Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

i'm crap at relationships
By dancin_til_death
On Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:22 AM

Okay so I'm reflecting heaps today and realised that 2010 was a lousy year for relationships. I'm 21, I was in 4 things and they all started wonderfully and ended up badly.

Now a lot of my friends said I just have bad taste, but why does this happen so much to me? I swear I'm nice, but its really battering to have so much screw up.

At the start of the year I wanted a relationship. I really did. So maybe that was a problem. Then I was unexperienced, so that didn't help either. 2 guys were unwilling to bear with me on that front. Then the third guy - 4 months, had a bit of an sexual issue and I was sooo suppportive (I thought the irony was crap), but it still messed up, then the last one happened to be a guy who didn't say nice things, which lowered my confidence and then made me into a clingy pathetic mess.

I suck, and I feel the fact that this has just happened SO MUCH this year is a reflection of me, and not them. Why else would it happen so much. I mean sure I made a mistep early on, but aren't I allowed to make a misstep? Why does a misstep screw it all up.

I just look at those girls who seem to have 2 year relationship after 2 year relationship, and I just don't get it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get it right?

Then an ex came into my life. This boy I was crazy about for months 2 years ago. We dated briefly, I went home for the summer, to find him dating someone WHO LOOKED LIKE ME! I stupidly kept hopes up for a few months, in which he messaged me a lot, made me feel guilty and awful. Then forgot, then last month I got a message saying I had broken up his relationship, and he wanted to hook up with me- I was like wtf... then I talked a bit, but then said no as I was too fragile, and he was a jerk (but I didn't say that).

To say I'm a bit on edge is an understatement. Two days ago, I was at a club and my crush started hitting on me. I was like YES, but later on he tried to hold my hand and kiss me and I freaked out. I demanded my friends take me home. I was really upset.

Is there some secret that I'm missing? All this failure is making me feel that there is something major that I'm missing. What is the secret? How do I find it?

4 Replies to i'm crap at relationships

re: i'm crap at relationships
By xBallet_babex
On Fri Dec 31, 2010 04:05 PM
I think you need to calm down for a minute and stop putting yourself down. You aren't a failure because your relationships failed. Most relationships end and it takes time to figure out what you want/need in a relationship, but it doesn't mean you are a failure. I've had my share of short relationships, but I learned something from each one so I wouldn't really call it a failure. As long as you learned something, don't put yourself down for a relationship ending. A lot of time things ended when it was clear it wouldn't work out long term or I saw a "red flag" or some sort...so it wasn't worth staying together. And if you weren't in GOOD relationships, there wasn't a point in staying just to date someone longer.

Don't judge your relationships based on someone else's. Every person and every relationship is different. They might be together for 2 years, but it doesn't mean it's a happy/successful relationship. Some people can't be without a relationship so they go from relationship to relationship and stay in them longer than they should. You don't always get a clear picture of what's going on from the outside.

It sounds to me like you haven't had great relationships and like you are afraid of getting hurt. It's understandable...but if you are freaking out about the possibility of being with someone again, it's probably a sign you need to take some time for yourself to work through things, get your confidence back, etc. Once you are okay by yourself, it will be easier to have a healthy relationship...and it's okay to take things slow if that's what you need to do. A good guy will understand.
re: i'm crap at relationships
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Dec 31, 2010 04:46 PM
Take a deep breathe and realize that your worth is not dependant on your relationships. Then take another and realize that you are only 21, it's not like you have some decade long history of failed relationships, you're still figuring it all out.

4 relationships in one year is a lot. I can understand how you are feeling pretty emotional at the end of your years if you had to go through the emotional rollercoaster of love four times in 1 year! I would be too!

Perhaps for 2011 your goal should be to not actively look for a guy and focus on yourself for a little while. Are you okay with being single? Are you confident with who you are as an unattached woman? Those would be some great goals for you so that you can stop comparing yourself to your friends long-term relationships.

You'll get through it all!
re: i'm crap at relationships
By dancin_til_death
On Fri Dec 31, 2010 07:08 PM
I did learn stuff from each relationship. Yet a big part of me wishes I could have just skipped it. I didn't think I ever defined myself by a boy, but I think somewhere along the line it happened. It makes me feel like a skank. I don't want to be skank.

I did realize I needed a break though, thanks for your comments.
re: i'm crap at relationships
By PureTapPremium member
On Fri Dec 31, 2010 08:33 PM
Until I was 23 years old, I think the longest time I'd had a boyfriend was about 2 weeks. I'd had plenty of 'Friends with Benefits' (note, their benefit, not mine - I'd wanted a relationship, they hadn't :( ), one weekers, one night stands, etc.

Then, at 23, I met a guy and went out with him for about six months - total failure. Completely ripped me off, had about 6 affairs behind my back, stole money from my parents and left me with a $7k debt on a car that I had co-signed a loan on. Good riddance to bad rubbish, although I completely blame myself for poor judgement and wearing rose coloured glasses.

Then, at 25, I met a man who ended up being my husband and we've now been together for 15 years, and married for 12 years.

Do I regeret the 25 previous years of failures - not on your nellie! They gave the insight and wisdom to recognise a good one when he came along and stick with him.

I'm a firm believer that, to recognise the good, you have to have at least one bad in your past to use as a yardstick.

So, don't panic yet - the right one is out there, it's just a matter of time. And you're definitely not a skank!

Cheers
Di

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