Hi, I would appreciate advice from experienced parents. My children started dancing 8 months ago and entered a few competitions.

The under 7 year olds are judged and awarded medals the same as the older children. I suggested that they give something to all the little ones as a token for getting up there and having a go. Something like 'well done' or 'you tried hard. If a kid wins a medal then that's great but they only award so many medals according to the number of entrants. eg. If four compete, then they award one first place. If six compete they award a first and a second and so one.

My suggestion went down like a lead balloon. And I was told 'It's not toddlers and tiaras'.

I don't want to get sucked into the politics but it seemed like an innocent suggestion. Should I just sit and be quiet for the sake of my children.?

Has anyone else experienced this?

It was an innocent suggestion. Up here in Canada, we can compete in competitions or festivals. Competitions have the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and festivals they don't. Each group is given a mark and a medal based on their performance. They award an Outstanding in each category for the top mark, a choreography award and a Most Promising award that consists of a trophy or plaque.

Not sure what your studio enters, but ours does both.

As far as politics, I've learned to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut, some of those moms can be vicious! A good book or an ipod helps. Good luck and welcome to the world of dance!

Can't you as a parent celebrate their success?

This might sound harsh, but I don't think everyone needs to be recognized with a trophy, or a medal or a ribbon. It's a competition. I think kids need to learn that sometimes you get a medal, and sometimes you get the thrill of participating in something and trying your best.

Hi I would consider finding a new dance school if this one is not open to suggestions. I would suggest you take a medal or a bag of sweets with you and give here the praise she deserves when she comes off the dance floor. I no it's competitive dance but the children should be cheering each other on and above all they should be having fun.

When I was little I didn't win very often so I didn't collect trophies and medals the way some other kids did. But my dad was always in the audience and he always thought I was the best dancer in the universe. He was so obviously proud of me that unless I did *really* badly (completely forget a step or something) his pride was reward enough for me. He would often also take me out for a treat afterwards - an ice-cream, going to the video shop to rent my favourite movies, something that made me feel like I deserved a bit of extra fuss.

I'm now 25. I don't have a massive collection of trophies and medals. Those I did win are really special because they marked how hard I worked (this is mostly when I was older), and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Even now as I write this I'm so grateful for my amazing father and the fact that no matter how long the day was and how many stage mums he had to deal with or how far we had to travel he was always my biggest fan. I truly treasure those memories. In fact, I'm going to call him now for a chat.

Your children can have an incredibly rewarding time in the dance world and you don't need awards for that to happen. I would recommend staying out of school politics (especially as you're a 'new' parent in the group and parents often don't like the newbies speaking up) and just focusing on those lovely children.

Vicmum, I think you are talking about Primary Highland dancers, right? And was it the dance school people or the competition organisers? Of course they may well be the same people, but wearing different hats, as it were!

It depends on the competition organiser how they award primary sections, but even if they tell the judge to place everyone, the judge can still say "Well, only two children finished the Fling and only one turned the right way the whole way throughout the dance, son only first and second will be awarded." Most comps here have all the primaries line up after their four dances are finished and they get a big clap from the audience and sometimes a keepsake, like a bookmark or small teddy, in addition to any medals individuals may have won.

I'd suggest looking for this question on the highland boards, as we have had similar discussions before about judges' places, awards, placings, etc, about both primary and other pre-premier sections.

C.

PS, I can PM you if you want- just reply on this thread and I'll see it.

If everyone gets a prize then why would anyone bother striving?

Helen

I agree with Helen. We are so afraid to let our children fail, to suffer disappointment, to come in last...but there are such good life lessons to be had in experiencing failure.

My son has a few ribbons (and even a 4th out of 4 trophy!) for coming in last. They surprisingly hold meaning for him and maybe that is why we keep perpetuating the "everyone wins" game.

But the problem seems that you weren't too happy with the way your idea was shot down. The toddlers and tiaras remark was meanspirited. It would depend on who said it as to how I would react. If it is the dance teacher I would be pretty unhappy and less likely to make any suggestions in the future. If it was a snarky fellow parent I would ignore him/her and keep speaking my mind. Chances are the other parents are tired of that person's negativity as well.

Thankyou everyone for your comments. They have all been different and very helpful.
I think I was hurt at being 'shot down' and perhaps if there had been more thoughtful conversation like this at the time I would have felt much better.
I will be looking at things from a different angle now and trying to encourge them in a more productive way.

Thanks again

ps. tassiemum I cant send a pm yet. so I will wait to hear from you.

I think a lot of people feel very strongly about this issue. There is very much an "everyone is a winner" thing happening for kids. In young soccer games they don't keep score. In dance comps they might give everyone on award or give out medals to 89th place.

Many people are worried that kids have not learned to lose. They feel they will have difficulty coping with disappointment when they are older if they reach age 7 or 8 and have never lost at anything or never gone away empty handed before.

I think they already have rules in place to avoid too much disappointment. The fact that they only give out 1st place when there are 4 groups competing is good. because if they gave out the traditional 1st, 2nd and 3rd that would leave one group with nothing. Even if they gave out 1st-4th it would leave that group knowing they came last.

If children participate in an activity that rewards participation, regardless of "superlatives" there may well be an award for completing the task. Scouting and library young readers clubs are two examples. The kids don't have to be "the best" to have their achievements rewarded, but they do need to complete what they started be it a reading list or a badge requirement.

In competitions, be it dance, cheer, or other sports, there are "winners". If twelve kids compete, and three take "1st, 2nd, and 3rd", that means 9 kids learn to be good sports, learn to congratulate the winners and have something to strive for. If they ever place in the top three, their award will mean much more.

I happen to think dance shouldn't be competitive. My point of view isn't popular with many, I know, but I feel dance is an art form and there is room for everyone to perform and feel good about themselves. I do think however, that if you "compete", there is no point in giving everyone a prize. If you want to "win", you have to learn to loose gracefully. That said, I do give participation awards, certificates, and sometimes ribbons or metals at the end of the year so the kids can have a tangible memento of their accomplishment, much like a girl scout badge.

Keep On Dancing*

I think that having your suggestion ignored, is not good, but are you saying that they did not take the suggestion or that they poo-poohed it?

Honestly, I see nothing wrong, as a parent of children who competed, with a child walking away with nothing. As long as they are prepared for the fact that it can happen, it is a good lesson in learning, even at that age, to accept disappointments. Kids usually read the parents and will follow their lead.

If you show that it was not important to win but that you are thrilled with the effort, that is all a child really needs. They crave what the parent thinks more than anything.

My parents, when I competed, let it be MY thing. They never spoke up if they thought it was not fair. They were there to congratulate me, support me, etc. If I did not win it was, "It does not matter. We love you no matter what," and "you cannot win all the time, just work hard it you love it."

I was never devastated by losing. Disappointed, yes, but I knew that it was all up to me to work harder if I wanted and I learned that no matter how good you are, judging is still opinion based on experience and knowledge. Yes, judges will be influenced by their own preferences, too.

My parents never put down the judges, the teachers, etc. It was what it was and I never felt stressed, annoyed, etc.

As a teacher, I have, sadly, been around parents who butt in too much and it really hurt the kids. I always told them to just be the cheerleader and leave the rest to the experienced and knowledgeable teachers. Then the kids will have the best experience ever.

my daughter just started comps and is under 6 and she has gotten a trophy every time for freestyle just for entering and she was so excited every time its only right

oz_helen wrote:

If everyone gets a prize then why would anyone bother striving?

Helen

And welcome to the miracle of the adjunicated scoring system. Everyone leaves with a trophy, assigned on the number of points you score.

I think that simply being completely open with your children about winning and losing and the ups and downs of life, etc. will go a long way. sheltering our children too much can actually hurt them in the long run. I agree that all of the advice that has been given is very helpful and insightful. I honestly think we as parents hurt more than the child.(smile)