I didn't know where to post this... but I thought it fit into Married Life even though it's not about marriage.

Have any of you heard about Living apart together? Basically, a couple in a committed relationship that decided to live in 2 separate houses for different reasons. From the articles I read, the couples chose to focus on the good parts of a relationship like romantic dates and fun stuff.. and less on chores, parenting, stress etc. Some of them did have kids though.. The couple still sees each other on a regular basis (like every weekend and a day during the week) and they alternate who visits who.

en.wikipedia.org . . .

Do you know anyone who has a similar arrangement? Are they happy? Do you think it makes a couple stronger or is it a lack of committment?

I always thought couples had to live together at some point in their life, married or not. But I also find a lot of the "magic" can be lost by living together. When you see the other person too much, you don't end missing them. Quality time goes down but quantity goes up. But I also find it shows how serious the relationship is. I'm debating over that. I don't really know anymore.

What do you guys think? I obviously know every relationship is different and yada yada but I would like to hear from you.

I'm doing it. Been doing it for.... well over ten years. The romance was gone before then so I don't see that as a relative point, in my case. It had more to do with his job and then I never moved to join him because I did not want to haul my kids around, we own a house here and he overuses alcohol. We have very separate lives but still have family ties, history, financial committments.

We see each other about twice a year, at family events and holidays. We get along fine in small doses, (as long as he keeps his alcohol use out of my sight and smell).

I know several other families who live separately for various reasons.

EDIT: I'm going to add a few thoughts - I am a solo sleeper. I like to sleep in the middle of the bed and I detest bed companions snoring, kicking and hogging covers! I like my sleep and am in a much better mood when I sleep alone.

Bathroom - I do NOT share a bathroom. I like my own space, toilet, sink, shower, etc. Shaving hairs and residue absolutely gross me out, as well as someone else's unflushed toilet!!!

Both bedroom closets are mine. Always a plus for a woman.

Little things rarely get bickered over. No time. Conversations include mostly important stuff. When we are together, if something little bothers me, I just remind myself, "he'll be gone soon".

kk~

I know a friend of mine who lives down the road from her other half. Its just their way. They like it that way.

Also a lot of military families choose to live off camp and I have often heard it said that they couldn't live together full time.

My motto is go with whatever suits at the time. Nothing is right or wrong.

I know quite a number of military families where the military person will move from assignment to assignment, but the spouse will remain settled in a fixed place, often a hometown nowhere near a military facility.

I had a lot of dealings with the Navy, where sailors go on sea duty half the time and are in port half the time. It was said that the family was happy half the time, but no one would ever say which half.

Jon

I know someone who was (is) married to a Navy SEAL and she opted to stay in Vermont when hubby took long term assignment in the Philippines. He will come home only once every 3 - 6 months.

I joked about this with my now ex-husband when we were having marriage problems because we were so different and I was getting frustrated...let's live in separate houses and visit each other. We never tried it, he just wasn't willing to work on the relationship so divorce was the outcome.

Personally, I think it is a very strange concept for married couples, especially with children.

My aunt-in-law just did this this past year. She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and finally married the guy last year (although I think it's more to do with needing insurance- she's been battling tumors for several years). They are both older- around 60ish. They're fine with it. I find it rather strange myself, but hey...
I'm not trying to raise stereotypes here, but aunt-in-law is Chinese, and I know the marriage was very much a practical thing here. And it seems like her husband could care less about living together or not. Could also partly be because he has 7 or 8 dogs (labs) that live indoors.

So, yes, I know somebody who has done this. I wouldn't personally, but if it's a necessity....

I think outside of work obligations, it's a really bizarre concept to me. I don't think I've ever heard of another couple living apart, especially in a marriage, so perhaps I'm biased.

But, in my mind, it's not practical for long term change. Wouldn't it be more practical in marriage to work through those issues while in the same home? Because, at some point, you'd want to move back in together. But, you haven't really fixed the problem, have you? I would think that it would be more prudent for couples to find ways to keep the magic alive while still living together. Perhaps find more separate activities and hobbies to partake in, so that time together is somewhat more cherished?

I don't know. I've been living with my boyfriend for only two months, not decades like some people. I think it's going to be a very long time before the "magic" is gone, but I can't see us choosing to live separately to fix it when there are so many strategies to employ while together.

I know two couples who have a "permanent part time" arrangement. Both partners of both couples have been married before and I know three of them have children from those marriages. It is the women I know in both instances and neither of them wanted to live permanently with a significant other again (one has her elderly mother living at home; the other has her teenage son) even though they see themselves as in a committed relationship. The women see their partners when it is convenient to both parties but still have a measure of independence and alone-ness.

If I were to be involved in a relationship again, this is the type of arrangement I think I would be looking for, but obviously that point of view might change.

My parents kind of did this.

My dad was spending a lot of time in Arizona for his job, and it got to the point where we barely saw him, so he ended up just getting a house out there, while I lived with my mom in California. For about two years, he would only come home occasionally - less and less as time went on. They're now in the process of getting divorced, so it obviously wasn't working too well for them.

Would your answers be similar for a non-married couple with no children? Do you think it makes the relationship more casual? Or do you think it makes it more commited because it actually takes an effort to go and see the other person? Or just different?

I was in this situation for a year, simply because of an age difference. I graduated, moved 1000 miles from the college city for a job. My then-fiancee, being a year younger, remained at the university for a summer session and a full academic year to finish her degree. This was obviously intended to be a temporary situation and it was so. We saw each other only twice that year, at Christmas when I went back to our home town; and, Spring Break when she flew out here. We married four months after she graduated. She came out here (Washington, DC area) immediately after graduation though we didn't live together until we were actually married. That had more to do with me having an apartment mate in a tiny "inefficiency" apartment. She stayed in the same building though with a girl who rode to work with me. We were pretty old fashioned. (No way in hell I'd do that now.)

Being a former wedding photographer, I love reading the Sunday New York Times weddings. There are an amazing number of couples who meet, carry on a courtship that often is transcontinental or transoceanic. Most of them, however, seem to move heaven and earth to get jobs in the same city and then they get married.

Jon

Josiane wrote:

Would your answers be similar for a non-married couple with no children? Do you think it makes the relationship more casual? Or do you think it makes it more commited because it actually takes an effort to go and see the other person? Or just different?

It's definitely harder for a couple with children to divorce than a couple with no children, property, investment, close family ties, etc. The ties that bind.

kk~

Ohhhhh-kay. Can we have a clarification in this thread, please?

Are we talking about:

A. Long distance relationships

B. Separated/divorced couples

C. Couples that are in still a relationship (assuming marriage), but have chosen to live apart because they feel as though it will bring them closer? (Or something along those lines?)

Because right now, I feel like we're all talking about VERY different scenarios.

^ I guess that's the thing about these types of relationships. They all have their own dynamics and reasons for separation. It's not a clear cut issue by any means.

kk~

Webstar, it's about any scenario. I felt everyone was only focusing on married couples so I thought I would just ask another question, to have different opinions.

It could be a married couple who was living together but then decided to live apart, but are still in a romantic committed relationship.

It could be about a couple who has never lived together and doesn't wish to.


It could be about a married couple who never lived together and choses not to.

I guess I just wanted opinions on any situation where there is some "Living apart together" as a CHOICE and how people make it work, for what reasons, why it doesn't work, why is it weird, etc. Maybe I should have posted that in Debates.


I just wish I could write clear posts My intention is not to confuse anybody I'm sorry.

webstAr wrote:

Ohhhhh-kay. Can we have a clarification in this thread, please?

Are we talking about:

A. Long distance relationships

B. Separated/divorced couples

C. Couples that are in still a relationship (assuming marriage), but have chosen to live apart because they feel as though it will bring them closer? (Or something along those lines?)

I was under the impression that the question was about your Scenario C. People who are committed to each other, to their relationship, to the raising of children and the sharing of financial investments, but who live in separate houses in the same city, suburb or street, or separate wings of the same large house, or in separate apartments in the same building, or what have you. People who have made the decision to spend the rest of their lives together, but who choose to do that in separate domiciles.

This is VERY different to divorce, separation or long-distance relationships, where there is, in the first two cases, usually an anticipated permanent end to the relationship, and in the third case, usually an anticipated permanent coming together after a period of long-distance partnership.

If I thought we could afford it, I would probably propose this idea to Mark. We definitely get along better when we're not all up in each other's faces all the time. It would be like the first few months of dating, for the rest of your life

Erin.
::righteous babe::

I think the primary trend that people are talking about is those that actively choose to have separate living quarters though they are not actually separated by circumstance or in their relationship. There was an article in the NYT about this a while back. My understanding is that many of these people are older with grown family and find that their relationship is better when they are not dealing with the trials of sharing a domestic space.

Situations where a husband or wife moves/lives far away for work are as old as time.

Josi, I'm actually really glad you brought this up. It's more common than some people think and I've had to defend my situation more than once. Not that I'm really defensive about it, it just is what it is.

One couple I know is divorced yet they still live together for the kids and finances. They are each free to pursue their own lives and get along much better than they did when married. Yet, in many ways, they ARE still married. They spend every holiday together and are each other's next of kin, medically.

Not every marriage is sunshine and roses. My own parents fought like cats and dogs (still do) Does that mean they should divorce because they fight? Of course not, they are truly devoted to each other.

Living apart does not necessarily mean a divorce is imminent. In my case, for some time it was considered but that has since been taken off the table.

kk~

My mum's cousin, who is in her 40s has been with her boyfriend for well over 15 years but they live separately because they live in their childhood homes which neither wants to give up. They have no plans to ever move in together, get married or have kids but it seems to work for them. They still see each other 5 times a week and go on vacation together. I think after such a length of time with this arrangement it would be hard for them to start sharing their space.

In the past, it was normal for couples to have separate bedrooms. It was only when cities started getting more crowded that couples started sharing a room (I read this a while ago in the BBC website). I'd prefer that arrangement. I've never been able to sleep well sharing a bed.

A lot of the replies on here are pretty off. Living apart together is a subject we touched upon in a few of my sociology courses in undergrad. It involves couples who voluntary live in two separate residences. Often times, they live quite close and see each other on a regular basis. Obviously, that varies from couple to couple. However, LAT is not at all connected to military geo-baching (military slang for voluntarily living apart) and military personnel who cannot get accompanied orders and therefore cannot bring their spouses/families with them to their assigned location. IE: sea duty (navy), MSG duty (marines), boot camp (all), any training course or TDY (temporary duty) lasting <6 months (all), etc.

Kandykane, if you don't mind me prying, may I ask you a few questions? Please feel free to tell me to pull my head in if you think I am out of line, but I am honestly very curious about your situation. Being in an unconventional relationship myself I am always curious about how other people relate.

I seem to recall you mentioning in another thread a while back, something along the lines of that if it weren't for your husband you would be divorced, which made it seem like he wasn't willing to sign the papers, and that you wanted to be done with your marriage. (Of course, there's every chance I am recalling it incorrectly and it was someone else who said that about their own marriage, so if that's the case, please disregard these questions.)

So, if that's the case, and you are still legally married whilst no longer being in love with your husband, are you and him allowed to see other people? Have you formed other relationships or do you remain faithful to your husband?

I'm so curious, but if this is too personal, I totally understand

Erin.
::righteous babe::

It's a very complicated situation that has been made more tolerable by our living apart. (I was going to use a different word but upon searching in the thesaurus, I find 'tolerable' and all synonyms to be equally depressing, lol.) There are many factors.

The job comes first with him. Always, always. His job is very specialized and in limited areas. He has to go where the job is. Those places are not always family friendly.

The kids come first with me. ALWAYS. I was determined they would not 'school hop' as I had to growing up.

He is an alcoholic who will not reform and that to me is INtolerable to live with. But events happened (the separate deaths of his parents and a dear friend, etc.) that kept us 'together', if apart. In the passing of his parents, he wanted to be near them and knew I would want the same for my parents. So, family keeps me where I am as well as our house and our kids who are still in college and living at home. I fear that he would not be able to deal with a divorce and I could not live with myself if he bottomed out because I did that.

Love changes as one ages. 'In love' and 'loving someone' are not always of the same vein. He is my kids' father and will therefore always be a part of my life. He wishes to remain married. I wish for peace. And so this is the best compromise. We really don't argue or disagree on very many practical points. When I dropped the divorce discussion we began to get along better. And so, here we are. He's there, I am here.

I know he has seen others. I will not openly do so in kind because of my kids. Our private lives are just that. Private.

Many would say it's a marriage of convenience, but believe me, it's anything BUT convenient.

kk~

As I child, my next door neighbour's father was in a situation where he was in a committed relationship with someone, but she still had her own place. She used to stay the night sometimes, and even practically lived there it seemed at times, but she still had her own home she would sometimes not stay over for weeks at a time or would sometimes only go over to visit my friend's dad for a few hours at a time every other day or something. She was a nurse so their living arrangements might have had something to do with the fact she worked shift work. She would also look after my friend at her dad's house sometimes when her dad went away to work (he used to drive trucks, usually locally but sometimes interstate). I don't know much about their relationship at the time since I was only a kid (like if they fought a lot and this contributed to whether she would be around often or not). I think she eventually moved in full time once my friend's dad bought a house - she might have been part owner, I'm not sure, so this might have been why. I do know that they're still together though - so they've been in a committed relationship but not married for around 20 years or so.

My mum also has a friend who's been in a relationship (they never married) for the better part of 20-25 years with a man she still doesn't live with full time. I think at times their relationship has been quite rocky though - perhaps they are just the kind of people that don't do too well seeing each other for an extended amount of time - perhaps this is why they've never moved in together permanently. I remember throughout my childhood they would break up then get back together a few weeks or months later. In the past couple of years she's been travelling around the country with him while he's been working, so for at least part of their relationship they've had time where they've been in a living together scenario.

It has been done successfully in the past, either out of necessity (think of Abelard and Heloise), or out of choice (think of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir). However I think most people would find it woefully inadequate for their emotional needs and would have to move on to a different relationship.

My sis lives apart from her hubby and they get along much better. They go out for date nights and holidays by the way they have grown up children now, but they are a whole lot happier apart than together 24/7