Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Guy with kids anyone?
By YoungDandymember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 01:41 AM
Moved to Girls & Guys PG-13 by Chaconne (182529) on 2010-11-25 07:54:46 From person family experience this is NOT a Girls Only subject

So I am currently in a long-term relationship with a guy who has a young daughter (she's 3). I am in love with this guy and we are both very happy together. We enjoy each others company and plan on staying together for a long time. He's in his early mid twenties, a couple of years older than me and had a child quite young. At times it doesnt bother me, but then theres days where it sort of eats at me a bit.

Shes a great kid and I adore her and she loves to spend time with me, but I always made myself promise to never date anyone with children while I was young. I'm only 20 and having to take a child into account a lot of the time sometimes feels like a bit too much for me. Sometimes its me being selfish because I dont like sharing his attention... oh that sounds really bad and I'm sorry but I think it may be true :(

I think it should be said that he doesnt have custody of the child, he has her every occasional weekend but is talking about having her every seconds weekend. I try and encourage him to see his daughter more routinely than he does now but I have such mixed feelings about it that sometimes I feel like im lying through my teeth.


When she comes round to visit I enjoy her company and we spend more time together then her and my boyfriend do. We "play" together, watch kiddie shows, go to the park. She wont even go to my boyfriend when I'm there because she would rather be with me. So I cant say that I would wish he didnt have her because I love her and she's a part of my life now, I just feel really bad for having nagative feelings about him having a child, thats all.


I want his daughter to grow up with her dad around and I know my boyfriend will regret if he's not there to see her grow up. Its just so hard for me to get over it for some reason! I think Ive just grown up believing that a guy with a kid is a bad thing!

Is there anyone in the same sort of situation? How do you feel about it and whats a good positive way to look at it?

11 Replies to Guy with kids anyone?

re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Anon1234567890member has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 03:27 AM
There are only two reasons that people say a guy with a kid is a bad idea.

1) Because they think he knocked up the girl and then left - they don't take into account that she might have left him or that they might have been in a loving relationship, not just a one-night stand.

2) Because most women don't like the idea of their first child not also being their husband's first child.

Neither of those things are fair on the man and at least the first one doesn't apply in your situation. Perhaps the second one is subconciously bothering you but still, it's not a fair reason to not stay involved with him. There's actually nothing wrong with getting involved with someone with a child, so long as they're actually a good father, which your boyfriend clearly is.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you feeling a little resentful even though you love her. People get these feelings in all sorts of situations - a sick sibling getting more attention, jealous of a friend getting engaged, that kind of thing. We are selfish beings and so long asit doesn't get out of hand, I don't think we should have to apologise for that.

I think you just need to put it into perspective. I'm assuming you live with him? In which case you get to see him every day, and if his visitation rights change, he'll get to see her for 52 days of the year. You'll get a whole week, weekend, and then another week with him in between her visits. If he's not giving you enough attention during all that time then either he's not a good boyfriend or you're too demanding. He's obviously going to pay more attention to the kid than to you while she's there. If he didn't, he'd be a really crappy father and then you wouldn't want to be with him for that either.

I'd actually enjoy this time. When I was younger one of my friends went to her dad's every other weekend - but as we became teenagers it was more a case of "I HAVE to go and see dad" rather than "I GET to see my dad". It became an inconvenience - he lived out in the countryside and she wanted to see her friends at weekends. So the visits became less and less, and then she went off to Uni, and only now as an adult does she see anything of him. That mustn't have been nice for him and if it was the same for your boyfriend, you'd be the one picking up the pieces. On the other hand you could have a situation where life with mom gets a bit stifling and kid wants to live with dad full-time. So, you probably have an ideal situation right now whether you can see it yet or not.

I guess plenty of people would say you're too young to be "burdened" with someone else's child but what are you going to do? You can't break up with someone because of what anyone else thinks. If you love the man and the child, and you're still "in love" with him, then you don't have an issue. You only have to be a stepmom once a fortnight.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Lauretta
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 06:08 AM

There are only two reasons that people say a guy with a kid is a bad idea.

1) Because they think he knocked up the girl and then left - they don't take into account that she might have left him or that they might have been in a loving relationship, not just a one-night stand.

2) Because most women don't like the idea of their first child not also being their husband's first child.



There is a #3 - I have experience of being a stepchild and would never, ever be a stepmother even if a guy was perfect for me because it was such a bad experience. I may be better equipped to be a stepmother than my stepdad was but it's too much for me to think about. So if anyone asked my opinion I would highlight the potential difficulties of being a stepparent that you might not get with parenting your own child.

Anyway I think your feelings are pretty normal to be honest but as you say you have a good relationship with his daughter then I don't think your problems are insurmountable. Obviously you are quite young, but I think you need to 100% accept that your partner and his daughter come together and maybe this will take time. It seems like you know what the right responses are in this situation, you just need time to really internalise them. I'm not sure how long you've been with your partner, but I don't see anything here that can't resolve itself in time.

I think it's important to emphasise that this is a difficult situation and by what you've said here you seem to be handling it quite well. It's normal to have some problematic feelings towards a child from your partner's previous relationship, where my stepdad went wrong is that he made it blindingly obvious to me that he had all sorts of problems with me when his issues were nothing to do with me. So the fact that you've got a good relationship with his daughter is really positive.

Not sure if any of this is all that helpful, i'm just responding from my perspective of being the child in a similar situation and maybe someone who has been a stepparent will have more practical advice for you.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By ChristinePremium member
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 07:47 AM
The "long term" relationship I'm in, with a guy with kids, is my husband and we share the children so my advice is limited. I might add, however, that my brother is divorced and his 30 year old son has been "the kid" in many a relationship since he was 2, both with his dad and his mom.

Louise is correct, that right now you are enjoying the best years with this child. Kids this age are in the moment, don't think too deeply, and don't remember life with mom and dad together.

However, if you are having doubts, please listen to that little voice in your head and think long and hard about "nightmare scenarios". Lauretta's points are well taken and unfortunately represent a huge dose of reality in this area. Whether you stay together forever, or break up later on, you are going to be in a position to cause this child heartache, even if you love her and don't want to hurt her. The situation is tough.

It is hard enough to keep a long term relationship as joyful as it is in the beginning. The more human personalities involved the more opportunity for tension and like it or not, you are already involved with him, his daughter, and on some level, the child's mother. Add the other side of the child's family, who right or wrong will never feel as kindly toward you as you deserve no matter what you do, and you've got a huge amount of stress for every important event for the next 20 years.

If your man puts you first, the child suffers eventually. Your dad is your dad is your dad. If your man puts the child first you will always feel like second best. And if you two ever have children together every issue is just magnified. Your life choices are going to be affected by the existence of this child no matter what you do, say, think, or feel. And frankly, she didn't ask to be born.

You say you are in your twenties now. How will you feel about having to deal with the teenage years when you are only in your thirties? I've know many, many, people over the years. I know very few who feel that the years spent raising teenagers were easy.

You are very wise to consider the fairness of this situation. If you feel that you love this man and this child and can't imagine your life being complete without them, you'll be able to make it work and continue to be one of the "good guys" in this little one's life. However, if you find that you're not ready for children in your life or if you know deep in your heart of hears that this relationship isn't going to last forever, consider the heartbreak this child will feel when you and her dad go your separate ways. You may end up staying in a relationship you've outgrown because of your attachment to the child instead of what is best for you.

I wish you and your guy and his kid the very, very, best. But again, you are very wise to consider the complexity of this situation. xoxo

Keep On Dancing.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By AlwaysOnStagePremium member
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 07:50 AM
To me, it comes down to the question of do you want to be a parent now, or not. I am a strong believer that if your are present in the child's life (like seeing her every weekend with her father) then you are an authority figure in her life, and are essentially a parent of hers. I also think that being a parent has certain priority requirements that need to be met (not that all parents do, but they should). So, are you ready to be a parent? At 30 years old will you be okay with having chosen to be a parent to this girl? Forty?

Your relationship with boy may be wonderful, but this child is a part of the package and it's a big one. Personally, I would walk away, because I am not ready to be a mother at 20 and I don't know any 20 year old who is. That's a part of being with him, and that's a part that would be my deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with walking away because of such a big part of his life: you're not expecting him to stop being a father, but you're not ready to fill the other part of that equation. There are other non-father guys out there.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 09:12 AM
There is a #3 - I have experience of being a stepchild and would never, ever be a stepmother even if a guy was perfect for me because it was such a bad experience. I may be better equipped to be a stepmother than my stepdad was but it's too much for me to think about.


So following that logic, when you get in your first car accident you intend to stop driving, and the first time you get food poisioning, you're going to stop eating, right?

OP, all this means to your world is that every so often, you have to baby sit. Is it really that deep? It's not like you're married to the guy. It's just that once a month or so, you spend the weekend watching cartoons.

I obviously don't plan to be dating soon, but my dating pool is getting to the age where childless guys are becoming fewer and farther between. So as long as he was a good dad, I'd have to make my peace with it.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Lauretta
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 09:41 AM
Edited by Lauretta (114873) on 2010-11-25 09:46:58
Edited by Lauretta (114873) on 2010-11-25 09:58:53

So following that logic, when you get in your first car accident you intend to stop driving, and the first time you get food poisioning, you're going to stop eating, right?


To me, those examples aren't relevant in the slightest. What does driving a car or eating food have to do with parenting your partner's child from a previous relationship? For me, being part of a step family was a very difficult time of adjusting to new interpersonal relationships and trying to find balance with the new makeup of my family, and I don't think I could be a stepparent with this kind of experience behind me. I can maybe see how being in a car crash is emotionally difficult, but food poisoning? If you cooked the food yourself then you need to increase your food hygeine knowledge, if you didn't then it's obviously not your fault and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. I get what you're saying about not letting one bad experience stop you, but I think it's a very different type of situation and sometimes one bad experience IS enough to convince someone they don't want to do something. Sometimes you can take steps yourself to make the situation less likely to reoccur, but for me this doesn't seem likely.


Anyway I think Topphilly worded it a lot better than I could at my level of experience, was trying to get to some of those points but never quite got there.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Meganmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:22 AM
One of my old friends fell in love with an older man with kids a few years ago (when we were nineteen or twenty), and at first I was pretty against it for all the reasons mentioned.

However, this guy was perfect for her, he honestly was. He is so great and suits her exactly, and once I saw how good that was, I dropped all my issues about it.

Fortunately, my friend has been an adult since exiting the womb, she's just one of those very mature, eminently reasonable kind of people, and she looked at him and his kids with the rather philosophical outlook of "Not everyone is going to like this, but I love him, he loves his children, and I am happy with him and am finding it easy to care about his children also. I guess I get more than one person's love in this bargain."

I'm not saying that girls should be rushing out to date guys with kids, but I am saying that it shouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for everyone. If he's the one for you...
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By Dancing_B
On Thu Nov 25, 2010 08:57 PM
I've been in this situation and I think Topphilly hit the nail on the head!

I hated the fact that I would come second when I put him first, but also, like Louise said, that he had shared that aspect of his life with somebody else. Being the mother of his child, the ex will always remain in his life also. You also have to remember that if you have children with him one day, these children will also be brought into this triangle. And on occassion, his daughter from the previous relationship, will come before the children he has with you.

It depends really how much this is bothering you. And how much importance you place on sharing these experiences with someone. They bothered me an awful lot and I became a jealous person that I hated.

However, if you are easy going and are able to voice your concerns to him, which in turn causes him to understand and support you rather than be defensive, then it can work amazingly and you'll have a wonderful little girl in your life.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By seacaptain
On Fri Nov 26, 2010 06:04 PM
I just want to say that not all step parent situations turn out badly. I am not naturally inclined to like them, but i've seen it work out excellently, where the step-mom is the most loving and caring person, has opened the world for the child in a way in which the child's birth mother could never do.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By YoungDandymember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Nov 26, 2010 08:56 PM
Thanks for all your input guys. At least the responses have been pretty positive which is more than what I can say from some of my friends I've talked to about this.
I guess it's one of those things I just have to learn to live with if I think the relationship is worth it, and in time it may get a little easier.
re: Guy with kids anyone?
By tuttifruttymember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Dec 07, 2010 04:00 PM
Hi! I just HAD to come into this thread (even if you're already made your mind about it) I actually posted a simmilar thread last year... and my boyfriend's daughter had just turned three

I know what you're feeling, really... is knowing there's nothing wrong with the situation but having a "gut feeling" that you're not sure this is what you're ready to do...

I don't know if you experienced this... but my friends were 100% against me dating him... is he a serial killer? is he a bad boyfriend? does he beat me? NO! he just made bad decisions that lead to being a "single dad" and the moment they met him TOTALLY changed their mind... they told me they were wrong and we're made for each other...

My parents are very traditional and strict... so I waited a while before telling them, so I could bring this "burden" on them when I knew my relationship was not transitory and I knew this was the real thing :) you know, when I felt this was serious, and surprisingly they took it very well. They know I have a little more "mature" relationship but that's ok you know? I don't have 16 anymore to be in a high school type of relationship... Im an adult and this is the man I've chosen

When you feel you are getting so caught up in the stituation just remember how much you love that man, is he a bad parent? a bad boyfriend? a bad person? no? then bingo! you found a great man who happens to come in a combo :P Maybe he could see his daughter on some days you don't hang out and this could give you a healthy space between so he can spend 1 on 1 with the child and you go out with your girlfriends and go out on your own so you don't feel like a "step mom"

I just had to put my 2 cents as I related so much :) Good luck!

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