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My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Meglyn
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 04:36 AM

My best friend and his wife have been having marital problems lately, I found out that she was having an affair with A and I only recently told him about it, (I know I should have done it sooner, but I didn't) He also found out that she had been lying about a number of things.
He took her back saying that he wants an honest open relationship because he wants to make the marriage work because they have children. I told him that I do not support his decision, but I will stand by him with what ever decision he decides to make. This was 2 weeks ago.

So he thought that everything was going to work and things were going to go back to normal, however the following has happened this weekend.

She told my friend that she was going out with a work collegue and didn't know where they were going, she told him this as she was getting in the car on Saturday morning. Then she arrived home with A's daughter. So he asked her why she had come to their house his wife said that they had arranged to go shopping newar when his daughter works. So he asked her when this was arranged, she told him on Friday - Lie Number 1.

She then told him that she only had R100 left in her bank account for her to spend for the rest of the month. He went through her bag (while she watched) and found a slip that said that she had over R1000 in her bank account and that was on the Saturday - Lie Number 2.

Then while he was going through her bag he found a piece of paper she had written on which said Maxwell Clinic - 4th Floor - 08h30. He asked her what it was and she said that it was a Chineese shop they wanted to go and shop at, but said they never went, however she used his car which has a tracker in it and it shows that she was there - Lie Number 3

My friend went to the building because he wanted to prove to himself that she was telling the truth that it was a Chineese shop, instead he found an Abortion Clinic - Lie Number 4

When he confronted her, she said that he was wrong and that there was a shop there so he put her in the car and as they got to the entrance and he said get out and show me this shop she admitted that they went to the clinic.

He asked why they went and she said that she had taken A's daughter to see a gynacologist. When he phoned they clinic said that they are purely for abortions only and there are no gynacologists on their staff - Lie Number 5

So he confronted her again and she said fine I took A's daughter for an abortion. Both my best friend and I highly doubt this, because all the evidence points to her having had the abortion.

He knows that she was late this month, and when she came home on Saturday, she was cramping and bleeding and just said that it was that time of the month. Then on Sunday morning she started bleeding again and she used a pad, which she never uses and she was spotting again this morning. He does not believe that she is telling the truth and believes that she is the one who has had an abortion not the other girl.

I phoned the clinic and I asked them if I needed to bring my husband in if I wanted an abortion and they said no that it is my choice and that I was the only one who has the say in what happens. And in a way I find that is not right!!

I just wanted to know if there is anyway someone would be able to find out is she had an abortion. I know it is her choice, but it is his choice too, it was also his and he wanted another child and a while ago so did she. I am wondering if she did it because she is thinking of leaving him and doesn't want another baby with him. I know it can deffinately not the other guys baby because he is unable to have anymore children.

31 Replies to My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion

re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By teenydanseur
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 05:16 AM
No and stay out of this situation.

Neither party is being rational in this situation and if you don't have to be a part of it, not directly involved, don't be. Besides that it really is none of your business and you'll have no way of finding out if she got an abortion, neither will her husband. Medical records and your ability to keep them private have nothing to do with how nice or fair you are, and we should all be grateful for that, you included.

Leave this situation alone.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By reel_faerie85member has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 05:18 AM
I don't think there is a way of finding out unfortunately.

However, this seems to be a very toxic relationship full of lies and deceit (although we have no proof so I am not pointing the finger) and there is obviously no trust. You are being a great friend, but don't get too involved, its a car crash waiting to happen and you don't want to get dragged into it and cited in any divorces or whatnot.

If she had an abortion herself that is her choice, and unfortunately for the father, he does not have a choice and does not have to be informed. (Thats here in the UK anyway).
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 12)
By Anon1234567890member has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 05:31 AM
Edited by Louise (29559) on 2010-11-16 05:39:57 Hit post too soon.
Edited by Louise (29559) on 2010-11-16 05:41:52
Edited by Louise (29559) on 2010-11-16 05:47:48
I was pretty shocked from start to finish reading this and probably not for the reason you'll expect.

You REALLY need to stay out of this guy's marriage. You probably shouldn't even have told him his wife was/is allegedly cheating on him. Your role as his best friend is a shoulder to cry on - not a private detective. How dare you go behind her back and try to find out whether she had an abortion or not?! Look, it's obvious that you really hate this woman, and I'm assuming you probably want your best friend to be more than a best friend, but that doesn't give you the right. Whether they're having marital problems or not, people don't breeze into an abortion clinic, have their procedure and then go and get their nails done. She probably thought long and hard and may feel terrible about it. She's just dropped 90% of her money on a procedure she felt she couldn't tell her husband about - how do YOU know what she's feeling/going through? You don't get to judge her and you certainly don't get to investigate her as if she's a criminal!

You are only hearing one side of the story here - if you heard my dad's account of his divorce you'd cry your eyes out for him, but the fact is that they weren't right for each other and he wasn't the best husband ever. But he's not going to be able to see that, is he? Same as your friend won't necessarily be aware of any wrongdoing on his part. Obviously his wife should be communicating better but again - THEIR problem, not YOUR problem.

I just find this all very scary. You know that her alleged lover can't have kids? How the heck do you know that and why? Your friend is also far too free and easy with the information he's putting out there. Giving detailed descriptions of what's happening inside his wife's pants?! Wrong, wrong, wrong. He drove her to the clinic and asked her which shop she went to? What about talking to each other, giving her an opportunity to tell the truth without marching her around the town? What about suggesting marriage counselling, giving her the opportunity to explain why she's being driven to act this way?

Going back to the "one side of the story" thing, perhaps this act of dragging her to the clinic is pretty typical of his approach to problem-solving within the marriage. It's not good enough. I'd say it was a pretty big show of aggression actually - not violent aggression, but aggression nonetheless.

Stay out of it. A marriage is between a husband and a wife, not a husband and a wife and a best friend. Tell him you'll happily listen to his problems but stop him if he gets too TMI (you don't need to know the viscosity of her monthly cycle, for example), and absolutely do NOT take it upon yourself to harrass and hound this woman by trying to find out private and confidential medical information.

I phoned the clinic and I asked them if I needed to bring my husband in if I wanted an abortion and they said no that it is my choice and that I was the only one who has the say in what happens. And in a way I find that is not right!!

It's the law. Legally the father of the child has no say, whether he's married to the mom or not, whether he wants the kid or not, at least in my country and in most other countries.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By amarathPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 06:59 AM
There are two people in a marriage; you are not one of those people; keep your eyes on your own work and your head in your own life. This is absolutely creepy, and I agree 100% with Louise.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Lauretta
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 07:02 AM
I know you're doing this with the best of intentions, to help your friend, but really there was a line and you crossed it about 500 miles back. You are far too involved here, I might suggest at the expense of being involved in your own life? The only thing I can suggest to you is to step back before you get burned from this, I am certain that this woman does not need you getting on her about an abortion she may or may not have had. But even if she has had an abortion, who are you to tell her what to do with her body? It's unfortunate that men don't have any rights over what happens to an unborn child but it's an inequality that has no solution and the law is quite right in saying that a woman has the final say on what she does with her body.

Like i said, I know you want to help your friend but there's only so much you can and should be doing in this situation.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By kandykanePremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 08:17 AM
Yup, you are way too involved and you need to step back. It's not your place to be this guy's personal PI. If he wants to have his wife followed and checked up on, he needs to hire a professional. It's THEIR marriage, not yours.

You're role as 'friend' should be to listen and offer compassion, not check up her and report back.

And whether it's 'right' or not that a woman can get an abortion withpout the husband's input has no bearing at all. It's the LAW.

I remember when you posted about whether you should tell him or not. Everyone advised you not to, but you didn't listen to us and now look how that has worked out for you. I doubt you'll listen this time, either. So, have fun with all that, since you seem to have made this your own personal hobby.

kk~
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Meglyn
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 08:54 AM
Firstly I would like to clarify that in the post earlier this year, there were alot of mixed reviews, not everyone told me not to. There were a large amount of people who said he had a rigt to know, and some said that as a friend I should tell him. I kept it to myself, but when he outright asked me 2 weeks ago, I was not about to lie to him. I would have felt betrayed if he lied to me and I found out later that he knew all along.

I completely agree that I am way to involved in this marriage, and I did take a major step back from it earlier after I found that message and I seemed to have been sucked back into it. I told my friend that I didn't want to know that about his marriage problems and slowely they just crept back into our everyday conversations.

She was the one who told me she was having an affair at the begining of the year. She tended to broadcast it to all of her friends and some how she thought I would want to know. I told her that it was not fair on her husband and that she needed to make a decision with what she wanted in life. And I left it. I asked her once again after that and she told me that she had broken everything off and I belived her, I honestly was glad that she had made the decision to stay with her husband. But then I found her message admitting that she was still having an affair and things got worse from there, and I still kept all of it to myself. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I feel for anyne to have told me not to tell him have probably never been in this situation. If he found out my loved one was having an affair I would hope that he would tell me.

I am not judging her one bit, if she did have an abortion then she did it, I am only saying I don't think it is right that she is still lying in a marriage that is barely together as it is.

I was just asking a question because he asked me, I said that I have no idea and I told him that I will not have a part of finding out if she did or didn't, but I would see if there is a legal way which he would be able to do it. Thats the reason I asked the question. Yes I wrote a whole long speach, but I needed to blow off some steam, because I did not say any of those things to him, I just needed to say it to someone.

I dont absolutely hate this woman, I always hoped that their marriage would work. If I do sound a bit anti towards her it is only because I found out that she has been talking about me behind my back and spreading completely false roumors about me and it very difficult to deal with knowing that someone who you thought was your friend has been talking about you!!!!

Please can someone also explain to me how you can't be a girl who is best friends with a guy without any underlying intentions. I am in an extremely happy commited relationship with my best friends brother, so for someone to say that it seems I am wanting something else out of our friendship is compltely hurtful! I want his marriage to work, nothing other than that, I just want him to be happy aswel!
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:00 AM
I pray to the deity of your choice that if Jim ever up and decides to cheat on me, that he doesn't have any friends like you. Yowza.

It wasn't your place to tell him. IT WASN'T YOUR PLACE TO TELL HIM.

It is not your place to call the abortion clinic.

You have no business knowing her checking account balance.

You have no business being involved in any of this. Tell both of them that you'll talk to them when they get their crap together, and hang up the phone.

I think guys and girls can be friends without ill intentions. I don't think YOU can though.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By SaraTheGrouchmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:01 AM
You SERIOUSLY need to start minding your own business. You have no business playing Private Detective in your friend's marriage. The fact that you know all of that stuff and want to know more, is, as mentioned above, CREEPY. You need another hobby.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Trout
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:08 AM
If she did have an abortion, so what?

Their marriage was toxic before any of that was brought up, it's not like this would have been the first problem. Anyway the procedure is already done, there's nothing anyone can do about it now.

I'm wondering if these aren't just two people who love drama and attention. Many people who have trouble in their marriage choose to keep this between themselves. However, these people are telling EVERYONE, EVERYTHING. You, the husband's friend, know about his wife's vaginal bleeding? That's just weird.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 4)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:08 AM
The problem that I see here is that he is obviously closer to you emotionally than he is his wife. This isn't going to be popular, but that is emotional infidelity and can REALLY mess up a marriage. That in no way means you can't be friends, but you need to step back and stop meeting/talking with him one-on-one. Especially if you're both in committed relationships. It's neither appropriate nor conducive to a healthy relationship with your own SO's if you're doing that.

There is a very fine line that you have to walk when your best friend is of the opposite sex and married. I have a very close guy friend that Hubby and I hang out with and talk to a lot, but I always make sure that there are other people in on our conversation or whatever. It's not that I'd cheat, but WHY would I even put myself in the situation that facilitates cheating? and yes, you can emotionally cheat on someone even if you're keeping your hands to yourself.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:28 AM
You don't sound like a best friend, you sound like a prosecutor.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By panicmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:31 AM
OMG, do not blame THEM for YOUR drama. They didn't force you to get involved. They didn't suck you in. You sucked yourself. That sounds wrong. And even if they told you all this stuff against your will, your ridiculous actions are your own responsibility. You really need to take off your deerstalker, put down that magnifying glass, and delete the Mission Impossible theme song from your iPod because you are not a private investigator. You're not even a good friend because you're TOTALLY interfering in his marriage. And this has nothing to do with your being a woman - this has to do with your being a meddler and a gossip. If you're NOT trying to steal this woman's husband, why are you acting this way? This is not how friends behave.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 1)
By LlamaLlamaDuckmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 09:41 AM
Clearly there are issues in the marriage... I know I would be livid if my husband were snooping through my stuff... though I have nothing to hide from him. Going through the car tracker to see where she has gone... going through her purse... etc.... there is obviously no trust in the relationship.

Really though best to just step aside, you really don't want to get stuck in the crossfire.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By ChristinePremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:03 AM
Your friend only has two choices.

He can divorce his wife, in which case out of respect to his children he should keep the dirty details to himself,

OR

He can stay with his wife and spend as much time in therapy as he spends investigating and confiding marital intimacies to outsiders, in which case,out of respect to the marriage he hopes to save, he should keep the dirty details to himself.

This man isn't doing you any favor by burdening you with this dysfunctional relationship. Wife ALWAYS trumps best friend, regardless of the best friend's gender. You have so many other heartaches in your own life right now with loosing your sister's boyfriend in the motorcycle accident and now her own mourning. It is possible that your own emotions are so raw right now you are not doing your best thinking or decision making in regards to the boundaries of a good friendship.

Please...for your sake, and your friends', let a professional, either a counselor or a lawyer, help them work through this. Do not even express an opinion about what you think they should do. You don't have to live with the consequences, they do.

Keep On Dancing*
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Meglyn
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:21 AM
Theresa wrote:


It wasn't your place to tell him. IT WASN'T YOUR PLACE TO TELL HIM.

It is not your place to call the abortion clinic.

You have no business knowing her checking account balance.


I firmly belive that everyone has their own opinion, and telling me that I shouldn't have told him is your opinion. I feel that I did the right thing and NO ONE will ever make me feel that I did the wrong thing. I thought about it for a long time and I know I made the right decision in the end, even if no one else agrees with me.

Just to also to make another thing clear, I did NOT phone the abortion clinic and I did NOT go through her bank accounts, this is stuff that he told me, but when he did I offered no advice and I just said that I hope they are able to sort things out.

SaraTheGrouch wrote:


The fact that you know all of that stuff and want to know more, is, as mentioned above, CREEPY.


Just to make this clear, I simply asked a question I do not want to know any more than I do.

I honestly feel that this post has gone very south, I was asking for advise and it seemed to have become more of an attack on me then anything else. I have admitted that I was wrong to have gotten so involved in their marriage and I really wish I hadn't.

To be told that I am unable to have a friendship with this guy is extremely uncalled for. You don't know what I have been through in my life and why we became so close in the first place. I could write you a 10 page essay so that you could perhapse understand everything properly but I doubt that anyone would really like to read that.

I never knew about an emotional affair until a couple of months ago when my friend told me, I then took an even bigger step back from our friendship and told him we need to cool it with our friendship and we stoped talking as often as we did. Thats one thing we never did with our friendship, we never saw eachother one on one, there have always been people around us.

I don't know what difference it makes if she had an abortion or not. It was her decisin to make, I still feel that she should have told him about it before she did it, even after, but atlease be honest about it. My only question I wanted to ask was if there is a legal way for anyone to find out about it.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 1)
By LlamaLlamaDuckmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:25 AM
you know despite what everyone else has said, I would appreciate it if someone who knew 100% for sure that my husband was having an affair told me about it.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By kandykanePremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:28 AM
No. There is no way to find out from the clinic. Perhaps, if he was to consult a lawyer, he would find this out for himself. The only way I am aware to disclose medical records would be if they were to be subpeonaed by a court of law.

And you admitted you DID phone the clinic, albeit be it for general privacy information (which applied specifically to your friend's situation).

kk~
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Anon1234567890member has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:29 AM
I was asking for advise and it seemed to have become more of an attack on me then anything else.

You are receiving advice. The advice is to stay out of their marriage and don't involve yourself in any more investigating. The advice is that you CAN'T find out whether she's had an abortion yet, not just because it's morally reprehensible to TRY and find out, but because THEY WON'T TELL YOU OR HIM. You only feel that it's an attack because we haven't given you exactly what you want to hear, called his wife a colossal B, and told you exactly how you can find out whether she had an abortion yet.

People aren't saying you need to stop being friends with him just because you're a girl and he's a boy. They're saying you need to back off because whether you want to believe it or not, his weird closeness with you is likely a cause if not a major cause of their marital strife. I'm sure you could give us the sob story of the century, but if you value his friendship then you need to do everything you can to help him save his marriage. That doesn't mean snooping, it means staying out of it. For as long as it takes them to either work it out or call it off.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Meglyn
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:41 AM
Sorry I did say I phoned the abortion clinic, I ment to say that I phoned an abortion clinic which is close to my home.
I do appologise that my english is not 100% so I am prob not explaining myself properly and I am prob not reading everyone's posts correctly either.
I don't want you to call her a colossil B, I mean it is her life she can do what ever she wants, the biggest thing I am upset about is her talking behind my back about me.
I hope that they can work out their marriage and I hope that if he does find anything out that it wasn't her that got it done. I hope that she is telling the truth about this whole thing so that they can work things out.
At least now I can tell him there is no possible way unless he gets a lawyer involved. What he does with that is his decision.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By seacaptain
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:43 AM
Being told information isn't what's making this an issue (though, "omg" isn't there a point when you say STOP, too much info, i REALLY don't need to know this!" ?)

Listening is fine, taking ANY action what so ever is overstepping your bounds. This post counts as an action.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 1)
By kandykanePremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:55 AM
Maybe she's talking about you behind your back because you are overly involved with her husband and her marriage. Just a thought.

And you are doing the same thing to her. Talking about her behind her back. Calling her a liar and a cheat and telling untold numbers of people about her private medical records and bleeding patterns. You've put yourself on her level.

kk~
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion (karma: 1)
By LoriCook
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:04 AM
I seriously hope the poor woman isn't tootling around google one day and suddenly runs across this post. Why wasn't this anonymous? Just because she is talking about you behind your back doesn't mean you should stoop to that level. You could have posted your question anonymously, without all of the gory details, and wouldn't have gotten any flack.
re: My best friend thinks his wife had an abortion
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:17 AM
kandykane wrote:

Maybe she's talking about you behind your back because you are overly involved with her husband and her marriage. Just a thought.


Quoted for truth. If ANYONE- woman or man- got that involved in my marriage you bet I'd be ticked. I'm not one to talk behind someone's back in the first place (that sounds SO high school) but you bet I'd tell her to butt out.
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