Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Relationship blues
By GrubbleBubblemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:28 AM

Hey DDN!!

So I've been going out with this guy for roughly 4 months now. We love eachother and get along perfectly. He's 25 and I'm 22 next week. He's very sweet and caring, and he makes truly happy.

But there's this one thing that's getting me down. He's obsessed about cars and during weeknights he hangs around at his mechanic's garage, helping him and so on. On friday evenings after the garage closes, we meet. On saturday early afternoon he picks me up and we go to the garage again and then once it closes we just hang and spend the night together. On sunday we spend a full day together. When the guys ask him to go out with them on Saturday nights he says no because its our time. During our first weeks together we used to meet on Wednesdays, go for a ride and just talking. Then on one wednesday evening he asked me if I mind if we go to the garage. This was my first time there and said sure. The following week we ended up there again. And even the next. Then there was a wednesday when I couldn't and then he had something, and anyway the pattern stopped. And with it, he stopped asking me to go out during week nights.

And this is bugging me. When I joked around saying that he's cheating on me with his mechanic, he said that I should know by now that I'm welcome to go next to them any day I want. And when I once texted him that I'm feeling down and bored of being alone at home studying, he offered to come pick me up and go next to them at the garage. But thats not the point! Its not what I want. He doesn't seem to realise that I don't find pleasure in staring at a guy fixing a car. Would it be such a big deal if once every so often he just picks me up and we go for a ride or a drink, just me and him?

Even on saturdays. I'd rather spend my afternoon somewhere else rather than in a garage. But I'm scared of talking to him about it. Last Saturday I overheard his friend asking him if I ever complain about being there with him, and he replied no she's an angel. And it was so heartfelt and sweet of him, that I felt bad telling him that yes I grow bored there and that I mind.

So is it selfish of me for longing for a random midweek night out with him? Where he just tells me forget the garage just for 1 night. Would you approach him about it? I don't want him feeling restrained by me or get him thinking that I'm possessive. But its really getting me down.

Thanks (:

6 Replies to Relationship blues

re: Relationship blues
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 12:00 PM
I'm curious, what is it that you guys do at the garage? Is he working on cars while you're both there? Is he chatting with the guys about car stuff? Are you being included in what's going on?

Perhaps the garage is almost a "safe zone" for him, and just somewhere where he feels comfortable. Perhaps he feels as though bringing you there is something really special for him to share with you.

For a new relationship (comparitively), it does sound like you two are spending a LOT of time together. However, its always important to focus on quality, not just quantity.

YOU can take the reins too, you know. When you call him to hang out, don't be ambiguous. Say, "let's go grab a drink" instead of "lets hang out." he shouldn't be the sole dictator of what you guys do when you gang out. Even if you just say that a night in with a movie is all that you want to do.
re: Relationship blues
By irish_mom
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 12:03 PM
Why not just proactively make plans with him for one night during the week, doing something YOU are interested in?You could either casually say "Hey, I've got 2 tickets for X on next Wednesday night, and it sounds like fun, I'd really like to go with you, will you go with me?", or you could use a different approach, something like "You know, it means so much to me that you can share things that you enjoy with me. I love that we have that kind of relationship. I really like to (or, I've always really wanted try) ____ (a hike in a special park, ice-skate, swim, watch old movies, share a special type of food, go bowling, visit museums, ride horses, fish, take a cooking class, go to concerts/plays/musicals/opera/roller derby, you get the idea...) and I'd love to share that with you, too. How about we go together on X date?" A few events/outings like that could go a long way toward expanding the parameters of your relationship.

He's clearly very comfortable sharing his world with you, now it's time for you to do the same. Once you move him a bit beyond his current comfort zone, he may be surprised to find how much he enjoys it!
re: Relationship blues
By Munkensteinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 12:23 PM
We love eachother and get along perfectly. He's 25 and I'm 22 next week. He's very sweet and caring, and he makes truly happy.

It sounds really early in the relationship to be saying those things...and it also sounds like you DON'T get along perfectly and he DOESN'T make you truly happy. I don't know any relationship where the word "perfect" can really be applied to anything.

There shouldn't be resentment starting to build, nor should you be afraid to talk to him about it. Relationships aren't about never bringing up a touchy subject so that everybody stays "happy." You two need to communicate...it sounds like everything is a boring, set pattern already and that it's not working for you.
re: Relationship blues
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 02:22 PM
First off, it's nice to see you back here. I suppose I'm as guilty of this as anyone only my thing is my symphonic music which is likely as important to me as cars are with your boyfriend. I think in the early stages of our marriage my wife may have had the feeling that she was playing 2nd fiddle...to a fiddle, my violin.

We had to work out a modus vivendi on this. She needed attention from me (fair enough) and I still needed some time to indulge my passion, which in the case of violin playing was something I had spent years acquiring, starting from childhood.

So the compromise was that at that time, I would limit the number of groups and times per week I did this. (In the meantime we also had children and a few years later she embarked upon a teaching career.) We made it a hard and fast rule that I wouldn't play anywhere during summers when she was off from school. This was our time together. Actually some of my own career complications and travel prevented me from doing all that much playing in my mid-career, but the bonus was that she was often able to tag along with me on my business trips during times she wasn't teaching.

Sometimes, the shoe is on the other foot. Late in her career, she became a school principal, a job which actually runs year around. When other teachers are off, the principal, among many other things has to be around to ready the school, oversee repairs, interview and hire replacement staff a true 7 AM to 7 PM sort of a job, and I had to make the accomdation.

But we always talked it over and made a game plan. Hobby passions are great, but one can't let them be all-consuming.

Jon
re: Relationship blues
By Celebrianmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 06:50 PM
If you want just one night away from the garage a week, honestly tell him that. I think that's more than acceptable seeing as how he's there all of the time.

Also if and when you tell him, be very clear about your feelings and don't leave anything to innuendo. Don't hint at this or that. Of course you can be tactful and nice, but please don't do it in a joking way or something. He needs to understand that this is really how you feel and then it's up to him to take it from there or not.

Asking for one night a week, just you and he alone or going someplace else, is not at all being restrictive or possessive. If you said 'don't ever go back there ever ever ever AGAIN!' that would be restrictive and possessive. But that's not what you're doing. It's okay to speak up for yourself. As a matter of fact if you want a healthy relationship, its necessary to speak up for yourself.
re: Relationship blues
By GrubbleBubblemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:46 PM
Thank you all very much!! I'll act on your advice and see how it goes. It is his safe zone and passion and I respect that but maybe for once a week we can step out of that.

WebstAr, its mostly guys talking about cars nonstop at the garage. And sometimes when there's a big interesting project on a car going on they help around with the spraying, cleaning, etc. I am included and he makes a huge effort to explain to me things when I'm lost.

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