Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Apr 18, 2011 06:23 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2011-04-18 18:27:35 Just to clarify: honestly not obsessed with fashion, just like browsing for pretty things. Ok, maybe that means the same thing. Don't care, I'm not fashionable all the time, I just like my clothes to be "just so."
lol. Do quite like it, pity it's sold out online in my size in both the grey and the powder. Plus I did kind of think it was ruffles and now I'm looking closer, am realising it's actually little bows. Maybe not my cup of tea then.

The top Caz bought was similar to this in the way it rouched, (ruched? dunno.) but shaped more like this one, I'm not sure either are what I'm looking for. (Not big on the whole one-shouldered thing.) . . . . . . ? . . . (Did I show this one already?) . . . (Stupid polyester.) . . . (It's a pity Topshop is too expensive for me.) . . . . . . . . . - bit plain. . . . . . . (Same designer....)

THESE are looking a lot more like it: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (LOVE this, but I'm not sure if it's right for the skirt, I just love it.) . . . . . .
(It's just a pity the prices are so restrictive! :P Though these are ideas, and I'm going to be ebaying it up if I can't find anything in H&M, my favourite shop for finding matching things) . . . . . . (could see this working well in the grey?) . . .

As a complete aside, Love the print and cut of this dress: . . . (I have an Emily & Fin Alice dress in an abstract blue print, love it! Actually, if you look on my facebook, there may be photos of me tagged from over a year ago in the dress.)

It's twenty past one, I'm on bed, but not in bed.

It's a good thing it's only a two and half day week. Particularly as i have 5 late shifts in a row in the offie. Roll on Friday.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 19, 2011 04:50 PM
Life's going ok at the minute. Mum made an announcement this morning in work that there was going to be lots of hours cut next year because the number of statemented children leaving and arriving didn't tally up. So now I can be a little more open about my plans to leave. Though I don't want to be too open about gallavanting off to other countries because I know that quite a few there really struggle financially, and when I start talking about those plans, the conversations inevitably turn to money, and then the condescending comments start and the talk that one day when I'm actually running my own home, etc, etc... srsly?! I plan my money for my situation, I'm able to. You are not, don't make me feel jealous at your misfortune, the credit crunch has affected everyone, I'm stuck unable to find a good job that has prospects. Ye chose your jobs long ago because it suited your childcare needs when your husbands' were the main breadwinners.

The credit crunch has taught me to plan to fail. Yet don't plan too hard to fail, because then you'll never get up.

The girl mentioned in this post in Louise's diary, makes me wonder if I'm sometimes like that. I am fairly quiet, but it took me a long time to come out of my shell, now I need to strike a good balance. Everyone has cause to complain and celebrate, I just want to have the same worries as my peers, and I'm lucky that I don't because I was able to move in with my parents, I just now have different causes to complain etc, so I may be in danger of turning a little like that. I must watch myself, and save to strike out on my own.

This page is so full of motivation. I'm so scared to do anything that will take too long because I won't be anywhere by the time I'm 30. (That's the petulant child in me talking.) However I also know that I'm not really cut out for university work, I need to have deadlines where my ass is on the line, not my results, I'm not big into getting good results, I was never the best, so there was no real reward for me, just "oh, I did well, but not as good as x,y and z." Anyway, I just love that she's figured out what she wants and is going for it. I need to figure out what I want, and go for it. I'm not sure what that is yet, and I know that I can't do another degree to get it. The schooling system is strange here, and what I'd love is to have some sort of distance learning course, or base myself back in Edinburgh. Because settling elsewhere is not happening for me, nor is a full degree, not just because I don't think I'd be able to cope, but because of the crippling costs of the rising fees.

I know I keep banging on about only wanting to live in Edinburgh. Here's the thing, I don't. I want to be where my friends are, but only while they're there. I know they'll all be moving on soon. Though maybe I have already. Anyway, I want a better lifestyle, a more outdoors lifestyle, I really want to settle in foreign climes, where adventure activities are much easier to come by. I am so over this dreary place where everyone relies so much on cars because public transport is so shockingly bad.

Ireland has a great climate, there's little to no risk of major natural disaster, just the odd icelandic volcano disrupting travel and dropping some cooled ash. It's such a pity really, that the residents really don't take advantage of everything it has to offer in terms of outdoor activities. Want to know why?? In winter the water's too rough to be safe, anywhere in The Atlantic or The Irish Sea. In summer the gulf stream does give warmth, but for some reason we don't take advantage. Some reason? Wait... is it maybe the awful infrastructure? Our roads are terrible, both North and South. Case in point: 2.25 hours according to google, 3 hours according to personal experience from my house to my friend's caravan in Donegal, somewhere that, as the crow flies, is probably about 75/80 miles. We don't take advantage of our natural resources because we don't have easy access to them. Shops, yes... The sea and prime kayaking/snorkelling/hill-walking territory? Nope.

Ok, so we need to preserve the natural countryside, and our heritage, however we also need to have a healthier nation that's more interested in that than beer, stout and uisce beatha. (I think I've spelt that right!)

In conclusion, I get that there's a fine balance. Which is why I want to move, because I can't in good conscience allow myself to waste so much money on getting to and from a place that's like that, when I could live somewhere from which I could be there in twenty minutes! I'll take my chances with the quakes and the volcanoes and the floods and the storms, I need a healthier lifestyle, and I need a healthier economy than the dying one here with the lack of opportunities for me.

I need to get myself somewhere that wants someone to work at a more sustainable future for them, while trying to live that herself. I think I need to do a lot more research though. . . . (I wanted to link that, and I can't remember why. Oh well.)
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Apr 22, 2011 02:39 PM
PinUp has a ten year plan. I need a plan. Then again, I don't...

I threw water over the cat as she was nyaming at my window this afternoon. Silly bimbo.

I was supposed to go out tonight, but it does not seem to be happening.

I am flying to Amsterdam in less than a week.... :D :D :D (I just drew about 15 of those, then realised that it was a bit excessive.)

Last night, a girl (that is the same age as my brother, that went to university in Liverpool, but is too much of a homebird to concentrate fully, so came home, tried to go back to school to get into a uni here but decided she was only doing that so she could go to uni, but didn't really want that and didn't know what she wanted so dropped out) came into the off license. I asked her how the job hunt was going. She asked if there were jobs going in there (which is what I hoped she'd ask.)

So today, when I spoke to boss about the note I left with her name and number on it, he mentioned how he didn't really need anyone (despite recently getting rid of a boy who stocked the coolers & shelves, but had no desire to learn the till and was therefore useless to be on payroll as everyone should be able to do that also) after these next couple of weeks. I'm kind of disappointed, because it would be really good to cut my hours, and we are always seeming to struggle to cover shifts (I don't need 20 hours a week, though it's nice, but it would be nice to have a shift off, every so often.) I think I want to cut my hours to 16, even though with the tax threshold changing, my wages have skipped over the £100 mark (just!) Part of me wants her to start so I can have an easier time, then the other part of me doesn't want to lose out on the money. Then there's the part of me that is really hopeful that I will be able to move out soon, possibly back to Edinburgh, and I'd like to not leave them in the lurch, and she's a fairly suitable replacement. Boss was quite reluctant though.

I bought new pumps recently, using a gift voucher my sister bought me for my birthday. I tried them on, and loved them, but knew the price was a bit steep, even if it was half paid for with a gift voucher. I saw these first, (in both black & white) but decided I would get much more wear out of these (I paid less for them, £55.) Before I purchased them, I found another pair of shoes, that I tried on, which were so comfortable, wedge sandals, with a miss sixty print down the side, and the material almost completely covered my foot. However when I looked at the price, and realised that I would have to drop another £100 on top of the gift voucher I had, I decided against them. I searched online, but couldn't find them. I found a similar pair which I purchased the evening. (They were more a combination of this and these in terms of coverage, but with the straps covering across the feet printed with "miss sixty" and a sort of silvery pewter colour. Mostly they were beautiful, but a little too much coverage I thought. AND so comfy comfy.)

I'm going out tonight, and I was looking forward to it earlier, now I just want to curl up and read Harry Potter. Ho hum. . . . How interesting. Bolivia is a pretty cool place, it's a pity that if they have these socialist ideals, they can't follow through with them and provide for their citizens... So much poverty there, and also, so many people exploiting the environment to make money.

Anyway, I've just noticed that the start of this post contradicts with a statement above that link. I guess searching for shoes took longer than I thought it would, and I was texting in between times.

I have lots to do tomorrow. I think, anyway. I had my hair cut today. It's not loads different, just tidied up. He didn't have a lot of time, but I think that was nice, because it does leave me a little bit of room to grow it longer in the future. I'm thinking that I'm a little frustrated with him, he doesn't seem to really try to branch out and try new things with me very often. Not like Linzi was, but then she just did not listen to me at all before Nuls' wedding, and my hair was awful for a while afterwards.

I really must come up with a plan of what kind of job I want to do, and really research things properly, not have the vague ideas that I always do, then plunge off the deep end.

I may go swimming not next weekend, but the following. I think I might look up the schedule in the pool to figure out a time that suits me best when it will be quiet and not full of children, or anyone that is likely to make me embarrassed at not being a very good swimmer. I'd love to learn to scuba dive.

I've eaten an awful lot of chocolate today.

I think I've stated this before, but I have a thought trying to push from my subconscious to my conscious mind, and I'm not sure if it's true or not, but maybe I only want to move back to Edinburgh so I could possibly have more of a chance at a love life, and also, there is one boy in particular that I think I like. I have said to Caroline however, that I'm not sure if I actually like him, or if I just like the idea of liking him. It took me a while to figure out that statement the first time I said it, but I do believe it makes sense though I think I need to elaborate: I'm not sure if I like him, because I haven't seen him in a while (and everyone of my friends has harboured a secret crush on him at some point) or if I just have been casting around my mind for eligible bachelors that could be possible suitors and he's popped up because he's a good friend, and really funny. In other news, I was wished a happy birthday (on the 4th of April, fyi) by an old friend from uni, who I haven't spoken to in a while, but he was a good friend from some of my classes at one point, though not the whole way through uni, and we have been continuing a conversation since then, I'm not sure if it means anything or not, but there you go. Maybe he's just being polite, maybe I am by still replying. Ho hum, unsure.

I'm going out in an hour and a half from now (9.30).

I must figure out a to do list that incorporates something less vague than "research things I might like to do with my life." I have had more firm thoughts on the kinds of roles I believe I would enjoy, but I've forgotten them, I'm sure that if I searched my mind, and questioned myself again, I could come up with the same things again, it's just taking the time to do it, that is not during my down-time in the off license, and somewhere where I can actually write down my thoughts for further research. Now is not the time though. Now is the time to go for a pee, then proceed to get ready for a short night in a pub/club (it's not really one or other, it's the nature of town that I'm in, everywhere must be multi-functional to survive and attract enough custom.) with possible dancing, though last time we sat all night, and when I was out last weekend with Caz, we sat all night, it makes for a sleepy Emma, but I had a lie in this morning, so I'm guessing that I should be find tonight. Now, I just need to let mother know that, in fact, yes, I am going out tonight. She was hopeful that I wasn't, because it's Good Friday. I hate how hard it is for them to accept that I refuse to go to mass, I'm not sure they realise how much it offends me, the whole concept, but that's another rant for another day. Or maybe I shouldn't rant about it at all, because it just makes me annoyed, and is not constructive in any way. Ok, time to post. Taraa for now.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Apr 23, 2011 06:06 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2011-04-23 18:13:47 see below.
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2011-04-23 18:14:57 Then I wanted to fix a mark-up made in the first edit (well forgot would be the correct term.)
Someone new started in the off license tonight. I feel kind of bad that the girl I mentioned won't be getting a job, but then, I can hardly take responsibility for it. I think boss really needed someone who would be ok with heavy lifting, and not being sexist about it, but girls just aren't. Plus, the boys can do the dogs, whereas girls can't (Our muscles are different and never able to be as strong physically, and the dogs have knocked girls over in the past, me included.) However, apparently he was very good, and I'm quite happy with that, he's possibly even going to be given a night next week (thrown in at the deep end!) so that's nice to know that they can probably cope if I do manage to find a job elsewhere and I won't be leaving them in the lurch. (To clarify: not boss, though I like him, and not owner, but co-workers, who would bear the brunt of it most likely.)

Nuala and I may be going to the cinema either Monday or Tuesday night, depending on my shifts. I must get that organised tomorrow in work. woohooo..... then a full week off!!!! :D

I tried to go out last night, but, it being good friday and this country having a few restrictive laws for selling alcohol (though not as bad as the UAE) everywhere was closed. We went for a Chinese and watched dvds instead. It was good. I found out that one of my friends from dance classes (who now teaches, you may remember me talking about going to some of her classes but they weren't challenging enough for me, and being glad they were changing to zumba.) is really hating her life at the minute. She's like me, she has no free time, she is out from 9 to 9 most weekdays (I'm 8 to 10, but with a two hour break in the middle when I get home to eat, and that's only 3 days.) and can't drop anything because her full time job is non-permanent and dependant on student numbers at the college, but her evening & weekend work is shaky as at the minute it's a lot of zumba, but she's being realistic and knows the fad will wear out eventually. I completely know where she's coming from, with her borderline depression, she spoke to her doctor and the doctor told her she needed a hobby. I suggested jewellery making. If anyone has any other suggestions wing them this way, I'll pass them on to cregs.



Things I have enjoyed working at in the past include: waitressing, repping.

Things I enjoyed while travelling: The Amazon and the conservation work there; learning about The Incas on The Inca trail; kayaking on Lake Titicaca; Cycling death road; Snow activities in Chile/Argentina; learning about wine-making and how it has evolved in Mendoza; Seeing how the eco-systems work together in Iguazu, and the two governments' treatments of the same.

Things I was interested in at school: Geography.

Hmmmm, I need to combine interests to find a job that I enjoy. In a place that I would like to live. However I can't be like Cregs, I can't have only work in my life, I need some leisure activities. If I got back to Edinburgh, I'd have dance (I have nothing at the minute, and that's what's making me unhappy.) however I wouldn't have a real outdoor life. I am also acutely aware that many of my friends, while not physically moved on, may have mentally. Kathryn is talking about selling up and moving out of town, to a bigger place with her boyfriend. Katy's already domesticated with her boy and their cats, she'll probably get a proposal soon. Sarah has been looking at flats in Dunfermline (as opposed to Midlothian, it's north of the Fife... if you look at a map of Scotland.) It's just the boys that seem to be staying put. Well, two of the three I'd be close to anyway. One of them does spend more time in London than Edinburgh though, if his iPhone tracking is anything to go by.

If I moved elsewhere, it wouldn't be in the uk, unless I knew I could get good quality (mostly recreational) dance classes there. Even then it would be a push, the climate's just not great here.

I want to take another year abroad, but work at something that will be useful for a future career, so I need to research effectively. (A word which has two "f"'s.)

When I was in South America, there was a lot that I enjoyed (if I didn't, I would have gone home a lot sooner!) some of it, like the physical things, were tough, but worthwhile, though more recreational. It was the knowledge I loved. So I need to figure that out.

I have realised that I need some more qualifications or experience to back up my interests in what I want to do. I have established that physically I am not capable of many jobs. It would take a lot of training and effort. Though the same is true of office work I suppose, maybe I shouldn't rule it out so quickly.

Anyway, . . . . . .

So that's one option... (And one course/university in that option)

If I were to choose that route, I think I would need to further my studies before applying. Possibly using The Open University. OR by getting my hands dirty and actually working(/volunteering) for a while at something. This is the company I went to Peru with, however I think a more grass roots organisation might offer more scope for working & contributing, and therefore an application to a postgraduate course. (something like this or this.

None of this is a cheap option however, and I will need to save a lot more money before even attempting to go for any of that. If I were to try to figure out a cheaper way of doing it, I would maybe do that. However every time I look at these things I get scared, because I look at this and realise just how much work is involved and am scared that I wouldn't actually be able to do it, would I? (It may be the term corporate responsibility scaring me off a little.) This: . . . seems amazing, in terms of what I would do, and where it is, etc. Not sure if it would have prospects for future environmental jobs? Or how many hoops I would have to jump through to get the job, because they will be way more likely to have people in the country more able for it than I, right?

Ok, so there's a few options, but I'm not convinced any of them are going to work, is it because I have no confidence in myself? I think it's because I know I don't have the right qualifications. So I think what I must do, is work towards a diploma type thing from the open university, and give up on doing a postgraduate at the university of Edinburgh until I have a lot more experience under my belt, given that I don't even have a classified honours degree, simply an ordinary. However I am very glad that I didn't just drop out of uni, because the alternatives when I knew as little as I did then were not much better than what I was on, and I would be even more behind than I am now.

I would love to do some form of research in foreign climes also. Though I need a lot of money for all these things I want to do, plus, I do not have the skills for that sort of thing, it's more of a pipe dream than anything likely to come about in reality.

Hmmmm, I think I've confused myself.

So if I tried to conclude it would be: I'm going to have to pay for this, so try to find the cheapest way to do it. I need more qualifications before going to a university to do a postgrad, if I even want that. I could take some time out in a conservation reserve, and gain experience there to open my eyes further to where I want to go, and what I would like to do with my life.

Right, so. To convince myself that I want to do this, I must study. I must learn to use a library, and not rely on the internet. If I must research something, I should use a good quality library and source from books. I must refine my techniques for referencing, as that was particularly poor in any representation from my university transcript. (I like using big words, but I'm not sure that makes sense.) I think my shoddy use of the English language will be my downfall.

Anyway, this was great, to sit down, and actually think about what it is I want. I know I'm not going to have "a career" if I continue to refuse to apply for anything other than waiting or menial service work. I also know the whole study thing must be worked at. This is kind of exciting.

So, as it is late, and I really need to work on my sleeping patterns, and not being so slovenly... it is time to retire. I will do further research on the postgraduate options and the best course for me with the open university tomorrow. (I think the open university is the best choice for me at the moment, as it can be completed from here, or Edinburgh, and won't be disrupted if my home life is a little.)

edit: argh, I have looked at costs... and each module on the diploma for environmental decision making at the ou is £1310, so if I take 4 (I think it's a min. of 3, up to 5.) it's £5240. I'm sure I'd be eligible for financial support. Ok, so I'm not sure, but whatevs, I could try, and I may possibly be able to get a loan of some description. (from either a financial institution, or a family member.) /edit.


The only thing that concerns me is that the costs involved may restrict my plans for leaving home soon. However if I'm only working one job (and it's the off license) I will likely be much happier at the freedom, and come September, I will be more focused and have the motivation to work hard and get the studying part over with so I can begin to earn money and move on. I don't think it will be so much of a chore as it was while at uni. As there, the end goal was to finish. I had no motivation, therefore no desire to do well. If I knew then what I do now, I'd be in a very different situation.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Any input appreciated.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Apr 24, 2011 07:41 AM
So, after that fantastical post last night on the wonderfulness of a decision. I was thinking in work today that that isn't actually all that likely to get me employed. What I need is experience. Well, that's what I've decided anyway. So I'm going to save to get myself onto some conservation work somewhere. Possibly with projects abroad, possibly someone else. We shall see.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Puss_in_Bootsmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Apr 25, 2011 03:03 AM
Edited by Puss_in_Boots (29298) on 2011-04-25 03:24:01 Slightly incoherent? Yes, I think so.
I second the jewellery making! I find beading really therapeutic, provided I have the inspiration of course. I'm also missing my plants, my cats, and my piano right now - although learning an instrument from scratch as an adult would probably be way too frustrating unless she has a burning desire to do so, heh.

My sister was really into crocheting, last time I checked.

I've even turned make-up into an artsy thing; I'm putting the stuff on anyway so why not throw in a few extra colours and see what I can come up with? I guess it depends on what kind of person she is, but I know I've found that the more creative things I do, the harder I can fight my "downers".

As for the tops, I love this and especially this one.

References: At school, my ancient history teacher had a rule with assignments, where we'd have to use at least five books and two websites (I think? Similar proportions anyway!). At uni I don't recall there being any sort of restrictions apart from obviously not listing wikipedia as a source. The thing with books is that depending on the subject, they can be out of date, so I was also under the impression that teachers like a combination.

I do love a good library though. :D
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Apr 25, 2011 05:32 PM
I really like that top. The great plains one that you really like, it's a pity I didn't look properly and realise that it doesn't actually come in a colour other than navy. To go with a black skirt. I don't care if other people can do it, I can't. Oh wait, it comes in white. Do I really need a tan to wear white???

How about one like this?

Thanks for the other suggestions. I think, (judging by this website) that crocheting is a much less granny activity in every other country but this one. I like the idea of make-up, but I'm not sure how to convey it to her, without it sounding like "why don't you just play with make-up?!" you know?

So to explain further on the short post of yesterday, if I decide to study further, I will not have enough funds to take it far enough to get a good enough qualification. Therefore, I need to just work towards getting a better job. I'm not going to find a job geared towards environmental sustainability in this country. I need to wrack up some seriously good experience under my belt. Therefore, I am going to stay here, at home, saving saving saving, until such times as I have enough for a flight and a good long stay working at a voluntary organisation where I have little expenses and a good diet provided.

I have realised that my problem lies in the fact that what I am good at is mathematical things, but what I am interested in is things that require a lot of research and study, and an excellent memory, and I don't have that. I have a good memory for crazy rubbish that no one needs, but not for the important stuff.

(Also, as a complete aside, I have fairly crap social skills, I open my mouth, speak, then think about what I said five hours later and realise that I possibly offended and should apologiseoops.)

Anyway, I'm thinking I just need to do my own research, not rely other people to teach me, but look up my own sources, really research this myself, and work hard. Not sure where to start, as this is a vague idea, but it's sort of forming. It's at the stage of getting ready to go out to a pub to meet a random stranger at the start of an unplanned pregnancy type of stage. It's not even like an embryo yet. Maybe that's not a good analogy, maybe it's like the taking a pregnancy test when you want to get pregnant but you know your significant other is firing blanks kind of non-embryo stage.

Speaking of pregnancies... (which we weren't, we were using metaphors, and that's the royal we, despite the fact that I'm missing the royal wedding.) My sister is having a baby in less than a month yeah, that's right, she has less than a month to go!!! We were reading the credits of the film we were watching tonight so she could get an idea of names. What's funny is that she keeps asking family members what they think. If I ever have kids I'll be looking up the book called "unusual names" and call the kid jemima puddleduck, or puddle for short.

As for the royal wedding, I will be in smamsterdammmm!!! yay! smarvellous. Only one more shift left before a full week off. That's tomorrow night, which may be a little more than quiet, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm almost finished re-reading Harry Potter. The trouble with the books are, you know what's going to happen, so in a part where Dobby's being all cool and great, I cry, but when he actually dies, I don't... (Though I can contain myself while in work. Mostly.) The other problem with them is, they get me all thinking that I could do anything with my life, and all these jobs I could do, before I remember that they're not real, and auror=police, and they're not that well paid here, while transfiguration=I dunno, carpenter? sculptor? baker? Yeah, I can't do those things. I can sell booze! (For pittance an hour. It's pants. Though I don't exactly work hard for it.)

Speaking of work, I'm in a little bit of a predicament. Do I try to move back to Edinburgh, and lose my job here just to have a social life, if it means that I will be leaving again in a few months to go do voluntary work again, or does moving mean I will be postponing that, or possibly worse, forgoing that? I don't want to appear flighty, but I also need to think of my mental health and happiness. Come hell or high water, I will be gone from here by October at the absolute latest, so should I try to go back, or give up that idea in the hopes that heading south of the equator (for I believe it will be so) will improve my chances of employment and stick it out here over the summer at least?

I think it will be simpler if I stay, but I'm not sure if I want simple, or complicated and awkward, but possibly exciting.

If I had a boyfriend this whole thing would honestly be easier, because then I'd not be thinking too much about any of this stuff. I'm just a girly girl at the centre of it all, and I'm afraid of missing out on the love of my life, and part of me wants to believe I already know him. Therefore I must go back to get together with him. Yet that's not really how it works, so eh, maybe I should take that factor out? Yet how can I? hmmm, no matter, I think whatever will be, will be.

Did. I. Mention? One of the boys on my course (well, in some of my classes) keeps messaging me? Since my birthday. It's just wall posts, but he keeps replying. I do to, I think because I enjoy the flattery, though I do have a ginger thing. So yeah, a constant conversation, since then. hmmm, not sure how long it can get before it gets ridiculous. Oh well, I'll keep replying if he does. (If you're my fb friend, feel free to search for it in the birthday posts.)
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 26, 2011 05:03 PM
I posted something in the VCDT the day before easter Sunday. Thought I'd add it in here, in case it gets removed from there.

My mum really wants me to go to mass ("out of respect to dad") tomorrow, yet I don't think she realises quite how much it offends me, the whole concept of sitting and listening to someone tell you how to live your life, or listen to readings from the bible that are partially propaganda. I am a good person, I live a good life, I refuse. Urgh. She's going to wake me in the morning to get me to decide if I want to go. I can't. It's so frustrating. I haven't turned my back on religion, just on an awful lot of aspects of theirs.

That's it. It got mentioned that celebratory posts about religion have been disallowed, but vents weren't, so it might go. That said, I think it's because so many of the celebratory posts refer to a singular god, and that's way more offensive to more people than saying that I didn't want to go to mass, but whatevs. I had a few replies drafted, some not offensive, but I felt that they didn't get to the point, other's pointing out the passive-aggressive nature of replies pointing that sort of thing out, yet I couldn't post them. I also wanted to say that I wouldn't have wanted to post it in the religious vcdt, as I can't be bothered with that board at the minute, I peruse it every so often, but it does seem to attract one of the most offensive kinds of religious people, the ones that love to talk about how great their religion is and how much they love having it in their lives. I think that's really irritating, that and trying to convert, I think they're on a par, and trying to convert is one of the most offensive things a person can do to me. I also didn't really want to put it here, because my diary wasn't really headed this direction, it was more of a vent, but no matter, it's here now.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 26, 2011 07:02 PM
I forgot! I meant to write about this...

Mum & Dad talking about me and how no man will ever want me at dinner. After pointing out how well my sister and her husband are set up. Nice, parents. Nice.

They totally didn't realise that the reason why I have no idea what I want to do with my life is because I'm so unhappy in my personal life, I see what my sister has and I'm jealous, but I also know that I don't really want that, and I hate that I can't find what I do want, but I think that I'm reluctant to make any firm decisions on anything, in case they're wrong.

I may just start applying for jobs in Edinburgh when I get back from Amsterdam, and if that doesn't work out, then look at further travelling, because, well, lets be realistic, "dream job" vs, "job that pays the bills."

I have not packed anything for going away, but it's all ready. More or less.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Puss_in_Bootsmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Apr 27, 2011 02:36 AM
Mum and Grandma are guilty of making those sorts of comments too. Absurdly, they always mean well, but they have some special talent for knowing the LEAST appropriate time and way to say things.

re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue May 03, 2011 05:21 PM
Edited by Emma (114649) on 2011-05-03 18:13:49
Yay Amsterdam!: Was Fabulous!

I'm catching up now, but I'll update properly soon...

Ok, now is good. Have read all the diaries I stalk, but found nothing constructive to add. Except for: Bec, I feel like that too, with all my friends moving in together etc. Makes me wonder if I should travel more or look for work in the UK.

So. Amsterdam was brilliant. We ate, we drank, we were merry. (A little too merry at times, but no matter!) I will update my travel blog rather than here, as I feel the need to do so, and to do so twice may leave bits out of both.

I came back and went through my emails last night. It was a productive evening. I unsubscribed to a lot of no longer meaningful services, cancelled memberships on long since forgotten (by me) websites (livejournal, myspace, bebo...) I have re-organised filters and labels, and should be able to stay organised now, on top of things.

I have a plan to re-construct the cv entirely, create a skills-based rather than chronological, and completely re-vamp the chronological. Delete all old versions, and get going with the applications to everywhere.

That's the current priority, really evaluate where I'm at, and use the results to make me sound fantastic in my cv, because I am. I just can't get it down on paper.

One of the girls I met while in Peru was there because she's studying Spanish & French translation. She was there for TEFL & as part of her degree. She finishes this year, graduates July. And has a job already. She had her cv on a number of recruitment websites and they found her and she starts in July the position of "mulitlingual recruitment consultant" Amazing, huh? I thought about going into recruitment, but decided against it, and more because I'd heard horror stories than my own misgivings, so I may look into that again.

I do need to be more organised though, and get more sleep, I'm slowly catching up on everything so my time can be productively managed, and now that I have caught up here (for now, anyway.) I will be able to update the blog next, while re-working the cv. I think the best bet is to first make notes from the site on various formats for cvs, and possibly take a paper copy of mine (that's already printed off, but now defunct) anywhere that I believe I will have time to look at it. So tomorrow that is the first thing to do, make notes from the articles. I need to do these things on paper first, as the computer holds too many distractions.

Finally, quick update on Holland: Didn't get to Anne Frank house, but can go back, hired bikes, ate cows' eye sausages, celebrated queensday, ate chocolate sprinkles for breakfast, and was disgusted at the sex museum and felt kind of seedy in the red light district, despite the fact that they are well used to tourists there. Well, goodnight and "doui" for now. (I think that's the correct spelling!)
re: Lets see what happens next...
By GingerPremium member
On Wed May 04, 2011 02:29 PM
It is so interesting to see/hear about peoples' reactions to the red light district...I walked around like a wide-eyed child, asking my boyfriend "But what are the sex shows LIKE? Are they literally people having sex on a stage? Can we go in one, just to see what it's like?" Meanwhile, the poor boy was walking around staring at the ground, too embarrassed to look up in case one of the girls in the windows gestured to!

Only 3.5 weeks till you get another week off (if your school hols are at the same time as ours are that is)!
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed May 04, 2011 05:12 PM
nope. But thanks for rubbing it in. Here til July. Have a couple of days at the start of June, and other than that it's just winding down. Currently researching cv things.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat May 07, 2011 10:55 AM
Have been having a rather semi-productive time of it lately. I'm trying to get the balance right between work and sleep and social and me and future type things.

Have updated a little of my blog, but nothing of Amsterdam yet, I'm getting there. I have re-organised the files on my computer and am close to starting my skills based cv, but not there yet.

I still have to upload my queensday photos.

I'm quite pleased with how organised everything has become lately. We shall see how long it continues for. I'm fairly tired lately, I think because I'm making an effort. I bought some vitamin b complex today in tesco, took a wee notion to head into town, decided I wanted some vitamins. I'll start on those, and see how my energy levels improve.

Also, ginger, I loled at your comment, and I wasn't being snarky in that last post, I have re read and realise that my tone hasn't come across well, but I meant that rubbing it in thing as a joke. Though feel free to, when the time comes!

I wondered that about the live sex show, how close are you to them? Are they above you? Close enough to touch? Who knows? Those who do I'm guessing either don't want to share their experiences, or are too graphic in the detail that we don't want to hear it.

As for the school holidays. We don't get fixed length terms, it's a Catholic school, so easter holidays are whenever easter is, and it meant that spring term was ridiculously long, but at least the dull and mostly holiday free summer term is much shorter! It's actually quite fantastic.

Nienna wrote something in her diary, about how her boy has been done with school for so long mentally, and now he's almost done with it and that's fantastic and she's so proud of him. Made me realise that that is the best way of expressing my relationship with university, in reverse.

University was finished for me, way before I was finished with it mentally. Finishing a year early really messed with me, but I'm getting over it. I just need to apply for jobs that will get me somewhere now, with the qualifications I hold.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu May 19, 2011 05:57 PM
Late for bed.

Got the blog updated with travel things until just into Amsterdam, I need to finish the post, but it's almost there.

Got one skills cv done, too late, because I didn't notice the deadline on the application. Good practice though, am going to spend lots of time tomorrow applying to what I can. If I can. Couldn't find a lot tonight.

Have got all the facebook photos updated. Yayness.

My sister wants her baby to be out of her belly already. Shall see.

May just move to Spain, get me fluent in Spanish, move for a few years possibly. Hmmmm... if I can't find another job, then sure! Good idea? Bad idea?

Need to buy better hair dye though. Nicer colour. Something good for summer.

Night night.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat May 28, 2011 05:29 PM
28th of May 2011. Lucy. Gorgeous name.

Am going to work tomorrow, then shopping, need to buy a change bag for Nuala. I hope that I can get what I need of the application form done before then. I have parts of it done. I wasn't going to do it tonight though I did want to finish and mail it tomorrow.

I've gotten all broody since meeting my niece! She's beautiful.

I can't do a big update at the minute, I'm just too tired, I get a lie in on Monday, and I'm very looking forward to it! Though as for getting rest, well, I have lots to do, but at least I won't have to get up tired. Tuesday is the same. Woohooness. Hopefully I can meet my deadlines. :P

I'm looking forward to seeing Lucy with her eyes open, she didn't for the whole time we were at the hospital! Just stayed sleeping. Absolutely adorable.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun May 29, 2011 06:04 PM
Today I got up, worked, went straight to Caz's house, went to the shopping centre, into TK Maxx, saw a changebag, didn't like it, bought some babygrows and a growbag, really cute things! Then went over to Nuls because she might need them (she didn't have a lot of babygrows going in because she wanted pink or blue and had to wait to find out.)

Caz's mum asked me for dinner, so we ate, then I got home and baked flapjacks and a sugar and spice cake for Nuala and Mervyn to have at home for any visitors that come tomorrow or the next day. The flapjacks burnt a little because we didn't have the right sized tin, and they cooked too quickly, they're still pretty good, just not as chewy as they could be.

Lucy gets home tomorrow.

I've just noticed a huge spider on my floor.

Anyway, it will be interesting to see how Ruby reacts to Lucy. When I go round tomorrow I will have to make sure and give Ruby lots of attention... Poor dog!

I did not, today, or yesterday put any effort into job applications whatsoever. I really must do that. I have pins and needles quite badly in my feet at the minute, but I have changed position, so hopefully that will be fixed soon, and I can get up and brush my teeth and prepare for bed, then do a little on that, then go to sleep with no alarms or anything set, and feel fabulous in the morning!

To do:
Fill in two forms, and post the three that I have.
Application form: complete and e-mail.
Find my and Tom's P60 forms, I'm sure I know where mine is, but I'm not sure where I've put Tom's.
Put my photos of Lucy onto my computer and onto facebook. (Sorry, I won't be linking them here, but you can view them on facebook.)
Figure out if I can go to wherever Caroline and Rachel are going for a holiday when Caz finishes her placement in Moldova (and look at holiday time in work, if I can get off from the 26th-4th)
Look online/in shops for a good baby bag.

I think that's quite enough to be getting on with over the next couple of days. Some nice things, and some chores. I also have to look up and make sure that dancing is definitely on tomorrow night, because it's a bank holiday, but I didn't hear anything to the contrary last week, so I assume so. I can just do that now, won't take long... done! I'm sure it is on. If not... I'll be in Belfast for about 6ish, and I can just pop into the shops for a wee while to see if I can find a nice baby change bag! :P (I told Nuala I'd buy her one!)... oo, I should go up and add that to my to do! (It's the last point. :P)
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon May 30, 2011 04:46 PM
I'm broody... I'm jealous. I'm so so jealous. More than broody I'm jealous.

I don't want my sister's life, but I'm jealous that she has it. It being that settled feeling, her husband, and the life she has with him, her financial situation is not fantastic, but it's good. I'm jealous that she's so content with her life that she feels prepared enough to bring another life into the world.

I'm scared. Scared that I may never have that life. I want it, yet I feel I'm possibly too selfish to get it. Too self-involved, too unable to actually find any man who might want to spend more than 5 minutes with me.

I'm too interested in not living here, because I don't feel like I fit in here. I'm too interested in moving somewhere with a better lifestyle, and trying to save for that, so I can provide for someone... It's like it's almost a catch-22! I need a man and a contented family life, yet I don't want that here, I need to work hard and save lots and move somewhere that I will be happy to have that, but by the time I have enough saved to have that kind of life, it will be too late to find a man who is interested.

I also hear a lot of horror stories about baby bodies etc while in school, (they really know no boundaries when it comes to topics of conversation, and it's alright for them, but that chat's enough to put me off for life!) and I'm just scared of not having a nice svelte young body that is smooth and toned anymore. I like my body a lot, I'm proud of it, it shows what I'm like as a person, it shows muscle tone, and that I love to dance, but not too much hard work went into it, just enjoyment!

I'm not sure what's going to happen next for my life.

I'm not actually sure if I've mentioned this yet or not, maybe not here, but maybe in the VCDT, about birthday congratulations on facebook... A boy I know from uni wishing me happy birthday and then continuing a conversation until about last week... Yes, that's right, that was 4th April til now pretty much. Long conversations... initially wall posts, then private messages. 35 messages on the facebook wall under the initial happy birthday message. (half would be mine) and then 3rd to 18th of May, not every day, but near enough and mostly a couple a day. He's a nice boy, though I'm not sure if I'm leading him on or not... I'm not sure if I'm interested in him or not, you see, he's been in the cadets from fairly young, and he's got a new job as something to do with raf I think. I just can't deal with that, being involved with someone who is part of something that just ups and moves you whenever they feel like it! I'm not interested in anything to do with anything military, and I'm sure they're great, stable jobs, but I do not want to be involved, I would rather move to Switzerland. If there was a war, I would sign up as a conscientious objector, if forced to sign up. I don't think I could reconcile myself to the fact that someone I was with was part of an organisation that, in peace time, I could not bring myself to be a part of at all, even if the only other option is to be unemployed.

Anyway, yeah, that's the story, he's interested (I think) and I'm only interested if he has a different job (a barman would be better!) so I'm guessing I should let it fade away and not lead him on, yes?

Also, I'm applying for the union job, but a part of me doesn't want to go back in case I mess it up. In case I destroy the great memories I have of uni. Whatever. I will work hard to get the job, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. It's just annoying it's so hard to get jobs at the minute. (There's also part of me that doesn't want to bother getting a job because I do just want to go and travel out in Australia or New Zealand or Canada for a year or five.) Ho hum.

(Could I cope with not seeing my niece for so long? Being that auntie that she doesn't even recognise?! I never had one of those, so I don't know what it's like. I think I will be no matter where I settle though, so I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.)
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue May 31, 2011 06:24 PM
So I sent in the application form. A little too close to the deadline than I would have liked, but no matter, it's in.

Lets see what comes of this. They have said that they would hope to hold interviews on the 7th or 8th of June, so we shall see!! GrrrrArgh! (I kind of love my made up word, I use it a lot.)

I bought a really cool new suitcase today, it's by heysusa (dotcom) and I'm assuming one of the britto collection, though it's not on the website, it's kind of like these: . . . but with less butterfly and more purple colour. I also only bought one 26" piece, and it was nowhere near as extortionately priced as that! After looking at the price of them online, I am even more pleased with my TK Maxx bargain.

I am looking at a holiday in Denia, which is halfway between Alicante and Valencia on the Costa Blanco of Spain. It depends on the outcome of this application, though I'm mostly just going to go for it, it's just restrictive dates. Oh well... I need a little sun break! Plus, it's Spain... I need to practise my Spanish. :P
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 02, 2011 05:19 PM
So I haven't heard yet... That's a bad thing, because they said that they hoped to interview on the 7th or 8th, so I would have expected to hear by now. Maybe tomorrow.

I was round at Nuala and Mervyn's house there now. Lucy was sleeping in my arms, like, properly, I settled her to sleep sleeping. I never noticed a wet nappy, and passed her to mum, who never noticed anything, then Nuala put her down, or went to, noticed it wet, then when she went to change it, Lucy exploded everywhere. Delightful. So new nappy, after I went to get a new babygrow and vest, and when new nappy was under her, but not tied on, she went again... Yeah, what a waste of a nappy. Poor Nuls, she just wanted to go to bed for some sleep!!

I think I might text her tomorrow and ask her if there's anything at all she wants me to do, cleaning, laundry, anything... I don't mind cleaning poo off clothes, because I had to handwash everything I wore when in Peru when I worked in the kindergarten. Though I'll definitely have to extend the offer into the few weeks after Merv goes back off paternity leave.

I'm planning on looking on the bank website where my friend works. I might be selling out a little on my ideals, but I need money.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jun 04, 2011 07:14 AM
So I have realised, with working with my mother, that I probably get my work ethic from her. She has big talk, and says that she's going to do this, and do that (she manages the team of classroom assistants) but she never quite steps right up and tells them what she expects of them, then forgets that she hasn't, and rants and raves about how annoyed she is that they just refuse to come in on time, tell her if they're nipping out to an appointment, etc. Things that just wouldn't wash in any other job.

I wonder if I do that too, if that makes me a hypocrite. So now I'm going to try to be more productive, in every aspect of my life. Life is hard, and I have to work hard to do well, and be where I want to be. "If life is a joke, then I don't get it." That was the title of a friend's facebook album. I liked it, so I stole it. I won't be re-naming my diary any time soon, because I quite like the one I have, but there you go. Feel free to steal, I may also steal.

oh. em. gee., how funny would it be if there were multiple diaries of same title active on diaries board?

I have much to do today, so farewell... I go to read other diaries, then bank, then up to bake and other et ceteras.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jun 05, 2011 08:12 AM
Need some advices.

Christening was supposed to be today, but turns out it wasn't. Anyway.

Tom (bro) had arranged for me and him to get our shifts today covered, there are two boys that work with us called T & N. N's been working since last summer, but is a gaelic player, and constantly messing up shifts, changing them round etc. T's new, reliable, pretty good guy.

When roster was done, N had stuck an x next to his name on Sunday, we found out about Christening, and Tom asked boss if we'd be able to swap it, he looked at it, wondered what the x was about since N hadn't asked for it off/booked it off. Tom contacted T&N, and arranged for T to do 2-7 (not 2-6) and N to do the shorter 7-10 shift, only 3 hours instead of 4...

Then christening wasn't able to be today, so I went in last night, and said that it wasn't happening, and N looked like all his Christmases had come at once, but I said that I was off, and I couldn't do tomorrow night, if he wanted it off, he'd have to arrange with T to do the 6-10 and I'd do the 2-6. Following?

I never heard anything today, and I thought it was almost a certainty that I'd be working 2-6. So at half 12 I text N (I don't have T's number, but it's on the wall at work.) to find out if he did want it off or if he was just for going out after work (10's perfectly feasible to start a night out, it's still light and everything.)

All the following texts are word for word except for names...

"Did you want tonight off? I'm only free during the day, so I can do the 2-6 if you want to get in touch with T and find out if he can do your shift." [12.41]

"So what's happenin then? I thot u wer gonna ring him. Im away here and had took it as if I was off today. So what's happenin now?" [14.12]

"I said it you wanted it off get in touch with him! I can't do another night shift, and it's past 2 now." [14.17]

"As far as I nu u said I cud hav the nite off seein as I'd originally booked it off but the other T [they have the same first name] needed to no. That's y I said his number was in the back." [14.16]

"No, I said the christening wasn't happening today, but I wasn't doing the night shift and if you wanted the night off, get in touch with mark, I was only texting cause I'd not heard and needed to know if you wanted me in at 2." [14.23]

"Wen I left yesterday I took it as u had swapped with me 2 give me 2nite off but u needed to swap with T 2 work 2-6. Don't c y I wud have had 2 ring him. I've drink in me already 2day so I'm not really sure wat 2 do!" [14.22]

"Well you can't have that much drink in you... I told you I would do the 2 shift but I wasn't bothered if I had it off, up to you to arrange it since you're the one who wanted the night covered." [14.27]

"Can u not how I took it that u had swapped with me! U didn't actually saw clearly that I had 2 arrange with T. When I was going on about headin out and all cud u not hav said 'aye as long as T can swap with u' no point in arguin anymore lik but I needa sort out wats happenin 2nite." [14.31]

"I told you that you had to organise it! As you were leaving I told you to get in touch with him, obviously you misunderstood." [14.38]

"Pretty obvious yea. Us think wen I didn't ring ud think 2 get in touch with T urself. Enjoy ur nite off." [14.40]

So, yeah.... I had left it with him that I could work the day shift, but I wasn't going to run around trying to cover other peoples' shifts, and it was up to him to get in touch with T to find out if he could do the night shift... He took it that I didn't have to go to the christening, so he could automatically have the night off, I would get in touch with T, to arrange to cover N's shift, so I could do the one that suited me, and all for him! I don't think so!!!

Anyway, how do I phrase it succinctly for when I next see him that he won't take another hissy fit and be all annoyed? Because while he's always messing up shifts for other people, and not really apologising (because it's not his fault, it's the football club's fault!) I would prefer to let him know that it is actually not my fault or problem that he has to work tonight, because if I ever need time off again, I'm not going to be able to run to him to swap...

Alternatively, you can read this and side with him, and put me in my place, either way, let me know! (Part of me knew that he hadn't listened properly and is far too used to people just smoothing the path for him to carry out his life the way he wants, and part of me (probably the same part) wanted it to go tits up for him because it should teach him that we're not bending over backwards to allow him to get exactly the shifts he wants when he wants. It probably won't though... I've done 3 out of the last 4 Saturday nights, without any complaint, because there's no point. (We mostly set our own shifts, the weekend before. There should be a cycle, we take it in turns to do each shift, but it doesn't quite work out that way.)

In other news, Tom and I are definitely off for next Saturday night, when the Christening actually takes place.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jun 05, 2011 05:59 PM
Sometimes I get so frustrated with how crap I am with words and getting what I mean out in the right way. It's pants.

This is actually unrelated to the above post, just a frustration of mine.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 07, 2011 04:37 PM
This just looks incredibly awesome. In particular the weekend beginner's thing. €100 for 5 classes, and there's two I like, so it would most likely be just under or around €100 for 4. However it is Lucy's Christening on Saturday, and I'm working at 10, so I would have to give up my shift, and at 3pm drive straight home to get ready for the Christening at 7.30. I'm not sure how long the drive is, most likely not more than an hour and half, but knowing my forgetfulness of directions, it could be more like 3 en route, but maybe slightly shorter home. I could do Sunday, but I'm not sure you can do just one day.

This is exactly why I need a more steady job in terms of scheduling. Oh well.

In other news, I was asked to be Godmother. The only thing that is irking me about this is that in the ceremony I most likely have to agree to some beliefs which I don't agree with, and that goes against my beliefs, so urgh. However another belief is to keep the piece, live and let live, and if I can teach her those values, to go through a ceremony where I may have to lie a little, well, so be it.

I must to bed.
re: Lets see what happens next...
By Emmamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jun 12, 2011 06:05 PM
No dance tomorrow.

Have finished one application form to a job with a juice bar.
Have updated my cv and must go onto reed website to upload when site is working properly again for various jobs.
Must go through emails to look at other recruitment agencies in Edinburgh.

Have noticed shiny new logo... very nice.

Must get to Portyup to purchase bag for Nuls. (Tomorrow?!)
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