Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

"Breaking up" with a friend.
By lux
On Sun Oct 17, 2010 04:47 AM
Edited by lux (197070) on 2010-10-17 04:50:44

So, I have this friend. We'll call her Hannah. I actually made this post:

www.dance.net . . .

about her a few months back, and got some really great replies (that I never responded to because I'm slack, and as one poster predicted, things blew over).

Basically, as harsh as it sounds, I've realised that I no-longer want this girl in my life. I have a bad habit of maintaining one-sided relationships, and this one has really drained me. I'm totally happy to be civil to her at social events, but I have no interest in catching up with her one-on-one, or coaching her through her ill-advised relationships. If you think this sounds harsh, feel free to read my essay below...

Anyway, I haven't spoken to her since the birthday described below (so about a month), and I figured that we'd just sort of ... drift. However I was told by a mutual friend today that Hannah is "not talking to me" because she feels that I "am not giving her enough attention". Clearly I don't care that she's not talking to me, but I don't want to find myself fielding a whole bunch of passive-aggressive rubbish at the next event we're at together. I guess I do also feel a bit bad about ditching her- the last time I intentionally cut a friend lose was when I was about 11! However the idea of actually telling her I'm done with being friends seems unnecessarily confrontational, not to mention immature.

Has anyone been here? Any advice?

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(Long back story, mainly for my benefit in typing it out, but feel free to read and comment if you like!)

We're both 21, and met in highschool when we were about 15. We were in the same social group in highschool, but we weren't friends. In fact, I'd probably say we actively disliked eachother: she thought I was up myself, and I thought she was rude and manipulative. I don't know if I'm just saying this because things have gone sour, but I don't feel that we ever became close because either of us have changed- it's been more of a friendship of convenience, in that she was very close with one of my best friends (let's call her Krista) so it was easier to get on.

Anyway, I've always had issues with her. Her idea of humour involves belittling others, she's self-involved to the extent that you can have a 40-minute conversation that's entirely about her and she's the poster child of dates before mates. She's also incredibly emotionally manipulative: the kind of girl who will screw you over, but when you confront her, you'll end up apologising to her. It also seems that she's never really let go of the notion that I think I'm better than her, which results in her belittling me "jokingly" at every opportunity.

Anyway, I usually put up with it: she can be fun to be around when she's not slagging you off, and she's always so grateful of my advice on the litany of boy issues she has that I guess I get a boost from helping her out. Thus far, it's also been easier to "keep the peace" and keep my mouth shut, as she is one of a 5-girl group from highschool i'm part of that still socialises regularly.

Cut to the present... she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and leant on me heavily in the aftermath. I spent a lot of time hanging out with her and fielding her drunk phonecalls, whilst CONSTANTLY disecting the breakup. Which, fair enough, she was having a rough time. However, maybe 3 weeks later, my boyfriend and I broke up. Our breakup was incredibly messy and traumatic, but I didn't tell her about any of the details as she's been notoriously unsympathetic and even callous in the past about the issues that caused me to break up with him. Whilst I didn't expect her to provide the kind of support for me that I did her (I had other, more trusted friends to lean on), a little sensitivity would have been nice. Instead, I got a phone call to the effect of "So I hear you and T broke up... anyway, my ex blah blah blah".

Anyway, a couple of weeks after T and I broke up, Hannah and I both went out to one of the 5-girl highschool group's birthdays- let's call her Amber. We had cocktails at the Amber's house first, during which time Hannah made continous "jokes" about me being fat. (As arrogant as this sounds, I almost wonder if she feels threatened by me- I'm hardly waif-like, but she is quite a big bigger than me). This was despite her acknowledging (in front of other friends) that we had had a sit-down, serious discussion previously about how much this bothered me. I asked her again, multiple times, to cut it out- she kept going. She also started making noises about picking a fight with another mutual friend who would be at the party. I suggested that she address with her problems with him another night, as it wasn't fair to cause problems on Amber's birthday. None the less, she stuck into him as soon as we got to the bar. She also tried to drag me into it, and when I wouldn't take the bait, she said that I was being insensitive toward her and "didn't understand" how hurt she'd been by her breakup. I said something along the lines of "You know I broke up with T, too, breakups aren't a competition, let's just focus on having a good night for Amber". She FLIPPED, and spent the rest of the night crying and telling anyone who would listen what a cow I was.

Anyway, this was the final straw for me. I messaged her in the morning to arrange something, and received an extra-friendly response, but I haven't spoken to her since. I'm not trying to be melodramatic- I simply don't want her in my life anymore. I think this was probably partly influenced by how badly I dealt with my own breakup- I just couldn't cope with having someone so demoralizing and negative around me when I was feeling so low. But that said, why hang out with someone like that when you're feeling good, anyway? And... see question above!

6 Replies to "Breaking up" with a friend.

re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By VulcanIdiotmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Oct 17, 2010 09:40 PM
I just would leave it alone and not talk to her anymore, but still be civil. I had a friend who used to break up with people as friends and it was obnoxious and childish. Im not really her friend anymore, and I just stopped talking to her one day and left it at that. I think it is stupid to break up with someone because its just cutting off all ties, and leaving tension where there doesnt need to be any. I think you are making the right decision with not wanting her to be in your life anymore because she sounds completely insensitive, and not like a good friend.

I will say however, that if she doesnt get that you dont really want to be friends with her anymore, and you are so over her the sound of her voice makes you cringe, I would take that opportunity to tell her why you dont want to be friends anymore. It will feel good. She has been such a jerk to you, you shouldnt feel bad.
re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By borntodance_134member has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Oct 27, 2010 03:32 AM
I totally agree with VulcanIdiot!

You shouldn't feel sorry for her, when has she ever felt sorry for you and thought of your feelings? Judging by the post, a minimal amount. Sure, when she's nice, she's nice but if keeps making jokes at you like that without considering your feelings or saying sorry afterwards, then I think it's totally right to not be friends with her anymore f she keeps hurting you like that.

You have all those opinions of her, have you ever told her? I'm sure it'll do her good to know how she's acting and whether she'll change it.
re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By RedheadGredmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:59 PM
I had the whole breaking up with a friend thing come up this past summer. I didn't come right out and they that I didn't want to be friends anymore. I just hung out with her less and less and let us drift apart. She was someone I really didn't want in my life. She got way too into drugs and was trying to get me to do them. I didn't feel safe with her when she was driving. I always paid for than my share and she still owes me money. Basically not someone I wanted in my life. Everything was working out fine until a few weeks ago. Whenever she sees me on campus she comes up and talks to me and it is really awkward. I'll be in the middle of working on a group project in the library with my group members and she will come up and start chatting. She does have stalker tendencies which is another reason I stopped talking to her.

Basically the best thing you can do is to just ignore the person. Eventually after awhile both of the people involved just move on with their lives and that's it. It usually works out fine unless the person is a crazy stalker. Based on what you told us it sounds like ignoring this girl will work out. It does sound like she is trying to be competitive even with this though. You stopped talking to her and she realizes it. Sounds like she is trying to make it sound like she is the one who stopped talking to you. Hopefully any future events you are both at will come at a time when this has all blown over.
re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By rincedragonflymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:46 AM
Yeah, just don't talk to her anymore...confronting her about anything will just make it worse because she's gonna love the attention you are giving her.

I had a friend like this. She is my boss' daughter, and we are very close in age. We used to go out for drinks and stuff...but she was a toxic friend. We are seriously SO much better just as coworkers.

When we were in our roughest time as 'friends', I just completely stopped talking to her. I stopped responding to her texts, didn't answer her calls, and didn't hang out with her at the studio. She finally let me be, and I didn't have to deal with her drama anymore. I really wish I would have done it sooner.
re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By buckeye2
On Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:06 AM
Been there, done that. I thought drama was over after high school, but I was wrong. I had 2 friends who I recently cut ties with due to their overbearingness and attitudes. The best way I found was to just stop talking to them. Both called me out. I told one that I didn't wish to continue our friendship because it was toxic for both of us as she was constantly mad at me. She tried to argue, but I felt I had given her enough explaination and didn't respond further. She continued to contact me randomly once a week for about 2 months. I never responded and she has finally stopped. The other tried to stir things up by saying that she lost a grooomsman so she was cutting me from her wedding party and that she picked me because she felt I didn't want to be there and we had been growing apart because I never respond when she contacts me for favors. I reminded her that a few months ago she has already basically said I was out, so I wasn't planning to do it anyway. And then agreed that we had grown apart and wished her well on her wedding. I also haven't spoken to her. Now mind you, I'm 27 and going through all this! It was past time to cut the drama out!
re: "Breaking up" with a friend.
By JackC
On Fri Dec 10, 2010 09:12 PM
Breaking up is never easy. Perhaps trying to do it gently? That's about all i can think of.

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