Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jan 28, 2012 05:52 PM
I'm stealing Nienna's idea of a list of things I might like from my life. Before I begin I would like to state that I had a lovely evening with the girls that I was friends with at uni. I swapped out of a shift from the 4-1 to the 10-6, and at 1pm, I was asked if I had plans for tonight... I resisted being guilted into staying, but I did buy some guilt chocolates and sweets to leave for the girls that were going to be left with a horrific mess of an evening. Anyway, we all had a really lovely chat, one of the girls is trying to sell where she lives, but can't get rid of it, she's going to Australia next week for 3, and she's worried about being made redundant from her work in March. Another keeps dropping hints to her boyfriend to propose, and would love to buy a house in Edinburgh but has no deposit money saved, and is flying to New York at the end of May to go dress shopping for her bridesmaid's dress, and meet the bride, her brother's fiance. (Incidentally, I find it mad that the bride doesn't pay for the dress!!!) The last, our host for the evening, has just bought a house with her boyfriend quite far from Edinburgh, but handier for them both for work, and has recently started a new job with the NHS working in an eating disorders unit. She studied psychology, and is hoping to get a promotion into that. We were discussing how I was quite annoyed that none of my friends got married because I want to go to a wedding, then I described a few things that were done at weddings that I've served at in work. I shared that I'm only going to look for jobs that I'm interested in, and I'm keeping my ear to the ground, but am not going to jump for everything, I'm happy waitressing at the moment. With all that said, I think I'll start a list of things I might like from life, but currently, I'm not really into making a plan because I'm still trying to figure out what that is, so this will be interesting to me to come up with.

1. A job that satisfies me intellectually and is at least partly physical.
2. A nice man who loves me and who I love, we will treat each other well.
3. Knowledge. Knowledge of other cultures through well thought out travel, and not just travel for the sake of it. Knowledge of other languages. Knowledge of good ways to relate to other people. I want to know...
4. A nice home that isn't too big, or too small, with spacious rooms and not a whole load of cupboards for clutter.
5. Low heating bills through an eco-friendly home.
6. A beautiful (to me) family, that I can support comfortably.
7. To have the time to see my friends and keep my social circle spinning (without the room spinning with it!)
8. To be satisfied in my dancing ability, and be able to work hard and achieve my goals (and learn to set them!)
9. To have a healthy diet and eat and drink well.
10. To learn to snowboard.
11. To be content no matter what happens.
12. To be unfailingly honest and never speak bad of a person if I wouldn't want them to hear it, and to try to quash those thoughts in my head. To never deliberately offend anyone.

That's as far as I can go at the minute. I want to be able to live, and at the end know that I have lived a satisfactory life, even if I haven't achieved all my goals, I've done my best to get there, and I've been happy along the way. I don't want to work for something and be unhappy while I'm working for it. I know that sometimes our goals can cause unhappiness when we're aiming for them, and I'm prepared for rough times, but what I mean is that I want to be happy in the knowledge that I'm working towards something worthwhile, and I'm not not enjoying myself at all while I'm on that journey.

I'm on my way with number 3, and if I die tomorrow, I know that I have at least had as much knowledge as my budget allows, so I can be very content with that.
I was out on New Years Day for food, and one of the girls asked about New Years' resolutions, and I said that I wanted to try to make more time for my friends. It was a goal that I had on moving back to Edinburgh, but it was nice to actually remind myself of it while there, and in the presence of friends. I'm happy that I'm making the effort now, and I know that it's worth it. We make each other's lives more complete.
I need to work on my diet and my dancing, but I know that that is something that takes time, and effort, and I'm getting there. I think. I hope.
I plan on maybe taking a snowboarding holiday next year, if I can recruit some others to come along with me. I'd like to have a chunk of time, so I can practice. Maybe 10 days on the slopes, with a weeks worth of tuition, and then just practice time after that. We'll see. I'd possibly like to do another season if living here eventually doesn't work out. That is something that remains to be seen though. I think if I were to try to work another snow season, I would get a Canadian working holiday visa, and try to get work out there. Possibly New Zealand.
The final two I think have been going well lately. Which is very nice.

I think that's all for tonight. I'm in a happy place because I've seen my friends. I need to make time for the boys (which includes Kathryn!) I'm seeing Caz tomorrow.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 29, 2012 07:00 PM
I met up with Caz today, we went shopping. I didn't mention our possible trip. I'm thinking it's pretty likely I won't go, but I hope it doesn't stop her! I really hope she's not stopped by me not going, because I just cannot justify that kind of trip right now, I just can't. My priorities are in different places.

I had a pretty good day though. Tomorrow I need to do laundry and be productive in general housekeeping/cleaning et cetera.

LG
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Puss_in_Bootsmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 30, 2012 01:37 PM
See you in a couple of days!!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jan 30, 2012 07:27 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2012-01-30 19:33:22 The song was swing set, by Jurassic 5. I might just write down each song from dance class from now on... So I can remind myself.
woohoo!!!

Also... GrrraaarRgh!!! Why does last minute stuff have to bugger up the short time I actually have with you guys?? Pants!

My day today:

Tom (my brother who lives in Liverpool that I'm going to visit @end of Feb, for those not keeping score) text me this morning... He has an interview on Friday for a placement that would be rather excellent towards his masters in civil engineering, so he's coming up and wants to stay with me Thursday night.

Then... one of the managers in work called and asked me in to cover a shift for someone who hadn't showed.

Now... Extra shift, excellent.

As for Tom's arrival... Well that clashes with Bec & Manda's!!! So I won't get to see them as much as I possibly could have if this hadn't been this week.

On the upside, Tom might just get himself an excellent placement working for the Edinburgh trams (which, despite the controversy surrounding them would just be great experience for him, as he wouldn't have been there from the start, just joining them after they're already past the scheduled finish date!) Which would also mean he's in Edinburgh for the year. I really hope he gets it, and I'm probably going to go over every detail of his interview with him afterwards if he has enough time before his train. (I just checked train times, there's one at 12.49, then the next one's at 14.07, he most likely won't want one so close to his interview start time (midday) in case it runs over (like the tram works, ha!) so because of that, I'm hoping I can possibly grab lunch with him in the afternoon...)

Anyway, mum called me, was chatting, told me that Caz's mum was chatting to her, and she told her that I'd told Caz I wasn't going on her Thailand/HK trip... I've not definitely told her no, but I have decided I will. Though if that stops her from going, it's going to make me feel endlessly guilty. I just can't justify that cost, because trips always cost twice as much as you initially budget for. Argh!!!! Anyway, Tom phoned her when I was working because he needed to know location of my flat in relation to interview location for buses and journey planning. So if I can't swap out of my Thursday shift (my shifts were excellent for Bec & Manda's visit in terms of doing stuff ability!) then I'm most likely going to be doing stuff with Tom on Friday, and Caz will be chatting and know that I'm off Friday night and I can't blow her off for internet friends because I moved back to Edinburgh to spend more time with my friends, and even though she's the one I see the most, I still don't see her as much as we would when we're both at home home. (In Northern Ireland) So I'm not going to renege on my New Years resolution (/New City's resolution) of spending more time with friends and less lazing about feeling guilty for doing nothing time (which when I do it too often, does not count as "me time!").

So there you go.

I had a productive day. I managed to fit in doing laundry before work (though it sat in the machine for the afternoon/evening oops!) and dance class was a super fun swing routine to a jurassic five track that I really want to have on my itunes!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Feb 03, 2012 01:39 PM
There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?


apps.facebook.com . . . (I'm not sure if the link will work, it's The Guardian on facebook app.)

I think I'm doing pretty well!!!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Feb 03, 2012 06:07 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2012-02-03 18:12:11
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expect of me.

Right now, I need to figure out what "true to myself" is. What life I would like for myself. I want to get a job that has the scope for promotion and earning enough to have me comfortable, a boyfriend to turn into a fiance, husband, then father. I'm not sure what's expected of me, I generally smash expectations.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

I do work hard, I take extra shifts left right and centre, but I'm happy to do that now when I know that I'm not cancelling other plans. Sometimes I take time for myself. I was asked to take a shift tonight, but it would have been my only day off, and I wanted it. I had a lovely evening with my flatmates and some of their friends.

3. I wish I'd have the courage to express my feelings.

Gosh, I really need to work on this one.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Definitely going well on this one, so glad I moved back to Edinburgh, so glad.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Happiness is a choice, and I'm happy where I am right now.

LG. No. LE.

ETA: "What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?"

I'm not sure I'm happy thinking about regrets, because experience is the name one gives to their mistakes, and if it weren't for my experiences, both the good and the bad, I would not be the person I am today. Though I really do wonder what I would have been like had I made one major life decision differently. Like gone to a different secondary school, or chosen a different uni course, not switched, not lived with Lexy. Who knows where I would be if those things had been different? I don't think of them as regrets though... Those experiences helped me to learn something about myself or my interactions with others, and if I do want to backtrack and try the same path and jump over those course-altering bumps in the road the second time round, then I'm much more equipped to do so. I'm still figuring out what I want to achieve or change.

I do hope though, that before I die, I manage to figure out what it is that I would like to do with my life, and then be on the path towards it. I'd like to think I'm on the path towards that decision, which I suppose is a start!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Feb 07, 2012 06:25 PM
Well, busy little period. Silly rugby.

The long and the short of it is that last Thursday I met Bec and Manda and Tom, and it was fun, though slightly awkward initially, with the whole, knowing loads about these people but not having the comfortable conversation down with them, you know?? Really good fun, made them try haggis (veggie, but it tastes the same!) and then we went to the museum. I love that museum, so much fun!

Last Thursday evening I went to work at 5pm, and Tom (my brother, not Manda's bf) turned up at about half 8ish, so I took my break then, had food with him and Caz (who met him off the train) and then they were about to leave at quarter to eleven when I found out that I could leave at 11pm and not 1am (I'd been begging off early since I arrived in.)

So that was good, Caz didn't have to show Tom where to go (though he would have found his way ok probably) and I got to go home so he didn't have to wait up for me, though he was up for a while anyway prepping for his interview.

Friday was my one day off, and I was up fairly early, got ready, headed out, spent a lot of money on random stuff shopping while Tom was at his interview, then met up with him again, gave him money towards a really cool t shirt because my irish flatmate that moved out gave me the remains of a gift voucher that she wasn't going to use, and I didn't want to forget about it before march and it go to waste.

Friday night my flatmate had friends round for dinner. We had a lovely evening, but she scratched my brand new saucepan down the sides loads... Not impressed, but she said she's going to replace it. I'm not using that one until she does, and when I move out, I'll most likely take both of them, but it's not the point, I take care of my possessions, I expect others to grant me the same courtesy.

Saturday was a long shift at work because of the rugby, very busy, but because we didn't keep tabs open, it wasn't great for tips, though I had some regular customers who tipped well because they knew me and knew I'd give them good service, so that was nice. When I got home after my 13.5 hour shift, knackered, I forgot that my other flatmate had said she was having friends round, so there was mess all over the living room, mess all over the kitchen, and I couldn't be antisocial and come to my bedroom to sit using my computer because we don't have enough chairs without using the bedroom chairs. Urgh. I wasn't in the mood for people, or small talk, just me-time, so I cleaned the kitchen while I cooked, then sat in the living room while I ate my pasta, then returned and cleaned the rest of everything. I'm glad I managed to do it without being "discovered" and offered help, I needed that time alone. Then I baked mint chocolate muffins. They were pretty good. A bit dry, but yeah. I had them in work on Sunday.

Monday was very very quiet in work in terms of customers, but because there's a lot of money being invested in our restaurant by the company, we had a huge clean-up and clear-out... To sort the "what needs money invested and what's actually fine" stuff out. So afterwards we were all going to the pub. That was fun.

Good night out last night, and I kissed a boy. Well, he kissed me, but I kissed him back. He's cooking me lunch tomorrow.

Tonight I took Caroline to the Stand Comedy Club, it was rather fun. Less periods talk than I expected, given that it was called "wicked wenches" and was solely female comedians, but there were a lot of up the bum jokes. Gross.

Now I'm sleepy, and I'm going to bed.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Feb 08, 2012 09:21 AM
So. That was an interesting day...

L....ok
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Feb 09, 2012 11:01 AM
My throat hurts. Again. Bugger.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By mandakp
On Thu Feb 09, 2012 08:51 PM
^^ Ughu join the club :(
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Puss_in_Bootsmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Feb 10, 2012 01:07 AM
Me too. Although I think it's heat + talking + not drinking enough water.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Feb 11, 2012 09:47 AM
I went home from work early yesterday because I felt so crappy.

I haven't eaten much since Monday. I ate well on Monday, but I was out on Monday night, and I never eat well on a hangover. Tuesday night we went to a comedy club, turns out they no longer do food during the week, so I had half a pizza after 11pm!!! Thought we were going to get to eat at like 7.30!

Wednesday, again, didn't eat much, because I ate so late on Tuesday night, I slept late on Wednesday, and had to go to work later.

By Thursday, my throat felt absolutely rubbish, and I've realised that this week, I haven't had my windows open, but I have every other week, and the last time I got sick, it was because I hadn't had fresh air in the flat. I need to make a more conscious effort to have healthy fresh air in my bedroom.

Yesterday I woke up and thought I was going to vomit, but felt better through the day, and went to work, then began to feel rubbish again. I went home at 10.30, and slept so so much last night. Still woke up with a bit of a sore neck, but I think by tomorrow I'll be back to normal, provided I drink plenty of water and take some ibuprofen. I haven't vomited, but I have been ill, and I probably shouldn't be working with food, but it wasn't properly ill, only halfway there, so yeah, I'm not giving up the hours because it's not like any customer's really going to catch anything, I wash my hands plenty, it's fine!

I've tried to eat some spaghetti today, but had to run to the loo halfway through eating it. So yeah, not sure how this needing energy and being able to stay on my feet 6pm-4am is going to work, but we'll see! Hopefully I won't be as rubbish tonight as I was yesterday! I think we made good tips yesterday, though I got someone to take mine home with them and give them to me soon, because I was just not ready to wait for them, I was dying on my feet.

I think it's time to get ready for work, and leave super early, so I can stop off at a pharmacy en route, and see if they can give me anything else for my throat, which feels like it's about to close up!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Feb 12, 2012 06:54 PM
I really want to text him tomorrow...

"I was out last night, and discovered that when I told Caz, and [Vivienne] heard, it meant that [Kurt] spread it round everyone. Then when I told Caz and [Coco] was there that we were "having lunch" she told [Manolo], and he told [Ralph], who told [Alice], who asked me about it. Oh, and [Alexander] thinks I'm a gypsy princess and we're going to be on next season's Big fat gypsy weddings."

[Vivienne]: Caz's flatmate, also works where I do as floor staff, I probably wouldn't be working there if she wasn't and I hadn't heard that there was a job going from her. Was out that night, but went home earlier.
[Kurt]: Vivienne's boyfriend. Had his last shift at work on hogmanay, as bar supervisor, now works as an assistant manager in a small bar nearby. Was out that night, but went home with Vivienne.
[Coco]: One of the work girls who I get on quite well with. Also floor staff, supervisor, really nice girl, thought I could trust her not to tell anyone but her boyfriend, and thought I could trust her to tell him not to tell anyone.
[Manolo]: Coco's boyfriend, bar staff in work. Massive gossip, should have remembered this when I told Coco about our "lunch date".
[Ralph]: Bar staff, really nice, gets on well with everyone seemingly. Has had some major gossip about him in the past, so thought he was better than gossiping, and wouldn't, but apparently he just likes to have the chat about someone other than him.
[Alice]: Bar staff, get on fantastically well with her, she has one half pint and announces she's tipsy, it's hilarious! She gets a lot of flak for that. She's also from the scummy city of Dundee, but has a posh accent, so I think she's fairly posh underneath it. She was out tonight, and after 5 drinks had super flushed skin. Weird, I thought Asian flush was something made up by a friend I know from uni, turns out it's a real thing!
[Alexander]: Another bar supervisor, one of the few people in work who the boy that I kissed last Monday night says he trusts. (Along with Alexander's girlfriend, a pair that not many seem to like, and I personally can't figure out why.) I told him that my surname is apparently descended from gypsies from Galway (a county in Ireland) but my mum's is descended from Irish royalty.

So yeah. I'm going to decide in the morning if it's a good idea or not. I've only had four drinks tonight, so I'm undecided. Also, those psuedonyms come from: Vivienne Westwood; Kurt Geiger; Coco Chanel; Manolo Blahnik; Ralph Lauren; Alice Temperley; Alexander McQueen, and I most likely won't use them again, even if I refer to the same people. (I have some pictures ripped from magazines on my walls.) Maybe I'll send him something apologetic because it was my fault that lots of people found out that he kissed me then came home with me, and after that it's just gossip. Urghugh.

I had a really good night out tonight. Was rather fun.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Feb 13, 2012 05:59 PM
I must tidy and hoover my room, clean the kitchen, particularly the oven, re-arrange the tariff with my electricity and gas supplier, bake, and begin to make some more jigsaw earrings tomorrow. What shall I bake?!?!

_____


So I didn't text him. I wanted to, I wrote it, slightly differently to that above, but I didn't text him. I'm proud of myself for knowing that that was the best thing to do. Otherwise I would be chasing him, and I don't want to do that.

I keep making the same mistakes with men. My first experience was with someone who wanted me and I hadn't even realised it. So I obviously pushed him away. The next was with someone who had been flirting for a while, and things went ok, we probably would have wound up together had I not gone home for the summer, then things went a bit pear-shaped at his end, and it wound up not working out. But the way things went with him at the start I think has shaped the way I deal with relationships since then. We moved too slowly to figure anything out before I left, so because it wasn't certain it meant that it didn't work out, but had it been certain, then he would have had to discuss things with me, so it would have wound up with the same result, but at least I wouldn't have been strung along.

So now I push guys too far too soon, and am really needy and clingy. Well, that's not true, I'm very aware that that is what I do, so I don't. I try to not do that, but the problem is that when I'm drunk I still act a little that way. Just the first though, not the second. At least I'm halfway there. Now I just act like I get around, even though I actually don't.

I think the conversation I had recently where I was told that he didn't want to string me along has freed me a little. It's made me more confident in how I relate to the objects of my affection. I think it was definitely a very good thing. I hope that now I can go out and if I have an interest in someone I can keep anything from happening in front of others, until a relationship has a chance to develop. I doubt anything will happen between us, but don't ever say the word that begins with "n" and rhymes with ever. I'm perfectly happy in my own skin at the minute to know that I'm most likely going to still be single in May or June, and I'm actually ok with that.

What I really wish is that everyone in work didn't know about it, because then we could actually act normal around each other, and not have to deal with people laughing at us and ripping the piss at every opportunity, just because they can. It's rather frustrating.

_____


I'm working at 5pm, there's no way I'm going to get all those things done tomorrow that I've listed up there, but I at least hope to get a bit of a chunk of them done. Definitely the baking part, so I can bring baked goods to work at 5pm. Make all the single people that are working feel better about themselves. It's nice that those that are in relationships have been given the time off, but it does make it that bit more depressing when you hear they've made that effort, and you're working on valentines, because, again, you're not in a relationship. I feel like such a loser for never having had a successful relationship, and I'm almost 26. Why is it so difficult?

Ok, I'm going to read the instructions on the oven cleaner, decide on a recipe based on what ingredients I already have here, and go to sleep. I might tidy my room a little more before bed too. Because I need to actually become sleepy, it's not happening sitting in front of a computer screen, funny that.

LG.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Feb 15, 2012 06:14 PM
Remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Everything. Ho hum.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Feb 17, 2012 02:37 PM
So.

I haven't been applying to too much, but I'm not sure if I want to or not. I think I want to stay long enough to be promoted, maybe more than once, and when I move on, move into a job on the same level rather than go travelling again, maybe? Who knows???

If I look at the people who are above me directly, two have fairly recently been promoted, but one mentioned about moving on, applying for other jobs; one is leaving fairly soon; one is switched to part time; and one has been in the job a while, is well respected, and I get on well with. If I look at the other people in my job, one of the girls is moving up diagonally to work in the events team, I'm not sure if she asked or was asked, but it's a great move, I'm jealous! I'm not sure she'd like to be a supervisor, but she'll do well there, definitely; another has been in the job a while, likes to sometimes tell others what to do and when to, but I think she's a bit likely to sit around a lot. Then everyone else is part time, but some of them get fairly full time hours sometimes.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm questioning whether it's a good idea to stay where I am, or to try to move on? I just don't know. I question myself a lot.

I do try to think that everything happens for a reason, in all aspects of your life, so I'm hoping that whatever decisions I make, provided I'm trying to move forward, are the right ones.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Feb 17, 2012 05:25 PM
Also, was watching how I met your mother last night, and I heard that nothing good ever happens after 2am, so you should just go home and go to bed, and no decisions made after 2am are good ones. I think that's pretty good advice to live by. I would have posted it here last night before going to bed, but I watched that episode until 01:50, and I knew that I'd be on my computer until after 2am if I posted it then, and that just seemed... what's the word??? It's not ironic, is it?
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Feb 19, 2012 05:32 PM
So. One week without internets. Lets see how that impacts my attitude towards life et ceteras. Ok... So it's not completely without internets, but I'm not taking my computer with me, and I'm probably not going to be too interested in logging onto anything.

I'm pretty spotty atm. I really need to drink more water and improve my diet. A lot.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Feb 26, 2012 03:42 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2012-02-26 15:43:46 It's in there.
So Liverpool was great fun, it's a pity Tom's deadlines were moved so he wound up not able to spend as much time relaxing with me. Though also not a pity they were moved because he would never have had the time to meet them otherwise.

There's something about travel, it reminds me that there's a world of opportunities out there. That I really could do what I want! In Liverpool I was thinking about what a cool city it was, a great place, really interesting, really nice.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised what I found nice about it was just that it was different. I liked Tom's apartment, 19 floors high. I loved the docks, the architecture of the area, and how open it all was, and nice to walk around in, I thought it was lovely compared to Edinburgh, home. I liked the shopping area, though I only went shopping when I arrived to waste time before Tom came out of class. If I actually look at the things I liked, I have them in Edinburgh. I have a nice flat, with nice architecture, it's just old, not new, Georgian, not late Elizabethan (as this era will come to be known as!) We have a docks area here, that's similarly re-developed... I just am never near it, we have the beautiful open meadows that I walk through almost every day. The grass is always greener on the other side, because it's hard to imagine myself living there.

I found myself thinking, I love living in Edinburgh, because it's familiar, and my friends are here, mostly. The thing is, if I think in terms of career goals, I have no idea what industry I want to work in, but I'm not going to limit myself to Edinburgh. I'm happy in the industry I'm in, for the moment, and I hope to get a promotion in the next 6 months. There, I said it. I think it's feasible. Anyway, if I move into another industry for a more steady hours role, then I will also be very happy, and remaining in Edinburgh. Otherwise, I'll be working for a while, then those itchy feet will get too bad not to scratch, and I plan on being off. I'm just not sure where.

I know that the grass is beautifully green here, it really is, especially with the friends I have here. I also know that I don't use this city to it's full potential, I don't see it enough, so I've got a few vague goals. I'm not planning on suddenly changing everything though, I know that's not feasible, but I know I should at least attempt to get out of bed at a reasonable hour, achieve things in my day off. do stuff, even if it's just getting a bus to another part of the city.

I go home in a months time again, I'm looking forward to it. This time, I'm going to bring back my alarm clock (with radio) so I can try to have a better wake up time, I'm also going to bring back a few more recipe books. Maybe my little Edinburgh street atlas. I think I know the city, but really I don't. It's interesting, the only part of Liverpool that I recognised from my last visit was the lime street station, because when I was there last time, we only went into the centre to buy some clothes for Tom to wear in the hospital, and the rest of the time was spent on the side of the city where his halls and the hospital were. He lives on the other side of town, it's only 15 minutes away, but it's enough to be in a different world. I was in the shops, but I can't say I recognised them, since the high streets in the UK are mostly identical shop fronts, just with a different number on the door.

Anyway, these vague goals:

1. Getting up early so I can achieve things.
2. Putting the effort in and spending 15 minutes each day learning French.
(My dad bought me a set called "15 minute French" before I left for France, but with the number of lessons and the timescale, I never quite got round to it, now the goal is just personal.)
3. Keeping my flat tidy and clean, my room tidy and clean, my fridge well stocked, and generally being a good housewife, to myself.
4. Organise my computer, tidy up the files, set up time machine, sort out my photos from travelling and print them.
5. Add photos to my travel blog to all the posts I have already.
6. Update my travel blog from last summer, and keep it up a bit more. It's the updating that's stopping me from keeping it up.
7. If I have proved to myself that I can do this, I might think about starting something with the open university. Something on a postgraduate level. We shall see, it depends where my life-river flows.
8. Another one is to fully catch up on Grey's anatomy, watch from the start, and try to recognise episodes that I've seen so I can skip past them... Who knew I have actually seen series one episode one?!?!
edit: Oh! Also... 9. Improving diet, but I suppose this goes with number 3. Hmmm, never mind. Well, it does count, keeping food, but eating it and preparing food to bring to work in order to save money??? Yeah, that's number 9.//edit.

The way I see it, I can achieve these things if I achieve number one, and don't waste time online. I waste a lot of time on my computer, so I think allowing myself me-computer time each day should help me to get over this, hence the tv show.

Well, I think that's all for tonight. Oh! Did I mention that the reason I'm choosing French over Spanish is purely because I think deep down, I probably have a better understanding of French, and also... the better my French ability, the more points on the Canadian immigration points system! :S
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Feb 27, 2012 04:39 PM
So last night I went to bed, and got a text message asking me to work today.... So I wound up not really achieving anything I wanted to... Like getting up at a reasonable hour and achieving things without having to get up for work.

Tomorrow we have a flat inspection, and my landlord is turning up at 10am. I hope to get up at 9am. So now I'm going to go to start tidying up the mess that is my room. I still have to hoover (been planning that one for a while actually) and just generally tidy up the stuff that's lying around. So yeah. Be productive.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Mar 17, 2012 09:02 PM
February 27th >> March 17th...

What have I done but watch a lot of grey's anatomy, and not really be productive.

Was out with friends tonight. I need to get a job with more reasonable hours, something that I don't need extra training for if at all possible, because I don't want to have to pay for that, but I need to do something that will allow me to be sociable.

It's lovely that my friend's engaged. I am looking forward to the wedding, assuming I'm invited.

It's a pity I was late tonight.

I'm working on Monday, off tomorrow. I don't fit in well in work, I need to not make more of an effort, but be myself more, and hope that they'll accept me, and if not, don't worry about it, because I have friends, I can just make time for those ones. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I feel old.

vague goals
1. Getting up early so I can achieve things. no
2. Putting the effort in and spending 15 minutes each day learning French.
(My dad bought me a set called "15 minute French" before I left for France, but with the number of lessons and the timescale, I never quite got round to it, now the goal is just personal.) no
3. Keeping my flat tidy and clean, my room tidy and clean, my fridge well stocked, and generally being a good housewife, to myself. no/sort of
4. Organise my computer, tidy up the files, set up time machine, sort out my photos from travelling and print them. no
5. Add photos to my travel blog to all the posts I have already. no
6. Update my travel blog from last summer, and keep it up a bit more. It's the updating that's stopping me from keeping it up. no
7. If I have proved to myself that I can do this, I might think about starting something with the open university. Something on a postgraduate level. We shall see, it depends where my life-river flows. no
8. Another one is to fully catch up on Grey's anatomy, watch from the start, and try to recognise episodes that I've seen so I can skip past them... Who knew I have actually seen series one episode one?!?! yes... far too much watching!
9. Improving diet. not really, but maybe a little.

I think it's bedtime. Sleepy bye byes.

Note to self: Don't try to force anything, just blow with the wind and adjust your sails! Life will work itself out, hopefully!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 18, 2012 07:26 PM
So last night was a little bit of a wake up call... I'm happy to be back in Edinburgh, but that's not really enough for me, so I need to actually be able to see the people that I moved back here to see, to be able to have a social life and not try to create a new one with the people that I work with while forgetting about the people that I used to work and study and socialise with whom I call my friends.

Ok, so I do need to socialise with the people who I work with, because I need to. Though I need to realise that I probably won't keep in touch with as many of them once I leave the job... I'm not sure who I'd actually keep in touch with, but that really remains to be seen. I suppose I should work harder at forging connections with the people that I can see myself with in the future. There are a few people that if I'm honest, I wouldn't really socialise with if it wasn't for work. The ones that I would, I need to make more of an effort with, make it better quality.

I have to admit, that one of the girls who left recently, to go work in the events team for the company... I was very jealous of, because I would have a lot more experience than she does, but no one in the company even realises it because I don't up-sell myself enough, I don't network, and they didn't know that I'd be interested in going into events. So really what I have to do is just keep my head down, or up... above water, I'm not sure what the correct turn of phrase to use here is... I mean, I want to work hard, so that should be keep my head down, but I want to be noticed, so that infers that it really should be up.... but not just above water, I need to be on the cliffs, much higher than the water, unless I want to prove that I can swim.

I think I now need to really put the effort in, an find a job that I could be interested in. I tend to, when I'm jobhunting, get sidetracked by looking at a whole pile of different jobs, and then not applying for any, because there's just so many and I can't figure out which I'd be most likely to get were I to apply for them... Though because that's the case, I wind up wasting too much time deliberating, and not applying for any of them.... I really do have to be in it to win it, it's not just going to happen for me! Idiot.

So I need to get better at making decisions, and at following through with those decisions.

All that grey's anatomy?? I've learnt that there's no way I could ever be a surgeon, but working in a hospital might be good, because it's different, and it's fast-paced, and I quite like that. I've learnt why it's a bad idea to try to date your co-workers, so I really have to get over that one... if I want a date, I'm going to have to figure out some other way to meet guys.

I was out with my friends last night. One of the boys (whose birthday celebration it was) is recently engaged, and Kathryn lives with her boy. The other two boys are both single, there's never any mention of one of their love lives, but the other was having some gentle ribbing that a lesbian friend of the fiance (who was also there, the fiance, not the lesbian friend) is a female version of him, and if she liked boys, or he had different bits, they'd be perfect for each other. As for me, I'm not sure if I like him, or the idea of him, because I like him as a friend, but when we left the restaurant and were heading towards the pub, we were chatting, and the conversation lulled, and I couldn't figure out anything else to say... Is that lack of conversation flow a bad thing? Does that signify that we're not really all that compatible as anything more than friends in a group situation?? I'm honestly not sure.

I was getting on really well with one of the guys from work, until we got together, then we got the not so gentle ribbing, and now it's really awkward.. There's more went down than that, but that's all I'm saying. Anyway, he's now left (Saturday was his last shift) and we never really got that easy conversation back. Which annoyed me, because I did like that. Urgh.

So I think what I need to do is not get too drunk, so I don't do anything rash. If someone really wants me, he'll want me sober as well as drunk, and not rely on getting me drunk or getting drunk to get me. I think he likes me still, but he just wasn't sure what to do about it. I'm sad that it's not going to happen, but I guess it wasn't meant to be right now.

Well I think that's all for now... I have a busy early week next week, then am quieter later in the week, so I might plan to work a little on some personal development, without trying to spoonfeed it to myself the way I did at university. University should have taught me to be independent, but it didn't, it just taught me to procrastinate. I should never have gone straight from school to university and I would never advocate that to anyone who didn't really want to go themselves. Anyway, tangent. University was an expensive waste of time. Speaking of money... need to do better with that, with the little spending. Don't waste money on sweets Emma! They're not worth it. Buy fruit. Lots of fruit.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Mar 20, 2012 10:20 PM
Did I mention: It's my first "friend wedding!!" Very excited.... Slash..... Oh crap, is this the start of it? The expense? The dresses, the shoes, the gifts, the hotels?!?! Pants.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Apr 02, 2012 04:21 PM
I am as freaking damaged as Meredith Grey.

Without the dead alzheimer stricken brilliant surgeon of a mother or alcoholic abandoner father. In fact, I have absolutely no reason to be damaged. None whatsoever. My parents have a wonderful, happy marriage. They argue, but it's clear that through those arguments there's still love there. I'm jealous of them, afraid that I'll never find what they have, what I'm looking for. My sister has it. I don't.

I have a childhood where I adopted the mantra "leave, or be left." The one thing I wanted most in childhood was to fit. Everyone I knew in my small village had family nearby, family in the same class as them. I was the odd one out, the blow-in, even though I was born and raised there, like the rest of them. I felt like I didn't fit, there was nothing I could do about that. So I left... at the age of 11 (well, 9 in fact was when I made the decision, in my fifth year of primary education) when I left primary school, I chose to go to the school my mother taught in. I felt that somehow, I would fit better there. I did, at first.

Then I didn't. So again, in my fifth year of my secondary education I decided that I had to go to Scotland, not Belfast for university, as everyone I knew who had older siblings that went to university, seemed to visit them in Belfast. I knew I had to go further, this time to escape, not to fit.

I fit in at university, everyone fit somewhere. At first I didn't fit, then I found some new friends, and I fit with those friends.

I don't fit again. Now that I'm a bit older, and I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time, I want a career, I would rather sit in than go out, I don't fit with my co-workers. I don't seem to fit with my friends, because they're all more career-oriented now.

What scares me now, the big fear now, is that if I try to move on again, escape again, it won't be escape, it will just be running from reality.

I need to reach for the things I want in all aspects of my life, and hope that I can achieve at least some of them. If I end up moving away, it can't be just to escape, I have to have a plan. I will continue with this life, this existence in the hope of it becoming a life, and try to change things... Apply for jobs, look for what's out there, get up early, vary my daily activities.

I'm scared to look for work that's outside my comfort zone because I know what I'm good at. I need to figure out what transfers. That buzzword recruiters love... buzzphrase? "Transferrable skills."

As for love, I think I let the last boy get away because I was too scared to fight for him, to seem desperate, but I think he wanted me back, he was just too scared to try. We'll see what happens in future with men, but I really need to remember that the man who wants me, will want me, and all aspects of me. So if I want him, I'm going to have to fight for him, because I'm not going to sit on my bum anymore. I need to know that he wants me, and that he chased me, but I suppose I need to be more proactive. I need to not play games, not let him think that I might give up. I do that. The giving up thing. I can't do that anymore. I can't.

Anyway, clearly I'm still watching a lot of grey's anatomy and not really doing the productive things. I'm now onto season 5. I need to light a match under my bum. It's too easy to sit on my laurels and let them rot beneath me. I need to act like the Uros indians, constantly renewing their homes, cutting away the rotting, cancerous parts, and replacing them with more bouyant parts, that will keep them going, and help them to continue their existence in the way they want it to be their lives.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Apr 02, 2012 05:03 PM
Also... I'm not the best roommate in the world. When I hole up in my room (which, lets be honest, is quite a lot!) I actually would like company, a lot of the time... It just doesn't seem to work out that way, I don't get people that get that. I get people that think I'm avoiding them, when in reality, I'm sort of hoping that they'll figure out that it's what I do.

I think it needs to not be what I do.
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