class were. Mum wouldn't let me, she said I wouldn't be cut out for that kind of life. When I was 19, and trying to figure out what it was about what I was studying that was so uninteresting that it was causing me to fail, I resented her for that. I wished I had been given the opportunity. She mentioned to me that maybe I could drop out and go elsewhere to study something along those lines. I resisted, because I didn't want to move home for the in between times and lose all my friends there.

In retrospect, I would have done well with either of those paths, but neither of them would have got me where I am today. With the first, I probably would not have left Northern Ireland. I possibly would have become a dance teacher, at 16, I just wanted to study that, I had no thought towards employability or what I would do with it afterwards. Had I dropped out and gone on to study dance elsewhere, I would always have wondered at the friends I left behind in Edinburgh, I would have done well, been interested, but not greatly, not enough to do fantastically at university level.

It is only now, with my life experiences behind me, that I understand what it is to learn, and what it is to study, and how to make those things work for you. I have yet to understand what it is I want to learn, in order to become the person I [should] want to be, to live the life I want to lead.

I am still searching for a career path that I can follow, in good faith, that will bring me to a healthy life and a happy family.

So yesterday, I wrote a reply that began with my conversation with Kathryn, and ended with worries about me being a teacher, or not.

I didn't even tough on another aspect of my conversation with Kathryn, the part about how I have no social life to speak of here. Case in point: Last night was a Saturday, I typed that as I spent a Saturday night at home, tonight is Halloween... I'm going to bed soon, even though I'm not working tomorrow.

The friends I have here are:
My best friend, but only sometimes, as she goes to university in Edinburgh.
One friend from dancing, who has a whole group of other people that she goes out with, and sometimes works with, she teaches dance and drama. I only ever catch up with her during the day, we don't go out together, also, in part, due to the fact that she teaches in an FE college, and doesn't want to bump into her students.
The friends from when I worked in the restaurant last year. Unfortunately, my acceptable social hours have changed, and theirs have not, it's way too difficult to even imagine going out with them now, because before I was getting up at midday and later, and so were they, and it was easier to keep awake for longer, and now, well, now I'm getting up at 7am, so I don't want to be in bed much later than half eleven.

That's pretty much the height of it. Rubbish.

I know that if I go back to Edinburgh the friends I had there will have dispersed too, Sarah & Katy both have long term boys, and those two and Karen & Jade don't like going out too late because they just can't keep up either! So we're all early to bed people now, what with not wanting to drink too much, and it was always that that kept us going when we were at uni. Though the issue here is co-ordinating a night out that suits everyone, with the second jobs a couple of them have.
The boys, well, two of them will still be around, but they work weekend nights, though not Sundays, that was always our night, so I guess that works ok.
Kathryn & Matt are hopefully moving soon, like I said, she's putting her flat on the market next year, and though she'll still be in Edinburgh, on the other side, and in a much more sensible place, in that to go out in town, it's an expensive taxi home, or an early train, or very long bus ride.

I understand that no matter where I am, it's hard to have a social life, but I literally have no friends here that I can call on if I want a night in the pub for a chat over a couple of pints. Or some girls that can go out for a good dance and a bum wiggle. I think it's also particularly hard because I'm wary of disrupting my parents, I don't want to rock the boat by staying out too long, or arranging things last minute, mostly because I really can't deal with having to answer to all the questions they'd pose if I tried to organise anything last minute, they think that's ridiculous.

I'm applying for PGCEs in Liverpool and Edinburgh, and over the course of the next few months, I'll know if I really want to follow through with them or not, and find out if I am able to even start them with the decisions of the institutions at play. I think I need to travel some more, and look at working at a travel or tour agents, anywhere at all.

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After I wrote that last sentence, I remembered that I wanted to look up another tour agency's website for jobs. Then the phone rang... I had to go into work to lock the door since there were no keys left to lock up with!!! Came back home, and my tea was still warm, and my macbook had only gone dim, not black!!! So I went onto that website... Turns out they have some going at the minute. How interesting!!!! Maybe I shall apply for those too. As, even though a teacher actually gets probably better pay, and good holiday time, I don't want to be tied to school hours and school holidays, and not getting a decent ski break when it's going to be cheap, or a decent summer holiday before the crowds. In short, I don't want a job with hours that's going to have me "with the masses"

Though that is, essentially, a completely different issue to the one complaining about lack of social life.

Tomorrow I'm working at 10am. Then I'm going straight on shopping, then I'm coming home, going to do a bit of the PGCE app, maybe facebook photos, and cv work to look at applying for a few of these tour agent jobs too... You never know, I might wind up back in Edinburgh a lot sooner than you think!

That being said, I'm also loathe to do that sort of thing, because I actually really like my job as a classroom assistant. Only because I've really built up a relationship with a couple of the girls, and also the other assistants... If I left, and mum didn't have someone to replace me, I'd leave those girls without help, and I'd leave the other assistants with a heavier workload, and the way it works (is very confusing, I know!) is that we have an allotted amount of hours, and sometimes we do more than those hours, and sometimes we do less, but if it is on our timetable to consistently do more, we may still only be getting paid for less, because there are legal implications to arrange cover, but also legal implications to not have us over our contracted hours. Yeah, not sure how it works, but yeah... Makes it awkward on that score, though I really wouldn't be too bothered, I'm not here for the camaraderie between me and a group of middle aged women. (The youngest is 30, and though that's close in age to me, she relates better to the others, as she has a son in Primary school. The rest have children in their teens and older, a couple are grandmothers.) It's more, not wanting to let the students down, a couple in particular, as I really do like them, and want to see them do well. (Not that I'm blowing my own trumpet about how fabulous I am, more that if I was gone, they'd have to re-establish a relationship with someone else, and it would make it harder for them to concentrate with someone new who doesn't know them. Not sure the best way to word it, but I hope whoever's reading knows what I mean. Do you??)

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In other news, I received an email today from a friend I met in Peru, Eric.

But, yes!, I definitely think you would make a superb teacher, are you kidding! First of all, your enthusiasm is contagious, and studies show that the number one characteristic of an effective teacher is enthusiasm. Plus I don't know what age group you have thought about teaching, but I have seen you around kids and I believe children naturally take to you.

I don't know so much about how it is in Europe at this point in time but in American culture there is so much stress placed on what you do for a living that I think people begin to lose a sense of identity outside of their occupation. I think life is about much more that what you do to pay the bills and sometimes I think Americans let their lives pass them by as they try and measure their success in life based on material wealth, rather than on happiness and contentment. I sometimes think about finding a job that allows me to focus more on having fun!

So he's saying that I'm good around kids, and I guess I am enthusiastic, so I don't know if it's just that I'm a bit worried about silly things that's putting me off or not.
As for the second quotation, well, teaching would allow me to travel to far flung destinations in the longer holidays, but another job would allow me to have more of an active, and happy social life through the entire year. So I think what I have to do is decide where my preferences lie on that score. Even if I leave the idea of teaching alone for a short while, and come back to it another time, when I'm more settled somewhere, and have a good social calendar going on. (ie, a boyfriend, I'm not going to lie, I do want one of those elusive things, though living here and never getting out anywhere is not getting me one, the two jobs makes it incredibly difficult for any social activities and in both of them, the eligible bachelors are few and far between. (One, a school, has a high proportion of female teachers, it being an all-girls school. The other, has 8 staff in total, 5 girls (inc. me) one manager who's about 50, one 19 year old, who got me the job (if you don't remember, that's my brother) and one other boy.

I guess what you could say is I don't see sparks flying anywhere except in the fireworks in the distance tonight, as it's halloween... (And yes, I have mentioned that I'm not out, because I have no friends here! Pants and bum fluff. Sucks.)

Mum seems to think that my desire for a better social life should logically follow that I should apply for PGCE courses across the water (fyi, "the water" is the Irish sea, "The pond" is the atlantic ocean.) so I can move out of home and live in a city where it will be easier to find friends.

When I was chatting to Kathryn the other night, I mentioned that "I don't want to make new friends, I like the ones I have."

My sister and I were chatting as we went to the cinema to see Burke & Hare tonight (brilliant, btw) and I said that even though teachers' holidays are amazing, there is no flexibilty, if you want to book a last minute break, or a snow break, it's set times, you have to go when the school holidays are, end even if they are fabulous and long compared to other professions, a percentage of that has to be spent researching and prepping, especially in the between term time holidays. So you really only get a satisfactory break over July/August, and then, any of the far flung destinations that I might be interested in don't have "great" weather, if I'm after a bit of heat.... But without the brits abroad. Though they're kind of like maggots, everywhere.

So basically, I'm maybe possibly, but not very sure at all, that I'm applying to teaching, and I'm thinking that I could maybe move over to Edinburgh for a bit of a good social life for a couple of years, work in an office, or maybe get some other seasonal work again, mum and dad just coming back off their royal caribbean cruise and all their talk of I should apply to do that (well, dad's and Nuala's!) is another option.

I have so many choices, and I haven't a clue!

And it's 25 past eleven, and I have to get up at 7am. I think I should close the computer. Goodnight!

Magazines are really quite good sometimes, I mean, there is a lot of nonsense, and a lot of advertisements in them. (I tried CK beauty and now own it as a result of an ad in a mag, that had a patch in it.)

Glamour, November 2010 was a great issue.
The anti-bucket list.
"How we got our jobs at Glamour!"
The curse of too much choice.
"Does my self-esteem look small in this?"

1. Things I don't want to do, rather than things I do. Well, I liked it because it pointed out to me, and reminded me that not everyone ever wants to do some of the things that I do, or have done! Like bungy jump, or want to learn another language, or tie tongues with a celebrity. (I'm sure you can guess which one of those is on my anti-list.

2. Made me see that these people have changed their minds too, and now have jobs that they love. Though they didn't always. There's the wannabe gyno at 14, who studied philosophy and theology (at oxford, no less!) to find the meaning of life, didn't find it, and decided that anything after university was easy, with that workload. There's the girl who has been broke forever, but whose friends used to offer to buy her drinks. Now she doesn't see that issue, they might have more money, but she's happier in her job, and advises people to go for the happy equations!

3. Well, this one, this one just completely described me!! It began with a story of a friend who called off a wedding and went to Japan for a year, thinking what if he's not the love of my life. It describes those hovering between college and commitment, where "even crappy daily life comes with running water." ie... no matter the consequences of our decisions, at least we know we'll be ok even if everything does fail!

While the choister predicament affects most aspects of our lives and lifestyles. its impact is most apparent when it comes to our relationships. "Choisters have been raised to think that the world is our oyster," McGibbon tells me. "We feel compelled to vet all of our options in an effort to get everything just right. Date a lot of people, explore the sexual landscape, live by yourself - we have a list of 'life experiences' we want to tick off before we can possibly make an informed choice."

...

For the first time in millennia, we are moving towards being as economically, socially and sexually powerful as men. ... "I think it's liberating that we can pretty much do what we want."

It later goes in to say that we love choices, but hate choosing. Says that Japan girl is now thinking what if he was, and that we need to recognise that nothing is going to be perfect, so we should realise that we sometimes need to say yes.

Currently, I'm confused about whether to apply to work on a cruise ship, study geography, move to Canada, or start a PGCE, and a huge part of that confusion is based on the hope that I might just meet, or miss out on meeting, my "soulmate" depending on my choice.

Of course, as the article points out, I am not limiting my choice by choosing to not "move back to Edinburgh". nor am I limiting them if I choose to "not travel" I am only changing them, so I should look at the possible consequences of both options (or what the main options are, in essence) and decide which is more what I might like to work towards.

4. Talks about how little comments made by people in your childhood can define how you see yourself years later. Ok, so this one's not exactly new, but it's nice to read and re-evaluate... I never tried to join the school choir when I was younger, because I had a cold the day I auditioned in primary 4 (primary=first school, 4th year.) and didn't get through. I know I'm not the best singer in the world, but my confidence in my voice is awful, and I'm musical enough, so if I'd had the practise in later years, I might not be as bad! It lists self-esteem boosters, Calling a friend, like I did on Monday, Kathryn, caught up, was nice, I'd been meaning to do it, but kept forgetting! List your fabulousness in qualities. Do something you're good at. Exercise... And relax. That one made me realise that the exercise I do in school (at work) is not satisfactory exercise for me. I need something much more high-impact, cardio type work. I'm glad I had another remind to look out a dance class for the new year.

Anyway, after reading those various articles, they really made me stop to think about what I want out of life. Think about where I might want to end up, and how to take the steps to get there. It reminded me that for anything, you need focus, something which I lack severely.

So. Here is a list. The list. Of things that I would like to possibly attempt to achieve if I can possibly maybe.
1. Figure out what I want in my list.

Choices aren't your enemy. Choosing doesn't limit choices, it just changes them. So feel free to pick that city, that career, that partner, knowing that even commitment brings a whole new set of options, like houses or children, to be excited about.

I don't want to make a list now for the rest of my life, not of must-dos. Must-nots is a better list I think. Though I can't think of anything to put on that one at the minute, things I'd never want to do. Maybe drugs, I could put that one on it.

The list I could make would be a list of choices for jobs to apply to here and now. Or avenues I could maybe work towards. I think I should maybe think a little more, and make a decision in the next few weeks as to what way I should lean. Though I think I might as well say that it is safe to say that teaching isn't really something I want, but I'm not sure if that's just because I don't want to have to fill in the application form saying how much I want to teach and not having the confidence in myself to get through the application stage, whether it's bigging up the things I have to make up for the fact that I don't have a good enough degree for them, or if it's just laziness. I want to do the application just to try, to see if i get through, and if not, then it wasn't meant to be this time, and if I do change my mind in years to come, I can try again. That may be my stubborn side coming through.

One redeeming quality I have though, is that once I make a decision, I stick to it. Even if I have regrets, I still stick to the decision. Sometimes that's not a good thing, but I'm happy with where I am now in life, and the options of where I'm going, so I think it's mostly done me ok!

Just popping in here
Have you thought about the GTP? Doing that in the school you're in rather than paying for a PGCE? Have you considered doing a PGCE with Geography? I'm pretty sure they exist.

I am hoping to do a PGCE when I graduate (ugh, ages away!) as I've heard that schools abroad accept those ( my boyfriend is American, and we eventually want to go and live out there together), so after your PGCE I reckon Canada would be a pretty good choice? You could even do an OU course in Geographyas you can study overseas.

I'm very much like you in the sense that I'm too indecisive and want to do everything all at once. I remember you helping me out a lot in my diary and giving advice on my degree (just to let you know, I'm back at home doing a degree in Early Years and sooooo much happier), so thought I'd return the favour.
I don't have a group of friends where I live either, but everything changes doesn't it? And it all comes back around eventually. You'll do fine.

Hey Lemony!!! Long time no speak!

I've decided to apply for the PGCE, and hope that I get it, and see what comes of it if I do. I like the idea of being a teacher, and opportunities for travel that opens me up to. I mean, we can't all travel all year round, can we?? Lets be realistic.

I'm planning on the PGCE for geography, hopefully I'll be able to get into that, if I can! I had been planning on Liverpool & Edinburgh, but I'm not sure I want to go anywhere other than Scotland, so I don't know! I don't know the quality of the courses in Scotland, and I do like Liverpool, even though I've only been there once, in not very nice circumstances.

Thanks for the advice.

Of course, as the article points out, I am not limiting my choice by choosing to not "move back to Edinburgh". nor am I limiting them if I choose to "not travel" I am only changing them, so I should look at the possible consequences of both options (or what the main options are, in essence) and decide which is more what I might like to work towards.

You know, I just re-read that last post, and that point I made, I like. I also like the point about the only thing that I want to put on my must-not list is drugs. I like that. I mean, it's scary knowing that there's so many options and I will never get to choose all of them and find out what the consequences of all of them will be, but whatever I choose, I'll get to see what happens next on that option, and above all, my life is my journey, and no one else's, and while it might not be as fabulous as some peoples' it's all mine, and there are fabulous parts in it that I have all for myself, that I don't have to share with anyone!

interlude: www.youtube.com . . .

So I'm almost done with the application. I have one tweak to make on the personal statement. The statement that took 4 weeks to write more than 20 characters, in the space of three hours became 7650, with a limit of 4000, then came the challenge of writing what I wanted succinctly.

My every other aspect is filled in. Except for my GCSE results. I need to know the examining body. I don't know that. I should be able to find it out, yet I don't have my certificates. Why??? I threw them out! I didn't realise I'd need them now... I never thought, when I was disposing of them, that I'd ever need to list them again, I mean, I have a degree, and I wasn't planning on doing this.

I like that the plan changes though.

I'm going to get mum to find out, hopefully from the school records tomorrow. If she can't, I'm going to have to go round all the different subject teachers, in the hope that they remember, or know that it's the same as it was 8 years ago!

____

I'm going to Edinburgh for new years! Woohoo!! It's costing a lot, but then, the airlines all hike their prices for those dates, because they know how popular it is to spend New Year at the Edinburgh Hogmanay street party.

We shall see if I manage to get dance classes in the New Year also. As I plan a trip to London, Skiing, Germany, and the USA all before next autumn!

I really can't afford all that, but we'll see what will be prioritised! I'm guessing the long haul... Not sure.

If only I could win the lottery...

I finally got my application finished. I got the GCSE boards filled in, then I checked that section complete. Then the check form section was unfrozen, so I checked that, and marked it as complete. Cue confusion when I couldn't click pay/send. Check through recently asked questions, and find out that I have to click into references again, and request a reference, so I did that, and went to school etc. The following day (Tuesday last week) I got home, checked my emails, and hadn't had a confirmation that my academic advisor was going to give me a reference (even though I had asked him a few weeks previous, so knew he should have fairly quickly, just to confirm, then complete the reference later.) so I checked the university website... University was closed due to the snow. Buses weren't running because there was "so much" snow!

So I had to phone the helpline, found out that I could change the order of my referees, then re-request a reference. So I had to change it for the school principal to give me a reference, then leave to go to work, and get my mum to phone her, so she could be prepared for the morning!

She couldn't do a lot until she got to school because she can't access her emails from home (confidential information and all that!) and I had to grovel to her on Wednesday morning.... She got it sorted by breaktime, and I sent the application off shortly after.

So, I'm on course so far to become a teacher, we'll see how this pans out! If the application is successful or not!

The rest of my week was fairly uneventful, I was working, and working, and I went shopping with my sister after work on Saturday, but we didn't get a lot. Then I went to my uncle's 60th birthday on Saturday night, it was really good craic! We played poker, I forgot all my change, so my aunt let me share her pot, and then collect the winnings! Brilliant!

Today was an ok day, we've got a lot of tests on in school this week, so I had a fairly empty timetable today, and tomorrow was going to be fairly similar, but it started to snow today at 2pm, and no one was prepared for it, and we had to close an hour later, because the roads were covered, and so few buy snow tyres here, including my own family, because the chances of them actually being needed are so slim, though we should really wake up and remember that last winter (and apparently the one before, though I was in France, where we had a bumper winter, but I don't know how extreme it was here) was quite bad too, and we should maybe think about investing. Even in chains wouldn't be a bad idea.

So basically, I'm waiting to find out what's going to happen with the application. I'm off school tomorrow, so I'm either going to clean and tidy my bedroom properly, some personal grooming, or online shopping for Christmas presents, we'll see!

You know what's funny??? What I realised tonight in work...

I've always had a vague "plan" you know, in primary 5 (of 7), I decided the secondary school I wanted to go to. In year 11 (of 14), I decided Scotland for university. While there, I decided, at some point, I wanted to work a ski season in France, when I lived at home last year, I decided to go travelling and volunteering, I did some research, and I did that.

This plan to teach, hasn't been a plan for as long as others. How interesting, we'll see how well it goes!

That's funny, because I've had it in my head to teach since I was 10 or 11... Actually I think it's not how long you've had it in your head but how right it feels. But of course I'm a big "feeling" person.

Anyway, it's great that you're getting in and doing things!

Feeling vaguely unhappy lately. I think I always get this way around Christmas. I'm never happy with the way my family feel like they have to spend money on rubbish gifts every year, rather than saving and giving each other the things we really want. I do love getting gifts, and giving gifts, but when it's such an effort to buy something that you're not even sure if people will like or not, I think it's torture! Yet I still feel obliged, and that makes me unhappy.

I have a huge to do list that I can barely remember, but really must get round to completing, a few of the things on it are really quite urgent, but I seem to always find myself getting bogged down in the everyday and never actually doing anything. At All.

I've heard back from the university of Edinburgh about my PGCE, but I haven't logged in yet, to view the status of my application. I think I should. Now.

Ok, so that took a while, I forgot my password. I didn't get it.

I've been nervous about my application. I applied to two primary and two secondary. (The limit is two primary) and for the secondary, you have to star the modules that apply to your chosen subject. I deleted all the stars because there was something wrong with them (The automated form told me they were wrong, so I assumed that the weighting of how much they contributed to my degree was too small, so I left all blank.) I later realised it was the use of "&" not "and" but it was too late to go back. I was never hopeful of getting the primary positions, because I don't have a national curriculum degree, nor experience in the primary sector.

I think I've shot myself in the foot applying to the universities I did, in the way I did:
Uni of Edinburgh: primary
Uni of Glasgow: primary
Uni of Edinburgh: secondary (geography)
Uni of Glasgow: secondary (geography)

I'm thinking that if I don't get in to either primary courses, how are the same applicant processors (if that's the correct term) going to offer me a place on the secondary courses?

I'm still unsure if I want to be a teacher. If this doesn't work out, I may re-think my travel plans completely. I had planned on trying to do a dance course for a week in new york with a friend of mine, and then some independent travel afterwards. I may still do that, or I might ignore the dance course, but apply for a summer camp, or not go at all, and take a year in a country as a working holiday, get a bit of perspective, try out something completely different, or just hide from reality for another while.

I thought about going with projects abroad again, or another place, working in another animal sanctuary, somewhere that I could stay for a while, really conquer the bird phobia. Once and for all.

Dad's talking about getting chickens.

Eoin keeps teasing me about how I'll never move out.

I'm not sure if maybe I'll just travel for a bit in the summer, then apply for travel agent type jobs across the water, and work in an office. I know I could do teaching, but maybe no one else thinks that, maybe I'm better selling holidays to daft escapists like me.

I'm scared that Eoin's right, but I don't even want to end up in Northern Ireland. I know that if I don't get onto a pgce course this year, I'll have to do some serious thinking, and come up with a plan that will involve spending money, but not enough that I'll ever have to move back. I can't do that again, go away, with a thought that when I get back I'll just land a job. I know I won't, but I won't be persuaded again. I can't live here any more, out of their pockets anymore.

Maybe Eoin's just ensuring that I don't, in the only way he knows will work. Maybe it's just what I need, and he doesn't believe it, or he would, if he wasn't saying it aloud. I mean, he manages just fine, living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Admittedly he scrapes by, and I've never been used to that. I think I should get used to it though. I need to.

Right now, it's time to face reality, it's almost 3am, and I'm working at 10am...

Spoiler: Show

I'm really sorry about the PGCE result, Emma. I was pulling for you (and will continue to do so with regards to the other applications)!

It's hard feeling so uncertain about one's future. I'm in the thick of it right now, as I think you know--at least we're not alone, I guess. Would you consider working somewhere for a year and re-applying to PGCE courses again? Perhaps an English-teaching job would be something you'd enjoy. (If you're interested in South Korea, I've a friend who's finishing up her second year of teaching English in Seoul, and I'd be more than happy to ask her for her agency's name or any tips she might have. I also have a cousin who taught in China for a year and can ask him for help.)

The travel agency thing seems like something you might enjoy at least for a year as you figure out what you want to do. Maybe you'd enjoy working at an airport? (I'm actually considering that for myself if I don't end up at university next year.)

Try not to let the teasing get to you. Easier said than done, though. It's getting more and more difficult for me to ignore the fact that my peers seem to be living such adult lives, with jobs and houses/flats and and salaries and significant others... and here I am, up to my ears in student loan debt, living in student housing and my childhood bedroom, with no solid career path. Let me end this on an optimistic note, though, and say that something will work out for us!

In my (admittedly limited) experience, I've found that any disappointment like that tends to mean that something better for me - not necessarily what I wanted, but healthier, or surprisingly more enjoyable, or whatever - is on its way. Cliched, perhaps, but true.

If you're having second thoughts, it's probably for the best that this has been delayed. I only hope that your mind sorts itself out soon... nothing worse than being in limbo. Conquering the bird phobia sounds like a good idea, though!

And Dad makes those half-jokes/half-hints about me never moving out, so you're not alone. We'll get there, when we're ready, and then they'll miss us!

Thanks for the replies girls...

You know, I think it will open doors for more thought out travel that will help me to really find a path in life! Or a job that I never expected....

Who knows??? I'm not too cut up by it though, it was first choice, we'll see what comes of #3, 4 & 5!

What about trying something like Camp America? Would include you wanting to travel and more experience working with kids if thats a possible route?

x

I've thought about that too... I'm not ruling anything out at this stage!!!

I wrote these disjointed thoughts in bed the other night when my internet wasn't reaching as far as my bedroom. (Really need to persuade the parents to (I want to say renege, but I've no idea how to spell it) drop the contract with our current net providers and go with sky. Though I really should research properly, if fibre optic is coming our way soon enough for us to benefit fairly cheaply.

Spoiler: Show


Ok, tonight after work, I was filling in my holidays that I have coming up over the next few months in school, and have realised that my diary is fatter in the after I have finished school this year than in the before. That's an encouraging thought, despite the fact that there's actually more than last year, there's more year left this year than school, which is alright!!! There's a lot of opportunity in the year!!!

I have decided that, this year, I will re-start dancing again, am hoping to phone them tomorrow, to find out if I can start on Monday! (Woo for Monday classes!!!) Though I need to know the time the class is on. I plan to phone tomorrow when I am waiting for mum as she is in her appointment.

I have also decided that, depending on how much money I manage to receive this year, I may possibly look into laser hair removal(!) Though, like I said, depending on the money incomings.

I have realised that if I ever want to move out, and (like I mentioned before to Caz, but I'm not sure if I mentioned it here) since Eoin has been teasing me about never moving out, being around to choose the nursing homes, killing the parents off so I get the house... that sort of thing. Harmless jesting.

Though it wasn't harmless, but it didn't really hurt, it just has kick started my brain into realising that I can't expect to travel the world and come back without properly planning. No wonder I failed when I tried to move back to Edinburgh. I have no one to blame but myself, I was hypnotised by the travel agent's suggestions on where to go, how much she wanted to (I'm very much a "want to make others jealous with my exotic travel" type, yet never feel like I've been anywhere!) and how I would lose the airpass flight if I didn't book "quickly".

Yet I should never really have taken the airpass flight, I should have realised it would take away the flexibility of my travel, and it was only only commission that motivated the sale of the flight.

Anyway, that actually has gone of on a little of a tangent, not far, it's still relevant, but a little flyaway.

So. I am loving the idea to travel for the experiences I'll gain, really plan things, but possibly travel in a similar way that Caroline did, where I live and work somewhere for a year, probably spend more than I earn, but hopefully not too much more. So I can travel, but connect, I can go, and when I return, it will be planned enough that it won't be necessary to return to the family home. I'm waiting to just see, find out what the best course of action is...

I'm sorry for the disjointed post in the spoiler, I just needed to get it all out without forgetting anything!

It was the change that I was worried about forgetting, the feeling that I am ok with the change, but that I noticed the changes subtly over the time of my trip.

I looking forward to seeing what happens next. I'd love to be able to move back to be closer to my friends, because we are still very close, but if it's never going to be feasible, it's never going to be feasible, but you know what?? No matter where I settle, I'll be able to find and make new friends, and I'll still always always have the old ones, that will always be close to my heart because I'm always (hopefully) going to be able to go back to them, and I am always going to make the effort to keep in touch. Though I understand that they all have their own lives too, and every time I go back, there's always one or two that I don't get to see, or catch up properly with, because they can't just drop everything, I would say not in the way they used to, but we never used to. We had time for each other because we had time, lots of it, to spend how we chose. We had shared flats, which were never too grubby, we had assignments, which were never too late, we had classes, which were never too many (or frequented!).

And that, ladies and gents, is the reason why I'm very very happy to wait and see what happens next. I have no idea what will happen, but I think it might all work out.

I'm reminded of two quotes I've always tried to live by. Possibly somewhat contradicting, but I've found a balance (sort of) that works ok for me.

The first is:

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
(I don't know who said it, and it's rather late to google, but it's very very fitting to my mindset currently.)
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion, we must set ourselves on fire.
(Fred Sero, and I like to think that it means that I need to grab the opportunities when they come, don't sit on my laurels, but I shouldn't go chasing impossible dreams.)

Now though, it is time to peruse other areas of the internet, or other peoples' ramblings & epiphanies.

Emma wrote:

I have decided that, this year, I will re-start dancing again, am hoping to phone them tomorrow, to find out if I can start on Monday! (Woo for Monday classes!!!) Though I need to know the time the class is on. I plan to phone tomorrow when I am waiting for mum as she is in her appointment.

I start on the 17th. £63, for ten weeks of 90 minute classes. No concession.

I feel like I'm dreaming, or stealing something from under their noses. Lets see how good the classes are though!

Wooooooopwoohooooooo!!!!

Going back to dancing was both good and bad for me - good for my body, but my self-esteem took a bit of a beating! Definitely worth it, though... hope I can keep dancing this year, otherwise I'm going to start falling apart again.

So I've been thinking about trying to study for a teaching postgrad in another country.

I also think that I've applied for primary rather than just secondary geography because I hate being old.

Like I said in a reply to another thread, I'm a reluctant adult.

In school, I'm old, even though I'm not, just because I'm not a student there, I'm staff.

I wanted to be a primary teacher, because when I was 18, to them, I was old. So I could never really feel old.

Get over it Emma.

I think I'd rather teach in a secondary institution, I have much more to give. Especially for Geography.

Yesterday, I went to work. The day started off good. I then got my period. Bugger I thought... First day of period and I'm starting dancing tonight! Then I got a voicemail... dance was cancelled!! Then..... I drove to Sally's (hairdressing shop) and found out that I had to pay £18, not £8 like I thought to replace my hairdryer, because the warranty that I paid £10 for didn't work for my hairdryer, and instead of making it free, it cost me an extra £10. This was the warranty that was sold to me as "free with £25 dryer" not "£10 with £15 dryer". What a horrible woman, selling that like that. To piss who off? Just a customer, costing me £20!!! Yes, she was out of a job, but that does not mean she should take it out on a random stranger that walks into her shop to get something that she actually needed! (I bought in Aug, in closing down shop, and it was broke, so I was replacing in good shop)

I went round to my sister's house last night. Consolation prize for pants day.

She watched "one born every minute"

I watched "Glee"

Then together, we watched "SATC2"

Well, that film is just crap. You know what it made me realise???

#1 Carrie and Big's life is boring. It's just plain boring.
You want to know why?? Because she doesn't cook! Because she wears impossible clothes around the house. Because there's nothing more!
Then it wasn't boring at the end. It was nice, they weren't existing, they were married.

#2 Samantha is a sad, desperate, old woman. She's living in the past. She wants to be 20 forever.
Thing is, I think I do too, but I'm getting over that. I want to be able to dance forever, but I don't want to be young forever. I want to settle.

I realised that while i love living for the moment, and I love travel, I want to dance!!! However, I don't want to dance when I go to clubs with the 18 year olds I meet on "gap yahs" when I travel. I want to dance to stay fit, to keep my muscles and my bones strong and healthy. It was so annoying that my class was cancelled. I'm not sure how many more people needed to sign up, I didn't ask. I decided I didn't want to know.

#3 They are impossibly rich, but living in a dream world.

I'm looking for a life, but one which is fulfilled in every way I want to!
Travel's great, but I need friends. I don't need to have lots of money and a really great place. I need to be happy, and have enough money to travel sometimes, but go home. To where I make my home.

#4 Home is where you make it. Carrie's home was with Big, Samantha's home was... hmmmm, well, she was happy, if desperate at times, Miranda & Charlotte's homes were with their families.

I dunno, I realised while watching it, that I can't do everything, and I need to chose when to do the things I want, and which bits that eliminates. Otherwise I'll miss out on some things, because I'll spend too much time on the others.

The phrase "life's too short" despite what the comedians saying about it... is so true! There are too many options! I'm not very good at making choices!

I really must download that hoosiers song "Choices" It's a great song.