Hey fellow married DDNers.

I am struggling with an issue right now and could really use some advice. I'm at a stage in my career where I'm looking to expand my horizons. Currently I'm working on my MFA in dance and a fellow grad student's culminating project is exploring nudity in dance in the US. Anyway, I've volunteered to perform a piece nude. Its more stillness than actual movement, but it is a really intense piece and I am super excited to be a part of it.

Anyway I tell my husband and he completely shuts down. He hates the idea of me performing in the nude. I really don't want to give up this chance, but he's not willing to listen to reasoning. He told me to "do whatever I want," but I don't want him to keep giving me the cold shoulder because of it. Ideas?

Ooh, boy, I would have kept my mouth SHUT on that one.

If you've got to do the piece to make the grade, then you've got to do the piece to make the grade. There's no sense in failing to get your masters because you wouldn't dance one dance, you know?

But I would really be quiet about it. Answer his questions truthfully if he has any, but don't volunteer any more information. Go forward with the piece, but leave it out of discussion at home.

Did I read this wrong? I read this as you are volunteering to help someone and to do something new, not doing this project to complete your own degree.

Whenever he thinks of nude dancing he may be thinking "stripper pole" and naked pictures of you ending up on the web. You could explore with him under what circumstances would he be comfortable? Are there any arrangements you can make to satisfy both the project and his needs? Does he understand what the dance entails or what it would look like? Has he met the student? Will their be an audience, other dancers?

It is totally understandable and reasonable that a spouse wouldn't want their husband/wife to show their body in public. There have been things my husband has REALLY wanted to do that I was dead set against and he has respected my opinion so I would return the consideration. Happy wife, happy life goes the other way as well. In the end it isn't worth making him uncomfortable, hurt and angry.

My husband would have a problem with that. And I wouldn't blame him for having a problem with that; I can see why he would, and I would step out of that role - and sooner rather than later, so your friend can find a replacement in good time.

I agree with Lori that causing strife in your marriage over this really isn't worth it in the long run. Sometimes you do have to make choices like this when you're married, and sometimes you have to choose your spouse, not because you necessarily want to, but because they're your spouse and you are a team, and teamwork sometimes means sacrifice on the part of the individual for the greater good of the team. There will be times when he will have to make the same choice for you over something that he really wants to do or be a part of.

I agree with Lori and Kara.
That being said, is there any way you could do the project in a nude leotard? I realize the nudity project means nudity - but looking nude would work if there was a stage and bright lights where most people couldn't tell the difference anyway.
I saw a lyrical piece performed topless once that was at a show in Vegas and I was awe-stricken by how magnificent it was... but I bet those chicks aren't married.
Think about what is best for you and what is best for your future - with your husband... then make your decision.

I think I would have kept quiet too, I know that my husband would have a big issue with me performing nude.

I think a nude leotard is really going to destroy the reason for the whole piece, how about a nude thong at least?

This piece would not be for a grade. However, I'm not just thinking about my friend. It would really be a personal let down to have to step away from the nudity. I'm not considering this would be a one-time deal that I could overlook. This is something that I would hope to be open to for future performances.

Also, the dance will be performed in a small intimate theater with the audience on the same level as the stage and there will be about 10 other girls. He has seen the piece in its rehearsal stage and knows there is not a lot of movement. Wearing clothes that allude to nudity would go against the choreographer's protest of the fear of nudity in America.

I think that it is a totally unreasonable request on the part of a student OR a college. I was in a photography program at a local college and we were supposed to do a nude assignment. The college was supposed to provide the model. Then the professor said he couldn't find anyone to be the model at the wage the university would authorize (minimum wage on an hourly basis.) So he then said it was up to us to find the model. "Just find some cute chick on the campus and photograph her. At the time, I was 44 years old, married with children, and fully employed in a job which required my having and maintaining a Top Secret clearance with cryptology access (about the highest one there is, one requiring even a polygraph.) I complained to the professor that having a married man in his middle age trying to pick up a girl (or a guy for that matter...in 1984 that would have really screwed up my security clearance) and I adamantly refused to do it. He would not relent. I went to a dean and the professor was reversed. The professor gave me a "C" as a result. I already had a Masters degree at that time, this was a two year community college. I bitched again to the dean...I had never gotten a C in anything and all my other work that semester had received "A's."
The dean also changed that. I took great glee when the professor, an adjunct, was not rehired.

I'm also with your husband on this one. You are a student, you should not have to be a model.

Jon

If your heart is absolutely SET on performing naked in front of people, and you refuse to give up this chance, even though your husband is clearly very very very uncomfortable with it and you're willing to possibly put your marriage on the line, then go for it.

But seriously, if this artist wants to protest America's fear of nudity, s/he will find someone else to do it. It's not as difficult as you think to find people who're willing to be naked "for the arts," you know? And if nudity is something you hope to be open to in the future as well, then I think it's probably time to have a sit-down with your husband and have a dialogue about what that means to you and what it means to him, because I don't think you're looking at nudity the same way right now.

It's hard to turn down an opportunity you were really looking forward to, but nudity isn't something most people are willing to just change their opinions on, and I agree with Kara--your husband is your teammate. You can't just leave a teammate out in the cold.

I saw a lyrical piece performed topless once that was at a show in Vegas and I was awe-stricken by how magnificent it was... but I bet those chicks aren't married.

That's an odd wager. You mean married chicks aren't performers?

Something people don't talk about often enough is just how hard it is to work at a good marriage. Although my logical impulse is to agree with the "smile sweetly and do as you please" advice, it will be easier on you and your husband and your marriage (nb 3 different elements)if you can communicate about this and find a way to appreciate the other's point of view.

My husband, love him though I do, doesn't have a single creative bone in his body. He just doesn't have it, therefore he doesn't understand it or my need to express it. Perhaps if your husband could view some other "nude work", which isn't a threat to his husbandly ego he might understand your pov and intentions better.

I tried to find some links for you but my computer is acting rude and sullen today so I'll have to make this a "group project". Hopefully, another DDN member can hook you up with some video.

(Ted Shawn's, Adonis in Plastique...I know I've seen video from Jacob's Pillow but I can't find what I'm looking for)

Perhaps viewing a video like this could help him see nudity in a more universal way. And given the time frame...he can't dismiss it as a revolutionary artistic expression.

Until some other member comes to the rescue, here is a link to an article that may be a good conversation starter.
quazen.com . . .

In the end, you certainly have the right to follow your feet and heart and dance as the muse directs. However, if you and your husband can come to a mutual understanding about this, it will make your marriage stronger and make it easier to negotiate the next marital challenge together.

Good luck.

Keep On Dancing*

Here's a dance company baed out of Vancouver that performs at Wreck beach every year. Wreck beach is a famous nude beach in Point Grey. There are definitely nude pictures in this article: www.vancouverobserver.com . . .

I don't mean this in a judgemental way at all, but I'm a little bit surprised that there are so many husbands that would have a problem with their wives performing nude. Who knows, though, maybe my boyfriend would feel the exact same way! It's not something that has come up, or that we've ever really talked about.

The real question is how much this matters to you. Is this something you've always wanted to do, and are lucky enough to get the opportunity to do? Or is this something that just came up, sounded like a neat idea, and you want to help your friend out. Because, if it's the latter, I think it's up to you to be the one who compromises, here. If it's the former, then it might be something worth fighting for a little bit harder.

Marriage is not just about keeping your husband happy, though. Just like it's not just his job to keep you happy. It's about working together to keep both of you happy.

That's a really interesting article and I think that it shows in the second picture down why so many husbands/boyfriends/fathers, lets not leave them out, would have an issue with a close female relative performing nude. Look at the man in the picture, what's missing? Look at the woman in the picture, there's nothing blanked out at all.

Why is it ok to see a woman naked but our poor eyes would obviously be offended by the sight of a man naked. There are still huge imbalances in our outlook as to what is proper for men and women to do.

There is also a huge stigma attached to women dancing naked, they have to be doing it to turn men on and it has to involve a pole at some point according to mainstream beliefs!

Is your group mixed or all female? This might be important to help your husband start to understand what is trying to be achieved.

I think the issue I'm having with this is that it doesn't appear that you are dialoguing with your husband about this. Since you KINOW this is controversial (hence the whole reason for doing the piece in the first place) then you should have EXPECTED this response from your husband and gone in knowing that perhaps you might not do THIS particular performance but instead just put the idea on the table. In other words, is it that you want to do this particular piece and you are feeling kind of put out because you want to do what you want to do, OR can you explore this new creative impulse WITH your husband, forego this show and start to explore the concept of nude performance WITH him? If you set it up as I want to and you don't want me to then you are at immediate impasse. It's likely going to be a journey you'll have to take if you want him on board. He may work his way up to not really liking it but understanding it more.

Anyway, don't make it an ultimatum kind of thing, WORK with him on it.

What would bother me the most if I was the husband is that you agreed to do it without discussing it. It is after all sharing your naked body not buying a sweater and that you seem to value this friend's feelings more than your husbands.

I think it should have been approached differently. You should have asked him how he felt about you doing a nude piece and explained exactly what it is you would be doing. I am a woman and honestly I would be upset. My best advise is to ditch it and tell your husband out of respect you have chosen to not do it and let that be that and next time discuss this kind of thing first.

I see the need to make a point about nudity in art, but a few years ago I did see a show where all dancers were naked... It was a small local production in Canada and it didn't impress me at all (and I am not a bigot!). I just didn't understand what message nudity brought/added on the stage. Look at it from the public perspective, not only the choreographer/dancer... Nudity in art is there to express a message, not for nudity sake. What is your message? If you think that is important enough, then maybe you have a reason to engage your husband about it.

However, I'm not just thinking about my friend. It would really be a personal let down to have to step away from the nudity. I'm not considering this would be a one-time deal that I could overlook. This is something that I would hope to be open to for future performances.

Basically you are saying you want to do it, and your husband doesn't want you to. I think you need to weigh how important this is to you and if you choose to go ahead with it...you are essentially deciding that need is more important than your marriage (which you have already done since it sounds like you committed to the piece without talking to your husband first.) I am not telling you that decision is right or wrong, but you have to realize that there could be serious ramifications. Listen to his objections and and try to understand his feelings even if you disagree, and then you need to realize that asking him to accept this for who know how many future performances may not work for him and it could drive a wedge in your marriage or dissolve it all together. You need to figure out if performing nude is more important than that, and he needs to figure out if the relationship is more important so he can shift his attitude about you performing nude. I don't think either position is right or wrong.

Before I was married I was far more liberal in my relationship of 7 years of cohabitation with my boyfriend. Now that I am in a serious committed forever type of relationship, I know my husband would say, "Absolutely not!" We have a child, he runs a business, and I own my own LLC. Just not going to fly, and frankly my body is now my something that only he shares. So, I can totally understand him having an issue.

I have seen a totally nude show in Vegas and it was very artistic and well done, so I can appreciate the art, but I also understand how this could be a potentially HUGE problem in a marriage.

I think everyone has their own personal boundaroes, and they do not always align with those we end up sharing our lives with. Lets face it, for nudists/naturists sharing their naked bodies is less than buying a sweater (just to use one example from the thread). My partner and I don't share exact views on nudity outside the home, but it doesn't bother us particularly, I think we both laugh and roll our eyes at each other when we disagree, would he try to stop me performing nude, no he wouldn't.

I sort of relate to what get_over_it is going through, years ago when I was paying my bills acting in small theatre companys I had a long term boyfriend (3+years), who one day lost it about the fact I was kissing men on stage who were not him, that I needed to turn down parts that involved any physical interaction with male characters (when challenged he did also include females as well), that he was banning me from doing this, and that if I did not change what I was doing he would leave me. This came totally out of the blue, we had been together about 2 years at the time, were living together and he knew what I did for work the whole time, this wasn't just for fun, this was paying my bills, I would say it was simmering under the surface and he snapped. Obviously in this case boyfriend does not equal husband, but I called his bluff, that i wasn't going to change what I did, that I wasn't going to change myself for him, there was a lot of talk over that in our house, we got to the bottom of quite a few issues once the gates were opened, eventually we did break up but not over that.

I think you did need to tell your husband, better that he found out now with time to get his head around it than at the performance! I think you need to engage in dialogue with your husband rather than just pulling out of the performance to respect his wishes, you may choose to step down from the performance out of that dialogue, but you may not, I think both sides need to be able to get everything out in the open here (and I know him shutting down isn't making this easier of course). Could he come to a rehearsal, see what you are doing before it gets to the performance stage? If his fear is that you are doing something sexual, he can see before hand that it is art?

I like the way WebstAr worded it
"Marriage is not just about keeping your husband happy, though. Just like it's not just his job to keep you happy. It's about working together to keep both of you happy."

You made the decision to be married and there is nothing wrong with that but you gotta understand what goes with this sometimes. Did you have any inkling that your husband may act this way if something like this (nude performance) would ever come up? Did you ever get him on this topic prior to marriage? If so, then I am afraid you guys are going to really have to have a "come to us meeting" or your marriage is going to be an unmitigated nightmare.
I think I was at about the 12 year point in my marriage (now divorced) when I asked my now ex-wife "if I could take up an adult ballet class"? She firmly, said "no". I had taken ballet as a very young man and I never got it out of my system. Having said that "I should have told her when we dated of my desire to continue with dance". We just did not have much in common and that was both of our faults. When she said "no" though, I honored her wishes as she was my wife and I understood that unreasonable as I thought she was being, that sometimes you have to take one for the team. I chose to get married and chose to accept this.
Since my divorce I've gotten back into dance. Not too surprisingly, I met and dated some female dancers along the way. The two I dated had previously, danced professionally. Both of them early on, came completely clean with me about the fact that they had performed semi-nude. Both of them had also kept this fact from their former spouses. As for myself, I really did not give a hoot about it but I appreciated their forthrightness.
Guys and Gals, really, really, really, get to know the person you may want to marry. Sounds ridiculous and seems like common sense but the divorce rate is some areas is as high as 70%. Behind Christ, marriage is the singular most important decision that you will ever make. Think it over good.

Greg, I was seriously shocked when I read your post. I mean some things are marriage deal breakers and I could see dancing around naked tastefully or otherwise being one but simply wanting to take ballet?

I get that there are the big issues you need to figure out before marriage, do you both want kids? What are your money spending habits? what are your morals and values but I would never think to ask my future spouse if at some point it would be okay for me to take a ballet class or not. Sorry to hijack I just had to voice my thoughts on how ridiculous that is.

aerial wrote:

I would never think to ask my future spouse if at some point it would be okay for me to take a ballet class or not. Sorry to hijack I just had to voice my thoughts on how ridiculous that is.

Yes, it is ridiculous and therefore, we all totally understand why this woman is his EXwife. Often, when one spouse exercises VETO power over something like this there are deeper issues involved. Power, resentment, money. I'm sorry the marriage didn't work out, but really, with this dynamic of "No freedom or growth allowed in marriage" it must have been doomed from the start.

Greg's point, however, when removed from the ridiculous,is well taken. Sometimes in marriage, you have to give into the ridiculous if you hope to participate in the sublime. Marriage is much, much, harder than anyone ever imagines when they are all a twitter with romantic love.

Keep On Dancing*

So, get_over_it, what did you end up deciding? I'm interested in hearing how things turned (or are turning) out. Though it's been 3 weeks and you haven't come back to this thread, even though you're last activity was today, so I think I can guess.

Out of curiosity, is your husband as young as you are?

For the record, in regards to the original post, I agree 100% with imadanseur. And most of the other replies too. Sound advice all around.

~*~Punkgirl~*~

Long live punk rocK