Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: Lets see what happens next...
By mandakp
On Tue Dec 20, 2011 08:23 PM
I'm glad your job is working out for you now!

Merry Christmas!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Dec 27, 2011 04:41 PM
Home was lovely for Christmas. Now to unpack.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 01, 2012 07:33 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2012-01-01 19:51:28 added link to later post.
I'm being selfish tonight, and replying, but not reading others' diaries.... It's 01:43. Not that late, considering I worked until 5.35 last night.

I didn't update about Christmas because sometimes we don't really need to share everything. It was fairly normal. I got back, I worked the next day, up until yesterday. I was off today.

Last night: Hogmanay. Busy shift, I wound up in the cloakroom over the bells. I wasn't really too annoyed except I had an incredibly rude customer who ranted at me about missing the bells (she thought she was going to but she didn't) and the expense of everything that night.

What bothers me is that the events team make promises that there is no way we can keep. It also bothers me that the building is not set up in a user-friendly way. Though that's more because it's a listed building, it is annoying that there are huge toilets and a teeny tiny cloakroom that can't handle the number of coats that will be left if the building is even half-way close to capacity.

Anyway, that's not actually what I came here to say.

Last night, hogmanay, I was working, and I had a glass of fizz (prosecco) after the bells because it was brought down to me after I ranted about the rude woman and being alone. They say that the way you ring in the bells is how you'll spend the new year, and I spent it alone, picking up other peoples' shit. Well, that's not true, I'm going to make sure that's not true. Or if it is true, I'm going to make sure I'm not annoyed about it. . . .

I didn't think I'd made any new years resolutions, but I have made one, I need to make more time for family and friends. After Liam's death, I know that nothing is more important than people. Spending time with people.

Anyway, that's not what I came here to talk about either. Well, it is people, but not that.

So last night I had my prosecco, and nothing else until 5.35 after I finished. I had a rum & coke, then a cider and blackcurrant, and another, and another. In between those, one of the managers brought out shots because it was one of the bar supervisors last shift. So I had a shot of sambuca with everyone else. Except one of the bouncers, who doesn't take it, so I took his too, because I love sambuca (I could sip it over ice.)

I was wrote.

Very vey drunk. I think because I was so tired and I hadn't eaten a lot, and we went to McDonalds afterwards, and I think I might have bought ice cream, but I don't really remember. I remember going into McDonalds, but not anything in it, and I remember leaving and getting a taxi home, and when me and chinese bargirl got out, we staggered down the road home. I don't remember any of that. It scares me how I don't remember it.

I didn't set an alarm, and I woke with my neighbours and their family/friends/whatever I don't know, came up the stairs laughing and chatting at 15:50. I text Caz, and the result of that was that I was going out for eats with her and a few others.

So off I headed for 5.30, and met up with them, we walked around a bit trying to find somewhere open, because everywhere that we decided was closed (!) until we went to a place called Mums, that does proper comfort food and amazing milkshakes. I had two sausages, mash, and gravy. I was stuffed.

Then, as planned, I headed out to meet people from work for that bar supervisor's leaving night drinks. Lots of people from work were out.

I was chatting to chinese bargirl and she informed me that last night I told her a piece of information about a very inappropriate crush I have on one of the managers who has a girlfriend. Yeah. Well done Emma.

That's why I'm here....

Last night, I was very drunk, and I remember in the taxi home being sat in the middle and leaning on one of the barmen who is physically attractive, but 19. (I'm 25). By leaning, I'm not really sure what I mean, because I'm not really sure what I did. I was close to him anyway, and I wouldn't have done that much, but there you go. I get drunk, then I think it's a really good idea to come onto any guy who's close because I'm drunk and horny and I think I need validation. Though I didn't throw myself at him, so I really am improving, probably because I've been talking to myself so much sober about what a bad idea it is to go near co-workers while drunk (or sober for that matter) and telling myself that I am actually not interested in anyone, they have to show an interest in me. I'm trying to work on the whole "be myself" thing, and on not being a desperate flinging myself at anyone who zips at the crotch. I think it's going well.

Tonight, I was out, and I was drinking, but after having the huge meal at mums, then getting to the pub to meet everyone and deciding I really wanted dessert, so having a knickerbocker glory (minus cherries, disappointed!) I didn't really get that drunk. I had a couple of drinks in that pub, and a water, and in the next pub I had 4, plus a jagerbomb... I was much less drunk!

Moral of that story: eat more, pace yourself when you're drinking, don't try to keep up with everyone else so you can get your refill, because you don't need a refill!

Anyway, with the not being so drunk, it meant I could actually handle myself with decorum, which was nice. I think there's a barman who might be interested in me. He might not, but I'm not sure. He found out tonight that I'm two years older than him, which is interesting, but anyway. He was feeling up my knee, and my neck, (explaining injuries... LOL!) and his pupils were veeeery dilated. He's lovely, but he was very drunk, and I'm glad that if he is interested, and if I am, for I'm currently unsure of the situation, there was nothing happened tonight. I hate people talking about me, and I know they won't have been tonight.

With the guy that I think I may have been stroking his leg in the taxi last night, he was normal with me, so we can ignore that one, I don't think it was anything major. Phew.

Then there's the manager I have the inappropriate crush on. Thing is, I would never go there, because he's a smoker, but anyway. I think I need to know that he actually likes me. As a person, nothing more. Anyway, he bought me a shot of jagerbomb, and a drink, mostly because the bar was going so slowly and he was being impatient, but still, it was nice.

I think sometimes I have very little faith in my ability as a waitress there because of the set-up of the place and I seem to always cock up. Though I got validation from a few people tonight.

My favourite supervisor was very nice to me about the way I work, so that was nice. Her boyfriend told me I was shit-hot floor staff, and I told him I didn't think he was going to finish that with hot, but stop before the hyphen... And that manager bought me a drink, so he must not be too pissed off at the work that I do. Maybe.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I know I can do a good job, but because I feel like I've been doing a pants job, it makes me doubt myself.

I think it's because they focus on the negative in there. So I'm going to focus on the positive, and remind everyone constantly to do the same. I'm going to do dead good. And get a promotion. I want to work there long enough to get a promotion. It doesn't have to be that long, I just want to be promoted because I want to be. Ok?? Ok.

Nothing is "going down." Urgh, that phrase, bane of my life. They say it constantly. It shouldn't affect me, but it does, so I'm going to work on fixing that. Taking it out of peoples' phraseology. Slowly but surely. We need to be more positive and work as a team. None of this divide between staff. Everyone works together. That's how places work effectively. Lead by example and all the rest of it.

I'm feeling very positive about my life at the moment. And hopefully about this year. I think it will toddle along nicely. I may have broken a mirror on the last day of 2011, but that won't carry into the new year, and anyway, it wasn't really a real mirror. So I'm letting it go and forgetting about it. I don't think I'll find love this year, I don't think I'll find a new job this year, I think I'll just work away, and exist, and go home a few times to visit people, and spend time with my friends. I'm pretty happy with that. I will be very content if that is my year.

Right now though, I'm going to go to bed, because I'm working at 12am, and I'm expecting my get-up tomorrow to be very difficult after getting up so late today. (With good reason, I probably had just over 8 hours sleep, so I can't feel guilty about sleeping late because I didn't really, but it will make it difficult tomorrow.)

I'm very much looking forward to a quiet January with the hours cut at work. Time off!!!!! Release!!!

I want to go to some snowy mountains. And I want to visit my brother in Liverpool. And I am looking forward to planning those things.

Whatever happens next, I think it will be good...

re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 02, 2012 04:20 AM
That's someone who didn't think she was drunk replying up there. Well, I wasn't really... Just not sober anyway!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 02, 2012 06:10 PM
Well here's a turn up for the books! Manager I have inappropriate crush on?! Didn't turn up for work today. Everyone was panicking, because it's so not like him to do anything like that. (Not answer phone, not tell anyone where he's gone, not turn up, yada yada.) Turns out, he was asleep down the side of his bed, which is why when another manager who was staying with him for over New Years woke and got ready for work, thought he had left already. Had a horrible shift... Another waitress didn't turn up either.

I'm thinking that this might hit that on the head, which would be rather nice. I'm thinking that what he did is kind of the opposite of the reasons that I think must contribute to the inappropriate crush.

Again, doing the selfish thing, not reading others' diaries tonight, I need to sleep, I'm up again for another split shift tomorrow, hopefully I get my three hour break and it doesn't turn into another 12 hour shift!!!

I need chocolate and wine.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 05, 2012 02:52 PM
Tonight... Tonight I had chocolate and wine. Just 4 squares of chocolate and one glass of wine mind you.

I have been wishing that my flatmate doesn't put the heating on so much. Also been kind of annoyed at her friend who's here this week is treating the place kind of like a hostel rather than as her friend's place. Though since she's just got a new job, and it's training week(s) it's understandable. I was just getting annoyed for no reason.

I spoke to her about how they accidentally left the heating on the other morning, and maybe think about putting a reminder on, because otherwise they might forget, so hopefully that will fix that. I've got over the friend's place/vs/hostel thing, because that's just the way the cookie crumbled in terms of her job. The only thing I now need to figure out is solving the mystery of what she does with all the kitchen roll.

Today I brought the bike to the repair shop. The suspension has completely seized up, but that's ok, plenty of bikes don't have it, it's not like I need it for the streets here! I sent that cheque home to mum that I need lodged, and I finally picked up my new shoes that were posted from ebay (not in perfect condition as stated, but there's not much I can do about that!) Also picked up a few groceries and some more loo roll, but not rubbish stuff, andrex.

Tomorrow I pick up my bike, and I think I'll go round to register with the doctor. Might bake as well, shall see if Caz texts me and what time I wake up/get organised etc.

Think I've just heard my Irish flatmate appear in. Possibly. Might get up to wee/refill my water.

Life's pretty good at the minute. Just toddling along.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 05, 2012 06:12 PM
I tried to edit my last post, I had no idea it was too old for me to edit. I was just reading all the other peoples' diaries here (finally) and am interested to note that lux's mentions that she hopes to eschew the superstition of how you spend your new year is how you will spend the rest of the year.

I think that starting the year on a negative note sets you up badly, I was happy to be working, just mostly in a ratty mood because of the godawful woman who ranted at me and was the last person I spoke to before the bells.

Though maybe that's the thing I can hold onto... How I will spend my new year, getting over nasty people and being able to move on and forget about them. We can't concentrate it into a moment, can we?!

If I am to honestly reflect back on the year that's been, I've had a good year. January started with me in Edinburgh, ringing in 2011 with my friend and her's. It was nice, but to be honest, the street party was a bit of a let down... (It was just wandering the street.)

February was uneventful I believe, and March we had a family trip to Athlone before Lucy ("the baby") was born. That was a lovely trip, and I heard some great stories from my brother about him going on a trip to Athlone with old classmates and vomiting in his shoe. It made me wish I made more time for my friends so I could regale my family with delightful stories like that one.

April was my birthday, but we didn't do anything spectacular, I went to Holland to meet with some of the friends I'd made in Peru, we celebrated queensday and just enjoyed ourselves doing touristy things! It was lovely.

Later in May, my niece, Lucy was born. It reminded me of when Nuala and Mervyn got engaged, and I was happy for them. I was home when I found out, I remember Nuala telling dad in her pink dressing gown. Then when I went back to my flat in Edinburgh it struck me that we wouldn't have those night-time conversations again while not really trying to sleep... Our relationship changed forever when she got engaged, when she got married, and then when she had Lucy. It's bittersweet news, and I know it's selfish of me to say that, but I don't mean it that way, I just mean that I love my sister and I love the way things have been for us, and to have to ring in a change when I'm happy with the status quo is hard... Then the change comes along, and she's wonderful, and I make my own changes and I'm glad that everyone's life is moving forward, because status quo is really another term for stagnation, isn't it?

In June I took my first sun holiday and came back and immediately returned to Spain to teach English, then spent all of July at summer camp but chose not to stay on for August and finished off with a short break in Barcelona before returning home. I think that was good that that happened, it meant that my younger brother could have plenty of hours at work, and when I got back, the boys could have the time off they needed and the boss wouldn't be struggling for staff. I think everything sort of has a way of working itself out.

Also in June/early July my cousin was diagnosed with sarcoidosis. As everyone was learning about it and how he could live with it, it attacked him pretty vigourously, and in August, he died. I made it to his funeral and caught up with some cousins, but we discussed how we don't see each other often enough at all.

In September it was a time for reflection. I have heard that September is the best month to make resolutions, and I believe this is true. I'm not sure why, but I do. I thought about how I need to make more of an effort to see my family, and more of an effort to see my friends. At Liam's funeral my aunt told me that I should seize life and travel wherever I wanted... I've done that, and now I'm ready to not be so "selfish" for want of a better word, and seek out the people already in my life, rather than seeking out new people. I decided that what I really wanted was to get back to Edinburgh (and not wait until I'd finished my laser hair removal, because really, what a pants reason is that?!?!) to find a job, any job, and be able to move on with my life, and see friends.

So, in October, I left. I spent a short while looking for work, then landed a job in a nice restaurant/bar/club/conference centre/wedding venue/whatever else it can do... and found myself a nice place to live. I didn't want to try to catch up with friends before sorting those two things out because I'd tried that before, and wound up not spending enough time sorting my life out, and having to leave again because my priorities were not to myself. The way I did it, my priorities still weren't towards myself, but it seemed as though they were, in order for me to be able to see friends. Weird, huh?

November was when I moved into my flat, and by December it had become incredibly busy at work, and I had no real time to see anyone at all. Then I rang in the new year at work, and finished off with a drink with new friends.

So this year, I'm not sure I'll get quite so much travelling in, but we shall see! I definitely plan to visit my two brothers, in both Liverpool and Dublin, and possibly go to Oktoberfest with the girls from Peru, but that one depends on all our funds, and has quite a large question mark hanging over it in my head at the moment. It may not even be on some of the girls' radars due to limited funds.

I plan on spending more time with old and new friends, I've made some new, but I need to make time for the old too... Don't let go of the people who made me happy when I was first here.

Socially I plan on having a full year, we shall see how it pans out.

In terms of work, I plan on toddling along in the restaurant, and applying for anything else I see that takes my fancy. As I read here on recently "opportunity only dances with those on the dance floor." I think that applies to many things.

Physically, I'm looking forward to throwing myself into dance classes if I can, though I doubt I can sign up to anything until I have a more firm idea of my likely availability through the year, there are plenty of dance classes I can take without that.

As for a love life, well I look at the men in my life, and I think of many that I could see myself with, if only x you know? I'm not actually, really, truly, interested in anyone at the moment. There's that old friend, but the more I think about it, the more I know he's not interested in me, and also, the eons of awkwardness of getting together that I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared to cope with. As for anyone from work, not only is that awkward etc., but I was thinking about it, and the only way that's likely to happen, currently, unless I get to know some of them better, is in drunken states, and that's no way to start anything, because it's not true. What I'm trying to say there is that it would be more a physical desire that would bond any of us than anything more real. I'm not sure when or if I'm ever going to find "a man", but I keep telling myself that it's not a point that I absolutely have to reach to be happy. That knowledge is making me happy. I'm quite happy just being with me right now, something that I haven't been since I left Edinburgh.

I do this thing where I go into hmv when I'm bored and I buy dvds at £3-£5, and I bought 500 days of summer a long time ago, but only got round to watching it last night. You know something? It's a concept for a film that I'd thought up a long time ago, but not quite in that way. In my version, no one winds up Spoiler: Show
married, or meeting a possible someone at the end of the film, the couple just go out for a while, break up, get over each other, then carry on happy, knowing that for them, it wasn't meant to be this time.
Anyway, the film as it was really left me content, because it was the usual lovey dovey, the characters in the film have wound up happy and here I still am alone and watching vom-com*. It was nice to be able to related to a character at the end of the film. It wasn't a happily-ever-after, like nothing ever is, but a let's see what happens next, who knows?! But isn't it exciting to carry on your own journey and find out? The unknown makes life interesting.

*For the record, I actually love romcoms, but sometimes I watch them and finish up even more depressed because I'm still sat alone with a tub of melting ben and jerry's and no bra on.

I'm very pleased I wrote that. It was nice to actually reflect and see that I really did have a good year, in terms of travel and seeing people, and in 2012, I plan on building on that, and I know that I can spend my year happy in the knowledge that I'm not alone through my own faults, just because the right person is somewhere along the road, I just haven't hit that junction yet.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 06, 2012 09:45 PM
I do believe I'm going to a party at one of my co-worker's places on Tuesday night... The week is turning out quite well! I'm off on Monday, so I'm able to go to dance class. I'm working 10-5pm on Tuesday, then party that night and off on Wednesday, so I don't need to worry about doing anything silly like sleeping through my whole shift. I do need to now get in touch with some old friends for another pub lunch/dinner session. I think I shall have a proper look at the rota tomorrow to figure that one out. It's less convenient than it used to be what with us all living further away now.

I'm going to have to remember to phone my brother tomorrow. And pick up my bike. And fix up my t shirt. I think that's all for the moment. Goodnight.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jan 07, 2012 05:54 PM
I wound up not working tonight, because it was so quiet in terms of bookings, I was supposed to work 5pm until 1am, so I'd be finishing in ten minutes if I was there. Though me being off wound up being a good thing, because I picked up my bike, and Caz came round and we cycled through town, I picked up another gilet (I've been looking for one that will go with my black jeans, because the one I have is brown) and then we went and bought some day-glo, so I can cycle safely etc.

My Irish flatmate arrived back today, I'm not sure what time. So I'll speak to her tomorrow. Not got round to fixing up my t shirt, but I think I'll have a productive day tomorrow. We shall see though, we shall see.

I need to get in touch with some of my peoples to have another catch up session next week... I need to make up for lost time!!

I find it interesting that when I have the most going on, I never post here, and it's only when I get the chance to analyse it that I do post here. I think the rare in-themiddle-between posts are the ones that are the most confused and really needing the most thought. Anyway.

I might cut my fringe tomorrow too.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 08, 2012 06:58 PM
What a compliment! I had someone tell me that the way I write is very interesting to read.

You know, I've travelled... a little, not a lot. I've lived... a little, not a lot. I've laughed... a lot along the way.

I've never thought of my life as unconventional, but I have been jealous of those who finish school, go to university, meet someone, graduate, marry, get a job, have babies, and those babies do it all again. I have: gone to school, gone to university, met lots of people, (but they weren't "someone",) graduated (with a degree that I don't rate,) haven't married, haven't found a stable job, and definitely haven't had babies.

You know what though? I need to realise that that's ok. Everyone has their own journey, and my journey so far has been great. I'm always really happy when I'm travelling, and I think that now's the time you should get up and book a flight to Ecuador, see the regenerated shanty-towns of Guayaquil, jump on a bus into the Amazon, fork out for the experience of galapagos... If that's what you want. (Those words really could be directed at anyone!) I'm currently not sure what I want.

Do I want to travel more?
Do I want to settle?

I was chatting to a co-worker the other night, about travel, and saying that I would definitely travel with her if she wanted to go... She listed a few asian countries that she would like to go to.

My best friend said goodbye to two of her closest friends on the 4th of January, one was off to New Zealand because that's where he found a graduate job (he's been before, so it's not that much of a stretch of the imagination for him, but still!) and the other was moving "home" to Hong Kong, so she wants to go to Hong Kong, and then on to various Asian countries.

I think if I could save enough, I might be able to go a month to some of those places. Anyway.

"Home". I once read a postsecret... "College made me lose the sense of what home is." (find it here: . . .)

I could relate to that then, and I'm sure my Chinese friend could relate to that years ago, since he moved to Scotland for school when he was 11, and he's now 23. He's lived here for more than half his life, Scotland is his home, yet with the jobs market here the way it is, and his family's position to offer him work in Hong Kong, he's going "home".

It makes me glad that the work my family offered me at home wasn't available for more than the year. I liked working in school, it gave me some great experiences, but it wasn't for me. I'm not sure what is, but that's not!

I love how random things can give you a reminder that everything's not lost. Other people counting up their demons reminding me that everything's not lost, that I'm not the only one. No one's out to get me, and I can stand up for what I want in life, and work towards it, or towards something that might be!

I think I'll get on better with my flatmates now that I'm around the flat a bit more. I hope to maybe fulfill that promise to myself, that I am going to look for temp work in offices, even if I do it just to get some more money together as savings for whatever.

That said, I need to spend more time with the friends I have already. My plans for this wee are as follows:
Monday, dance then Caz coming round for wine & cake; Tuesday work then going to a co-workers party; Wednesday/Thursday free (so I might see if I can fill those with someone else!); Friday work; Saturday evening work; Sunday night out with the girls from work for a surprise leaving party.

Tomorrow I plan to re-arrange the furniture in my room so I can use the mirror in my wardrobe better, and also hoovering. If I spend any time online, it should hopefully be to look for jobs. I need to be disciplined, if I want to dance, I need to be at least close to the dancefloor!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 09, 2012 05:13 PM
I'm going to be in a world of pain tomorrow!

So yesterday I said I was going to go to dance and then have wine & cake with Caz?? Today we find out that one of the guys we met in Peru is in Edinburgh! We knew he was coming, but didn't know when exactly, and since we both have other plans for tomorrow, and he leaves on Wednesday, we met up with him tonight (and another girl who kicked us out of a taxi in Peru because she was being so mean!) and had a great time chatting. He's trying to find a wife so he can move over here, so we were joking about that...

Also, I was walking to dance class and thinking about people who I need to meet up with, and thought about Katy, and how I haven't seen her since I got back, and was planning on texting her when I got to dancebase because I was running early. Who did I bump into, but Katy?!?! So we made plans to have pizza at mine on Wednesday evening.

When I was out tonight with Caz we were chatting about maybe going to Hong Kong, Vietnam, Cambodia & Thailand in June/July (one or other month, another whistle-stop tour) so I need to look at the price of flights, the likelihood of getting off work, and work out a budget so I don't come back broke, or figure out if it's even a possibility.

Anyway, that's all for tonight.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:06 PM
I also (also) like those long, MySpace-style surveys, so here I go. (Thaaanks Jonelle and cien!)
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Went on a sun holiday! Not a big achievement, but actually pretty big for me! I usually go further afield for long trips!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
I don't think resolutions are a good thing, I think you should constantly be trying to improve yourself and making new ones, and not just having the excuse of the new year to make them. That way if you slip up, it's not like "oh, I've broken it now, I'll make it again next year!" I said to someone that I plan on seeing more of my friends this year, but I've been trying to do that for a while, so it's not really a new years resolution, I just now have the time to, so it can sort of happen just at the start of the new year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister had her first baby! And a couple of friends from uni had babies, so I've been following their progress on facebook mostly. I'd like to see Sam again, I find it so weird that he's married and a dad, but there you go!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My cousin, but I've posted about that loads. It affected me so much because it made me confront my own mortality. Mostly in a good way.

5. What countries did you visit?
Scotland, and Northern Ireland, and also lived in both! :P Southern Ireland, Holland & Spain.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Material things: Maybe an iphone? A bedside lamp, a new flat, a dutch bicycle. Intangible things: Peace with myself and my decisions, but I'm working on that. A boyfriend (though I'd hope he'd be more than intangible, but I can't list that under material things!)

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
28th May, my niece's birthday. August, not the exact date of Liam's death, but the month in general. It was late August though, because mum was back at school.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not sure, maybe that I bit the bullet and moved back to Edinburgh and stuck to my word about the order in which I'd do things: #1 Job; #2 flathunt; #3 catch up with friends. Class!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Again, not sure, I think it's a weakness of mine that I can't recognise true failures from little bugger-ups.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
YES! I never get sick! But I lost my voice on the busiest day of the year in work. I think it should teach me to eat more healthily, no matter how busy I am!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Flights. Any year that I buy flights is a good year. Or my beautiful suitcase with butterflies on. Or my snowboots, not that we've had snow this year yet, but that's beside the point.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My cousin's. At her brother's funeral she spoke so well and so eloquently. I'm not sure I would have the grace to get up and not to cry saying the words that she did. I'm even tearing up now thinking about it!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
No one really.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel, food, clothes, travel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving back to Edinburgh.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Danza Kuduro.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, definitely.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, I think... Which is annoying!
c) richer or poorer? Definitely poorer, but that's ok, because the things I've spent money on have been worth it!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Made more time for my friends... Gone to visit my cousin in hospital instead of thinking I'd go see him at home when he got out.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I'm not sure, I had a fairly busy year, but there's nothing I really regret!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Future tense? No idea!

21. What was your favorite month of 2011?
June. No explanation for it, but it was June.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No I did not.

23. How many one-night stands?
Not a question I'm prepared to answer.

24. What was your favorite TV show?
Misfits probably.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a very strong word, I'd say that to hate someone, you must have loved them at some point in your life. I have used that word before to refer to one person, but I think I'm at peace with that now.

26. What was the best book you read?
I read too many to be able to say!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My friend played me fleetfoxes. I liked them. Also I accidentally downloaded some guy called Alex Goot singing Lady Gaga's edge of glory, it's a nice version of it!

28. What did you want and get?
A job in Edinburgh! (I'm a broken record, aren't I?)

29. What did you want and not get?
Something within the realms of possibility?? Well, I bought a lotto ticket and didn't win...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Just go with it. Funnier than expected! Loved it. And I saw it with my sister, it was nice.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25 (OMG a quarter of a century!) and I don't think I did anything spectacular.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I try not to think about things like that. What ifs are unhealthy. What if Liam hadn't died? Then my whole family wouldn't have got together for his funeral, we wouldn't have bonded in the way we did, we wouldn't have seen each other. I think what happened, happened, and if there's nothing I can do to change it, then why worry about it? I like to bring up my wouldabeendead theory... Any time I think of a what if, it's easy to apply it... What if x hadn't happened, then I would have left the building on that day earlier/later than I did. Therefore I would have been on the road at a different time, and a car would have hit me as I crossed, and I wouldabeendead. Of course, it's a selfish theory because it means that I'd rather Liam was dead than I, but I don't like to think of it like that. It's more an easy way to explain that I believe that the best outcome was the one that happened, and if you start thinking something else, you'll only annoy yourself. It's pessimistic optimism.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
I always wear what I find comfortable, and what I think looks good on me. I love bright things, and I wear fashionable clothes if I think they'll look good on me, but I'm not a slave to fashion. I'd much rather look like me than look like everyone else!

34. What kept you sane?
There was nothing to send me otherwise!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you have a crush on?
Dunno, I tend to find them attractive, but crushes imply that I think I have a chance, and I know I don't, so yeah. Not really thought about it.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
My political beliefs are confusing. I find them confusing. Part of me believes in capitalism, but then I like the ideas behind anarchy, and socialism, and communism. I think every political ideal has good ideas, but nothing works well in practice. In terms of the issues of 2011... The whole Arab uprising interested me, because it made me want to learn about how their countries are run at the moment, but it didn't make me want to do anything about it, because I don't think anything I could have done would have done anything about it. The "occupy" movement was one that I swing to either side on. I think the way people are going about the change is ridiculous and not feasible as any kind of method of implementing anything, but at the same time, I agree with the basic principles of what they stand for.

37. Who did you miss?
A lot of people, from all over the place!

38. Who were the best new people you met?
The people I met at summer camp were pretty fun, and the people I currently work with, they're a great bunch actually!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Always make time for the people in your life, because you have no idea when you'll see them again. It's something I knew, but I was reminded of it in a harsh way, so I think I just re-learnt it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I'm not sure, I'm terrible with song lyrics! I know a few that mean something to me, but I don't think they sum up my year. Also, kind of a weird end to the survey.

Ok, going to sort out my mess in the kitchen.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:38 PM
So. Had my friend Katy round for pizza the other night, it was nice to properly catch up!! She told me of a job going in the place where she works...

I want to apply for it, but I also want to stick with what I know. I like the work I'm doing, and a big part of me wants to stay somewhere for long enough to get at least (at least) one promotion.

Caroline wants me to go away in June. Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia & Hong Kong. I'm not sure if I can afford it or not. I almost can, but I don't want to come back to no savings, I've done it twice before and it's not fun. I don't want to jeopardise the life I've begun here... I'm less likely to as it's only a month, but I'm still very very wary!! It's definitely a wait and see job.

As for the love life, I'm in the process of reading WebstAr's diary, "I feel like being with J is perfect for what I want out of a boyfriend right now. We always have an insanely good time when we go out together, he absolutely adores me (and I, him), and we love spending time together. At the same time, we both have independent things going on in our lives and are happy spending time apart as well." I found this such a cute little passage, and it made me realise something... There's a guy at work that I'm almost sure is interested in me, and today we both finished at the same time, and I asked if he had his car, but parking's too expensive during the day, so he didn't, then I'm not sure if he was going to ask me if I wanted to go for a drink or not, but he asked what I was doing now, but I was a bit confused, because surely I just tried to bum a lift home?? So I replied (in a rather confused tone) that I was going home. Anyway. If I'm actually thinking about what I want out of a boyfriend right now, I need to get to know any potential boys a bit more before thinking about going any further, and I need someone who I miss when they're not there. I need to think of who fulfills this criteria... I'm not sure if this boy does or not, but I'm not pushing forward with him at all, and if it turns out that he is interested, then I'll have to figure it out. I'm not sure if I'm interested in him and making up that he's interested in me in my head, or if I am reading the signs right... Only time will tell I suppose!

I'm going out tonight for another co-worker's birthday, so that should be fun. He might be there, but he's working tomorrow at 9am, so he was a bit reluctant to go... We shall see!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 15, 2012 05:32 PM
He wasn't there... because he was going to go, got home, had a drink, fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up at 11pm, realising he probably couldn't go because it would take too long for him to get into town.

You know, I may be obsessing when the first thing I write about is him. I think I'm trying to figure him out. Figure it out? I don't know the correct wording. I can say one thing though... I was going to go and sit in my bedroom on my computer, but then I saw that "The Holiday" was on, and he kind of mentioned the other day that that was his favourite film. (Is his favourite film? But he said it in the past tense... hmmmm.) In my experience, guys only mention that their favourite film is a soppy romantic if they want to be your soppy romantic? Is that true? Any lurkers fancy chiming in on that one?? Anyway, it's on now, just so I can watch it and not lie when I say it was on and I was watching it, and I may or may not mention that it made me think of him.

Oh God. I'm obsessing. I'm not even sure what diety I'm calling to.

You know something though? He wasn't out on Friday night, but on Saturday he mentioned that he really should have walked me home on Friday, and he thought of that after he left... We finished at the same time yesterday, and he had his car. I might tease him that he could have been a gentleman two days in a row but wasn't, so much for his posh upbringing!! Anyway, I was also thinking that I'm kind of glad that he didn't walk me home or give me a lift home... I don't want to push anything, I'm quite happy to figure this out verry slowly.

Tomorrow I'm going for champagne training at 3pm, then working at 5pm, but missing dance class at 6pm, and I've only got 3 shifts next week, which is rather annoying, but never mind! It is January after all, and it's only going to get quieter.

I'm thinking of possibly going home the last week in February.

I didn't mention that last Wednesday when Katy was here we had a mouse run across the floor in the living/dining room! I'm going to buy poison "next week" because it's an incredibly hard thing to come across, but I found a shop that does it, and they're out of stock until "next week" I'll maybe pop in on Wednesday or Thursday and see if they have any.

Last night after work I had dinner and was sat in the living room relaxing, and my Irish flatmate came in and said that she was having a few friends round before heading out, so I had a good bit of craic with all her friends, it's a pity she's moving out (oh yeah, she's moving out really quickly after moving in because she was offered (without applying for) an internship in Dublin) because that was good fun, I just couldn't do another night out, I wanted to be fresh for this morning because there were things I wanted to do, then head out to see Kathryn, my old flatmate. Anyway, when they all left to go out, I lifted all the glasses etc and cleaned up, because I didn't want to leave bowls of crisps lying around to attract the mice even more! Then I did all the dishes, entirely cleaned the kitchen, headed into the bathroom and sprayed the tub and scrubbed it to within an inch of it's life... When I cleaned it earlier in the week, I used a new spray, and realised that the old (cheap unbranded) cleaner was crap, and the new spray left white drip marks through the 'cream' that I thought was supposed to be the colour of the bath. Disgusted. Anyway... Scrubbed the bath and it was shiny and white and beautifully clean!

This morning I had a really productive morning, I got up and put on a light load of laundry, hoovered my bedroom, the hall and the living room, put on a dark load of laundry, did my handwashing, scrubbed the tub (again) because my French flatmate dyed her hair this morning. I can't blame her, she'd probably planned to already, but it was still frustrating because I was so looking forward to standing in such a shiny tub, and I had to put more effort in to make it so before I could use it.

Anyway, I got all my washing done, and the only household thing that wasn't done over the weekend was the kitchen mopped... Though my responsibility this week was the bathroom, not the hoovering, or the kitchen, but my French flatmate isn't exactly the most fastidious in the world! She also annoys me because we have a communal kitty but she uses so so so so so much kitchen roll (instead of plates, as napkins, to clean the kitchen rather than use a cloth, I don't know for what else!) So I want to bring that up with her, because she has such wasteful ways that affect me, and I really don't want to pay for that sort of thing.

So yeah, after being so productive, it was just after 2pm, and I headed out to the open viewings at my old flat, met up with Kathryn, sat and chatted, had a couple appear, then at 4pm we headed out, furniture then grocery shopping... When I got back to the flat, I popped out to buy milk (milk in the corner shop is so much cheaper than anywhere else!) then made myself a lovely dinner of chicken and ginger stir-fry, but next time I make it, I'm going to add lemon, and add the ginger at a different stage so it's stronger. Sat down, watched got to dance, watched Happy Feet, filed, buffed and re-polished my nails with strengthening solution while it was on, moisturised my hands, watched America's Next Top Model: All Stars (first episode) then the Holiday came on, which I already mentioned, and we are at now! Lovely.

So I still need to do my dishes, don't want to leave them overnight, though I hope my shiny new nails and moisturiser won't wear off too much while I do them!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 16, 2012 06:04 PM
Thoughts as I read others' diaries... (Karma if you can guess which paragraph was inspired by which diary!)

I think the problem with self-image is that designers make standardised clothes, and men have a much more standardised shape than women, yet they have more options to have different waist and leg length, or chest and collar width. I hate clothes-specific shopping also.

I must really put more effort into a healthier, varied diet, without a lot of meat, I find it makes my body angry. Though I find it tasty. Also, I'm yet again toying with the idea of the same tattoo I've wanted for years, but I'm still not sure if I want to get a tattoo or not at all. It's very much a "let's see what happens next..." kind of symbolism to it. For me, anyway.

I think I've naturally figured out that I need balance in my life, and I sometimes dance, and I sometimes make jewellery, and I sometimes do my nails and my legs and have a really long bath and feel fantastic, and I sometimes sit back and compare my life with others' and help people in the community (both local and global) out, so I feel pretty good about myself that I figured that out myself. I think I sort of know when I need to re-balance. Which is a nice realisation. It just sometimes doesn't happen because of business, but I do take "me-days" and some of those "me-days" I actually clean my entire home, because it makes me feel fantastic afterwards. So that's just lovely. I'm going to keep up the good work.

I'm not sure I'm happy planning a trip with Caroline in June. Not only am I not sure if I can afford it what with the lack of any money at all when I come back, but also, it would seem that it would be another whistle stop tour, and I really don't want that, I want the spontaneity that comes with travel, without having those plans. Nice reminder... I did say to Caz when we were in South America that next time we go away, we can't plan as much, but when I went round to figure out if I can afford to go etc, she wanted to plan dates for going to x, y and z places, to fit it all in, and I'm not sure I want that. When I think on my trip to South America in 2010, I had almost 4 months, and Caz shared one month with me. The parts I remember most were the less frantic months without her (it wasn't because she was there that they were frantic, that was my/the travel agent's fault, but anyway) where I could relax and enjoy what was going on. I'm happier in a more laid-back position.

I'm not currently interested in job hunting because I like my job, and I really want to work there long enough to get a promotion. I should apply to other things, but part of me is scared that I'll get a job that I don't enjoy as much, and if I don't enjoy it, I won't do it well, and then I'll be fired and left with nothing!


We had champagne training at work today, it was very interesting, then I was working from 5pm until 11pm, but I lost out on half an hour because the till's clock in/out system is a bugger. Oh well.

I broke a nail today, after spending time doing them yesterday. That always always happens. Oh well.

I wore my pearl necklace today, because I mentioned that I had one to someone, but he wasn't there. That annoyed me somewhat. Oh well.

I think it's probably time I turned the computer off and headed towards my bed.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 17, 2012 05:34 PM
If everyone does it, does that make it ok?

I went to the museum today with a girl from work and some of her friends. Some of them get names for the sake of this story: Girl A is who I work with and Girl B lives with her. Boy A is a friend of theirs and Boy Z is an old friend of Girl A.

The museum was great fun, then we went to the pub, I had a couple of bottles of Rekorderlig.

Boy A asks if we have any good jokes, and a few are told, then I say that I don't have any, but I have a good story. So when I start to tell my story, boy z starts to interrupt every second second. I fake pretend annoyance (yes, that makes sense) and I keep trying to tell it. He only stops when I get to a part talking about phones and he starts messing with his pulling it out and turning it over etc. So I grabbed it off him and put it to the other side of me. When I got to the end, he'd obviously realised that it didn't need a more interesting "captioning" by him, or that I was more interesting than his juvenile behaviour, so he was silent and actually respected me and listened.

When girl b and boy a went for a cigarette, I realised that boy z's phone was still next to me, so I lifted it and passed it to him, then I commented that it was a fancy iphone, and slid it open, I told him I liked the chair he had as his background photo, and he told me it was in his studio apartment and the view from his bed. Superfluous information, but I think he wanted to sound good. Anyway.

Then my mischievous side came out, and I was flipping through, and made sure he watched as I opened facebook... What do you do when you get access to someone else's facebook? You hijack it! (I dislike the commonly used term of "frape" as I feel it trivialises something much worse.) Except I didn't want to do anything too severe, because I didn't know him that well, so I just changed his status to something that no one in their right mind would put themselves, so that if anyone saw it, it would be very obviously a joke.

When the other two came back from their cigarettes, I couldn't help but tell them what I'd done, and they laughed, then girl b decided to reply to it using her phone so it would flash up and he'd see it. It didn't flash up, so she showed him.

He flipped.

He asked if it was on his public facebook page, on his profile, then went mental and said that he's 28 years old and runs his business using facebook, and no one's going to take him seriously any more, and that he wasn't some 14 year old boy, and he verbally attacked me for what felt like more than 5 minutes, but was probably in reality much shorter. He wouldn't let me explain myself because he wouldn't accept anything less than an apology.

The thought that "everyone does it" is never usually a good excuse. However, in this case, most people on facebook will understand that "everyone does it" therefore he was just hijacked by someone. Never mind, it's kind of funny. Yet he never even let me get that much out, he just continued to rant and repeat himself, saying that it was such an immature thing to do. (Yet insulting me by interrupting me earlier on wasn't?!)

I realised that there was no way I was going to be heard, and he wasn't going to stop until he got an apology, but if he wasn't going to stop, I wasn't going to be able to make him see sense and realise that he didn't need one.

The funny thing is, I would have apologised if he had said (on realising that he'd been hijacked) "I'm sorry, I'm going to take that down, because I have business contacts here, and I don't think it's appropriate." At which point I would have replied "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you used facebook like that, and I did let you see me opening facebook, so I thought you would realise!" End of. However, as he attacked me so strongly and so severely, I felt that I needed an apology from him rather than the opposite. Though you will note, through the subtlety of words, that my apology would have been an apology to myself, for not realising, rather than one to him.

So I left. It was time for me to leave, and I left. I stood up, and as I was putting my outer layers on, he continued to attack me, and I am ashamed to admit that I swore at him. Now, I swear too much, but not usually directed at people, and I hate swearing. However, he was really upsetting me, and he dragged me down to his level. Girl A (and surprisingly) Boy A followed me outside, to apologise on his behalf, to say that despite them being friends, I shouldn't think of him as like boy z. So that was lovely to hear, because I met them both at the same time.

What I thought of, as I tried to hide my tears on my walk home from the strangers on my route, was "If everyone does it, does it make it ok?" Well, with hijacking peoples' facebooks, I think it's ok, because everyone I know realises what it is, that it's a joke, and it happens sometimes.

I can see where he's coming from that people aren't going to take him seriously because he left his phone unattended for that to happen, but that is not my mistake, it's his. Therefore I made and will make no apology. If I see him again, I'll expect an apology for the attack. Not that I expect to see him in a reasonable time frame for it to happen.

It did make me think, as I walked back, of something that was shared on facebook by a friend of mine months ago. . . .

Though those thoughts were mostly about the term frape, and the trivialisation of the term rape, than anything. And how I did hijack a personal page, and maybe he really did feel more violated by what I did than most people would. Then I realised that if that's true, then the term should be changed because it's not that big a deal. I didn't feel more sorry, I just got more thoughts about how I need to not use that word again. Though I am perfectly secure in knowing that I don't feel remorse for what I did, because I was not the only person to make a mistake, and he should have known that it was likely to happen. It's a current social norm for that sort of thing, therefore he's made the mistake, and I've pulled a joke. That paragraph was a little disjointed.

I'm currently watching "The Bucket List" "Have you had joy in your life?" "Have you brought joy to other peoples' lives?" I believe I can answer yes to both of those questions, and that makes me very happy.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 17, 2012 05:50 PM
Other thoughts on life in general:

I'm glad that my personal change strategy to see more of my friends seems to be working so far.

I also want to work on being less negative, and not swearing at all ever. I am going to replace swear words, but try not to swear.

I'm going to try to live my life in a way that if I look back on the year, I don't feel as thought I've wasted a day by doing nothing, I want days of doing nothing, just not all the time. I want to spend time with my friends, and I want to spend time with myself. I don't want to spend too much money, and I don't want to neglect anyone.

Tomorrow I'm working, then I have Kathryn coming round for dinner, Thursday I'm going for a walk and a picnic up arthur's seat. Friday I'm working, Saturday I'm working, and Sunday I have flat viewings at 3pm. Nice full week without being too full!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 19, 2012 06:56 PM
Wound up going out for dinner with Kathryn, which was nice, and I agreed to sit in our old flat for viewings on Sunday, because I've nothing else to be doing, and I think it will be a nice way to while away the afternoon. I might bring some beading with me.

When I was working yesterday, I was asked if I would work tonight, so I obviously said yes.

Went up Arthur's Seat today, not properly, but enough to get caught in the first snow of the year... Great craic... soaked through! At least I iced my muscles as I was exercising, it was multitasking!

Then work tonight was pretty easy, 5-10.15, 45 minutes early... Went to the pub for a couple, had a great chat with one of the girls! Lovely wee night.

Working at 10am. Not looking forward to getting up in the morning. Off to have some chocolate, brush my teeth, and get into bed. Night night.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 20, 2012 06:24 PM
Am I obsessing unnecessarily?? I'm not sure.

When I think of my "love life" Or the lack of romantic love in my life, I think of various potential boys.

Lets go back to that.

Last night when I was chatting with my co-worker in the pub, and I asked her if there was anyone at work that she thought of as attractive, not necessarily as a "potential" more that she found them physically attractive. So we spoke about a few people, and went into details, rather than just listing, which was nice... I'm not sure I got through my whole list or not! :P

Anyway... I'm really not sure, I was watching August Rush tonight, and I was thinking about who I'd like to sit in and watch films with and curl up with.

There's a few people that I could see that happening with, but some that I find attractive and I couldn't. I think I'm figuring out that I need to think about these things in more detail, and actually decide if I do find a person attractive, and if I think I could curl up with them to watch one of my girly movies of a night. They also can't be smokers, but that's not the point at all, because I generally never go for smokers anyway anymore.

I'm working at 12pm tomorrow... But I think I'm going to get up at 9.30. As it's 01:23, I think it's just about bedtime for me!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 22, 2012 06:14 PM
So I cut that last entry short because I wanted a good nights sleep, and I wasn't really making cohesive links in my thoughts to write well.

What a pity I didn't try harder, because my flatmate woke me at twenty to five anyway, because she was drunk and left her bag in this bar/club in town called Opium, and had no keys to get in. I was working an 11 hour shift the next day and would have had a lovely round 8 hours sleep had she not woken me. Oh well, never mind.

Tomorrow I plan to get up early, and go to a medical centre nearby to make a check up appointment. Quite nervous about that. Need to get the courage to go. Then head back, buy milk, shower etc... and go to the appointment. Dance class at 6pm, then we maybe have flat viewings tomorrow evening.

My Irish flatmate (the one who woke me) is moving out, going to work in Dublin, and she's just spending these last few weeks being a bit more irresponsible before she has to settle into a more grown up job. Fair play to her. So we had viewings this morning: Sweden; Basque country; Australia; Scotland. Clothes shop assistant; Learning English; Just finished a masters in environmental sustainability; carer. Basque was off the list straight away because she said she was doing her course for 2 months and maybe going to extend it after that, or maybe try to find a job. I got the impression she wouldn't be staying in Edinburgh for too long. I'm not sure how long Sweden plans to stay for, Scotland's from here, so she would be thinking long term, and Australia is also looking for a job. Our letting agent lets us choose who we want to live with us, but he obviously has power of veto.

The order we put them in, the first girl said she thought we were lovely, but it wasn't the flat for her. I think she's very young, and was maybe put off by the fact that my German flatmate is that bit older. The second girl was messaged, but never got back to the letting agent. Then we didn't order the last two, because we thought one was maybe going to turn out to be a bit controlling, and obviously Basque was not really somebody we wanted. I think, in all honesty, our letting agent has more power with his words to sway us than we think. I don't think he realises how much his view on how long he thinks they're likely to stay will sway us.

There might be two more girls coming tomorrow night.

My flat is lovely, I really like living in this area, and the cheap rent (especially compared to the area that I'm in) but it's so frustrating living with people who aren't really like-minded. They're older than me, not by much, but by enough for me to notice that what I'd like to do is different to how they might socialise. I just really hope I can find someone to move in who I can get on well with. Who has a similar mindset to me with regards to heating (put on another wooly jumper before turning the heat on!) so that I'm not the lone voice against two others. That was one thing that worried me about Sweden, (so I pushed to have her second rather than first) was when she asked about bills, I said that we hadn't had any yet, but they were apparently around £30 per month, but the old flatmates didn't use as much heating as had been on. And her reply? "It's worth it to keep the place warm."! As I said to mum on the phone earlier, I don't want to pay for something that I actively want the opposite of. So that would be hard. She was second, so I really hope that she doesn't get back to our letting agent to say she does want it, because that's one thing that I'm really not happy about. I was going to open the window this morning for some fresh air, but (even though it wasn't cold) the letting agent had the heat on, because I think he always puts it on for viewings. I'm going to try to not have it on tomorrow night. Or at least turn the radiators down quite a lot in all the rooms.

I've booked off for the last week of February, so I'm going to take the train to Liverpool to visit my brother, and then fly home from there, and fly back here. Shall be a nice little break, might even get to see all the family if I convince the other brother to come home for the weekend too.

I think I'd like to start looking for some office work, but I'm not sure. We shall see!!! Argh. I also need to see if I can get my Saturday shift swapped so I can go round to a friend's for dinner. I need to get my arse in gear for that one. Poo. I'd rather it swapped than covered.

Anyway, what I said before "Lets go back to that." In reference to various potentials. I then mentioned that I'm not sure I got through my whole list or not, is because I didn't mention the boy I've been mentioning here. Then I went on to say that I need to decide if I find a person attractive or not. So... I'm still thinking on that one. Should I need to think? Apparently love at first sight is purely a chemical reaction in our brains and bodies. It makes sense. Surely setting up a romantic partnership is always with the hope of branching that partnership out to encompass a financial partnership, though hopefully a social partnership came first?? With that in mind surely it shouldn't be quite so romantic at first, thought should go into it. Obviously it's always a struggle between my head and my heart, which one should lead and which should follow. Like everything in life, we need to create a balance between the two. I think everything needs balance: my desire to have fresh air versus my flatmate's desire to be (far too) warm; work and social life; friends and family. I need to be constantly figuring out how best to adjust the balance on the various aspects of my life so I maintain a happy equilibrium. I'm still trying to figure out if I find him attractive or not, before I can act further, because that's part of the scale that can't be removed. It's like sugar in a cake, some need more than others, depending on the other ingredients... And substitutes can work, but can I live with them?

That said, I need to stop eating so much sweet stuff, so maybe getting some diabetic cakes might be a good solution. My skin doesn't like this much sugar in my system, but I can't stop, and because I'm skinny I still seem healthy, so people will look at me like I'm mad if I say I'm on a diet. Everyone's on a diet, I just want to change mine. Humph.

Anyway. I think that's all for tonight.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 24, 2012 09:21 AM
We have a lovely French girl moving in. She has a Scottish boyfriend who lives across the street. (Though we didn't know him before, he's number 50, and we're number 80, and every 1st and 3rd door is a main-door flat, and every second door has 4 flats in it, so there's lots of people living on this street.)

Anyway, she seems really nice, so hopefully this will work out. I'm going to try to do what I can to change my other French flatmate's wasteful habits. I might buy some napkins to leave in the living/dining room, so I can be like "I bought these because we don't have any, and I wasn't going to take out of the communal fund for something that I'm using that not everyone uses." As in, subtle as a brick hint to stop effing using the kitchen roll as napkins and buy your own! I'm not paying for stuff that I use one or two sheets out of one or two hundred. (I have no idea how many is in a roll.)

I had a thought last night that I wanted to share here, and I remember thinking that, but I don't remember what the actual thought was. It was when I was lying in bed and my mind was wandering rather than resting and trying to sleep. Oh! I remember...

I am looking for a job, but I don't want just any office job just to get an office job because I'm happy with what I have at the minute, so I am going to continue to look, and only apply for things that I'm really interested in. I'm also going to start looking at getting experience when I figure out what kind of job I'd like to do and therefore what kind of experience I might need that I don't already have!

I really need a haircut, I really want my hair to grow a little bit in certain places so I can get a good cut where I keep the length where I want it. It's annoying me, so I'm going to go and sort out my hair now, figure out how to make it look presentable, and do my make up for work. I haven't spent anything today, so I'm going to make myself some food to take with me to work, so I have today at least as a spend-free day.

Ok, well, that's all for now. I'm decorating my room, putting up pictures from magazines, because the wall-paper's hideous, and I need to personalise it a bit because I can't exactly re-paint or paper.

I might bake tomorrow. Maybe.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 26, 2012 05:43 PM
I thin you';re [[errtyy moce na I anwab t to shag you, and up're lobvely. yes you are.

We;;. that is al, ok. youtr' s;pr;y

I wus]h alcohol gave you oucrage, but didn't lose you're memory.

I reaea;;y want to settl this boy th`r I lik whim. i'm not sure Uif I can. I wish I could.

He's attractive, amd pretty smf ;ovelt, and nice, yes,
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jan 26, 2012 06:47 PM
It's not really very long since I last posted, yet I don't remember. h,,,ll
it's sleepytime.

Well,if I xouls translate that I would, but I xan't so I won't. Are you two ladiea plua the boyfruebd lookiing forward ti hagggis??? It's lovely. mmmm . Yers

re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:51 AM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2012-01-27 01:07:33 I said more than just oops.

I also would like to say that I hate getting drunk. Urgh, I feel rotten. Why did I drink so much last night?!?! Where is my self control???

That was an excellent reminder to myself that I cannot drink much AT ALL when I am out with people from work, because I am most likely to throw myself at certain people and embarrass myself. I really don't want to do that.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jan 27, 2012 06:38 PM
I'm doing ok today... I want to reply, to post something of importance or of value, but I can't think of what I want to say. Am I lost for words??

This diary is about trying to see where my life is going, what I've got around the corner, and if I can figure out what that is by myself, or if it's just going to be a surprise even to me.

I plan on applying for a few jobs on Sunday. I don't think I'm going to buy wine tomorrow to have when I go round to Sarah's for dinner. I think I'll buy some nice juice or something to have. Not just ordinary juice, but lovely juice, maybe elderflower. That's much better than wine.

I'm still no further in the thoughts on how to get further in my career, in my life. I'd like to think about moving to Canada, to work, at least for a while, but I think I'm happy where I am for the time being, because I can live a life and see friends. It may be just an existence, but I'm happy at the moment.

I'm lonely. I want love. I have no idea where to find it. How to meet someone, who could be the kind of guy for me? I know it's the remnants of the depressive alcohol talking, but I just seem to never attract the right kind of guy, or any guy. I'm not sure why. Maybe I push them away too, I'm not sure. I know I've said no to a lot of guys because I'm scared of why they're interested in me.

In first year, I had a hard time learning everyone in halls names'. I remember it was one of the boys birthday, so we had a bit of a hoolie, and I learnt another name that night, I'd been having trouble remembering this boy's name, because I didn't have anything that I thought was remarkable about him to distinguish his name from anyone elses. When I meet a person, I find that I need to connect their name in my head to something else, and I remember it much easier. So when someone pointed out that in their leeds accent, this boy's name sounded like a certain cartoon character, I learnt it. Later on that night, there were a few of us chilling out in my bedroom, and someone pointed out that we were getting all coupled up, and then left me and this boy together, so we kissed, even though I didn't think of him like that really, but I couldn't figure out how to tell him that when we were alone and he had clearly manufactured the situation because he was shy. I just couldn't reject him for no clear reason, but I prefer to know someone better before deciding to kiss them, so yeah. Anyway.

I couldn't figure out how to tell him I wasn't interested, so I just didn't really talk to him after that. I was a young and naive 18 year old, and I had no experience on how to deal with that sort of thing, so I dealt with it badly, and then I got a note under my door, telling me that he thought that he really had a connection with me, that we got on well, whereas I was more realistic and knew that we only knew each other a few weeks, and didn't know anyone well... I had to write back to him, and figure out which bedroom door was his, and tell him that I wasn't looking for "a close friendship" right now.

I mostly couldn't figure out why he was interested in me. I didn't think he knew me well enough, and I got scared because if I don't know them well, what are they after from me, because it can't be my personality if they don't know it yet?

There's a boy at home, who's the friend of my brother in law's nephews. He's a nice boy, and he's been interested in me for a number of years. Yet he's too shy to really talk to me. I wonder if he's interested in me because I'm Nuala's sister, and maybe he thinks we're similar? If he's interested in me because I'm pretty? Why is he so shallow and only interested in me because I'm pretty? Am I pretty? I don't know sometimes. Anyway.

I have serious issues with trusting a person's reasoning, and I'm not comfortable with interest from the opposite sex. I really need to work on that. I'm not sure where it came from, this aversion, because it's always been there, even before I was ever bitten, so the saying "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" can not apply to my early experiences with failed relationships. How do I fix that? I don't know...

I need to go on dates I think. Try a different approach. Part of me wants to believe that it will happen for me, but I want to be proactive, I don't want to wait to be swept off my feet with all the romanticism that comes with that, though it would be lovely, I just want to know, to be certain. To have someone who I know is interested in me, and who I am interested in, and get to know each other, and have a gradual, slow-burning relationship. I'm just coming to the realisation that I'm 25, and I'm still young, but I don't want to be walking through the tall trees in Georgia, left with none.


Work today was quieter than I expected for lunch. Then I had to stay on, I worked 10:00-23:00.... After drinking too much last night. Fun. Then the loft loft went on fire. There are 5 floors to our building, basement; ground; upper; loft; and loft loft. Something went on fire up there, and we discovered it before the alarms went off, so that was excellent, because it meant that we didn't lose out on money, and when the business does well, the company treats the staff really well with better incentives to win cool stuff.

Then the water pressure went off completely. So we couldn't wash any glasses. Euw & Urgh. The glass washer went cold and all the glasses were absolutely disgusting. That happens sometimes, so we fill the machine with hot water from the coffee machine, but because there was no water pressure, that wasn't actually giving us any water, so basically, we were screwed. Then I left at 11, and it was such a relief.

And that's all I gotta say about that.
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